TIPS PAGE 4 #617-836
617) When calling for someone, after a half a dozen times, get it in your head they're not going to answer and something is WRONG!!!!
618) If you are an incredible geek and all of a sudden the high school's best looking girl asks you out, run as fast as you can, because the carnage is about to start.
619) Aim for the head!
620) Don't go to summer camp with a girl who has a doink!
621) Do not trust strange Barons or Counts with the last name Alucard. It's Dracula spelled backwards dummy!
622) If young children band together to stop the end of the world(i.e. The Monster Squad, The Gate). Do brag about their active imaginations and help them damn it.
624) Crying vampires are easier to kill with stakes, garlic, or holy water. Do not be kindhearted, just DESTROY the bloodsucking creature of the night. Anything that whines that much about being immortal only has it coming.
625) If a old man who claims to be Dr. Van Helsing shows up at your door, LET HIM IN. Do not say Dracula was just a book and it's 1997. He's not a funny old man and he knows what he's talking about.
626) If you don't have a heartbeat, and brains smell mighty tasty, kill yourself fast. Save your friends, family, and the whole world the worry. As we all know when zombies appear.....EVERYONE DIES!!! and for God's sake the basement is the best place to hide.
627) Large breasted cheerleaders should have sex with the nerdy guy in the back of the class. He will be the hero and you will survive by being his woman.
628) I don't care what you think about RuPaul or Ed Wood. Transvestites are dangerous. Just look at Leatherface, Dr. Frank N. Furter, Norman Bates, and that guy from the Silence of the Lambs. One "Miss Thing" or "You Go Girl" to one of these folks and your history.
629) If you befriend one monster to help you battle the other monsters, do not think that you can get by on monster power alone. Without fail he will be taken out before you can make use of the creature. Be prepared to fight for yourself...and your life.
630) Never be alone on devils night.
631) If you are a grave robber or for any reason hang out near a cemetery consider a new occupation.
632) If you happen to be chosen to help discredit a Satanic cult, decline the offer.
633) If you are already in the process of discrediting a Satanic cult, avoid accepting anything, even if it belongs to you, from the leader of the cult.
634) If you have already accepted something from the leader of the Satanic cult, and it turns out to contain a bit of parchment with runes on it, give it back. Quickly.
635) If you are a gang member and there is a voodoo expert in town don't kill the boy who has been the "nice kid". For the voodoo expert will just shrink his head and send it after you.
636) If you hear an unfamiliar noise, don't ask who is there? RUN! The response is never a nice one.
637) Never dig up a psychos body to see if he's REALLY dead!
638) If you see the monster in the middle of the road while driving, don't swerve - run him, her, or it down, and roll over it a few times.
639) If you are a ditsy beauty queen with a large chest...there is no hope for you. You might as well just resign yourself to your fate.
640) No matter what sound you hear, no matter how faint and innocent it seems, IT'S NEVER THE WIND!!!!!!!
641) What ever you do, don't go to a summer camp where almost 98% of those who either worked there or was a guest at the camp were either impaled, shot, stabbed, or wrapped up in a sleeping and smacked against a tree.
642) If you're the pizza delivery guy and the house you're delivering to has dead bodies about the place, don't go to your car since the killer is probably in it by now, and the chances that you are not the main character are pretty high. I would suggest going into the house, putting pizza sauce on you, lying down with the dead bodies and playing dead when the killer walks by. Let someone else do all of the work.
644) If you are a good looking female virgin, you should not strip down naked and swim (by yourself) in a secluded lake.
645) If a monster is following you never, never, ever, decide to run up stairs. It only guarantees that the monster will catch up to you.
647) If you are a bum or drunk with no connection to the main character, and you see something strange in the sky, kill yourself quickly. It's better that way.
648) If there's a full moon, don't go outside for *any* reason - if you must, be sure to avoid cemeteries and lonely moors.
649) While running, never look behind you to see if the killer is there. He is! Look down so you don't trip, and don't scream hoping the killer will stop because 9 out 10 times they won't.
