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JUNE RANTS 2004

6-30
Alright, I’m in the airport waiting for my flight, thought I’d write a bit. Things are going fairly well right now, I’m making it through my days. It was tight for a while…having no money, being so sick and just my life generally going down hill. But, now it seems to be back on the upswing.

As I wrote last night, I picked up tix for Dar Williams- going to be the best week ever, I can’t wait. I got some CD’s that I’ve been wanting (hehe, for my music therapy lol)…bought a Mandolin, getting my violin all stringed up and ready to go. Now I just have to get the guts to start playing them. So, I’m doing some good stuff for myself. Every Monday I go to a concert in town, and I have been having a blast with that. Great, great music.

Work is going well…a little stressful, but I’m learning how to deal with that stress better.

I’m still scared shitless about school…but I think I’m finally managing my fear and I hope to conquer it next week.

Therapy is…interesting. We are beginning the decent into the very uncomfortable stuff (i.e. sexual abuse). Not pleasant, but needs to be done. I’m doing my very best to stay serious and really “talk.” Though I am first just bringing in stuff to read. My first venture into doing that- read with no emotion…I wanted to read with emotion, but I’m not ready yet. I will keep practicing though…I’m hoping with the practice…it will all come together.

You know, I was about to write up here that I was having SI urges again and I didn’t know why…but then I just shook my head- I do know why. Because of what we are talking about in therapy. Duh. It’s hard sometimes…the need to want to hurt myself can be over-powering at times. And I have those old fights in my head- what’s the harm in doing it, just once, come on etc. But I know…harming myself is only continuing the pattern of abuse that was done to me. It has to end somewhere, and it ends with me.

I won’t lie…it is hard sometimes…to not cut myself. I know what a hard thing to say no to…but it is. Simply because when all other methods of coping had run their course…it was self injury that did not fail me. It did become the roadblock between myself and death. But funny thing about self injury being a roadblock…you can move it to the point where it backs right up against death. And once that occurs…it’s only a matter of time before you break through.

I was unlucky enough to hit that breaking point. Eventually, not even self injury is enough to help you (well it’s not helpful, but kept me from death). I always needed more and more and more…and worse and worse and worse…until the final act would be my suicide…the ultimate act.

I was lucky enough, however, to have a few people in my life to catch me when I fall. I’ll be forever indebted to those individuals. Without them, I’d surely be dead.

So now, instead of self injury, I am learning to use the new coping skills that I finally learned…I learned them a little late…but better late than never. And more than just using them…I am learning to trust them. Which is different than before. I knew the skills, I had learned them, they were in my head…but I never trusted them. And thus, they were rendered useless without the trust that they would work and carry me through. That they could be better than self injury.

I was so used to self injury being a quick and easy fix…that I never wanted to put the time and effort into learning or using other methods. I always reasoned that they would never be enough and that SI had always been there and that it works! To a point, it was a tried and true method…and these other methods were untried…I didn’t know how they worked or even if they would.

But somehow…I got over that fear of the unknown and put a little trust and faith into these methods…and into the people that helped me learn them. I’ve been trying to put more trust than ever into my therapy…which I realized after a while, although I trusted my counselor more than anyone and anything…there wasn’t enough faith into, wasn’t enough belief that it would get me where I needed to be…instead I always kept SI and suicide in my back pocket. And that was wrong of me.

But now they are gone…suicide and SI are not in the picture…not an option…not even just a little. They have to be absolutely gone if these other things are to work.

Alright, flight is about to board. So I close up these rants. I have hope, strength and belief in new things to help me through life. And a lot of kickass music to help me enjoy the long ride :-)

6-28
Who has the biggest grin on their face right now? Me of course :-) I just booked two tickets to two concerts by Dar Williams in August...in the same week (Wed. and Fri.). My friend is trying to convince me to do Thursday too hehe. I have a lot of concert time to make up for! But I'm so excited...that is the perfect ending to the summer. I just can't wait. So cool.

So yeah, not too bad of a day. Had work in the morning...then therapy. I didn't necessarily dread therapy today...I just knew it'd be uncomfortable. I did bring in stuff to read...one is down below, the other is more private.

It was hard reading, I made sure head was down and I would just read. But it still did a lot of good. I think...I guess...need practice.

And I was thinking too...my counselor made the observation about my being able to talk about any physical abuse no sweat (and not sexual abuse)...I can write, I can talk etc. So how did I get there? Or why is it different.

I found the answer. But I'm going to keep them out of here for now, and will write later after my next session.

Okay Seroquel majorly kicking in. Need sleep. Night.

P.S. BIG GRIN ON FACE...can't wait to see dar!

6-27
Here’s some wisdom that I’ve gained. First…I made it to my 21st birthday. This birthday is not a big birthday because I’m finally legal to drink or anything else you can do at 21. It’s big simply because I lived to see it.

Since I was 13 years old I never thought I’d live to see my 21st birthday. I thought for sure I’d be dead…mainly by my hand. I didn’t see how I could live that far, it seemed so far away…and I’d have to go through so much to get there.

And I was right…I did have to go through so much to get there…here. And I was almost right- I almost didn’t make it. Two months ago was the test, was the moment. I’d never wanted to die more than right then and there. I can remember sitting there cool and collected as I methodically planned it out. I knew how, I knew when…and I couldn’t wait…I was finally going to do it and succeed.

But as I’ve learned over the years…I have two parts to me. The one that really wants to die…and the one that really wants to live. While at times the living part gets over-shadowed…it is the part that has kept me here. Yeah, I wanted to die more than anything…I just finally wanted it over with because I didn’t BELIEVE I had the strength anymore.

However…the living part of me felt differently. And in a subtle way I wasn’t aware of…I conveyed my actions to someone who cares and was able to put up a roadblock on my way to death. Gave me more time to rethink my actions…gave me a second chance at life. And with each day following that stand-off between her and I, the living part of me became stronger and stronger. Finally, I BELIEVED that I had the strength again. I didn’t know if I really had it, didn’t know if I could do it…but it didn’t matter because I believed I did and could.

Hope is an interesting concept…and one that saves my ass. Because I have found that hope exists in its purest form when there seems to be no light at all. In the deepest, darkest pit of despair, hope sits there waiting for you. I wasn’t strong enough to reach out to that hope on my own, but I had someone right there beside me that helped me reach out…in fact, I had several people this time around, to help me reach out.

And because of all of that…I am here to turn 21. And I know it’s not going to be easy to keep living every year…it’s still quite a fight for me. But the difference is my belief in myself, the strength of hope…and the wisdom that comes from living through these 21 years- sometimes being pulled kicking and screaming back to the living…but pulled back nonetheless. I was given a…second chance.

6-25
Thought this was right for the moment:

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

[Bridge:]
With so much deception it's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away
-Reasons Why, Nickel Creek

I didn't have excuses...I had my reasons why.

6-24
I wrote the following poem a while back, but thought it would be good to repost, for it kind of signals where I am now, what I'm about to do: tell the stories of my life.

Stories Of Your Life
Do you have stories of your life,
Telling about the woes and the strife,
Or about the happiness and joy?
I think it's safe to say,
That all these stories need to be told one day.

There's that sadness beneath your eyes.
Is it because you've emerged from those lies?
It's not an easy day when the blind fold is pulled down-
It has left you with a hard fall,
And the steel to build your almost invincible wall.

Every night you stand ready for another hell,
And awake in the morning glad that your still well.
Is it too early to start hoping it's stability?
A closer look upon your arms and emotions flare.
The scars are signs of emotions I've left bare.

Stories of my life
Were once told with just a knife.
Now these words, written and spoken, fight my demons.
Out pours my once hidden existence,
As slowly holes appear in my strong resistance,

And now here I am, this is me.
As slowly my mind becomes closer to free.
I can finally stand on my own ground,
And as my life is beginning to unfold,
I think I'm going to like these stories told.

6-23
"It is not easy to live life sometimes
And face the world with a smile when you're crying inside.
It takes a lot of courage to reach down inside yourself,
Hold on to that strength that's still there,
And know that tomorrow is a new day-with new possibilities.
But if you can just hold on long enough to see this through,
You'll come out a new person-stronger,
With more understanding and with a new pride in yourself
From knowing you made it."
 -Kathy Obara

I call this quote, the "getting it" quote...wonderful, wonderful quote. This conveys exactly what I felt when I emerged from the hospital a new person.

6-22
Okay, so I have a few thoughts, so please bare with me. Now, some of these thoughts, I am going to save in another file, because I want to read them for my therapist.

I have realized an important thing recently…well rather, I’ve known it, just haven’t communicated that or it hasn’t quite reached my subconscious. I write…a lot. I’ve known this forever. But I don’t talk. Sure, I’ve been in therapy for quite some time right now…and I should be good at talking…but always the writing prompts what I’m going to be talking about.

But it’s finally dawned on me, that I need to integrate the two- writing and talking. It’s like I’m a different person when I sit down to write. All of my innermost feelings come out and it’s wonderful. But then I go and sit before the person I trust most and…nothin’. Not even close to when I write.

So drawing on my own therapy with the kids and where some things just take practice in time, I’m going to start bringing in what I right and reading them. A month or so ago, I went back and actually read some of my rants out loud to myself and what a difference. When I read them out loud, more feeling comes forth, more me is seen…more feelings are felt. And I want that when I’m in therapy.

Granted…I have a lot of work to do if I want to merge the two. I have my regular rants, my private rants, and then my private rants I won’t show even my counselor. Phew. But it’s time, oh is it time. I want “me” to show through, I want to conquer these last few barriers…because they stand so firmly in my way.

