Ah, but then that was the problem, wasn't it? He tried not to think about them, but still, floating around the edge of his awareness were the little facts that ruined his little illusion of happiness. For one, the one that dwelled biggest in his mind, was the absence of his mother. He hadn't mentioned it to his father, and neither had his father said anything to him, but still it hung there, thick and heavy in the air between them, an unspoken tension that made him just want to break down and cry. He missed her--oh God, how he missed her, but worse yet, he felt as if he had somehow failed his father. Oh sure, Cale said he was proud of his son, to David and everyone else, but David couldn't help but feel that he had somehow let his father down, in failing to satisfactorily protect his mother. Maybe it was just him, but still, it was there in his mind, an ever present-reminder of his failure--to his father, to his mother, and most of all, to himself.
And then there was the fact that all they had won was a battle--not even close to the whole war. Just one little battle--but in that one little battle he had lost so much of that which he had loved and held close. Gone forever was Rafe, and the new Tyrusian friend he had made, only to lose. And That was just a small portion of the list. And he had lost his innocence. In so many ways, his childhood was gone. He had killed. And seen deaths gorier than he ever could have imagined possible. And he knew things he wished now he had never heard, while at the same time he knew he could not live without. And he had suffered. He had never truly known pain until now, pain of the body and pain of the soul.
But there were more confusing issues than those depressing ones. Confusing...like Sonia. Was she...? Did he...? He didn't know what to think of Sonia. He knew he should hate her--she was really his enemy. And her brother had tried so many times to kill him. She had helped--but she had also kept Simon from killing him. She had helped him escape, and his mother had died from it. Now they were after her--but still, her brother had tried to find him again. Just whose side was she on? Obviously not the Tyrusians. But Simon--or him? He didn't know. She remained painfully loyal to her brother, evil as he was. That hurt. Deep down, on some level he never knew existed, it hurt. A dull ache that wouldn't leave him, no matter what he tried. But why? Whenever he thought of her, all he got was a confusingly twisted knot of conflicting emotions. He wanted something, needed to do something, but he had no clue what it was. It was so frustrating!!! He would rather not think of her at all, but his thoughts kept drifting back to that one subject--Sonia Lear.
But then, as if all that wasn't enough, there was this quest. His father had told him how proud he was of him, so why couldn't he join the fight? "I need you here, doing this. It must be done David, and you're the one who must do it," his father had said. But why couldn't it wait? He wanted to be where the action was. He wanted to be with his father. He wanted to be in the real planning, the real fighting. Hadn't he proved himself worthy? But no, he had to be down here, looking for something that probably couldn't and wouldn't be found. Something he wasn't sure he particularly wanted to find.
"David," his father had said, "you have a brother. I want you to find him."
A brother?
