TIPS PAGE 3 #382-616
382) If a giant city destroyer spaceship is hovering above your city, leave before it can fire. You will die unless you are a) a stripper with a child and a dog who has survival skills and can drive trucks or b) an egghead with a Macintosh computer
383) Do not walk into deserted creepy farmhouses because you most certainly will never come out!
384) Never try to rescue your half-eaten companion. remember, if more than his/her foot or hand is eaten, he/she is basically dead! There is no way in hell that your friend (who's lost half his body) will recover and lead a productive life. Shoot him and move on.
385) IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUN FROM A MONSTER, TRY TO RUN TO A PLACE YOU KNOW. DO NOT RUN AT BREAKNECK SPEED THROUGH SOME CITY OR BACKWOODS THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO. YOU'LL MOST LIKELY RUN OVER A CLIFF OR INTO A DEAD END ALLEY WHERE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FASTER THAN THE MONSTER YOU CAN "FLY", THE MONSTER WILL BE WAITING WHEN YOU TURN AROUND.
386) BURN, SHOOT, OR KICK ANYTHING STRANGE. "IT" IS NEVER CUTE, INTELLIGENT, FRIENDLY, OR INTERESTING. IF "IT" HAS EVER BEEN DEAD, "IT" SHOULD STILL BE THAT WAY.
387) NEVER DEVISE A PLAN THAT MAKES SENSE, IT WILL INVARIABLY GO WRONG. DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY RANDOM, LIKE PURPOSEFULLY RUNNING OFF A CLIFF, SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, YOU'LL END UP IN ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE THE MONSTER IS DEAD. UNLESS YOU'RE THE MAIN CHARACTER, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY SO TRY SOMETHING NEW.
388) DON'T TRY TO KILL THE MONSTER BY CONVENTIONAL MEANS(I.E. STABBING, CHOKING, SHOOTING, BLASTING INTO LITTLE PIECES), DO SOMETHING STRANGE, LIKE SOAKING THE MONSTER WITH THE BLOOD FROM YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER'S LAST MENSTRUATION PERIOD OR JUST WHIP UP A CONVENIENT LITTLE BLACK HOLE OUT OF NOWHERE AND PUSH HIM INTO IT.
389) If you find out that the last owner of the car you would like to buy died in it, do not buy the car! If one of your friends buys the car, however, it's too late to save him; he'll be dead by the end.
390) When ever you have (to your assumption) slayed the monster, villain etc.., do not turn to a fellow survivor for a hug.
391) If you've come to town for your grandmother's funeral and you just found her pet pig slaughtered in the kitchen (blood all over the floor and his head in the fridge), LEAVE TOWN NOW!! Don't wait for the demon and all his minions to begin killing off the slutty local girls and bringing you their earrings still in the ears.
392) When sending an elite strike squad down to the surface of a alien infested planet, leave someone on the fucking mother ship. Oh and when you leave the planet before it blows up, shut your landing gear.
393) If you are alone and see a beautiful woman (naked or otherwise) DO NOT go to her, help her or interact with her in any way.
394) If you are a girl with big breasts and you are trapped in the garage with the killer. Never try to climb through the doggy door on the electric garage door. You will get stuck and the killer will hit the open button and your head will get crushed.
395) Discourage your parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded mountain-top hotels.
396) If you're possessed, don't eat pea soup - it's a bitch to get the stains out of papal robes.
397) When a old man walks up to you and says "go away or you shall die!" run like hell.
398) Never have sex on a boat if there has been stories about a axe murderer who killed teenagers.
399) If your a kid on a camping trip and your family has just been attacked by a monster and your family made it away and your stuck in your sleeping bag don't try to bounce away because he will knock you across the woods until you hit a rock and split in half.
400) If zombies are following you do the right thing, say no to brains.
401) If your stomach hurts and you recently had a attaché by a alien that pops out of your stomach then 9 out of 10 people would agree that that's no heart burn.
402) If you made it to the sequel of a movie where goblins popped out of the john then whatever you do don't take a crap cause you might lose alot more then just your life.
403) If you have to relieve yourself, hold it in. Anyone who drops a loaf or urinates either gets slashed in the woods, impaled while in the out-house, or gets sucked down the can.
404) Keep your car windows rolled up at all times.
405) The boogieman IS coming to get you, so you better start believing in him fast.
406) The police are NOT going to believe you, so don't even bother going to them!
407) If you get dared to do anything, remember: Darers go first.
408) When bad guys get angry, they don't make mistakes. They just hurt you even more.
409) If you have witty lines AND top billing, that's a good sign you're gonna live.
410) Be as attractive as you can possibly be; it improves your chances of living.
