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Philosopher Jokes The First Law of Philosophy For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy They're both wrong.


Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher? Answer: An offer you can't understand.


Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job? Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"


If you put two philosophers in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions. (Apologies to Winston Churchill)


Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.


Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"


A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"


Question: What do you get when you cross an aesthete with a phenomenologist? Answer: An interior daseiner.


Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch? Answer: Pay for the pizza.


An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."


PROOFS THAT P Davidson's proof that p: Let us make the following bold conjecture: p. Wallace's proof that p: Davidson has made the following bold conjecture: p. Grunbaum: As I have asserted again and again in previous publications, p. Putnam: Some philosophers have argued that not-p, on the grounds that q. It would be an interesting exercise to count all the fallacies in this "argument." (It's really awful, isn't it?) Therefore p. Rawls: It would be nice to have a deductive argument that p from self-evident premises. Unfortunately I am unable to provide one. So I will have to rest content with the following intuitive considerations in its support: p. Unger: Suppose it were the case that not-p. It would follow from this that someone knows that q. But on my view, no one knows anything whatsoever. Therefore p. (Unger believes that the louder you say this argument, the more persuasive it becomes.) Katz: I have seventeen arguments for the claim that p, and I know of only four for the claim that not-p. Therefore p. Lewis: Most people find the claim that not-p completely obvious and when I assert p they give me an incredulous stare. But the fact that they find not-p obvious is no argument that it is true; and I do not know how to refute an incredulous stare. Therefore, p. Fodor: My argument for p is based on three premises: (1) q (2) r, and (3) p From these, the claim that p deductively follows. Some people may find the third premise controversial, but it is clear that if we replaced that premise by any other reasonable premise, the argument would go through just as well. Sellars: Unfortunately limitations of space prevent it from being included here, but important parts of the proof can be found in each of the articles in the attached bibliography. Earman: There are solutions to the field equations of general relativity in which space-time has the structure of a four-dimensional Klein bottle and in which there is no matter. In each such space-time, the claim that not-p is false. Therefore p. Goodman: Zabludowski has insinuated that my thesis that p is false, on the basis of alleged counterexamples. But these so-called "counterexamples" depend on construing my thesis that p in a way that it was obviously not intended-- for I intended my thesis to have no counterexamples. Therefore p. Kripke: Outline of a Proof That P(1) Some philosophers have argued that not-p. But none of them seems to me to have made a convincing argument against the intuitive view that this is not the case. Therefore, p.



Causes of Death for Some of the Great Philosophers By Stiv Fleishman Thales: Drowning Parmenides: It wasn't anything at all Ockham: Cut while shaving Russell: Cut while being shaved by one who did not shave himself Descartes: Stopped thinking Spinoza: Substance abuse Leibniz: Monadnucleosis Darwin: Natural causes Hume: Unnatural causes Kant: Transcendental causes (although it was his own idea) Paley: By design Heidegger: By Dasein Meinong: Climbing accident Neurath: Boating accident G.E. Moore: By his own hand, obviously Sheffer: Stroke Sartre: Nausea Pascal: Became despondent after losing a wager Wittgenstein: Tried to see if death was an experience one lived through. (Alternate: fell off a ladder) Hegel: Collision with owl at dusk


Top Ten List of Things Not to Say at an APA Interview By Torin Alter
10. That's Mr. (Ms.) NN to you.
9. Oh, that's just something I put in my CV for padding.
8. Does everyone at your school dress like that?
7. Would I be able to avoid administrative duties, if I plan to leave the job after a year?
6. Could we continue this later? American Gladiators is starting.
5. Aren't you the one who wrote that article Putnam trashed?
4. Well, I'd like to finish my dissertation this year, but I just recently got into cajun cooking, and I want to explore that for a while.
3. I really need to know whether you're going to offer me the job by tomorrow.
2. I always figure that the really good students can learn just as much from true/false tests as from papers, so that's my practice.
1. Mind if I take off my shoes? My feet itch.
Academy Jokes Why God Never Received Tenure at a University
Because he had only one major publication.
And it was in Hebrew.
And it had no cited references.
And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.



SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium," has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons." Since it has no electrons, Administratium, is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

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