William Bennett, the most photographed political appointee since Henry Kissinger, died recently as the result of a nicotine overdose. The death occurred at the home of close friend Rush Limbaugh who was hosting a Twinkie eating contest—a contest that would cause an East Coast Twinkie shortage to this day—between the two legendary gluttons.
The two contestants had taken a break as their minions scoured the Eastern seaboard in search of more Twinkies. Limbaugh offered his guest a cigar and Billy the Patch, as he was known to his friends, graciously accepted. Not long thereafter he started chewing his nicotine gum and suddenly stuffed the entire contents of a pack of Camel non-filters into his mouth. He lit the contents by sticking his face in the operative fireplace. The pack of Camels, along with the cigar, the nicotine gum and the now infamous nicotine patch proved to be a fatal mixture.
Bennett lapsed into a seizure. Limbaugh at first thought that he was rehearsing one of his high-priced speeches. Realizing what had actually taken place, Limbaugh sprung from his seat to summon help. Unfortunately, his hectic work, buffet, and viewing schedule had caused him to postpone his ongoing liposuction treatment. Somehow he tripped and landed on his back where he remained for two hours until his lackeys had returned with a truckload of Twinkies.
Meanwhile, William Bennett had expired, a victim of nicotine overdose.
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