Titanic "Never Let Go" - Rose's Diary Page 3


The next morning, Cal barely spoke a word to me during breakfast, but after Trudy had left the room, he said he had hoped that I would come to him last night. I said I was tired and he replied that my excursions below deck must have been exhausting. I suddenly realized that Cal knew about my being with Jack last night. I knew then that Lovejoy, his detestable manservant, had been spying on me. How else would Cal had known about Jack and me? This was not the first time that he had done this. I told Cal my feelings about that man and then he told me I was never to act that way again. I let Cal know that I was not one of his foreman that he could command. I was his fiancée. I knew about Cal's escapades to the less reputable parts of Philadelphia and here he was judging me.

He bolted towards me and overturned the breakfast tray; shouting at me and telling me I would honor him like a wife is expected to honor her husband. He asked if I understood. I understood perfectly. Even though we were not legally man and wife yet, he was expecting me to act like a wife in his bed. I nodded my head and then he quietly excused himself and left as if nothing had ever happened. I realized that if I did not go to him willingly the next night he might have his way with me by force as his angry words to me seemed to hint. I began to cry as I tried to clean up the mess on the floor. Trudy came over and said that she would do it and not to worry about it. Trudy was my favorite maid and she was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. (I will miss her terribly. She did not survive. She could have though if I had gotten in the boat. I would have requested that she come with me. However, if I had gotten in the boat then Jack would have died shackled to that pipe. It seemed like whatever choice I made, fate had decreed that someone would die. I feel so guilty. Perhaps Jack would have lived if I had never met him?) Later in the morning as I was dressing for Sunday services, mother came into my room and asked Trudy to leave. She began lacing me into my corset and told me as only mother could that she did not want me seeing Jack again. I said for her to stop or she would give herself a nosebleed. She grabbed my shoulder and turned me around to face her. I remember her saying that this was not a game, and the money was gone. She always reminded me about the money. Then she broke into tears. That is when my thoughts went back to when I met Cal. I first met Cal when I was 16. Father had been dead for about a year and I had remained much to myself during that time. Mother was afraid I was going to end up a spinster. During one of mother's lavish dinner parties she told me she had someone she wanted to introduce me to. Cal's family had business dealings with father so I had seen him before but this was the first time we had been formally introduced. I remember thinking he was very handsome and very good mannered. He must have been taken by me because a week later he invited mother and me to dinner at his father's home. After dinner, he asked my mother if she would mind if he courted me. Mother was elated and then Cal said but only if your beautiful charming daughter is agreeable. I was flattered that he cared so much for me to want to continue seeing me so I told Cal that he could see me if he so desired. During our courtship I could tell Cal was falling in love with me but my feelings for Cal were not as strong. One evening I told mother that I thought Cal was going to ask me to marry him. Mother said I must accept but I told her I was not sure that I loved him enough to marry him. Then she told me something shocking. She said she had tried to protect me from the world but thought it was time I knew that after father's death when the lawyers were going over his estate they found he was seriously in debt. The money would only last a few more years and then it would be gone. If I married Cal, it would insure that I would not be put out onto the streets. I answered her and said I thought you had to love someone to marry them? Mother took my hand and with tears in her eyes said that only common people married for love, our kind married out of necessity or business or politics and if we were lucky, love. Someday I would understand that a woman does what is necessary to survive in a man's world. Then wiping away her tears she smiled at me and said that I had my entire life to learn to love Cal. Shortly thereafter, Cal and I became engaged. Once mother had finished lacing me into the corset I turned to her and said, alright mother you win, after the services I will tell Jack I cannot see him anymore. She kissed me on the cheek and noticing the tears that had begun to form in my eyes, she pulled out her handkerchief and dabbed my cheeks. It will be better this way you will see, mother told me as she kissed me on the forehead.