411) Never "try and be funny". No one likes your jokes, accept that and go on with your life (however short it is.)
412) If it's your first movie, you're probably dead.
413) If you meet someone who has no reason to be there, chances are it's them doing the killing.
414) ANY and ALL dolls are bad! If you see any type of doll at all, whether it be action figure or an African tribal totem, BURN IT!
415) If you receive a strange object with directions, FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS!
416) By now you've realized certain attire should be avoided at all costs (Halloween masks, clown suits, badges, etc.) However, none of these can approach the danger level of a wedding dress -- the more old-fashioned, the deadlier. Don't wear it and run like hell from anyone that does.
417) An exception to the above can be made for your bride-to-be ONLY if in a church full of real people whom you know. If she shows up wearing it anywhere else, or in an empty church, leave now or expect a honeymoon in Hell.
418) If you're being chased by a giant, radioactive Monster, Subways, Skyscrapers, Nuclear Power Plants or (God help you!) Tokyo Tower are not good places to hide. In general, giant radioactive Monsters have a strong preference for destroying famous landmarks (Eiffel Tower, White House etc.), as opposed to lesser known structures.
419) When you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you think it's dead, think again, the monster is not dead, nor will it die, it's just resting. Take this opportunity to leave the city, state, or even the country
420) Any seed pods approximately the size and/or shape of a human being should be destroyed immediately. Burn them or hack them to shreds; a few squirts of Roundup will not suffice.
421) Giant eggs of any kind should also be destroyed, and for God's sake don't try to cook and eat them.
422) Always wear track shoes. Your life may depend on outrunning a buddy.
423) If your new house tells you to get out, DO IT.
424) Never ever EVER say I'll be right back, cause you won't be back.
425) If the police who are protecting you from a killer are sitting outside your house in their squad car, get the hell out of town. They're already dead & the monster is right behind you!
426) Save yourself lots of time & trouble....kill everyone else.
427) As soon as you see the monster, chase it & rip it's mask off. You're as good as dead anyway & at least the people watching the movie will get to see what he looks like.
428) It is NOT a good idea to have a party/sex/booze in the graveyard/haunted house/mausoleum.
429) If the ATM machine calls you an asshole, avoid ALL mechanical devices.
430) If the locals advice you to stick to the road, stay off the moors and beware the moon, take heed.
431) If you survive an attack by a werewolf and your dead friend, who wasn't so lucky, visits you from beyond the grave to tell you that the next full moon you will spout hair and fangs, believe him and kill yourself. It will save you a lot of pain and guilt and many people from death.
432) If your dentist looks like that guy from LA Law, cancel your appointment immediately.
433) If you're in a large mausoleum and a little silver sphere is flying towards you--please duck or go hide. Standing in place could result in severe loss of blood from the forehead.
434) Don't ever try to open a door that has been sealed for a long time or if you don't know what reason it was sealed for. There is about a 95.7% chance that it was done for a very damn good reason!!
435) Never answer the phone in a horror movie.
436) Never feed anything after midnight.
437) When you've knocked the killer to the floor and dazed him, for god's sake don't try to whack him anymore! He'll just block you and get really pissed. Just get the hell out of there!
438) If you shoot, stab, bludgeon, burn or otherwise do something harmful to the killer, make sure it's lethal, or else chances are, 5 minutes later he'll be immune to it.
439) When you've knocked the killer down the steps and the only way out of the house is over his supposedly dead body, just use the window.
440) Never EVER piss/spit on the grave/tomb/entrapment of a madman/monster/etc.!
441) If you're cornered on the 28th story, just jump out the window. It's quicker and less painful.
442) If you impersonate the dead mother of the killer, DON'T let him know you're not her just before attempting to kill him. JUST KILL HIM!
443) If you make eye contact with the killer, even if it had no interest in you before, you are dead meat, wherever you run.
444) DON'T hide in a barn, warehouse or other enclosed area with only one exit!
445) And most of all, DON'T TRY FISTICUFFS AGAINST THE UNDEAD KILLER!!!
446) NEVER go to the prom on the anniversary of your, or your friends little sister. Or you will more than likely DIE!!!!!!!!!
447) A 20 Gigawatt Plasma gun might help you to survive a while. Get one as fast as you can and don't forget the flame-thrower optional upgrade.
448) If you are about to be killed, dare the psycho to do it. If you want to die you probably won't.
449) Before you get killed by an undead creature, find out it's secret of eternal life and come back after it.
450) If you see credits...... then you are saved (until the sequel)
451) If you are female and the psycho is male (or vice-versa) then fall in love with the cornball, if he does kill you, he'll go mad and kill himself, saving millions at the cost of your own life, you'll get a higher reward and will be worshipped as a hero/heroine and probably come back to avenge the psycho.