Second thing I realized while driving to my different kids houses today. My therapist asked before I left if I was going to be upset (i.e. did I talk about what I wanted to talk about and won’t get mad at myself). I pondered this question while driving and realized something, that is a recent development.

I used to get mad at myself…if I went through the whole session defended and just couldn’t talk about anything really. But now I’m realizing, I just see therapy in a different light. Yeah, we didn’t make major headway, but little steps. I always get stuck in the rut of thinking BIG things have to happen…I forget sometimes about the little steps along the way.

We talked about good things and sure, nothing major was discovered or whatever, but I was happy with it because we are making progress. Sometimes it’s slower than I’d like, but it’s progress nonetheless.

Hell, even being able to explain how I want to integrate the writing and talking was good. And looking back on it- I was making no jokes when I talked about it, I was serious…and that to me is progress- anytime I can really be serious, vulnerable…really “there.” At times I have come to realize that sometimes in the therapy sessions I just kinda go away. Not really sure how to explain it…but I’m defended and just not all there. But this time I was all there. No doubt about it…trying to work through the barriers in my way. It’s been good to, to actually talk about if I am defended at the moment and how to get past that. Sometimes it creates a pathway for me to figure a way around it, and that’s good.

So I guess my expectations about therapy has changed…or rather, what I need therapy for has changed. I consider what I went through two months ago to be sorta my final stand against life or death…and I chose life…embraced life. So no longer is my therapy about- am I going to live or die…it’s about making healthy choices and keeping with that. To really get to the core of my issues.

Like I realized today fear is a big thing. Fear can completely incapacitate me. I am a “fairly” responsible person…and I realize part of what keeps me from being completely responsible and in tune with everything is my fear. Fear has taken over a good part of my life and I need to learn how to take back control and not let “it” control me. I need to get over several fears. But that is much, much easier said than done.

But I’m going to stop writing here for now…I want to save some stuff…for once…oh for once I want to be in therapy and show “ME” whoever that is. I want to take the vulnerable me that I am now sitting here writing all of this and show it to someone…to tell my story. It’s one thing to write about it…it’s a whole other ball game to actually tell…to look someone in the eye and tell your story. And I’m missing out on that.

I have at least one person in my life that I trust more than anyone and anything. I think it’s time I took that trust and put a little more faith in it and really tried to figure out how to not be so anxious and really talk and tell my stories. If I don’t tell them, no one will…and then where will that get me…other than square one over and over again. I’ve moved far now along in my journey…and yeah I still have far to go…but damn it…I’m determined to keep going.

Two months ago I made a stand: Live or die. That choice was before me…I had the power to take my own life…but somewhere in the depths of my despair…hope shined a little light and I followed it…all the way out of the dark pit of despair. And I chose life right then and there. And now I’m too strong, too smart and too damn plucky to head back down that road again. I’m here and I’m here to stay. Now I just have to figure out how to keep wanting to stay…to smile, to be happy…to be healthy. It’s time. And it’s time to talk…and time to tell my stories. I’m committed now. So…here’s to another hard, rocky journey I’m about to embark on. I may get lost a little, bruised and broken…but I will make it.

I will.

6-21
Well, I think I go to bed with a smile on my face. I saw a great concert in town tonight where I heard two awesome songs. Just couldn’t help but smile. And one of “my kids” made it there tonight too…he was funny. I figured he might have trouble seeing me there, being there, but not working with him and sure enough, he was like, go back and sit on the ground…so then I’d ask him to ask me nicely and so he goes, “PLEASE go back and sit on the ground.” LOL. Too cute. He eventually warmed up, I went back down to listen to music, then went back to check on him and talk to him mom. He’s a sweetie.

So got to play with some kids, listen to awesome music…what could be better. Oh I know- do all that without a headache and kidney hurting lol.

Today wasn’t too terrible…just meetings today, two kids had updates. Then I took a nap after that, a long one…woke up in time to see the concert. Now I’m getting ready to sleep again…probably making up for all the lack of sleep I’ve been getting recently.

Well…in my last rant, I believe I kept asking why…why was all this “shit” happening when I was trying so hard this time around. I should probably stop asking why because then sometimes I get the answer.

I think this time had a lot to do with my pride and learning that people care about me and want to help. In one instance, I had to ask for help, which was so very hard, but I did because I needed help. And then in two other instances, I had to accept help (without asking)…who would have thought, some people just want to help lol. Accepting help is hard for me too.

Am I out of my hole? Not quite, but I am getting pretty well equipped to make the climb. There are some pretty awesome people out there that are willing to see me through in this journey and help me out. For that, I don’t think I could ever thank them enough. For people that think there is nothing but bad in the world or that kindness doesn’t exist anymore…come over to my world, you can see it in action, I’ve met some pretty kind people.

I’ve been pretty down lately (I will NOT say depression, that word is not in my vocabulary anymore) and I guess I’m still a bit on that side. You know, you get shit piled up on you, it’s hard to work your way out of it sometimes. But at least it is different this time…in the past, as the shit started piling…eventually I just gave up and thought I was helpless against whatever was working against me.

But, somewhere along the lines I learned to not be so helpless anymore. And so I don’t just sit there and let it happen…holy shit- I do HEALTHY things to get my way out of messes lol.

It’s kinda neat…to see the differences. In the past...the things I would have done- mostly unhealthy (I’m sure SI would have featured and suicidal thoughts definitely) and just continued to spin further and further out of control until it culminated in either my therapist finally laying me straight, the hospital, or an attempt.

BUT now…in keeping with a newer, healthier me- I tried different routes. Took all those self-destructive thoughts and sent them on their way. And then I sat and looked at all my option and weighed and thought about them all and realized what I needed to do…just didn’t think it was enough. But it seems to be working itself out slowly but surely…and it’s working itself out without me hurting myself, or whatever else I may think up.

Though no SI has entered the picture, I guess I still have been a little destructive…given my recent physical illness (kidney infection)…I am not the best patient and have pushed myself…too much I’m sure, as my kidney still hurts. But I panicked…I just can’t be out of work for any length of time, so I sucked up the pain and worked. And then when I saw my little brothers…I was just so over-joyed in seeing them that I really played a lot with them and that hurt. And of course when I’m at my mom’s- I work, oh joy.

But part of me feels it was worth it- at least the bit with the brothers…I see them so infrequently, that when I do see them, I want to make every moment count…and fun :-)

So I’m a bad patient…but I figure I’m becoming a hell of a better psych patient (I’m sure my counselor breathes a sigh of relief, I actually listen and do things now lol…and HEALTHY things)…so eventually that should rub off into the physical realm.

So how are things now? I’m not screaming “why” as much…more of a whimper…of ENOUGH…let me rest or be at peace a little. But peace I know won’t come…not even in sleep. I’m fully back on drug induced sleep again…regular sleep scares me- nightmares and not nice thoughts. I wish sleep didn’t feel like such a burden…you’d think that would be my favorite time- where I don’t have to do or think about anything, but instead it’s turned into this awful thing. That sucks.

I still feel just beaten down, dejected- that’s the word- dejected. You know, just feel my strength is out of me, my courage is hiding. I guess that’s when you lean on those that care about you, which I’ve done a little. It’s hard.

Just so much to figure out, tiring sometimes. Just tiring. I should probably sleep now. I leave you with some song lyrics. The first one is from a CD a friend just gave me. Great song. The second song just seems to be the one playing through my head a lot and I heard it tonight and the third one…the promise to “my kids.”

Sweet is the melody, so hard to come by
It’s hard to make every note bend just right
You lay down the hours and leave not one trace
But a tune for the dancing is there in its place

The dance floor’s for gliding
Not jumping over ponies
Where boots and gold bracelets come and meet
As they should
it’s the celebrating a Friday night romance
Forgetting bad stuff and just feeling good

Sweet is the melody, so hard to come by
It’s hard to make every note bend just right
You lay down the hours and leave not one trace
But a tune for the dancing is there in its place

An arm’s just an arm
’till it’s wrapped ‘round a shoulder
looped side by side
they go stepping out together
A note’s just a note
’till you wake from your slumber
and dare to discover the new melody

Sweet is the melody, so hard to come by
It’s hard to make every note bend just right
You lay down the hours and leave not one trace
But a tune for the dancing is there in its place
- Sweet is the Melody, Aselin Debison
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The second hand counts out my thoughts of you
 And every heartbeat says your name
 But you don't know me and the way I feel
 But still the truth remains
 My blood runs through your veins
 
 How can I hold you close when you're so far away
 How long will we still be apart
 How will you ever hear these words I want to say
 How will you ever know my heart
 How will you ever know my heart
 
 I'm writing letters to you every day
 And then I mail them to myself
 And here inside a box they wait for you
 And every day is postmarked
 I've held you here in my heart
 
 How can I hold you close when you're so far away
 How long will we still be apart
 How will you ever hear these words I want to say
 How will you ever know my heart
 How will you ever know my heart
 How will you know my know my heart
 SOLO
 And in the the ashes of mistakes and dreams
 I see the outline of a heart
 Well I've gone wrong
 But still I know sometimes
 God serves the best wine up right from a paper cup
 
 How can I hold you close when you're so far away
 How long will we still be apart
 Someday I know you'll hear these words I want to say
 Someday your gonna know my heart
 Someday you'll know my heart
 - Letters to Emily, Julie Miller
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time it was I had a dream, and you're the dream come true. If I had the world to give, I'd give it all to you.
I'll take you to the mountains, I will take you to the sea. I'll show you how this life became a miracle to me.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes,
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

All the things you treasure most will be the hardest won.
I will watch you struggle long before the answers come.
But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on,
I'll shine the light that guides you down the road you're walking on.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes,
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows.