After the services, Cal had arranged for Mr. Andrews, who was the ship's designer, to take us on a tour of the ship. During the tour, I asked Mr. Andrews how many lifeboats the ship had. He told me the amount and what their capacity was. I did some quick calculations in my head and was concerned because the answer I calculated showed there were not enough boats for all the people who were on board. Not enough by half! I asked Mr. Andrews about this and he said that he had designed the ship to accommodate more boats, but that his superiors had thought it would make the deck look too cluttered. (Had it not been for the greed and pride of men whose only goal in life is to accumulate wealth, all those people who died in agony a few days ago might have lived. Jack would have still been alive.) As the tour continued, I felt someone tap my arm and when I turned around I saw Jack. He surprised me with his presence and I was about to say something but he whispered for me to be quiet and we slipped into the gymnasium. The room was empty except for the both of us and I started to tell Jack that I could not see him any more, that I was engaged to Cal, that I loved Cal. (Although I knew that was a lie). He interrupted me and bore the feelings of his soul to me. He was being so open and honest with me and I knew his words were sincere. He was making it hard for me to tell him goodbye. I could feel tears coming to my eyes as I told him to leave me alone.

I left the room and caught up with mother and Cal. They had never even noticed I had been away. I was oblivious to conversation around me; my thoughts were only on Jack. Here was my first chance of being really alive and happy and I had rejected it out of a sense of duty. To live in a world I hated. To be with a man I could never love. Later at tea that afternoon, mother was talking to the countess about the wedding plans when I noticed a small girl and her mother at one of the tables nearby. Her mother was telling the little girl to sit up straight and how to hold her teacup. I thought back to when I was her age and I saw myself as her. Then my thoughts raced forward to the future and I saw her as my daughter and I was the mother. No, I told myself, I cannot live like this. Wealth and class have their privileges but also their price. The price was too high for me to pay. I had to see Jack. I purposefully spilled tea all over my dress and asked mother to be excused so I could go change. After I put on some clean clothes I went down to the third class common area hoping I would find Jack there. He was not, but Fabrizio was and I asked him if he had seen Jack. Fabrizio had seen him near the bow and I thanked him and went to the front of the ship to find Jack. My mind was telling me this was wrong, but my heart was telling me something else. All these years I had listened to my mind and what good had it done me?

Jack was sitting by the bow and I called to him. He turned and when I saw his face I smiled and told him I had changed my mind. He took me by my hand and asked my to shut my eyes. I closed my eyes like he requested and he led me to the bow. Climb up, he said. I could feel the cold metal in my hands as he guided me to where he wanted me to place them. Jack was behind me and he raised my arms out to each side and then told me to open my eyes. When I did the sight was wondrous; all I could see in front of me was water in all directions bathed in a fiery glow from the reflection of the setting sun. The beauty and feel of the moment had completely overtaken me. I felt as if I was flying on wings.

Jack placed his arms around my waist to help steady me and softly sang the words to Come Josephine in my Flying Machine. It seemed like a magic moment in time for me. I felt as if Jack and I had been transported to a place beyond the stars. At that moment I never felt closer to Jack as I did then. Are Jack and I soul mates I thought to myself? How else could I explain my feelings. We were almost strangers, but it seemed like I had known him for a lifetime. Our two worlds were miles across, yet there seemed to be some force that was drawing us together. I turned my head back towards Jack and I felt his lips touch mine. We began kissing, gently at first and then more passionately. Soon afterwards Jack helped me back down and as the sun slipped below the horizon Jack told me, it's late we had better be getting you back. I told him that I wanted to remember this night and asked if he would accompany me to the sitting room and draw me. He said it would be an honor and what did I have in mind. I kissed him and said something very special. He replied, in that case I will use my best materials to create the masterpiece madam desires. We both laughed. I told Jack that they would be expecting me for dinner but I would tell mother that I would not be dining with them tonight because I was feeling ill. I told Jack to meet me later at the third class entrance and we would return to the sitting room. When we arrived at the sitting room, Jack looked a little nervous and asked if we should be seen alone together here. I told him it was quite proper since it was the sitting room. Then he asked about Cal coming in unexpectedly and I told him not to worry as long as there were plenty of brandy and cigars, Cal would not be bothering us. Jack noticed my paintings and his eyes immediately lit up as he spotted the Monet. His hands gently moved over the painting as he exclaimed, look at his use of colors. It flattered me that he expressed such an interest in my paintings. I unlocked the safe and brought out the necklace and showed it to Jack. He was impressed as he took the necklace from me and held it up to the light. By the look on his face I could see that he had never seen anything like it in his life. I told him that it was a very rare diamond and I wanted him to draw me like one of his French girls wearing it. He nodded his head but I surprised him when I said that I wanted to wear only the necklace. He looked at me in disbelief and asked if I was sure. I told him that this is what I wanted. Jacks nudes were beautiful and I wanted him to draw me like one of them. I was not ashamed to pose for Jack like this; after all he was an artist. Were the models that posed for the masters ashamed for doing it? I went into my bedroom and disrobed and put on a kimono. Jack was busy setting up as I re-entered the sitting room. Before I removed my kimono, I gave Jack a dime for his fee, but it was more a gesture of friendship. We both were nervous but he maintained a professional air about him as he had me position myself on the divan.

