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It's Only Forever—Not Long At All                                                Chapter   1   2   3   4   5   6   8

by spikeNdru

BtVS/Labyrinth Crossover, Written for the Choose Your Author Ficathon.

 

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Chapter Seven:   Don't Tell Me Truth Hurts, Little Girl


As they ran through the narrow tunnel, Xander risked a glance behind him.  A rotating cone with a wicked-looking point was 

definitely gaining on them.

“Run faster!”  Xander panted.

“I'm running as fast as I can, you prat!  I've not yet healed from that bloody lance in the side!”

“Oh, yeah—sorry.”

Giles was noticeably slowing as he gripped his side with both hands.  Xander paused long enough to throw Giles over his 

shoulder in a Fireman's carry and then ran as fast as he could.

Giles wasn't sure which was more painful—the effort of running under his own power or the rhythmic bouncing and thumping he 

was currently experiencing as he was carted off like a sack of potatoes.  But he was grateful for Xander's help, so he forbear 

complaining.  Giles raised his head and looked carefully at the tunnel they were transversing in an attempt to find something—

anything—to help them.  

There!  Up ahead on the right wall.  Was that a shadow or—

“Xander!  On your right—is that a depression or only a shadow?”  His glasses were rather steamed with condensation from their 

efforts, and he couldn't be sure.

Xander saw the shallow depression and put on a burst of speed to reach it.  His hands flew over the surface looking for 

anomalies in the stone.  With a click and a grinding sound, a door opened and they slipped through just as the cleaning 

machine reached the spot where they had been standing a moment ago.  With another click, the door shut behind them.  

Xander carefully set Giles on his feet as they both panted, forcing air into their laboring lungs.

“Good show, Xander!”  Giles gasped.  “What made you think there may be a door there?”

Xander grinned.  “Otis.  In the first Superman movie, Otis is in a subway tunnel and he went into a niche that looked exactly 

like the one you found, only his led to Lex Luthor's lair.  I figured ours probably wouldn't lead to Valerie Perrine and a huge 

swimming pool, but it might save us from the cleaners.”

Giles grinned.  “Good thinking.”

Xander basked in the glow of unexpected praise.  “I always knew my infinite store of totally useless movie knowledge would 

come in handy some day.  Uh, Giles?  Is the floor moving?”

The floor had taken on a definite downward slant, and both men scrambled in an attempt to keep their footing.  Suddenly, 

Xander's feet shot out from under him and he found himself sliding on his butt.  He could hear Giles sliding behind him.  It wasn't 

unpleasant at first—pretty much like being on one of those big slides they have at amusement parks, Xander thought.  He 

began sliding faster and faster, whipping around curves until the gravitational force pushed him flat on his back. Nope, not a 

slide, he decided.  More like the luge!

Xander saw a light up ahead that grew steadily larger as he got closer.  The tunnel spit him out and he had a brief Wyle E. 

Coyote moment as he hung suspended in mid-air before gravity again asserted itself and he landed in a patch of soft, springy 

moss.  Giles followed closely behind, and Xander had just enough time to roll out of the way before Giles landed on top of him.  

Unfortunately, Giles' landing was accompanied by a loud, squelchy farting sound.

Xander took a deep breath, and immediately wished he hadn't.  “Ew-w-w, Giles! Excuse you.”

“Sorry?”

“You should be!  What the hell have you been eating?”

Giles glared at Xander and resettled his glasses properly after they had been knocked askew by the fall.  “I didn't mean sorry-

please-forgive-me, I meant sorry-I-didn't-hear-you and what is that appalling stench?”

Xander had the grace to look embarrassed.  “I thought it was you.”

“Hardly.”

“It smells really rank!  I don't think I've ever smelled anything this bad, and that includes Zombie Bob and all his cake-baking 

zombie friends!  I think I'm gonna toss my cookies, Giles!”

Giles scooted farther away and reached for his handkerchief.  Instead of using it to clean his glasses, he held it over his nose 

and mouth in the hopes of filtering out the worst of the abominable odor.  “If you find it absolutely necessary to, er, 'toss your 

biscuits', please find somewhere else to do it, because I'm having enough trouble coping as it is.”

Xander pinched his nose shut with his thumb and forefinger and breathed carefully through his mouth.  “O-day.  I'll dry do 

control mydelb.”

“Thank you.  Now, I suggest we set about finding a way out of here as soon as possible.”

Xander nodded enthusiastically.  “Mells bad.”

They got to their feet and looked around.  Behind them was a sheer cliff face, with the opening out of which they had recently 

been catapulted approximately twelve feet above their present position.  The soft mossy area was apparently the top of a 

hillock, they realized when they came to the edge of it and looked down. Surrounding them on all sides was a bilious green 

swampy area.  Air pocket bubbles frequently broke the surface and popped with the squelching sound that Xander had earlier 

misidentified.  Each time a bubble burst, even more noxious odors were released into the air.

A wooden sign on a post had been thrust into the last bit of solid ground before the green ooze began.  Crude lettering was 

painted on the sign:


Warning!