Before the mountains call to you, before you leave this home,
I want to teach your heart to trust, as I will teach my own,
But sometimes I will ask the moon where it shined upon you last,
And shake my head and laugh and say it all went by too fast.

You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. So when they ask how far love goes,
When my job's done you'll be the one who knows
- The One Who Knows, Dar Williams

6-19

What a long day. Started with work with a new kiddo…it was pretty cool, he was rapidly picking up some skills. You know, he learned his name today (in response to asking what his name was)…that is just…so cool. And teaching him how to ask for things, via “I want __.” Just…cool. For all the stress, sweat and tears…at the end of the day, looking at my sweet kiddo’s and how far they come- just incredible.


But it took it’s toll…I’m exhausted and worn out. And so I went home. You know, I just mention to my mom that I’m tired and she launches into this whole, “how come every time you come home you say you are tired” etc., blah blah blah…I was like, well on the weekends I’m tired etc. She’s like, well so are we blah blah blah. Ugh. Just leave me alone.

 

Did have a great time with bro’s…hehe I started a water fight with them…we were drenched when it was all over with…next door neighbor played too…then we started playing hockey and a huge storm rolled in and soaked us again lol. Then I made dinner for everyone and then we played x-box. It was nice.

 

Though a little heartbreaking when I had a serious talk with one of them…my mom’s constant yelling is really getting to him. Oh man, it was a rough conversation and he wishes I was around more…broke my heart. That’s all I’m going to say…just don’t want to talk about it.

 

And…have I publicly stated…my dad totally rocks (my real one that is)…nuff said…he’s just awesome…I’d probably be closer to dead without him…and few other special people of course :-)

 

Anyway…I’m exhausted and need to sleep. I’m a little worried…just don’t feel grounded…my head is taking too many twists and turns and I don’t know how to stop it. For the first time in my life I feel the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt in my life. Scary thought…but when you are hitting a rock bottom…hitting a point when you are down and out…just…yeah.

 

I feel like I’ve been beaten down and now I’m getting the shit beaten out of me. Lucky me. Go me.

But now, I’m going for a drug induced sleep. Last night was so very bad…nightmares…barely any sleep. That sucked.

 

So night.

6-19
In trying to keep my head above water:

See what you lost when you left this world
This sweet old world
What you lost when you left this world
This sweet old world

The breath from your own lips
The touch of fingertips
A sweet and tender kiss
The sound of a midnight train
Wearing someone's ring
Someone calling your name
Somebody so warm cradled in your arm
Didn't you think you were worth anything

See what you lost when you left this world
This sweet old world
What you lost when you left this world
This sweet old world

Millions of us in love
Promises made good
Your own flesh and blood
Looking for some truth
Dancing with no shoes
The beat, the rhythm, the blues
The pounding of your heart's drum
Together with another one
Didn't you think anyone loved you

See what you lost when you left this world
This sweet old world
What you lost when you left this world
This sweet old world
- Sweet Old World, Lucinda Williams

And repeat after me: Suicide is NOT an option, suicide is NOT an option, suicide is NOT an option, suicide is NOT an option, suicide is NOT an option, suicide is NOT an option, suicide is NOT an option.

Self injury is NOT an option, self injury is NOT an option, self injury is NOT an option, self injury is NOT an option, self injury is NOT an option, self injury is NOT an option, self injury is NOT an option.

There. There has to be a way around the obstacles stacked against me. First...I suppose it is probably time to trash my pride because it's not helping me any!

Perhaps it's time to "hear the sound of letting" with pride and a few other things. But there has to be better options than what my head is telling me. Dark thoughts are returning, but I'm doing my best to not listen, to make them go away...there is a way to live...there has to be...I didn't come this far to give up.

So please...my strength... I need some strength again.

P.S. I must say, I have never had this much water to drink in my entire life...in less than an hour I devour the 20 ounce bottled drinks! Holy cow! I better get better!

6-19
I should have been asleep hours ago...based on my health and what I have to do tomorrow...

It's been a long time since I've been afraid to fall asleep...perhaps because I know the nightmares that await a non-drug induced sleep.

And then I read this online, had to laugh,
"If you should end up with a kidney infection, remember that, no matter how you feel, you are seriously ill. As several nurses and doctors have said, "This is not something to fool around with." Take the time to rest and drink lots of liquids. Also, don't expect to recover within a day or two. Even the most mild kidney infection takes about two weeks for a full recovery. A severe infection takes months. Allow your body to recover fully before resuming strenuous activities."

Does that mean I shouldn't have seen two kids today (well Friday) and then see a kid tomorrow morning after maybe five hours of sleep? Hey at least I got ten hours the other night. I did take off both Wednesday and Thursday! Sure my left kidney hurts, sometimes it is hard to walk, but hey- I'm not throwing up, I don't have a fever and I'm breathing...that means I can work. But still when I read that quote, made me laugh. Does that make me crazy? Perhaps...but some days, you find humor where you can.

Oh and found this old poem, that kinda captures how I feel tonight:

Keeping Away the Dark

Keeping away the dark,
Fighting back the nightmares-
To sweet dreams I do not embark.

Fighting the images that cloud my head,
Keeping my eyes open tonight,
Tonight I do not wish to be dead. 


My hand covers my heart;
Praying for one peaceful night,
Praying for one night I don’t fall apart. 


The night has become my hell.
My demons come to beckon me
To take me from this sleepless cell.

I close my eyes,
And see my scarlet trimmed nights:
My only silent cry.

The dark I need to keep away.
This fear paralyzes me,
It can see I am prey.


So I give into this night,
And clench my eyes shut:
Ready for this fight.

6-18
I was just sitting in my room tonight, wondering how so much good...has also turned into so much bad. There is a lot of good going on in my life right now- I'm learning how to have fun, whether it's going to concerts in town, finding new music that I love, working, living on my own, getting my mental health in check etc. And then there is a lot of bad...mainly financial I guess. I am definitely in debt, still gotta get a loan so I can go to school next semester...meds and therapy are really hurting me right now...even finding enough money for gas has been a struggle. I'm almost glad I got sick- means I can really only eat toast and chicken noodle soup- and I had both bread and the soup already, thus I don't have to buy food. I think I could probably handle some real food now, but I can't afford it. It may be a soup and toast diet for a while.

Money may not be the root of all evil, but it certainly lends help to a down fall in my life...I'd say it's the biggest thing bringing me down right now. I'm considering taking on a fifth client and just buckling down and working non-stop the rest of the summer to make up for lost time.

And I suppose family brings me down some, mainly my mom. I need to come to peace with how things are. I know what she'll never be (i.e. a loving mom) and that's fine...I just need to concentrate on not wanting that so much. Even though we have separated so much, there is part of me that wishes it wasn't so. I think for me to get there...eventually some part of me is going to have to surrender, to give up...to let go. And I guess part of me is not willing to let go yet...I don't know why, that's just how I feel.

But...even in losing a mom, I gained a Dad. I left him so many years ago and we each missed so much in each others lives...but he found me AND still wanted me as his daughter. I feel bad sometimes...I just feel like I'm not a good enough daughter sometimes...after all these years apart, he has come into my life being the knight in shining armor...giving so much and asking nothing in return...well my love of course, which he has. I feel like I'm such a mess of a person and here he is picking up the pieces of my life....or helping me to pick them up. Wish I was stronger on my two feet for him, a little bit better daughter than what I am now.

Oh well. I have wished for a lot of things in my life...now I do so sparingly...for wishes don't often come true for me. Instead I get a discount version...and I have these dreams...that are just so far away some days, I wonder why I dream at all. Perhaps to torture myself?

Really, I just...I just want to get back on my two feet again...debts met, finances under control, a more certain future...in the scheme of things- they are such small things, but would mean my whole world.  I do believe in a God, though I don't often write about spiritual matters here. I always believe they are matters for the heart and should be left at that. But sometimes, I just wonder why...why such burdens sometimes. I do so much right- I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or even have sex. I'm in a career field that helps children, in my spare time I help people from this site, I volunteer at places, I do my best to be a good big sis, and daughter...I just try to be good period. So why is such shitty stuff happening. Is there not an easier way to teach me lessons?!

It's like beating a person while they are down, that's how I feel sometimes. I get up, on all fours, crawling my way out of holes...and then before I can stand up on two feet, I get beaten back down and kicked a few times. For goodness sakes- just let me up! There's so much I want to do and accomplish in life...and I just want the chance to do it, but instead I'm continually just trying to make it by, make ends meet, barely. Why can't I just be given more of a chance to do good. Why...why...why.

Alright, I better go sleep. I have a rambunctious kid in the morning (pray he doesn't knock me in the kidney's)...and then a drive home. My kidney hurts a lot right now and part of me wishes I didn't have a kid in the morning...but of course- he needs the therapy and I need to make some money too. So I trudge onward. It's just a ... I don't even know what to call this night. Just feel beaten and worn down I suppose.

Night...and the music tonight:

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
 
And I won't tell 'em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
 
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name
-Name, Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
Cause she's got nowhere to go 

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway 

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway
 
And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
You're not listening anyway 
- Acoustic #3, Goo Goo Dolls
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust none and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm streached so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]

[x2]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus:]
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself [myself]

[x2]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself

[Chorus]

How do you think I’ve lost so much
I'm so afraid that I'm out of touch
How do you expect... I will know what to do
When all I know Is what you tell me to

[x2]
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside
[Chorus x2]
-By Myself, Linkin Park

6-17
Well...I have a kidney AND a bladder infection...when I get sick, I like to go all out...no easy or simple illnesses for me, no sir-re bob. So basically I'm one sick woman. But on the recovery end of things.