The only sounds I could hear were my shallow breathing and the sound of Jack sketching as he told me to look right at him. I had to laugh because even though Jack was trying to be professional, I could see he was blushing. It did ease the nervousness that we were experiencing but Jack became serious again and told me to hold still and not look away. I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest. Finally he said he was finished and I could get dressed. He politely looked away as I got up from the divan to put on my kimono. Jack was putting some finishing touches on the drawing as I looked over his shoulder. It was the most beautiful drawing of Jacks that I had seen. Jack had drawn my soul. He handed me the drawing and I kissed him. I told him to date it because I wanted to always remember this night. He did and returned the drawing to me after we had a playful game of tug-of-war with it.

Just then a thought entered my head. I took a piece of stationary and wrote on it, "Now you can keep us both in your safe." Cal treated me like a possession, something to parade in front of people when it suited him. Well I would make it easier for him to do. He could still have me to admire whenever he wanted. Jack asked what I was doing and I put the paper in with the drawing and told Jack to put the diamond back into the safe. He did and locked the safe. I told him I would quickly change and then we could leave. Jack went out to the promenade deck and when I returned he was shivering from the cold night air. I was about to go back and get an overcoat when I heard Lovejoy's voice calling my name. I silently cursed under my breath. I had forgotten about that sneaky weasel. That had been twice now on the ship that Cal had sent him to spy on me. I despised that undertaker of a man. I also resented that Cal wanted to control every minute of my life. Taking Jack's hand, I led him out of the sitting room to the hallway. We began walking down the hallway when I turned around and I saw Lovejoy running after us. "Run Jack," I shouted as we both started for the elevator. I told the operator to take us down quickly as Jack held the doors open. As the elevator descended, Lovejoy again appeared and tried to grab the door but missed. I was starting to find this amusing and as we smiled at Lovejoy's look of frustration at not catching us, I decided to give something to Lovejoy to reward him for his trouble. It was a small token of appreciation for what I thought of him. I gave him a rude gesture with my middle finger. Both the operator and Jack looked at me with shock but I said, what don't you think a first class girl can't be rude. Jack began laughing and said, and you thought spitting was disgusting. What else did they teach you in finishing school? When the elevator got to E-deck we were both laughing so hard that we could barely stand up. We had thought we had gotten away from Lovejoy, but he again appeared so we headed down a corridor, barely missing a man wheeling a cart of dishes. We spied a door and quickly went inside. Jack locked the door as Lovejoy reached for the handle. There was no way to go but down so Jack climbed down and when he had gotten to the bottom he helped me climb down. The noise was deafening, and all around were roaring furnaces that glowed in the darkness. Men were shoveling coal into them and the heat made me perspire. A burley man noticed us and wanted to know what we were doing down there. I squealed and grabbed Jacks hand as we both ran through the blazing corridor until we found an exit leading up. Jack turned to face me in the glowing light and kissed me. I returned his kiss and soon we were kissing each other quite passionately. We followed a corridor until we came to the ship's cargo hold. Jack said he wanted to see what was inside and I was agreeable.