Cast: Steve Frost, Josie Lawrence, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Clive Anderson

Opening comment: Does anyone else think that the black-haired beauty sitting behind Clive is the same black-haired beauty that suggested Ryan was trying to forget his wardrobe for the famous Neon Love Chicken bartender song? If it's not the same woman, then it's her twin.

Questions Only: red alert on space station; all four
Questions Only is that rare game that's fun when the players are on and fun when the players are off. Tonight, the players were so not on, they weren't even in the same building as the show. And it was still fun. You know how Ryan and his pair are always on the stage-left side? And Steve and Colin are always paired on the stage-right side? Well tonight, they switched sides. Not pairs, mind you. Just sides. Why? Beats me. But it was funny watching Steve and Ryan cross the stage in front of the chairs, stop dead in the middle as they ran into each other (literally) and then side-step each other and continue crossing the stage. Meanwhile when the path was cleared, Colin and Josie stepped downstage from their middle seats to the middle of the stage where they began the game. It was like some bizarre Busby Berkeley routine. Everyone, especially Ryan, was laughing about it by the time they all reached their destinations. Maybe that's what got them off on the wrong foot for the questions.

Or maybe it was that Josie started the game before Clive had finished his comments. Josie jumped in with the question, "Is that the red alert?" then dropped character to apologize for stepping on Clive's line. Colin's face went from his no game face to an alarmed face at Josie's opening question to a no game face to a puzzled expression while Josie was talking to Clive back to a no game face then back to the alarmed game face all within a span of three sentences total. It was quite an interesting display of expressions. Josie dropped out on the second round and Ryan stepped in. Ryan and Colin sparred a little. Ryan asked Colin what the green thing coming out of his chest was. Colin wanted to know why Ryan didn't get one for himself. Ryan wanted to know if they were handing them out. Colin stopped, stared, and dropped out of the game, so Steve came in. Steve's second question was along the lines of "Is there any oxygen in space?" So Ryan starts gasping for air, intentionally throwing himself out. Josie comes in and stumps Steve. Colin comes in and Josie falls off. So Ryan comes back in. He wanted to know how long before they reached Earth. Colin answered (with a question, of course). Then Ryan wanted to know if Colin missed his wife. (Ryan was just full of non-sequitors during this game.) Colin asked if Ryan was seeing her. Ryan asked if Colin could smell her cologne. Colin asked if that was cologne. Ryan asked if it was Colin. Bye-bye Colin. Steve came in and asked Ryan "What do you like in zero-gravity?" "What have you got?" (My favorite line in the game. Delivered very restaurant patron-like.) Steve tried a different tact. But Ryan was back to the non-sequitors and Steve gave up. Colin walked on with "What's the problem?" Ryan couldn't come up with anything, Clive buzzed, and both guys left. Clive commented that the wrong one left, but I think Colin left because he'd asked Josie that exact question before, and you're not supposed to repeat questions. Josie and Steve step in. Josie asks a small question. And Steve responds with a question that was about a paragraph long. But was still one question. He almost ran out of breath asking it though. Something about "Is that the sort of question you should be asking on a six month 3,000 mile space journey to Jupiter?" Or something like that. Josie and Steve keep sparring, with Josie's questions getting shorter and shorter and more and more hyper. Finally, she trips over into a statement, and Clive ends the game awarding it to Steve. Like I said, not a good game for the players, but enjoyable for the viewers.

Film and Theater Styles: Josie tells Ryan that she's pregnant [styles: Muppets, James Bond, 1950s health movie]
When the audience is calling out styles, someone suggested Mission Impossible. Clive asked whether he meant the game that Clive already had on his list or something else. I don't think Mission Improbable had been played by then in the taping because Ryan turns around and grins at Colin, so it was an interesting coincidence. Josie starts the game by telling Ryan that she's bought him a shirt. (He needed a new one.) And some little tiny booties. Ryan tries to put the booties on his feet. So Josie tells him that she has the "little thing that goes pink". Clive buzzes in and comments that Ryan isn't quite up to speed yet. So let's try the Muppets. Ryan: "Pink?" as Kermit the Frog. (Jim Henson had nothing to worry about from Ryan.) Josie: "Yes, Kermie, Pink." (On the other hand, Frank Oz has something to worry about from Josie.) Swishing her hair, karate chopping Ryan, Josie makes a great Miss Piggy. Actually, she's even better than Oz's Miss Piggy because her Miss Piggy managed to knock Kermit's eyeballs off his face. Ryan had to scramble to catch his eyes and put them back on while Clive was buzzing for James Bond. "And the baby is yours James" "That pen must have done more than just write." "And it was filled with the most exquisite ink." "You're going to have a double-oh three and a half." "I'm shaken, but not stirred." Buzz.