Woke up this morning, emailed a few people, cancelled some work and thought about going to the doctors. Finally one person in an email,  kinda, sorta conveyed the perhaps seriousness of where I was feeling the sharp pain. So I swallowed my pride and called my mom, needed to come home to see the doc (and get them to pay for it, since I was broke- I could have found a doc up here, but would have been on my dime...I figure they weren't paying for anything else right now, they could pay for me being sick). So I went home, saw the doc, got a prescription and  then rushed back up to my college town and saw my pdoc (psychiatrist). He gave me a small gift- don't have to see him till August and
 consolidated some pills for me, so I have less to choke down, since there is six meds! So that was all good news- I must be getting better. Since I began seeing him, last September, I've never gone more than a month without seeing him...so I guess this means I am definitely on the right track and getting better. Go me.

Which brings me another part of my treatment. I really do need therapy, it's the cornerstone of me getting better...but I was thinking tonight, as I often do (though, I could do without the physical pain!)...do I need therapy? Yes, and could use it next week and the week after and the week after etc. But at this point in time...I am just out of money. I have really cut it close, and I'm probably already in monetary trouble with who knows and just really exhausted myself in making ends meet. Which, I think I've done a pretty good job with.

So what's causing me the most stress right now, at this very moment (well- besides a kidney infection and bladder infection)...thinking about finances. And I think I want to get my feet back under me. So I'm trying to develop myself a plan to get myself out of this mess. One is, a few families I work for, I'm going to ask for them to pay me every week, that way I'm generating income every week and it's the two families that pay me the most. So that will be good. Second, I'm going to have to skip therapy for at least one week. At sixty bucks a pop, it's become a precious commodity to me. And is it going to kill me to miss one? No, I'll still be here and alive...but this hole I'm digging myself may end up biting me in the ass and then I'll really need therapy. I figure, give myself a week to get squared away...AND my birthday is coming up, and I told everyone- just money. So add that into the mix, and by the end of June, I should be okay. No more getting sick that is for sure- cut into my finances big time.

So that's the general plan. I'll play around with it some more. I really don't like missing out on therapy...it's what has kept me going, even when there seemed to be no hope at all...somehow, in that room, with that therapist, hope still existed and kept (keeps) me alive. And now, yeah, I have a nice share of flash backs, and remembering and my nice skewed view of myself. Especially now- compliments are getting hard to take and normally I take them the wrong way (I mean- who takes a compliment the wrong way??!!!).

To the extent- even though I'm sick as a dog...I'm going to work tomorrow with two kids. I did however, make sure that it was my higher functioning kids, which means they won't be socking me in the kidney's during therapy. And then Saturday, I have one kid for three hours. I am working for two reasons: 1- the kids obviously...they hurt when I hurt. 2- I'm broke...I honestly don't even have time to be sick. So everyone, just please pray that tomorrow isn't the day when one of my higher functioning kiddo's decide to let loose and I suddenly have bigger problems than I started out with!

I figure I'll go to sleep now- it's about 9:00pm...sleep for 12 hours...drink, eat, go to work, then come home- eat, sleep etc. Not too bad. I could stand driving back home (one hour drive) and back again, all in the span of like four/five hours. And I lived...in pain, but lived. So tomorrow should be livable.

At this point in time, I'd really like to cut my left kidney out, because it so pleasantly hurts like a mother fucker. But hey, that's life. At least it's a really bad physical pain, instead of a really bad mental pain. Oh wait, I got that too today, when I went home to see my mom. My sick little ass, swallowed my pride and went home to mom and all I got (well besides someone to pay for the doc appt and 'script) was a lecture on how many pills I take, or how hard I work. Ya know...all I really wanted was a hug, and maybe an, 'it'll be okay, is there anything I can do for you.' But no...lecture and a check. Don't know what I was thinking, that my mom could actually feel? HA, yeah right, I must have been delusional from the pain. But anyway...I've gone and buried that whole incident where it belongs in the 'what the fuck was I thinking' box. I'm a grown up now, I can do without her and her motherly ways.

So I'm back home, MY home, chilling...hurtin' (physically), ready for just some damned sleep, since I really haven't hat any since Sunday night.

Gee...was I getting bitter?

Good night all.

The song that keeps playing in my head and my car lately....

The second hand counts out my thoughts of you
And every heartbeat says your name
But you don't know me and the way I feel
But still the truth remains
My blood runs through your veins

How can I hold you close when you're so far away
How long will we still be apart
How will you ever hear these words I want to say
How will you ever know my heart
How will you ever know my heart

I'm writing letters to you every day
And then I mail them to myself
And here inside a box they wait for you
And every day is postmarked
I've held you here in my heart

How can I hold you close when you're so far away
How long will we still be apart
How will you ever hear these words I want to say
How will you ever know my heart
How will you ever know my heart
How will you know my know my heart
SOLO
And in the the ashes of mistakes and dreams
I see the outline of a heart
Well I've gone wrong
But still I know sometimes
God serves the best wine up right from a paper cup

How can I hold you close when you're so far away
How long will we still be apart
Someday I know you'll hear these words I want to say
Someday your gonna know my heart
Someday you'll know my heart
- Letters to Emily, Julie Miller

And one single tear slips down, for what it seems I've lost. Someday.

6-17
Hey, just a note- I am very ill right now- haven't slept much since Sunday night. Monday I pulled an all nighter, then I got sick late Tuesday afternoon/evening. Let's see, been throwing up almost every hour, though now it has been a few hours. I have severe pain in my left lower back, above the waist-line...makes it difficult to walk, lay down and the pain never lets up, so I can't sleep. Finally I discovered the pain lessoned if I layed on the hard ground. So last night, I took a lot of seroquel and layed on the hard ground and got a couple hours of sleep.

Maybe today will be better...it still hurts though, I need to go lay down again. Sitting up hurts too much.

Later.

6-14
It’s been an interesting day. I was exhausted so I had cancelled a therapy session of a kiddo in the morning. So I went back to sleep and low and behold I almost sleep through MY therapy session. I finally got there ten minutes late…barely awake. And of course…when I just wake up, I’m always the highest on guard and defensive. I have a feeling that my counselor realized this because we really didn’t get anywhere, there was just no way I was talking- at least about anything heavy. Just pretty much reviewed what when on while she was gone and some good sarcastic humor here and there, it’s great. Next week will be better, I’ll be more ready to talk- really talk.

Then off to see a kiddo- it was great…she is doing so very well…she has really blossomed in the past few weeks…it’s wonderful to see. Very rewarding and awesome to be a part of the process. So I was pretty happy about that and then I followed them to the new house they just built and she was so happy to show me around. Then it was time for home and disaster partly.

My rent check bounced- the landlord took almost three weeks to cash my check…I thought he had cashed it a long time ago and thus thought I had money. Turns out the bastard held onto it and didn’t cash it for three weeks...I was so mad…my roomie tried to tell him not to charge me a late fee, but it wouldn’t fly- even though it’s now his fault the money is late!!! If he had just cashed it that week- no problem. So now I have to pay an additional 150- for his waiting so freaking long. I am pissed. So that’s five hundred bucks tomorrow. I have about five hundred and fifty- six dollars. So six bucks for gas this week.

And now I have to be extra careful with money. I have a doctors appt. on Thursday with my pdoc and then next week I have my counselor who I have to pay for this week and next week, as well as some past weeks that the insurance won’t cover. I have a feeling that I’m either going to have choose between pdoc and counselor. I don’t think I can afford both right now. And I guess it will have to be pdoc because I have to get prescriptions. Oh boy, what disaster. And my car needs some work on it- oil change and a head light is out. But no money, so everyone pray nothing happens on that front.

Then on top of that, I know my next months rent is due the last week in June, I pray I have enough…I may just have to cancel the rest of my counseling this month to make rent. And food…well soup and pizza rolls will have to do for the week, and I will be going home some weekends, so that covers that. I just need to make enough to cover gas and rent. And oh shit…I have utilities. Hmm, okay gas, rent, utilities. Pray nothing, and I mean nothing un-expected comes up or I am screwed. Well, I guess I am already partly screwed- no therapy for the rest of the month is really going to hurt, grrr. Some things I need to talk about, as flashbacks have not abated and I'm right in the middle of trying to find this balance thing and generally therapy helps to keep that in check. Geez, what a life, choose between therapy which helps keep me alive and well or rent so I have a roof over my head. Life sucks. I hate it right now. Yeah sure, welcome to the 'real world' Erin...but I know the fucking real world and it really hasn't been too fucking kind to me lately. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. That felt good to say...for about five seconds. Need about fifteen more. And sleep maybe. Not. Fuck.

For a complete change in subject- I was just looking through some recent emails and this one caught me, a friend sent it to me- it’s a little story:

“Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

 This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this  statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get  back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Right now, this very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them. And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.”

I was actually silent when I read this. It made me reflect on my own life- So often I find myself in the hot seat…and I always wonder- why? Why must I continually fall and go through “shit.” I used to say I was given a test and though it seems I passed it (by deciding to live), I’d have to re-take it over and over again. So I guess perhaps I still have many lessons to learn…and I am learning them the hard way it appears, but I guess He does not quite see His reflection in me.

But then of course I then think of someone like my mom, who is quite far from being moral and Christian in the truest sense of the word and she is not being held quite in the same hot fire I seem to find myself in again and again.

So why…why do I find myself there time and time again, despite trying so hard to lead a good life. I don’t do drugs, smoke or drink, or even have sex, for I’m still a virgin. My life’s work is that of helping special needs children and their families and I devote a great deal of my time into that. I have my website and message board where I further try to help people. I lead a good life, I know I truly do. So why, oh why, do I sit in this fire for so long!

