Thursday, August 29, 2002 1:43am (technically friday) ~ This commenting temporarily unavailable thing is pissing me off. That's honestly a big part of why I haven't updated the last few days. The comments have become a big part of my motivation.

Well, just about everyone's back at school. Everyone who's still here for me to hang out w/ are in classes during the day, and currently a lot of people are out of town, so I'm a bit bored.

Sunday, August 25, 2002 1:57pm ~ I'm really tired. I slept till 3pm yesterday, then worked from 8-1. Not the greatest pattern. Anyway, my brother's home! He's here visiting for about a week. I hadn't seen him since Christmas and I've been missing him a lot, so I'm really glad he's here.

I'm watching vacuum infomercials....

Thursday was an interesting night. Eileen had called to say that she was making an ice cream cake (at work) and that we were having a saying goodbye to the college folk get together at the store. So I hung out w/ Clarke for a little bit, and then headed over to Ben and Jerry's around closing time. Benny and Hector were there, which was cool cause I hadn't seen them in a long time. Anyway, we ate some cake, and said goodbye to Eileen. I also learned of Chris telling Jess that I was not returning his phone calls... Which is bullshit, so then I was quite pissed. Once it gets to that point, it's gone way too far. Then we got invited to go out w/ everyone afterward, to Chris' house.... Anyway, Ana and I left feeling very unsatisfied, and ended up at Jen's house, which was cool. So the three of us, plus her friend Chris(topher we'll say for clarity's sake) and her roommate had a good time. I planned on getting good and belligerent and calling Chris' house all late, but I just kept getting more relaxed and happy, and eventually came to the conclusion that I'd feel comfortable going over there if everyone came with me. So we walked there.... And it was weird. And it turned into Chris asking if the festivities could be moved to Jen's house cause he was making everyone be quiet and blah blah, which turned into a twenty person drunken parade through the area. And I was not belligerent, but Chris and I did talk, and things got a little clarified, tho perhaps still quite bullshitty. Anyway, awkwardness was quickly put aside, and it was a good but odd night. Though the pattern was quickly reestablished the next day.

I'm quite obsessed with good goodbyes and ending things well. And I understand why I am, not that it's a particularly odd thing to be concerned with. So I keep trying to put in effort where I really shouldn't.

Thomas left thursday morning too, which was sad, but ended well. We didn't get much of a last night of doing stuff, but we had a good time, and it was definitely last nightish. "I feel like I've done this so many times". "You have". It was fun though, and happy, and we talked about things a bit. This semester will be interesting, and surely things will change a lot. I just need us still in touch, he knows me and understands me, and me him, so well, and I need the ability to care about him openly. I'm okay with changes in the state of our dating/nondating, etc. I like that boy. I'm just so happy and comfortable with him.

Everyone's pretty much back at school now, and I've got almost two weeks left. It's a little lonely around here now, though not bad. I need to use this time to get all the things done I'm trying to do. The new webpage, sew some stuff, get my room back to normal, and massive amounts of pre-london business. I do wanna work less nights though. I want real nights out. Everyone who's still in town starts school tomorrow though, so they'll have work and class and stuff. Ah, crazy. Hopefully I won't be too bored. And hopefully Clarke will be back up here soon.

Ok, that's it for now. Now it's time to work on the NEW webpage. I miss everybody. Especially Thomas. Ok, later y'all.

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 3:05pm ~ So the internship's over, and I am sitting at home being wonderously lazy. Ok, that's not so true. My waking up at 8 every morning has instilled a need for productivity in me. So I'm kind of doing things. I did get to sleep though, still not enough, but it was nice. My last day was good. My supervisor wasn't there again, but she sent me an email and gave me a call to say goodbye. She told me I was "by far the best intern [she's] ever had". Go me. That was cool.

I've been feeling really happy lately. How odd =) I think I'm just feeling like I'm actively living my life, and it's very satisfying. (I keep running away to check on my grilled cheese sandwich) Anyway, I'm feeling yet again (I haven't really since senior year), that I'm really going somewhere, doing things that are taking me somewhere. This summer working out the way it did, and then going to London from that is just a damn good combination, and for this to be placed where it was (after what it was after) has been so good for me.

Everyone's leaving for school this week, which is odd. I'm glad I'm gonna have a lot of time to prepare for leaving after everyone leaves though, hopefully it won't get too boring. Ana and Jen will still be here... and occasionally Clarke. Tonight's dinner w/ Kelly and maybe Jen, then a potential last night w/ Thomas. There may be a web design job for me which if I end up doing it will easily fill up my last two weeks here, but if it pays what I've been told, that's quite alright with me.