452) If you are being chased by an idiot, turn around and run towards them, they'll turn around and run away (am I the only person who ever thought of this?)
453) Hug the killer, they will be so overcome with emotion that they'll let you live
454) Be nice to everyone, including Jason and Freddy (I find it hard not to like Freddy), kill people for him and you will be highly favored in the eyes of serial killers everywhere
455) It doesn't matter if their Lucky Charms are magically delicious, steer clear of Leprechauns!!!!!!!!
456) If you try to open the car door, but had to go and get your keys because you forgot them, do not get into the car when you return if the doors are suddenly unlocked and the windows are steamy. This generally means the killer is in the car.
457) If you find yourself in the sequel in a hospital where only 5 people are working and there are no other patients, leave and go to the set of ER.
458) Never have puppets lying or hanging around in your room, eventually, they will become possessed and try to kill you.
459) The boogie-man is NEVER dead.
460) Just stay inside on all holidays, none of them are safe anymore!
461) Never Trust some one who can speak Latin besides Catholic Priests.
462) Never, NEVER, under any circumstance hit any one who is possessed, just to save her you will spend all eternity in Hell
463) Never wish for some one to return from the dead who was buried graphically and never found. They or a hell bound murderer will turn against you.
464) Never eat the bad guy's heart, no matter how tasty it looks.
465) Don't ever dig up the corpse of a dead bad guy with the intention of destroying the body. No matter what you do, he'll come back to life.
466) Avoid houses where portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the dog begins pawing at the wall for no reason.
467) When holding your gun to the killer/monster's head make sure the safety is off. (This works better in blowing the bastards head off).
468) If you have been in numerous horror movies and have been killed before the opening credits are through, we suggest you find a new line of work.
469) By all means try to avoid wax museums.
470) If you come across an old abandoned house that is boarded with 15 pick-up trucks in the front yard don't ask for directions just get the hell out of there.
471) A walking puppet with no strings is not cute.
472) If a scroll has been written with blood on human skin never break the seal.
473) If a huge crater opens up in your back yard move ASAP.
474) Never say the killer's name 5 times into the mirror to prove "it's just a story".
475) If you have been around the kid most of the day and says "the boogyman is at the house across the street" or some thing like that, believe him and go across town or out of town for the night.
476) If you see a little kid in the middle of the night on an off to the side road that says "the Vampires are in the club house and they got your friend" or some thing like that, don't tell him to get in your car, better yet run him over so he doesn't trap you in the club house.
477) You remember that hot little number who wouldn't know your name even if you were her brother...well chances are she ain't a virgin...go tell her to stand in the shower naked and you'll send that hot quarterback to fix her...how the hell is she going to know the difference between Jason and a football player...they don't bother to take off the helmet.
478) The keep out sign is probably there for a very good reason.
479) If you went to a camp to be a counselor and you are the only survivor from a massacre…...why would you go back there next year?
480) The next time your breasts are showing remember that being stapled to the wall with a spear isn't that bad if you are dead.
481) If you are going to have sex, never have it with a girl that asks for it. She probably is possessed and you will die. If you make her do it both of you will die.
482) Whenever at the end of the Movie they show some weird thing that had nothing to do with the recent teen-kill fest, and you are a survivor, torch the damn town. Better the rednecks than you.
483) This rarely happens but if one of the guys in your group happens to be the son of a black minister, there is no way in hell he is dying, so stick with him.
484) ALWAYS stay a virgin till after the credits roll. If you have already given it up prepare for a swift death (sliced and diced).
485) DON'T FALL ASLEEP, EVER! Insomnia is a viable alternative to death.
486) Never eat white gooey stuff bubbling out of the ground near a mine/refinery/etc. It will most likely take over your brain and/or disintegrate your body.
487) If everyone who died of a mysterious death on the ship, shortly before had contact with the ships cat, shoot the cat as soon as you see it.
488) Never take anything from a scientific lab.
489) Run out the front door and not up the stairs.
490) If your parents are out of town and you live in the country or up in the hill's don't have a party, and go to a friends house.
491) Watching Prom Night saves time.
492) If you are swimming, and hear fast-paced cello music, get the hell out of the water, and maybe the state, and don't stand like an idiot looking to see why everyone started screaming.
493) If you decide to live in a house possessed by evil spirits, never ever have a priest come and bless it. Doing so will cause your brother to become possessed and kill your entire family.
494) If your brother looks strange and wants to have sex with you, no matter how sexually deprived you may be, RUN AWAY!! Having sex with your brother is like selling your soul to Satan.