Is my next lesson the lesson of asking for help? For money from people? Something I hate to do. I’d waaay rather make ends meet myself, work more if I have to, but I hate asking for help, for money. But is that a lesson I must now learn- humbleness? Get rid of some of that pride of mine?

I don’t know…but definitely has given me some food for thought. I look back at my life and each time I find myself in the hot seat, I learn something knew. But gosh…I hate going through it time and time again because each time my hope diminishes a little more. Do I need to pray harder? I still refuse to go to church because it’s so freakin political and so many hypocrites- I just look at my parents and see them go to church and consider themselves good Christians, yet my mom has no remorse for what she did/does, only excuses and stands in judgment of so many people and their lifestyles. But she goes to church and lies her way through it.

So how could I ever walk into a church and believe what the people say. I’d much rather read my bible and pray to God…the way it should be done. But how’s this- I hate even praying to Him, as I feel there are much more needier people out there than myself. But I see no reason why I have go to church to be Christian, to believe in Him. I find it much more personal than that and that suits me just fine.

But still…what more can I do to prove I am a good person, to have good things happen to me. I mean I know good things happen to me- I’m alive, fairly healthy, I know some great people, I have a job I love…but bad stuff does keep happening…and I just want that to end. I just get so tired.

Oh Lord, here come the tears…I knew they’d show up eventually…mainly because I am tired of the daily fight my life has turned into. Sure, I have some great days…but now so many of them…it’s just a fight…a fight to stay sane and to stay happy and frankly sometimes I just get a little tired of it. How I wish to live in an un-pressured day, where so much isn’t hanging on the line.

I mean here it is 2:00am and I am writing a report for a family, trying to get their kid the services he needs from the school. I want to sleep, but just gotta get this done…this child deserves all the help he can get.

And I’m sitting here worried about if I have enough food to eat the rest of the week and more importantly enough gas for the week. Need gas to drive to work to make money. I almost wish I could just get a tent, and go live outside for free! But you know me, I’d at least have to have internet access ;-) But still. My worries are getting the best of me.

I better get back to work and worrying. So I just leave with the question of why…why do I have to go through this shit over and over again?

Night...and one more, "fuck."

 6-13
Well…another child with autism is potty trained and another therapist is exhausted. Such is life.

What a long fucking day. I woke up late- stupid alarm clock- just didn’t hear it (meaning: body was telling me to sleep). Then, the morning just did not go well for my little kiddo- many accidents. Partly because she woke up dry, even after drinking and eating a ton before she went to bed…and she was just holding it! We took her to church since her parents spend about 9-1pm there…so it was a natural setting…well she exploded…ugh, pee and poop a lot! And all over me lol. BUT…the best thing came out of it…she went poop in the potty! Which is awesome, so very cool and hard to do and she did it. And ever since then, no more accidents for the rest of the day! And she did alright, I’m proud of her (as you can tell, I have no problem with "potty" terminology"...comes with the territory lol).

But long day nonetheless! I wrote a rant…but decided it should go into the private box, but some of it will make it here. Just talking about stress and such. Sometimes…it is hard to do what I do and somehow I need to find balance and a way to de-stress and not get so worked up. And remember to take my fucking Xanax and such. I really notice a difference on the days I remember my morning meds and the days I don’t. Big difference as far as how anxiety ridden and agitated I can become. Days I remember- phone calls no problem (used to take a couple hour preparation), and just things are easier to handle and work isn’t so stressful…days I forget…anxiety shoots through the roof and I want to be a hermit again and everything is just hard. Lesson: find a sure-fire way to remember meds, must do that- it is at the top of my list.

 

Sleep- my demon that I battle on a near constant basis. It was so nice, for about a week and a half or so…I fell asleep no problem and got up no problem and life was good. I know I should analyze why I could get natural sleep and now I can’t…I don’t know a total reason why…other than life wasn’t super, super stressful, and I didn’t have any appt. until 11:00 or after, except one day. And I’d just be online at night and just couldn’t stay awake and the next thing I knew I was asleep by 12 or so. And I’d wake up- not completely refreshed- but enough. But then it became a battle again and remains one.

 

I should be sound asleep right now at 10:00pm after a super long weekend, with little sleep. But, I’m at that point where I’m not really awake but can’t sleep. I hate that, but that is what has been happening…so Seroquel will be taken shortly. I have a few things I need to do, but I’m going to get up at 7 and do them…go to bed at 11, get up at 7…eight hours…should be good. I know I need more, but that should suffice to get me through the day.

 

Let’s see what else. There’s stuff I want to write on, but just don’t feel like it. I put some stuff in my private rants, good enough for me. I think…eh, it’s time to put on some music, finish talking to my friend, get some seroquel and advil and find sleep.

 
Why do I lie awake at night
and think back just as far as I can
To the sound of my father's laugh outdoors
To the thought of Sputnik in free-flight?

Before I could fashion my poverty
Before I distrusted the night
I must've known something
I must've known something
Those were the times I live for tonight

Why, why, why, I say Why, Mama, Why?
Why can't I sleep in peace tonight
underneath the satellite sky?

It can't be easy for my children
I'm hollow before my time
It looks like a desert here to me
Where is the promise of youth for my child?

Where are the faraway kingdoms of dreams?
We've been to the moon and there's trouble at home
They vanished in the mist with Saint Nicholas
They lie scattered to the ghettos and the war zones

Why, Why, Why, I say Why, Mama, Why?
Why can't I sleep in peace tonight
underneath the satellite sky

I want to stand out in the middle of the street
and listen to the stars
I want to hear their sweet voices
I want to feel a big bang rattle my bones
I want to laugh for my children
I want the spark to ignite
before they find out what it means to be born
into these times

Why, Why, Why, I say Why, Mama, Why?
Why can't I sleep in peace tonight
underneath the satellite sky?

Night

6-12
Ah, I don't know how I'm feeling tonight. Well, stressed is definitely there. Just stress from all angles. Work is fun, always of course, but anything outside of working with the kids is stressful- parents, boss', other responsibilities. Just stressful. I've got one family who worries that their son is losing skills are not progressing enough, but at the same time, reducing therapy hours...(where's the sense in that?!). I do what I can, but I know it's not enough unfortunately. I have another family that's anal retentive and get chewed out because a meeting ran late, so our session was just an hour and a half instead of two hours. Phew. My other two families area alright, but both are now embattled in a fight with the school system over IEP's...so I'm fighting along side them and that is stressful. Just need to take a deep breath. Next weekend I think will be a sleep weekend. This week I've got a potty training going on. She did really well tonight and I can't wait for tomorrow. I have no doubt we can get her potty trained by the end of the weekend. I'm working a little on her language too while I'm there...as she is non-verbal. I actually have to get up in about five hours, since she gets up early, ugh.

But, since I was stressed today and just generally not in the best mood...I did something for myself- bought a mandolin. It was a beginners one and was not too expensive. Two weeks pay with one of my kids, sixty bucks or so. Well worth it I think. In my head I thought: hmmm, do I want to go grocery shopping or play one of the most beautiful instruments. I figured I could live on granola bars and pizza rolls for another two weeks. It was worth it. So hopefully that will be delivered in a week or two and I can get playing. I figured what better way to relax after a long day at work.

If I'm not too tired tomorrow, I'm going to begin the big project of revamping my website. After three years of basically the same material, I felt it was time for a bit change. I've been gathering some material...just need to get it all organized. I'm very excited about the changes I have planned. Just need the time and energy to do it.

Time and energy...something I have not had much of. Kinda sucks, at the end of the day, I just want to go to sleep or something, I'm exhausted. I need to find some more balance in my life. Just figure things out. Just need to figure out HOW to live life. I've spent so much time just surviving life...but now I've entered the phase where I need to live it. And get my ass organized. I have appt.'s and stuff all organized...just need to organize papers and my life now.

Well, I'm falling alseep here, so I'm going to go. Big 'potty training' day tomorrow! So I'll go to bed thinking about the wonderful sound of the mandolin. Happy birthday to me lol. I have my priorities straight- music first, food later lol. Oh well...I'm tired, stressed, my violin needs strings and to be tuned...and I'm just TIRED. Very TIRED (Hey- at least it's not 'i'm tired of life and things' but a genuine tired, as in sleep tired :-)).

Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night. 
~George Allen

Oh my fair North Star, I have held to you dearly, I had asked you to steer me,
Till one cloud-scattered night, I got lost and in my travels I met Leo the lion,
Met a king and met a giant, with their errant light,

There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen,
Who say they have no claim to know what's right.
There's the weak and the strong and the beds that have no answer,
And that's where I may rest my head tonight.
-Mercy of the Fallen, Dar Williams

Night

6-10
"This Side"

One day you'll see her and you'll know what I mean.
Take her or leave her she will still be the same.
She'll not try to buy you with her time.
But nothing's the same, as you will see when she's gone.

It's foreign on this side,
And I'll not leave my home again.
There's no place to hide
And I'm nothing but scared.

You dream of colors that have never been made,
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
Only the curious have something to find.

It's foreign on this side,
And the truth is a bitter friend.
But reasons few have I to go back again.

Your first dawn blinded you, left you cursing the day.
Entrance is crucial and it's not without pain.
There's no path to follow, once you're here.
You'll climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs.

It's foreign on this side,
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide
But I don't think I'm scared.
(there's no place to hide)
(there's no place to hide)
But I don't think I'm scared.
(there's no place to hide)
But I don't think I'm scared...
-This side, Nickel Creek

6-10
Well, no super deep profound thoughts tonight...I just didn't take sleep meds so I'm up. Sleep has been interesting lately. For a while there I was getting NATURAL sleep...do you have any idea how long it had been since I got more than a week of natural sleep? I can't even remember. I was so happy when I was sleeping for a while with no problems. But not it seems to be getting off kilter. Part of the reason, I think, I had been able to sleep was a light schedule and nothing until 11:00am and after...so I stay up until 2 or so and still get eight hours of sleep. Though often I'd fall asleep at 1am. I did pull one all nighter and that might have messed things up a bit.