Monday, August 12, 2002 9:54am ~ Ah, monday.... I'm tired again. Hmm... so let's start with a summary of the last few days. Friday, I had to stay two hours late at "work". That was annoying. Mostly because it was a friday night, they didn't tell me about it until like 2 that afternoon, and it was the one day it really mattered that I leave on time. I had plans to go see q and not u in Manassas with Tommy and Diana (both of whom I hadn't hung out w/ in a long time). A concert in Manassas (like 45 minutes to an hour and a half away depending on traffic) where the doors opened at 730, so we were supposed to leave the second I got home (around 6) which became 8. So then I just caused my friends to wait for me forever. It ended up working out fine, we missed one band, but whatever. It was a funny concert, but surprisingly good. In an Italian restaurant in a strip mall in Manassas. The first band was really young and really good. The second band was too old and not so good. q and not u was good but Diana and I were passing out due to lack of dinner and sleep and were pushed against the back wall cause it was a small restaurant. It was really good to see Diana though, I don't think I'd seen her for at least a year. She's so bitter and cynical in a different a refreshing way =) And openly mean in a way I find incredibly hilarious (though also a little frightening, haha). Ah, Diana, what a wacky girl. And she gave me more photography print rejects of hers, which are now up on my wall. She hopes to one day have a bachelors in harp performance and a masters in photography. I enjoy that.

Oh yeah, then after the concert I went by Thomas' to see him cause he was deathly ill. He had white sores on his throat and after I left he vomited every twenty minutes for three hours.... But now he's on penicillin and okay. Yay medical science. And mold. But anyway, I went over there and let him whine and then drove him to the 24 hour rite aid to get some throat goo. Poor guy.

Saturday.... I'm way too tired. I can't remember.... Ah yes. Saturday I got myself up early (bad idea) to go out to IHOP and meet Karen and random church folk I hadn't seen in forever for breakfast. Although a few people didn't show... grr. That was cool though, and Karen headed back down to floriday that night. On our way out however, we were accosted by a crazy(i really can't tell to what extent) guy who gave us a thirty minute lecture in the parking lot about living our lives to the fullest and being satisfied when we die and travel and school and blah blah crappity crap crap. I was pissed. Very very pissed. Don't assume I don't know this shit, dont' assume I'm wasting my time. I'm aware, let me make my own decisions, and for god's sake let me fucking go and live my life and not waste 30 minutes of it standing in a fuckign IHOP parking lot. Had the rest of the people I was with not continued listening to him I would have snuck fof to my car. And if I didn't need to say goodbye to Karen who I probably won't see for another 6 months. What a bastard. Crazy having issues with getting old psycho IHOP texan man. I hate you.

Then I went shopping with my mom for London related going back to school stuff. That was fun, and I now have a giant rolling suitcase. Woo! I'm very paranoid about trying not to be to obviously American while over there. So no luggage that says "America" or "California" or whatever else taht stuff said. And I'm compiling a mental list of tshirts not to wear and stuff. I feel a little psychotically paranoid, and a little evil, but whatever.

I'm very excited about living in a city (particularly London cause it's the coolest one, heh heh) for 3 months. I don't really believe it's happening.... It should madly kick some ass. I'm also hoping I'll actually get my act together and try for a magazine internship next summer and live in new york and all and maybe this'll help me do that. I talked to Ana too and she said she'd be up for living there with me. That way I wouldn't feel all disconnected from everyone too. Maybe we can get Clarke that soap opera internship.... That'd kick some ass.

Saturday night I worked at Ben and Jerry's for the first time in forever, which was cool. I love Benny. He's my new favorite person. We do good talking and I get hugs.

Thursday, August 8, 2002 10:30am ~ I'm tired. This 9-5 thing always kills me. Ah well. Thomas is back in town now, and that's been causing me to stupidly not go to bed on time. I'm awake though, this isn't the worst I've been.

So... The internship's going well.... It's a lot of work. I kind of feel like it's more of a job than an internship, except that I'm a bit underqualified, and sit in on stuff. And of course get paid crappily. Things have been busy lately though, cause we're trying to launch this site on monday. Wacky. Then it's a week and a half of sitting and fixing anything that they decide needs fixing. I'm hoping it won't get too horribly bornig, and they won't give me random silly jobs to keep me occupied. We shall see.

But of course, through my 8 hour days of sitting in front of the computer, I surf the web rather excessively. Which I really haven't done in awhile. Anyway, this has led to me finding a whole hell of a lot of cool sites, learning lots of random information, and deciding that I want this page to be bigger. So, I'm thinking that with the move onto Eileen's server, I may do some more revamping. Step it up a little. I've also managed to learn some stuff from this internship =) and it'd be cool to incorporate some of my newfound knowledge. Indeed. The only real problem is that I'd need to do all this before I leave for Europe, which seems kind of unlikely. The last few weeks are always crazy, making sure you see everyone before they leave, packing, all that stuff. But I will try, damnit. Maybe I'll do some of that tonight. Start editing the template or start uploading things. Something like that. Wacky wacky.

