How To Survive A Horror Movie
Welcome to my Horror Tips page! I tried to make sure that none of these tips are repeated, so if you find any that are, please send me the numbers that are repeated and i will fix the problem. Also if you have any new tips to add, you can also send me those, but please make sure that they aren't already in here.
1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.
7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.
8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".
21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.
28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) Will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyway because you are inferior to them.
33) If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villain wants as their own.
34) If any animals, such as Birds, Piranha, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.
35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.
36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dog meat anyway.
38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)
40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload)
43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, your gonna become one of 'em.
44) If you're the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.
45) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
46) DO NOT go into the dark room.
47) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.
48) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
49) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
50) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.
51) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
52) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
53) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when your supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!
54) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.
55) If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
56) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
57) Never handle the rat-monkey cage.
58) Your dog can take care of itself... So can your spouse... And your kids.
59) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.
60) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
61) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.
62) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.
63) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
64) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.
65) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning.
66) People driven by vengeance always die.
67) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.
68) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
69) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.
70) Feel no guilt.
71) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
72) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
73) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
74) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O.
75) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).
76) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
77) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.
78) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.
79) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
80) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
81) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
82) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
83) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your &*@$% cage!).
84) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.
85) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.
86) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.
87) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.
88) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Preferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.
89) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.
90) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!
91) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).
92) If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away.
93) If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire.
94) If you know someone who does taxidermy on humans, and owns a hotel, do not get a room there, EVER.
95) Do not plan to engage in sexual activity whilst a murderer has escaped or a monster is near.
96) If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child).
97) A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!" run like hell.
98) Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn . . .
99) Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.
100) Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you.
101) Never open canisters, especially not if they're government owned.
102) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a *real* bad idea.
103) Never meddle in God's domain.
104) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.
105) If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by.
106) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.
107) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.
108) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.
109) Don't work the night shift.
110) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.
111) Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (i.e. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc ...)
112) If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)
113) If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-bombs.)
114) If an iceberg appears to be radioactive, do not crash your submarine into it.
115) Don't explode A-bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopuses, etc.)
116) Don't explode A-bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-bomb test.
117) Don't explode A-bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.
118) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaph and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.
119) Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead.
120) Stay on the Interstate.
121) Never EVER eat the dead monster's heart.
122) If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.
123) If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
124) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already.
125) Also, any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.
126) If you are walking in the woods and you heard a choo choo kill kill sound, I suggest you start running.
127) Whenever someone warns you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They're only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death)
128) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.
129) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait.
130) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. Also, don't swim at night, especially when alone.
131) If your female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower.
132) If your really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.
133) When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!!
134) Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.
135) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.
136) Don't volunteer to be scanned!
137) Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
138) Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.
139) Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.
140) Take back TV's that breathe, or in which you see yourself doing vile things on the program.
141) If you have any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!!
142) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium! In fact, YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED!!
143) Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies.
144) If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure its a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation.
145) NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.
146) Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho.
147) All myths and legends have a basis in fact...
148) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures. You can't.
149) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up...
150) If you are an obnoxious character, who will go on to get a "Seinfeld-type" sitcom, never run away from the group and lock the doors behind you.
151) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.
152) If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind.
153) If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead.
154) If you value your life, stay a virgin.
155) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.
156) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.)
157) If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silver bullet - AT ONCE!
158) When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.
159) When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.
160) All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)
161) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.
162) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.
163) Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was.
164) Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.
165) Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless your Bill Gates.
166) Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.
167) Don't eat food supplements, health food or yogurt. Its not as good for you as you think.
168) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O. of Corporation.
169) Avoid men in black.
170) Avoid men with pointy teeth.
171) Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
172) Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway.
173) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to virgins blood and speak in Latin.
174) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.
175) If little Billy says that Aliens have landed in the back garden don't play in the sand pit.
176) It's generally not a good idea to burn a guy with blades on his glove because he'll usually come after your children in their dreams.
177) A smart thing to do is to cancel your trip to see your aunt Bates and your cousin Norman at the Bates motel immediately.
178) If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.
179) NEVER ever pick up hitch hikers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.
180) NEVER start crying/whining when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villan does not really give a damn about your life anyway.
181) Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.
182) If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.
183) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never, never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."
184) The first thing to do when witnessing a satanic ritual in the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, their bound to yell out into the night, asking you where you are.
185) Always carry spare headlights in the RV If you forgot them, find a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.
186) When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.
187) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much, much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must A) Be a natural blond. Blondes with visible roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters D) If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here. E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate. F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this a lot. G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.
188) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.
189) If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergalactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.
190) Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especially if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.
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