So tonight, I am not having the all natural sleep...well I mean I'm not taking pills, but I'm not sleeping. If I'm not tired by 11 or 12am tomorrow, I'll take a pill since my Friday is packed and this weekend I potty train a child...so I will take Seroquel no questions asked. I will need my sleep and the kid gets up at about 7am, so I have to be up and ready. Nothing like a fun filled 'potty' weekend LOL. But it'll be good, I'm excited to get this kiddo potty trained and the parents are so happy. And I get paid, wahoo...I can go grocery shopping!!! It will be sad not living on pizza rolls, granola bars and eggs. Yum Yum lol.

Tomorrow and Friday are packed. Tomorrow I meet with the director of a volunteer thing for the local river. I actually met him today- he invited me to go to a fundraising seminar- that was some great info and then tomorrow we are having lunch. I'm really excited. For a long time I've been quite a hermit, not doing anything outside of school/work, so the prospect of meeting others and doing something else I love has got me excited. Then I work with a kiddo, whose doing awesome. Friday- PACKED. Morning I see a new client for the summer...yup I'm a sucker...got roped into doing therapy with another kid. Not sure how...there's a waiting list for me...but he sorta jumped to the front. He is a new client to the company and is just so ready for therapy, you can see it in his eyes- once he starts I know he is just going to take off!! So I let him jump to the front...the other kids have at least one therapist and have been in the program for a year or two. I mean it's hard to pick which kids to do- I wish I could do them all...but he just...don't know. He's one of "my kids" now!

The BIG news is that one little kiddo I thought I had lost is back in the picture. I saw him Monday and Tuesday. He ran and gave me a big hug and five kisses! He remembered who I was and our bond was still there. I guess some things really are unbreakable. He's lost some skill I know, but not everything. Some things, I've learned, can't be un-gotten. On Tuesday while his sister was graduating from fourth grade and his mom watched, I walked the little guy around (he wouldn't sit still) and oh he was babbling. Then the cutest thing happened. We sat down on a bench, him in my lap watching Blues Clues on his portable DVD player and he took his right arm and put it around my neck and pressed my head to his and then he kissed me. And anytime I tried to move my head, he pressed it back...it was the cutest, sweetest thing ever.

His mom and I have begun to patch things up. Just lots of miscommunication and both of us being too stubborn for our own good. She IS very worried about his summer therapy. My company is offering a summer program, for kids to go to the office and have a therapist do therapy...so he is going to participate in that. So, IF this new therapist is able to get him to do things, then hurray, and I will resume therapy with him in the fall (well no matter what, we'll be doing therapy in the Fall)...but if she isn't, I'll run a few overlaps and training sessions to see if that works. If it is totally failing and he's just not working, then I will rearrange my schedule and take him on for the summer.

I know I'm probably dumb for just doing that, after being cut off and not knowing anything...and doing him for free and switching up my other kids schedules...but it's...him. He's almost four...SO CLOSE to talking...I won't lose him now...I know he can make it, he has a chance. I mean, with all my kids, I'd do anything for them, to help them...but he is THAT ONE client who...gets to you and you break a few rules to see him get to where he needs to go.  He'll get there, I know he will. He's come this far, some things can't be un-gotten...I have so much faith in his strength, determination, stubbornness, sarcasm lol and what I see in his eyes. So yeah, hurray for seeing him and his family again (though with some lines and boundaries in place).

As for other things, not much to report. Just been really busy, sorting out scheduling, moving stuff around, doing some favors and scheduling in some chill time. My professor is back in town this week and we have at least finished the rough draft of our self injury research study. She loved my discussion which I spent forever on. Answering the question why someone chooses self injury as a coping mechanism...not an easily answered question. But I thought I did alright. We meet on Friday for some fine tuning, hurray.

My B-day is in about three weeks now and I can't wait. Not because I'm another year older, but this violin with only three strings and out of tune is driving me nuts because I keep wanting to pick it up and play it!!! And you won't hear me say that that often! Music has been my friend this week. It's everywhere...if you see me in the car, I'm singing away and foot tappin away...same in my room. It's just so comforting and reaches into the depths of my soul. Very few things can reach me there and touch me there. It's incredible. Just incredible. I can't even put how music affects me into words. It's that special.

So it's drawing nearer to 3:00am, I have to get up at 10:00am...I need to do something for sleep!!! K, a little seroquel taken, enough for sleep, not too much to make me not get up in the morning.

So I'm going to put the head phones on and drift off into a dreamless sleep...ending my string of natural sleep. Oh well, it was great while it lasted.

Night.

6-5
Well…I have baseball as my favorite sport, working with kids, my favorite kind of work, Dar Williams as my favorite singer…and now I have a favorite book.

Ellen Foster.

If you haven’t read it- GO READ IT. It was there I found some of myself. If it’s Dar that makes me want to heal, to want to feel and gives my pain a kind of voice…this book actually made me feel things, made me see things…made me find a little of myself.

“It is like when you are sick and you know all the things you ever ate or just wanted to eat are churning in you now and you will be sick to relieve yourself but the relief is a dream you let yourself believe because you know the churning is all there is to you. Go ahead. Push it in said the magician. Push it in and turn it a few times just to see if it hurts. See? You didn’t feel a thing.”

Words don’t get written much better than that. I remember that relief being a dream, and at times it still is. I remember not getting it, not seeing what was before me…I held on to pain and suffering and the past because I thought that was all there was to me. And if I let go of that, what would be left? I did find out though…I found out there was a woman here, she likes Folk music…and perhaps a little bluegrass on the side, she likes the water and just being on it or around it, she likes music (maybe even more than sports), she likes learning…about so much…and she likes herself, without that pain, suffering and past.

“Well I know why you hated my daddy but what about me? Why can’t you see I am not like him?”
”All I know is when I look in your face I see that bastard and everything he did to my girl.”

That reminds me of my mom…I remember after the divorce how everything I did was wrong, and if sometimes I asked why…she said my father acted like that…and since she had programmed me to hate him, why of course…I should hate myself. Though of course the tables have turned…I am like father…and I am very damned proud and glad of it. He has become a good man, and I hope I make him a proud father.

“But it was no use just like when you are standing there with the smoking pistol you found beside the bleeding man and you try to tell the police you found him there and you have a good reputation and this is just a terrible accident.”

Oh Lord is the quote ever reminiscent of my mother…and how I can’t tell her a damn thing because she won’t believe it. I occasionally feel like confronting her with truths and it’s incredible how the human mind can distort, forget, lie, and deceive, even to itself. Nothing that comes out of my mouth will ever be good enough for her, or will ever ring true in her ears. She can’t hear it and she can’t believe it.

“Sometimes I even say to myself this feels very good and I count up what I like about the way I am living now.
Number one is that I do not plan to leave here until I am old…Number two and three is that I do not owe anybody any money and I can count on food to eat that I do not always have to fix or be guilty eating.
And the best number four is my new mama saying good morning to me like she means it.”

I can actually relate to that list of hers. I am so very happy to be living where I am living. This college town…it IS my home…I think sometimes I fell in love with this town because this is where I am healing…but it is more than that…it just fits me and who I am and who I am becoming.

Now, I do owe money and barely have enough to eat, but the thing about it is…I make my own way and when I eat the food I buy, I don’t have to feel guilty about it. When I spend a dollar I don’t have to feel guilty about it because it is mine…no parents asking for perfection in return. On second thought, I do have another parent who does give me money and food, when I finally break down and ask, but like Ellen Foster, I don’t have to feel guilty for it (though I feel a twinge of it, but that it isn’t his fault, it’s my other parents power over me still) or be perfect in return. But most of all, I like the fact that I can count on myself somewhat. Self-reliance…I think I was born with that :-) And I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

And like Ellen, I like the number four. People like me and care for me, and they mean it. Sometimes it’s hard for me to get over that, I’m so used to hurt, even recently I was hurt pretty bad by one family…but I do have other people who have stood by me and when they say they care about me…I believe it…and it feels good to believe in it. Gives you a little hope back in this world.

There is this one place in the book where she is seeing a school counselor and that just cracks me up! I saw several therapists before I got the kickass one I have now, and you know what…Ellen acted just the way I acted with my therapists lol. I call them “pansy” therapists now. I could see ‘em digging for stuff sometimes, and it was so easy to just smile and say what they wanted to hear. And that is exactly why they never knew a damned thing about me.

“Before you can talk you have to line it all up in order and I had rather just let it swirl around until I am too tired to think.
You just let the motion in your head wear you out. Never think about it. You just make a bigger mess that way.”

Can we say profound? Couldn’t have said it better myself. I am always of the mind set that before I can talk about it, I have to have it all figured it. Which, I think, sometimes defeats the purpose of therapy lol. And why I have trouble sometimes with it. I try to make so much sense of it (hence hundreds of pages of written word), but can’t. And once I did figure out that talking might be a good idea, the mess got bigger and bigger. But although the rain came down when I opened my mouth, I noticed other parts of the sky were opening up and the sun was shining in the horizon. Some parts of me were healing even when other parts were crumbling.

But, ever the stubborn one, I always just wanted the motion to wear me out. Get up, go to school, go to work, leave it alone, go to sleep. But, in the end…I needed rest time from the motion and get it all sorted out. You get tired of running after a while. I never was much of a long distance runner…perhaps it was because I did it all in my head for so long. It’s kind of nice to let some of that out and rest a while.