In other news, my house is a crazy mess right now. We're getting hard wood floors installed, and it's crazy. Although the upstairs is done now, and it's very nice, AND there's now like a fifty foot stretch of slidable floor, which I am very excited to use. Time to break out the socks....

I haven't worked at Ben and Jerry's at all this week and it saddens me. Well, I work saturday night, but still. It's quite shitty. I need to go by and put in a schedule request today so that hopefully I can work next week. Not that I really have time to work, but it feels as social as going out and gets me back earlier. And gives me money. But mostly I just really miss people there. We need some quality hanging out this weekend or something. I'm getting sad. I've been going by there on my lunch breaks and after work a lot lately. But then I just feel silly cause I'm all dressed up and standing around behind the counter. I'm one of those kids, I knew it would happen. I'll hang out there all the time even though I don't work. Craziness. I'm thinking I may try to work there in the winter if they'll let me. Some extra cash and no real work to do, cause it's winter and it's ice cream....

Still sad about Chris, though not in a bad way. What a ho. I wonder if I'll see him again this summer or if he's realy avoiding me.... That's another reason we need a quality work people gathering. Can he resist the allure of alcohol...?

Tuesday, August 6, 2002 9:44am ~ Sleepy. So I got semi-stood up again last night. This time by a different guy. Which makes it not quite as bad, but still, goddamnit. This one doesn't really anger me, just a bad one for the current pattern.

My thought for this morning is this: Maybe if I was more selfish, my life would be better.

Not the greatest thought. I was kind of talking to my parents about this last night. My mom told me I had an anxiety disorder (and hey, she is a psychologist), and then we just talked about all that kinda stuff, modes of self defense towards depression and this book my dad read and enjoyed (which I can't remember the name of) that when trying to present these modes of emotional defense addresses the thought that you're being an asshole in order to make yourself not be depressed. And that it's only partially true =) But hey, whatever it takes sometimes. Not that I'm up for going on a selfish asshole trip. I've just been surrounded by one too many selfish assholes lately. Definitely a way to avoid being hurt too. Or at least coming from a desire to prevent being hurt in every way possible. Not that I'd matter in any of that. Grr.....

Yeah, so saturday was crappy in this respect. Ah, 8th grade all over again. Before this part though, saturday was quite fun. First we all went over to Sarah's house and cooked dinner. Then after we ate we headed over to John's house, who I hadn't seen in quite awhile. That was fun, and full of other guys I hadn't seen in quite awhile and Jen Groner who is the craziest funniest girl I know. We had a horribly inappropriately obscene conversation in front of lots of people. I need to hang out with her more this summer. Anyway, after that we went to Sam's birthday party, which was alright. We got there late and it was a little slow but cool to see some folks, and definitely not to see others =) I'm just angry. Very angry.... It all makes sense, I'm in total agreement (ok, semi), but learn to fucking tell me about it. In my attempts to be kind I've given it up to the fact that he hasnt' been in a relationship in 3 years, so maybe his ability to communicate in that context has died a little. Or he just sucks.

But anyway, I now have some random inspiration to write a story. Just as of this morning. I've found me some interesting characters this summer, and I've gotten into the head of at least one of them =) Damn interesting people who suck. Why must you suck? and still be so interesting?!?!

I also bought my plane ticket to London. I'm so excited. I get to go from an awesome summer to a trip to Europe with my best friend to a semester in London. How did stuff randomly get good? I do not know. But hooray for that. I need to be sure I get everyone's info though, and get mine to everyone. I want mad letters and emails and visits and there's lots of folk out there to be in touch with. I won't know where I'm staying for awhile though. But so exciting.

Our Europe trip has gotten increasingly small and short, but it'll still kick ass. It's now cut down to just London, a short stopover in Brussels(for the cheap airfare), Amsterdam and Rome.

Vernon needs to visit me when he's in Amsterdam in september. Ana needs to visit me when she's in Spain. Clarke, Eileen and possibly Thomas need to visit me on their fall break, and Benny said he'd come too =) I was saying yesterday at the store that we need to have an all out Ben and Jerry's reunion in London. Val was up for it, hehe. That'd kick some ass. Very exciting though. I'm feeling ready to go now. Now that things have gotten frustrating. Not bad though. Just a little sad. I don't like missing out on cool folk. That's why I try to keep in touch like a mofo even though I often suck at it.

Anyway, I should get to work maybe. My PBS web page goes live friday.... Wacky shit. I miss people.

Oh, I also had a random really good conversation with Sarah. Friday maybe? I don't remember. It was cool though.

I've recently become overwhelmed by how many cool people I know. And though my life's often to the point where I wanna shoot myself rather than deal with it, all these people out somewhere kick some mad ass. Ok, the end. Bye =)