Clive: "1950s Health movie, whatever that is." Josie: "How did this happen? Ryan." And Ryan is caught off-guard. Nearly missing the verbal throw. (You can hear him do that sniffing laugh he does when he's surprised.) Josie starts molding her breasts into high unnatural conical forms. Ryan waits for the laughter to subside and begins. "First I became aroused. Something called foreplay happened before that, which consisted of plying you with liquor and putting on soft music." In that very nice-man documentary voice of his. Very formal. Very proper. Very 1950s. Of course, that wasn't what Josie was up to. Not at all. In time to his words, Josie demonstrates with her hands what really happened. Josie's index finger becomes Ryan's penis in its non-aroused state. Her other fingers clench into a ball and become his testicle. She begins massaging her hand as Ryan mentions arousal. The index finger begins to straighten. And apparently liquor wasn't the only thing the tongues touched that night, either. As Josie so graphically demonstrates to us. Clive buzzes in and motions them off the stage. When the camera returns to the players, Ryan is almost on his knees in embarrassment and is struggling to get back to his chair, Colin and Steve are practically out of their chairs with laughter, and Josie sits down as cool as ever. Boy, I wish I could hear what Ryan says to her when he finally gets back. Wow! What a scene that was.

Mission Improbable: cleaning the toilet; Steve = voice on tape; Ryan and Colin = spies
This wasn't one of the better Mission Improbable games, I'm sad to say because I've come to really like this game. Steve was okay on the tape, but Greg does a much better game set up than Steve, not surprisingly. Steve did have a good moment when he chastised Ryan and Colin for mumbling their responses. "I can't HEAR YOU!" Steve mentioned that the toilet cleaning was exceptionally dangerous because Bernard Manning had just used it. (If you want to know who he is, go to the Obscure Reference site because I don't remember what it said.) The audience recognized the name, but I assure you Ryan and Colin didn't. Colin even said he was going to look up Bernard on the computer. I think he was hoping Ryan would know the reference and supply it. But Ryan just asked if the computer had anything to say about him. Colin rather cleverly covered his own ignorance by responding: "Yep, he used it." Ryan rubbed himself down with cooking oil, "Just because it feels good." Then the two set off. Colin took the stairs. Ryan took the elevator. You can see Colin glance at Ryan just after he starts climbing the stairs. When Colin notices that Ryan has opened the elevator doors, Colin very pointedly does not look at Ryan again until coming out of the stairwell door to find Ryan waiting for him. It's a surprisingly convincing mime considering that they were less than two feet away from each other. They find the toilet, and Colin uses suction cups to cross the room over to the toilet. First he climbs the walls and then hangs from the ceiling. You know something? I just realized that I have absolutely no idea why Colin did that. Why didn't he just walk across the floor? The guys must have been very convincing at the time because I simply accepted that they couldn't walk across the room. Even though there was no explanation why they couldn't.

Ryan used a crossbow bolt to shoot an arrow with a rope attached into the ceiling over the toilet. Then he swung himself into a hanging position. Since Colin forgot the bowl brush, Colin decided that Ryan had to use his head to clean the bowl. Ryan thought his hair needed some augmentation from Colin's chest hairs so he pulled a couple off and attached them to his head. At that point, Ryan's composure slipped just briefly (I think he realized how silly he was about to look) but he recovered and plunged his head into the bowl. Bent over at the waist, Ryan started swirling his head around as if to clean the bowl. (Ewww........) Then Ryan flushed the toilet with his head still inside. The suction started pulling him in. Colin donned a jetpack; flew over to Ryan and pulled him up and away. Ending the game. As Clive commented afterwards, "Well, that's the first time we've literally gone down the pan." The game was amusing but not one of the better Mission Improbable games I've seen.

Props: Steve and Josie = 2 red heavy rubber bags similar to hot water bottle bags; Ryan and Colin = 2 large foam L shaped objects
This was by and large an average game of Props I thought. Steve and Josie turned their props (which were rounder than normal hot water bottles and more flexible but that's the only description I can think of, sorry) into deflated breast implants; flippers for a performing seal; hats for the Guardian Angels; big lips; and breasts that were drained by breast feeding. Ryan and Colin made giant's boots; an alien nose; rocking horses (I think; I'm not sure), big Wicked Witch of the East shoes; small chairs; and my two favorite game entries — golf putters and — by putting the two pieces in different positions on the floor — the Loch Ness monster's head and hump.

Party Quirks: Steve = host; Josie = thinks Steve is a wild horse; Colin = lost the winning lottery ticket; Ryan = going through puberty in 15 seconds
the cut game. Excuse me, Comedy Central. Commandment number 5. Thou shalt not cut a game of Party Quirks. Certain games are sacred. Hoe-down, Party Quirks, Film and Theater Styles (although this gets cut a lot), Superheroes, and oh what was that other game that shouldn't be cut? Can anyone remind me? Oh, come on. Don't keep it a secret from me. Tell me. Comedy Central, take back the props game and give me Party Quirks instead.

Psychiatrist: Josie = psychiatrist; Steve = thinks he's a French peanut; Colin = scared of German psychiatrists; Ryan = in love with a Mexican nurse
Steve is one of the WLiiA's worst singers, but I liked his song here. He was on key and rhymed. Maybe not terribly funny, but two out of three isn't bad for him. Besides, his interjection into Josie's lyric was in real French and the words made sense to her lyric. (He said, "Mais non" which means "but no". Too bad I can't remember what Josie said to prompt him. Sorry.) So extra points to him.