“Have you ever felt like you could cry because you know you just heard the most important thing anybody in the world could have spoke at that second?”

I’ve had some of these moments, but I’ve never cried. Maybe the biggest moment hasn’t happened yet. But I just remember that sentence making me smile. It felt good to read those words.

“I had plenty of time to myself. Which is something I always enjoy.
The only problem is that all that free time leaves your head open for thinking and before you know it your brain slips a idea in you and you have to shoo it away...So I try to keep my head pretty full at all times. But as soon as a spare room opens up in there here comes somebody like my daddy settling in thinking he might make his self right at home.
But I got my own ideas about what comes and goes through my head and I intend to think about what I please from now on. But I figure it will take a while to get that system down pat.”
Great passage about liking being alone, but the trouble with it as well. Reminds me of how I’m always working so hard to be busy…the busier I am, the more I don’t have to think about other things. Lately, there have been a lot of spare rooms and unpleasant thoughts, memories, truths and lies are boarding up. I do my best to deal with them…I still have a lot of learning to do about how to keep certain thoughts in my head and other ones out. My system is far from down pat…I mean it used to be- I simply kept everything out…but let’s just say that didn’t bode well for living, so it’s time to figure something else out.

“I would really like to paint them one of my brooding oceans but they would miss the point I am sure of how the ocean looks strong and beautiful and sad at the same time and that is really something if you think about it.”

What a beautiful set of words about the ocean. How I love the ocean, the water. The last I was at the beach I was with my research team. I remember that I was staring out at the ocean, sitting just where the tide was coming in. I don’t remember how long I was there, but just remember watching…it was beautiful and I was feeling so much. How free it looked to be out there, how strong those waves were and yet I was feeling much sadness flowing over me.

Later, my professor finally plopped down next to me, looked at me and said that was the longest she had ever seen me sit still in the two years she’d known me. I just looked at her and said, that’s because my mind was doing so much work, the body could take a rest.

“So what do you do when that spinning starts and the motion carries the time wild by you and you cannot stop to see one thing to grab and stop yourself? You stand still the best you can and say strong and loud for the circle of spinning to stop so you can walk away from the noise. That is how I walked then.”

How I have felt that way for so long. Every time I get my hopes up and they are shattered. Every time the floor suddenly drops out from under me, or if I feel a knife through the heart. You stand there, summon all the will that you can, suck back the tears and the words you want to say…and you walk away from it. And I then stuffed it and went on. It’s how you survived and went on.

“And there was a day last year when she said if I didn’t cry sooner or later I would bust. That is something I am still working on. I think how good it would feel but there is always my mama’s mama’s voice telling me to cry so she can slap me.”

Phew…did that passage ever hit home and made me hurt. As I said, this book made me feel. You know, I’m always asking why can’t I cry…I think I may have found my answer tonight in part. I remember my own mother telling me to cry so she could slap me…or better yet, if I DID cry…she’d tell to stop or she’d REALLY give me something to cry about. Can you imagine being threatened like that? Your own mother…telling you that she is going to hurt you and make you cry. The woman who gave birth to you, supposed to protect you and love you and keep you safe from this world- she is going to hurt you and make you cry.

So I stopped crying somewhere along the way, to prove I’m tough, strong, brave…I can take whatever she gives…whatever this world wants to do to me. And so I don’t cry, because part of me still feels too weak and vulnerable to do so and I still can’t get those words out of my head. But I’ve got someone on my side working on turning that around. I just don’t know how she’ll ever get me to cry, to really cry…how does that come?

“Get away from me he does not listen to me but touches his hands harder on me. That is not me. Oh no that was her name. Do not oh you do not say her name to me. That was her name. You know that now stop no not my name.
I am Ellen.
I am Ellen.”

”Down the path in the darkness I gather my head and all that is spinning and flying out from me and wonder oh you just have to wonder what the world has come to.” And that’s all I’m going to say.

“You see if you tell yourself the same tale over and over again enough times then the tellings become separate stories and you will generally fool yourself into forgetting you only started with one solitary season out of your life.
That is how I do it.”

Kinda describes my memory…it’s so fractured, that things that may have happened at once, or in the same time, each become their own story, so sometimes it feels like I can remember a lot. But if sometimes I sit down and try to do a time line of events…it’s all gaps except for a few things.

“I started to think she wanted me around as a substitute for my daddy. And each day I was not exactly him but just enough of his eyes or nose to tease her oh she boiled violent inside.
It must have been hard for her to keep in mind that I was a girl Ellen and not a man she wanted to be alive by her so she could kill but wanted him alive too so she could work her power on him.
And she had some power. Without saying one word she could make my bones shake and I would think of ghost houses and skeletons rattling all in the closets.
Her power was the sucking kind that takes your good sense and leaves you limp like a old zombie.
That is how I felt some days. Like a old monster zombie who was a girl a while back. But I got my fire back in me now.”

“She wanted me so hard to be like him. She reminded me all the time how me and him favored and acted alike…Sometimes she talked so strong to me that I had to check in the mirror to see if I had changed into him without my knowing or feeling it. Maybe her wishing so hard made it so I thought.
I decided I would jump off the bridge if I was different from my old self.
Maybe he did rub off on me. I still wonder sometimes if I am fine myself or if I have tricked myself into believing I am who I think I am.
So many folks thinking and wanting you to be somebody else will confuse you if you are not very careful.
It gives me nerves to worry about me.”
All I can say here is…welcome to my past. It was kind of scary reading this because it was almost directly what happened to me. I remember it so clearly. When my mother looked at me, I think all she ever saw was a man she hated more than anything…I wasn’t her little girl, just him. And my mother took every opportunity available to tell me how my father and I looked and acted alike. Which was perfect for her… I was so hungry for love, for warmth, for family, that I lapped up every word and believed it all too.
“I still wonder sometimes if I am fine myself or if I have tricked myself into believing I am who I think I am.
So many folks thinking and wanting you to be somebody else will confuse you if you are not very careful.”

I really like those lines. I have often told people that I just didn’t know who I was or that I felt empty inside and that is why- I was too busy being somebody else for everybody else.

And now these days that I am finding myself…I have to make sure I’ve not tricked myself, as I have done before.

But anyway…how those words hit home…I thought to myself to, I should shed a tear for this, but none were even close. A fact I’ve grown used to.

But anyway…that’s the end of my quote fest from a quite incredible book. It’s funny as I think of the style of writing- it flashes forwards/backwards, changes settings so fast…but it’s all good because it’s written how my memory goes. And gosh how some incidents mirror my own, or better yet, her humor at times reflects my own. It’s great!

So now I know what to do on a rainy afternoon- put on Dar Williams and pick up Ellen Foster. What could be better?

So right now, I’m sitting in the room I’ve rented for the summer. I can’t tell you how happy I was moving in today…yes I said happy. The house is old of course, and used by college students, so it’s about as clean as you would expect, being mostly males living here…but I smiled at all its imperfections because for the first time in a really long time I felt like my age. I felt like someone my own age.

It was time for me to move from my friends…she has gone back to the hospital yet again…her illness has taken her over and she’s lost herself, and become the illness. So that is hard to see…plus, I’m allergic to smoke and she and her two kids smoke, so I was miserable at times. Plus it was outside of my college town and I felt away from home.

And now I’m here in my place. Have my stuff here and just how I want it. I live with two guys, my own age…in a house, in the town that I love. I was so proud today, that I got here! And of the things going on in my life. I’m working this summer with my kiddo’s and they are doing so very well, and I think I’ve managed to pick up a fourth client. I’m writing an awesome paper with my professor. And yesterday I talked with my big boss (boss’ boss) and we talked about potty training (my new specialty with autism…apparently no one likes potty training…gee wonder why? :-)) and she wants me to keep some data on what I do and notes and perhaps next year at the national ABA (applied behavioral analysis) conference I can present a poster on potty training. Do you know how cool that is?! Next week, I’m having lunch with the director of a local volunteer place for the local river…finally getting my ass back near water and he seems really enthusiastic to talk to me, so now I’m enthusiastic. I’ve also emailed the director of the Challenger Division of Little League Baseball, to see if I can get a league in this area (the Challenger Division is baseball for special needs kids). I’ve talked to many parents and they would be so happy if we could get a league here. It would be so great for the kids. And finally, I’ve picked up my violin…I have yet to play though…apparently six years of dust collecting makes the strings weak, I broke the G string and the others are rusted at the top…but my birthday is in three weeks, so I was hoping I could pick up a new set of strings and some rosen (spelling?) for the bow. But it’s here, I’ve picked it up, strummed a bit…appears I remember a few things.

So lots of good stuff happening. My parents (mom and stepfather) brought up my bed today. I was actually excited; I wanted to show them where I was living and all that I was up to. In my head I had a few thoughts. The first was, they should support me when they come up here- I’ve worked hard, making it on my own, doing what I set out to do, and things are so good. Then the other part of me said, wait and see, nothing but criticism will come.

But for one damned time I just wanted to hope that they’d smile and be proud, or happy that I was happy.

A knife through the heart.

My mom didn’t want to get out of the van, just from the looks of the outside of the house. She’s a neat freak and if everything isn’t pristine or looks good, she hates it. So of course she hated this place. I was so happy to show her around I was actually giddy. I got nothing but criticism. Then I hugged her later out of happiness, that they were here and I was showing them around, and she just said, why- you don’t love me.

Another stab.

I tell them of all the things I have in the works…nothing…other than maybe a “that’s good.” Wait I take that back…I meet with my boss tomorrow to discuss some security measures for our company computers and other misc. things and my mom says, “oh are you getting fired” when I mention I’m meeting with my boss. Later, I tell her about meeting with the director of the river thing, and she says, “oh, do you have to do community services for the traffic ticket.”

