Mestiza
they call me a mestiza.
a mixture of filipina
and an espachilipina...
an american-born chinita
whose skin is parang gatas
and who thinks like a kana.
an english-speaking dalaga
who is trying to learn tagalog
and who used to habla español
but not very well anymore.
they call me a mestiza
who by race is not all filipina
but chinese and española
as well as ilocana
but who by kultura
knows more about lumpia
than she does about eggrolls
more than she does about paella.
they call me a mestiza
but they do not realize
that it is a constant struggle
to decide if and when and whether to blend
or to not blend
to separate
or to not separate
to learn how to act "American" one second
and to be an ethnicity the next
to respect as is required by her nanay
and to know just when to flash her "asian pride"
to prove to the world
that she is a culturally balanced
mestiza
which is what they like to call me.
what she worries is that she does not know
what she is
who she is
or what exactly is
a mestiza.
she finds she acts hypocritically
when she encourages knowledge of history
but then discovers
she knows nothing of the past.
they call me a mestiza
a Seattle-based filipina
who has just recently
been initiated into the filipino community
with the desire to make her voice heard
spread the word
through spoken word
and now with an outlet this mestiza is
more consciously trying to identify
what she is
who she is
and what exactly is
a mestiza.
because
they call her a mestiza
and were shocked when they learned
she is filipina
an impassioned angel
imprisoned by ignorance
set free by culture
surrounded by legislation
subjected to purification
awaiting exoneration
but dealing with pacification.
they call me a mestiza
but do not know of my hidden desire
to be brown
to be automatically accepted
by those who are considered "my own"
but unlike the fortunate few
i must first establish my race
before i can show them what else is me
my friends lay in an unconscious
racial configuration
which i do not notice
until i step back
and really look.
they call me a mestiza
yet some think of me as more filipina
then some who are brown
because i've been back
to Manila
making me a
::Manila girl::
which instantly qualifies me
for the chance to win
first prize:
acceptance in a society not always my own.
they call me a mestiza
and i've dealt with the stares
the shared glances, the glares
the whispered exchanges
and disbelieving faces.
"Amerikana siya?" and
"Maputi, diba?"
demonstrating clearly that they, like me,
may call me a mestiza but
have no idea
who
or what
or exactly why
i am.
[[back to the Poetry page]] [[back to the Personal Info PaGe]]
Copyright © January 26, 1999 Angel Artistries. All rights reserved.