495) Never piss off a clown. Especially if his name is Pennywise.
496) Always listen to the crazy old peddler who says that he is a messenger from god, and tells you that your camp grounds are cursed.
497) Don't bother to pick up the phone because invariably the line will be cut or dead, or there will be an evil voice coming from it (if you're real unlucky, there will be something nasty protruding from the mouthpiece or earpiece).
498) Never turn your back on a open door. It will close.
499) Just because it's real quiet, don't be fooled. Even the biggest, clumsiest monsters can sneak up on you.
500) Never attempt to investigate an electrical object that is working, but not plugged in.
501) Never admit a phobia to anyone. It will somehow be used against you.
502) Never hide or pretend like your dead to scare somebody. You're just asking for it.
503) If you start having dreams or hearing voices that give you advice, listen to them! Chances are they are somehow linked to you and are looking out for your safety.
504) In a sequel, never EVER go back to the town where the original horror happened. If you do, you're just asking for it.
505) If you leave your abusive husband (especially a cop), change your identity, move to a small town, and fall in love with a great guy - you might live but your new lover is bound to die.
506) Never take any medication -- its gonna get switched with something fatal.
507) If your appliances go hay-wire -- LEAVE. Get out of the house & get out of the town. Something strange is going down. Go to an island with no electrical appliances or vehicles. And the less people the better.
508) Do not trust anyone. Its a death sentence. They're either gonna be evil or they're gonna die in which case are gonna cause you to barely escape.
509) If the lone survivor of an alien uprising on a deserted planetary mining colony is an eight year old girl and she gives you advice on how the aliens operate, DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT brush off her opinions as the ramblings of a child. Remember, she was the ONLY survivor.
510) If you live in or are going to move to a quiet town, go away. Chances are something very bad has or will happen.
511) If you ever get a flat tire on an old dirt road in Texas don't stop to fix it.
512) If you have killed a monster with a pistol or some other weapon, always put some extra shots in it or use even more weapons against it.
513) Remember that the really witty and attractive girl will always die in the most original way possible.
514) Just say no to drugs; unless they are really good. That way you won't have to suffer with the pain.
515) Always listen to the crazy old lady.
516) If your father kills your mother and/or has a room full of gloves with knives on them don't wait for them to come take you away!
517) Never walk or run while looking in any direction other than straight-a-head.
518) If you think you're being stalked and you happen to have your cat with you, follow it's lead. If it starts to hiss or act scared, run for it.
519) Stick with the trained dog or cute kid. Neither will be killed and their instincts will generally steer you out of trouble. You will be dead meat, however, if you are the kid's older sister's boyfriend.
520) Usually the little kid has the best ideas for avoiding things that might maim or mangle you. Listen to him/her!
521) While sounding like a turn-on, sex outdoors is generally a bad idea.
522) If you think you've killed the monster/stalker/fiend and there are several others out there, then congratulations! One down, a few more to go... If, on the other hand, you think you've killed the only monster/stalker/fiend that's been bothering you, then don't go near it!
523) Don't drop your weapon! But also don't let the monster leave your sight for a moment. It will take the opportunity when you avert your gaze to sit up and recover.
524) When walking down the same hallway you've walked down a million times before in your house, turn the lights on. And run past any open doors or adjacent halls.
525) Never situate your desk in such a way that your back is toward the door, window or hall. Ditto for couches in front of TVs. Position all furniture against sturdy walls.
526) Never look directly into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or creepy books. Also never look into spooky people's eyes, just in case.
527) Way to tell if panic is warranted: If the power goes out in your home, look out a window at the street lights and neighbor's houses. If their power is out too, just calm down and take a nap. If your house is the only one that goes, then leave immediately.
528) Don't bother trying to barricade yourself in a shopping mall to avoid zombies because no matter how nice it may seem in the end raiders will break in and let all of the zombies and you will end up dead.
529) If you see a strange man in the road of a place you shouldn't be holding a sharp object, don't hesitate to run him down if he won't move, and make sure to go back and forth over him if he breaks your windows.
530) Never ever, under any circumstances, touch a monster on the ground. He'll grab your ass and tear you a part. Monsters playing opossum is the oldest trick known to man.
531) Never ever assume someone you know is at the door.
532) Never make fun of the monster and say what you would do to it if you saw it (tear his head off, kick his ass, tear his nuts off) because it will do just that to you.
533) Never argue co-existence with a demon house. It'll only end up deciding it doesn't like you and your family and destroy itself.
534) When being chased, do not try to get out of the by way of the cat door.