Another stab.

I was so happy, proud in what I’m doing…and I just couldn’t/can’t understand their actions. I try to show them love, I’m trying to be a god-damned good daughter…it’s never good enough, never. Never. Never.

I wish I could get to a point in my life when it will not hurt as much. I try to tell myself I don’t give a rats ass about their opinion, but I do. But at least it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. I can still function after rejection or a lack of warmth on their part. But it does kind of suck the air out of your balloon a bit.

But I’m still sitting here…in my room…looking around. I still have a little of that happiness left over in me.

I truly know now how immersed my mom is in her ‘fantasy’ world. In our big confrontation we had the other day and she brought back up her “abuse” and how she’s not in therapy etc., I said, “our two abuses affected us differently.” I purposely used the word abuse when referring to our pasts, and she caught it as I knew she would.

A stab and turn of the knife.

She looks me in the eye and goes, “you were never ever abused and if you think you were that’s ludicrous.” There…I had it, what I always suspected and knew, I now had in words from her. She does not think she abused me. At all. Never. Great. Not. But at least I know how far it runs in her, the lies that is. A confrontation with her will never ever happen, that was as good as it gets.

And let me tell you, hearing an abuser say to you, “I didn’t abuse you,” kind of makes you question everything. So I did a little…did she really hurt me? But the answer has become a “duh” question. She laid a hand on me, repeatedly. That’s abuse. The words out of her mouth, constantly- that’s abuse. My memory is one thing and hers is another. But I can’t be sure of anyone’s but my own.

I find myself actually feeling sorry for my mom, to be so very blind. Haha, but then I’d have to feel sorry for myself at one time, because I used to be that blind. But I’m not sorry for myself. And as much as I feel bad for her, I know she had it so rough…that can never be an excuse…it’s not a reason to be bad parent, to hit a child, to deceive a child, to exert that much power over a child. Both my parents histories are riddled with abuse, it could have stopped with them. But it didn’t. But it does stop with me. And that’s why my mom can’t use that as an excuse. If I can stop it, she could have as well.

I really watched her during this fight (see, I’ve learned how to fight with my mom and not let my ‘bones shake’ or cry or anything else, I stay distant and analytical), and how vulnerable she got at times…now that I’ve tried a new method of fighting with her. You know, telling that just because she was just a kid when she had me (19/20) was not an excuse for the way she parented me (I hinted at badly lol)…and even as she defended herself, somewhere in her, I saw in her eyes she knew I hinted at a truth…or rather it flashed in her eyes. So she tired the ‘if you were a kid having a kid’ tactic…I don’t bite that one anymore though and then she said she did the best she could given the circumstances, so I said you are right, “I agree with you,” you did the best you could, given your circumstances and the models you were given. It actually took a moment to speak after that. She seemed so much smaller this time…sometimes when we clash, she seems larger than life.

But anyway…that clash left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s made me realize just how badly I just want her love and acceptance. And it’s actually another knife in the heart when she actually says to me, “You don’t love me.” She says this so much…but I know two things about that statement. First, she knows that I do, and saying that knows that I will then profess my love and then prove my love. She knows this, works like a charm- it’s almost like a threat or punishment…just her uses her mothers love as power. The second thing I know…is that I do so much to earn her love…I have to “earn” her “unconditional” love. Great mom, oh yes. Great. Not.

Well, I’ve been writing now for an hour and have managed to write an eight page rant it seems. I had a lot to say.

I’ve noticed something recently. So I’m writing this paper with my prof and every week a different section of the paper is due. Twice I’ve been caught with so called writers block. But I’ve realized it’s not really writers block…I’ve always had something deep inside me that just needed to get out before I could focus on our paper. The first was several weeks ago, I needed to write about sexual abuse…this time it was this long as rant. Now I feel like I can write our ‘discussion’ section…something has been released in me.

Writing is so much freedom for me. I wish I could talk this well. But I’ve been thinking I need to get to talking better. Next therapy, I want to work extra hard on talking and actually answer the hard questions. Sometimes when we venture into the sexual abuse arena, I just can’t answer the questions. But part of me thinks maybe I am ready, maybe I can say the words. But I don’t know. There are so many things I don’t have the language for yet. But it will come, it will come in time.

((Sigh)). I suppose I should sleep…meet with boss tomorrow, write discussion section…chill. I’m here…alive, and healing at times. Actually, you know what I’m doing? I’m learning to be “me.” A funny thing to have to learn…and maybe that’s why I’m liking myself…I love to learn, so if I’m learning myself, then I must like myself. Damn. I’m good with logic lol.

Anyway…I am discovering myself and who I am…and it’s a whole new world. And even sweeter when you’ve got Dar Williams to listen to and Ellen Foster to read.

Night.

6-4
My sleep schedule bites the big one. I'm in between feeling crappy and okay. I take it hour by hour. I'm anxious to finish moving from my friends place to the house I'm renting this summer.
 
So here's what is bad:
Ran into major car problems, and it has wiped me out financially, I barely have enough for gas...been eating as little as possible and just somehow getting by.
Mom and I had a big confrontation. Apparently SHE NEVER abused me...so hitting isn't abuse in her book or the lengthy emotional abuse. I don't fault her for not knowing about the sexual abuse (other than perfectly preparing me for it).
Unpleasant things talked about in therapy have given me many flashbacks, that I'm just tired of.
Lately, been missing that one kiddo of mine that I'm not working with.
Felt somewhat lonely.
My sleep is miserable...some nights I can sleep from 1:00am to 9:00am the next day, other nights are like this, 2/3/4am to 6am or so.
I miss my little brothers.
Services were denied to one of my kids in an IEP...we didn't sign and will be proceeding further, even if it means litigation.
 
Here's what is good:
Work is great with the kids I still have- Tonight, the little girl I work with FINALLY learned/understood addition!! I was so proud of her.
Last night, I printed over two hundred pages of the special education law and court cases out...I found out the law is on our side for my little girl...I passed what I learned onto the parents...the school will be sorry it denied services...she deserves the best and every opportunity to succeed and her parents and I will see to it that she gets that chance.
My relationship with my Dad is going well.
I'm trying to get back on a regular med schedule.
I picked up playing the violin again, well not yet- I need new strings and stuff that I can't afford right now.
I've seen a few recent music shows that have calmed me. Music is like oxygen to me.
 
As you can see, the bad is outweighing the good...that is never a good sign...but I suppose I can live with it. I just have a lot of unresolved issues, and that unsettles me.
 
Okay, I'm rambling and I hate rambling so I'm going to go now. Later.

6-2

I've had a lot of time to think, and write, and think, and get a good nights sleep for the first time in a long time. In time I looked at myself and said, "what in the hell are you doing Erin!?"
Last night I had a mini confrontation with my mother...she's abandoning our relationship. She said I was a stranger to her, always on guard and didn't treat her very nicely. I turned it around and said she was a stranger to me, I was on guard because I felt her tenseness and my behavior reflects her attitude toward me.

I think perhaps the worst part of it all was that she said she has never abused me, and said if I thought I was abused, it was ludicrous. Some mom, some parent. It's like I don't even have one. She is so wrapped up in her own little fantasy world that she can't see how badly her daughter hurts and I keep asking myself- she knows how sick I am and does she just think I got that way by magic? I'm sorry, but NO good parenting produces a child that self injures,or has as many problems as I have had.

But I realize that no matter how bad off I may be, or how well I live my life no matter what, she sees nothing I do, unless it's good, as a reflection of her parenting. So every time she hit me, that wasn't abuse…every time she told me to do better than my best because my best wasn't good enough, that wasn't abuse. The lies she told me about my father wasn't abuse. The lies she continues to tell isn't abuse. The lack of trust, security, warmth and love that wasn't abuse. The fact that I've been sexually abuse, that wasnt abuse.

Now, I could have taken last night in two ways: I could have spiraled into a quick, hard depression- after all, your abuser is saying they didn't abuse, so I must be the one that is screwed up. Or, I could sit there and stand tall and strong with my beliefs I know what happened as a child, I know what was done and how it affects me. And I cannot be responsible for her beliefs and feelings, they are hers and hers alone, just like mine are simply mine.

I chose the latter for the first time. I know I'm a good person I work with kids and I do see the impact I make, I work here on this site and board, and I can't deny what I've done here, I work with my prof in research trying to make even more of a difference. I am making a vast difference in this world, and I am damn proud of that. And if she can't be proud and happy for me, then screw her- that is her and her own little world. Parts of me are a reflection of her, but more importantly, I am me and I am my own person. And I like the person I'm becoming.

I am saddened that my life with my mom has turned out this way, but it is not of my choosing, it is of her choosing we both have very different opinions about how life has been run. But this time, instead of cowering and submitting and pleasing I stand by myself, I stand by who I am because if I don't do that, I'll be lost forever.

And that's why I'm here with a hello. This place was a dream of mine three years ago and I somehow turned that dream into a reality and I couldn't be happier. It's stressful and hard at times- that's no lie but it also brings so much joy and I'd be a fool to stay away. Turning my back would mean turning my back on myself, and I'm not willing to do that anymore.

I know what I like these days, I know what I want to be like I have more focus and hope in my future than I ever have. And most of all most of all- I have found my voice. And she is stubborn (oh is she stubborn), she's strong, plucky and ready to shine.

So hello everyone welcome to the next stage in my life. I'm ready for it's getting my climbing gear ready, because that wall will be scaled.

 

Time for work, and difference making time. I smile...I smile for me and it's real.

 

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