Colin's song was a classic Colin cop out song. three of his four lines were in German gibberish. The fourth line was "I'm scared of psychiatrists!" But who cares that he copped out? It was still funny. Steve and Ryan are falling over in the background, and Clive's laughter is almost as loud as Colin's lyrics. And Colin made up for his lack of lyrics by expressing the intent of the song on his face. When he heard that he was afraid of psychiatrists, Colin moved from the center of the bench to the far edge. As far as he could get without falling off. During the two bar intro, Colin got this panicked expression on his face. (That's when Ryan started laughing.) Colin kept that look throughout his entire song. When Josie leaned in close during her lyrics, Colin's eyes got even wider (I wouldn't have thought that was possible) and he slipped down the couch until he was almost totally flat. Josie leaned in very close, and Colin's looking up at her sideways with his wide eyes. It was a beaut. (If someone doesn't put a screen capture of that shot up on his or her website, I'm going to be very disappointed.)

As Ryan walks downstage, he crosses himself in prayer for what he's about to do. Part of his "I don't want to do this" act I believe. More acting on his part, as Ryan looks very unthrilled at the idea of singing about being in love with a nurse (better than an exhaust pipe — the other suggestion) and at the idea of singing to Mexican music. Needless to say, Ryan was right on top with his song despite his acting. He has lots of gall, loving someone who works in a hospital. But he really loves it when she grabs his testicles and says cough. (Steve and Colin are dancing in their chairs to the Latin music after that line.) Josie says she understands; she knows how the nurse can dance around Ryan's Mexican hat, but he should be careful because the nurse knows where to bung her thermostat! Ryan carries the idea all the way back to his chair. Moaning, limping, and rubbing one cheek. Nice songs all around.

Foreign Film Dub: Jack and the Cucumber in Spanish; Colin (Ryan translates) and Josie (Steve translates) act
I don't have much to say about this game because it really isn't that memorable. Clive announces at the beginning that he'll award bonus points to anyone who remembers what the Spanish word for cucumber is. He meant the cast, obviously. But a woman behind him provided the word. (Don't ask me. We didn't cover vegetables in Spanish 1 in high school.) So she got a round of applause lead by Ryan for that. And Clive got a joke along the lines that the Spanish word was his wife's nickname for him, oddly enough. Josie starts out by bringing home a cucumber. Colin (at Ryan's translation) starts to peel it. Josie stops him. Then Ryan's translation goes off about how Colin has his own cucumber. And he will raise it as a son. And on and on. If that makes no sense to you, then you'll understand how I felt watching it. At one point, Colin does his gibberish and Josie hops right in with hers. Ryan gives that sniff laugh and says, "See how good a ventriloquist I am?" Steve pops in with "Shut up". That was probably the highlight of the game. Which isn't much, I admit. I should mention that on top of talking Spanish gibberish, Colin decided to deliver his lines with a lisp. Why? I dunno; ask him. It didn't help the game any, but I will admit it was a different approach.

Credits: Steve and Josie = bad actors; Ryan and Colin = script prompters
After Clive announces that Steve and Josie are the winners, Ryan leans back to relax and sort of mentally removes himself from the proceedings. After all, he's not going to have to read the credits, so why concentrate on the "manner " of the reading. I think he was genuinely surprised to hear that Ryan and Colin were going to prompt Steve and Josie's lines so that they were part of the credits reading even "though they are the losers". As the four of them proceed down to the TV monitor, Josie takes the role of a tearful actress at the end of her tether. Steve plays an angry actor. Ryan prompts very, very softly. And of course, Colin yells out every time Steve or Josie hesitates for a moment. So Steve starts yelling back at Colin, "I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT!" I liked how after Ryan prompted "Tobin Goffee", Josie pronounced the name as "Cup of Coffee". After Ryan whispers "Go to the director" meaning to skip to that line, Colin yells out "DAN PATTERSON!". At the very end, Ryan starts shaking his head in disappointment and turns to look at Colin. Colin leans in very close until their noses are inches apart. Ryan can't take it any longer and breaks up. For a four-person credit reading, this worked well because each person adopted a different role to play so they weren't stepping on each other's words.

Best Game:
Easy choice. Film and Theater Styles. No questions about it. Don't agree? Go watch it again, silly. And again and again and again until you get the answer right.

Overall comments:
This wasn't the strongest episode my foursome has done together. But it has enough moments in it that I'd definitely recommend watching parts of it over and over. Unquestionably, Film and Theater Styles is worth viewing many times. Psychiatrist was a definite winner. And I loved Questions Only. (But I've always loved Questions Only. I can't think of a single Questions Only that I dislike.) I'll fast forward through Props and Foreign Film Dub next time. But I'll probably watch Mission Improbable again. Mostly 'cuz it's there. And I'll watch the credits too. Which is unusual for me.

© LKK 12/03/00