Bog of Eternal Stench
Cross at your own risk
If you get any of the Bog on you, you'll smell bad forever.
That's right—forever.  It will never wash off.
Why do you think it's called the Bog of Eternal Stench?
If it came off, it'd be the Bog of Temporary Stench, now wouldn't it?


Giles looked closer at the air pockets in the bog.  Stepping stones were randomly rising out of the bog, causing the air pockets 

to burst.  Each stone would remain above the surface for several seconds before sinking back down.  There was no pattern—

that Giles could discern—as to which stone would rise next.  As a possible escape route, it left much to be desired.  Giles 

devoutly hoped there was an alternate way out.  He didn't much fancy smelling like this for the rest of his natural life, and he 

imagined Xander didn't either.

“Wha'd'ya think, Giles?”

“I suggest we keep looking for an alternate escape route.”

"Sounds like a plan to me!  Where should we look?”

“Our choices are limited, as this hillock seems to be the only ground that isn't in the bog.  There's a sheer cliff behind us, the 

stepping stones don't appear to be a feasible route.  I know!  Let's look at the other side of the hillock and see what's there!”

“You're being sarcastic now, aren't you?”

“Well, that was rather an obvious question, wasn't it?”

“Yeah, I know.  I think the smell is rotting my brain.  Let's go.”

In the opposite direction, a vista of flat-topped hillock stretched as far as the eye could see and appeared to meet the horizon.

“Whoa!” Xander exclaimed.  “Did this hillock just get a whole lot bigger?  'Cause last time I looked, it didn't look anything like this!”

“Remember, Xander—things aren't always as they seem in the Labyrinth.”

“Oh!  You mean this could be one of those trumpy oil things?”

“It's quite possible.  But it also appears to be our only way out.  Either way, our questions won't be answered by our remaining 

here.”

They hiked across the apparently limitless hillock for almost an hour, as they panted like dogs through their mouths in an attempt 

to minimize the scent of the Bog of Eternal Stench.

“Giles, look!  I think I see a castle up ahead!”

Giles looked where Xander was pointing, and there was indeed a building that looked remarkably like a castle in the distance.  

They picked up the pace, and eventually reached the edge of the hillock, although it felt like they had traversed the Great Plains.  

They looked down, and strung over the bog was a small suspension bridge that led to a child's-sized guard tower.  Beyond the 

guard tower—although Giles wondered if something that small could actually be called a 'tower'—was a winding path that appeared 

to lead to the castle.

They carefully picked their way down the side of the hillock.  It would really suck to fall into the Bog after they had come this

far, Xander thought.

As they stepped on the bridge, a loud clanging noise rang out.  Xander jumped at the noise and Giles grabbed his arm to keep him 

from falling into the Bog.  Trumpets blared from the guard tower.

“Uh-oh,” Xander said.  “This can't be good.”

The gate of the guard tower opened inward, and out rode a 'knight' that looked suspiciously like a terrier dog, riding a sheep dog.  

Xander couldn't hold back a giggle.

The terrier-looking knight brandished a sword and there was a small, but sharp lance attached to his saddle.

“Stop!  Stop, I say!”

“We have to get across,” Xander said reasonably.

“I am Sir Didymus and without my permission, no one may cross!”

“But we've got to get out of this stench!”  Xander complained.

“Stench?  Of what speaketh thou?  I smell nothing!  I live by my sense of smell.”  Sir Didymus took a deep sniff. “The air is sweet 

and fragrant.”

“Oh, just get out of our way!”  Xander ordered.

“I've sworn to do my duty.”

“Let us cross,” Giles said.  He had a very strange expression on his face and Xander gave him an odd look.

“I don't want to hurt you!”  Sir Didymus proclaimed.

Giles could hold back no longer.  In a deep, plummy voice he stated, “I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must 

cross this bridge.  I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!”

“Giles!” Xander burst out.  “You're a Monty Python fan!  Who knew?”

“Yes, well, it seemed the appropriate response.”

“Tis but a scratch!”  Xander continued the dialogue from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

“A scratch?  Your arm's off!”

“No, it isn't!”

“You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but you've lost both your arms and legs and the fight is mine.”

“It's just a flesh wound!  Come back here!”

“What are you going to do, bleed on me?”

“I'll bite your legs off!”  Xander concluded the riff and they clutched each other, laughing hysterically.

Sir Didymus looked perturbed that he had apparently been forgotten and decided it was time to assert himself before these 

lunatics made a mockery of all that he stood for.  “I have sworn a sacred vow.  I cannot let you pass.  I must defend my oath 

to the death!”

Xander looked like he was about to push past Sir Didymus, but Giles put a staying hand on his arm.  “Let's handle this logically,” 

he suggested.  

Giles turned to Sir Didymus and asked, “What exactly have you sworn?”

“I have sworn with my lifeblood that no one shall pass without my permission.”

“Well, then,” Giles said reasonably, “may we have your permission?”

“Well . . . I . . . uh . . . yes.”  Sir Didymus replied confusedly.

“Thank you,”  Giles said.  “Come, Xander, let's cross before he changes his mind.”

Humming The Lumberjack Song under his breath, Xander complied.



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Selected dialogue from The Labyrinth and Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

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Continue to Chapter Eight

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