535) If the main character is holding the one item that can destroy the monster/evil/demons, do not grab it and toss it into a monster's lair. But if you should happen to do this, don't run off into the darkness alone afterwards.
536) If you decide to get a Leprechaun to give you 3 wishes, be extremely specific.
537) Never use a pipe wrench to hit a creature that is 3 foot tall or smaller or has killed more than 3 people, it is definitely stronger, and more powerful than first perceived.
538) If you decide to kill your mom, and she comes back, under NO circumstances follow her orders.
539) If a monster ( killer/ demon/ cousin/ monkey/ plush toy / midget/whatever ) is dead , DO NOT decide to dig up it's grave, and shove a steel rod through it's heart from enragement, during a thunderstorm.
540) When swimming at a place you've never been to , look for caution signs. Search the thick greenery well.
541) Do not gloat in victory over a monster, no matter how sure you are that it can't get you.
542) They can't hurt you under the covers. It worked for Richard Moll.
543) Never go any where near the washing or drying machines. Just don't do the laundry, PERIOD!!! Clean close isn't all that important, people can't smell you through the TV.
544) Every one is doomed, just break in to the White House and press "the big red button" and end it all, you will be thanked, except by the producers, who wouldn't be able to make a sequel.
545) When in the movie, don't get a role in which you say or do anything important. Be a cameo, or extra, nothing bad happens to them. My advice is be the old man in the background.
546) If you are a teenager, but appear to be in your late 20's, early 30's; be extra cautious, you are in a horror movie.
547) If you see a guy in a mask, it probably isn't one of your friends pulling a prank. It's probably a maniac who will cut off your head or something.
548) If a guy tells you to say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead from a cemetery, DO NOT FORGET THOSE WORDS!
549) Don't play pranks on people. Either they'll come back for revenge or an evil maniac will figure out a way to use it to his or her advantage.
550) Never try to fist fight a killer, 'cause you'll most likely lose and get killed.
551) Don't hold seances in any place where people have died, or dead bodies are stored, or any place of the dead. You'll most likely conjure up some demons that will possess you and your friends.
552) Never visit a wax museum after midnight.
553) Don't call phone numbers that say EVIL in them.(976-EVIL)
554) Don't open gifts from family Satanists(see RABID GRANNIES)
555) Never take showers in Bates Motel.
556) Don't open canisters that contain gas that supposedly re-animates the dead.
557) It's pretty much a good idea to stay away from all camp grounds.
558) Never kill anyone. They'll most likely come back for revenge.
559) Never screw around with ouija boards. Ever.
560) Don't play satanic music and use what it says to open gates to hell.
561) Don't do experiments with teleportation devices.
562) Never interfere with satanic rituals.
563) Always make sure your car doors are locked before you get out to pump gas! If you don't, when you get back in, the killer will be in your back seat.
564) Always carry a shotgun. You may not kill the monster but, you'll slow him down.
565) If your not a main character do not try to dress up like the killer!
580) In no scary movie are the aliens ever friendly. Don't attempt to find out what they want, don't stick around to watch them land. Just run.
600) Know this, if you go off alone to get yourself a beer - you won't live long enough to drink it!
601) If you open a partially closed door, don't be surprised if a corpse falls out.
602) If your film is a self-parody of the horror genre, then disregard everything on this list.
603) If you ever see a neon sign where certain letters are missing, in the correct configuration to produce a word with a sinister connotation, under no conditions have anything to do with it.
604) If you know that a remake will be produced of your film, make sure David Cronenberg will be directing. Otherwise, it'll suck.
605) If you're in a movie that makes an active effort to overturn the cliches of the genre, then you're on your own!
606) If all the women become flat chested in an instant, kill yourself!!!!!!!!
607) If you've been having mad passionate love with your girlfriend in the cemetery and out pops her dead husband don't let him bite her. Also if you think he bit her, do not, I repeat do not, shoot her in the head and think that she is dead, when in fact she just fainted from all the stress.
608) Try not to attract ALL the nasty evil things when you scream really, really loudly.
609) If you are being chased by a monster, and an old pickup truck pulls up beside you and the driver shouts to get in, don't. The driver will be the monster's unmutated companion who will only drive you straight back to him.
611) If you are handicapped in any way, expect to die.
612) If there is a killer on the loose, do not decide that 'now's the time" to lose your virginity. Unless your boyfriend/girlfriend IS the killer, in which case you're good to go.
613) When a girl can make fire come out with her thoughts, run the hell away.
615) When building a homebase for your satanic grotto/witches' coven, it is often not a good idea to make the ceiling completely out of glass, as at the first storm/hell breaking loose many people will die.
616) When being chased by someone or something in a car (while you're on foot)...don't run down the middle of the street!
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