650) Stay away from the following:
oAnything that has an overabundance of y's and th's in it's name ('Nyarlathotep, Yog-Sothoth, etc.) oAnybody who's first and last name begins with the same letter o'Exciting' people. The more boring you are, the less involved in the movie you are, and the greater your chance of survival. oCertain directors such as John Carpenter and any Italian horror director. They always stick those damn trick endings in. oNew England. oAny profession that requires special tools, such as dentists, cartographers, 'do-it-yourselfers', doctors, etc. oAnyone who's unfaithful to their S.O. oAnything that begins with 'Great Old' or 'Elder' oReligion in any form. oOutboard motors. oWriting utensils. oBooks of ANY sort! This cannot be stressed enough! Even a harmless-looking children's book will turn out to be Evil ('See Dick. See Cthulhu. See Dick see Cthulhu. See Dick go insane.') o'Experimental' procedures. They're more trouble than they're worth, ESPECIALLY if they work. oMeat. oVegetables. oElectrical outlets.
651) If you answer the phone and somebody says "Have you checked the children" don't do it.
652) If you're the hottest girl in town and you just HAVE to dump your psycho boyfriend, do all of your friends a favor and just kill him, cause if not their all dead anyway!
655) If your hand, or any other part of your body starts acting weird (tries to hit, cut, maim or kill you), do not hesitate to cut it right off. Preferably with a chainsaw.
656) On a stormy dark rainy night when your parents go out, never stay home alone. Go over to a friends house or invite friends over. Remember to invite more than two friends.
658) If the audience doesn't think the movie is over, it's probably not over; so watch your back.
662) Cancel any dinner arrangements you have made with the Sawyer family immediately!
663) Never, ever , ever take a date to a drive in movie. You and her will both be sliced to death later.
664) If you have a child whose head begins to spin around without the rest of their body, start drinking alot of Holy water.
666) Think of one person, and, only one person; yourself!
667) Avoid people wearing black mackintoshes, gloves, and large hats, especially in Europe and Italy.
669) Uproot all funny-looking plants.
670) Refrain from voting for any politicians who favor budget cuts and/or work-release programs for insane asylums.
671) Avoid necrophilia at all times, even when the corpse is reanimated and clearly wants you in the worst way (so to speak).
672) If a man walks towards you in a stiff, staggering sort of fashion, do not assume that he is a cerebral palsy victim. Run.
673) Be prepared. Have the following on hand at all times:
ocrucifix (best when worn at all times) oportable sun lamp (in case of vampires) ofully automatic Uzi 9mm with silver-jacketed slugs oseismograph (This will pick up the footsteps of any giant monsters approaching your city, and will permit you to flee early and avoid the rush.)
674) If you are a virgin REMAIN that way, virgins never die.
675) Do everything you possibly can to delay the continuation of the plot. The longer it takes for the monster to start killing people, the better.
676) If you say words such as 'dude', 'like', or 'total' multiple times each in every sentence you utter, you're most likely going to die.
677) If you find yourself saying something like "guys, this isn't funny" or "I know its you in there," you can bet you're in a horror movie. Furthermore, you can be pretty sure that you're wrong; your friends aren't playing a trick on you...its the killer/monster.
678) Appeal to the villain's ego and get him to explain his master plan to you, since you're "dead anyway." No one who hears the villain's secrets ever gets killed.
679) Aliens only abduct people who don't believe in aliens -- so BELIEVE.
680) Consider *being* the villain in a horror movie. If you do a decent job killing everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of sequels. Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be coming back.
681) Churches and holy grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie. Every demon from Pinhead to Pumpkinhead can usually just walk right in.
682) Never sleep or have sex in bunk beds or any other beds with enough room for a deformed killer to hide underneath.
683) Don't ever test a monsters killing abilities!
684) Believe that the woods will always be alive, and will therefore tear you limb from limb if you leave the cabin. Don't do it!
685) If your name is spelled with an "I" in place of "ay" you will be killed sooner or later. Best to do it yourself than waste the monsters time. This same rule applies to anyone who's name ends in a vowel.
686) Never stand or sit near a window.
688) If you are in any deserted place, like a camp, and there are old stories of murders, leave while you're heart is still beating. And if you here something strange, get your butt out of there quickly.
689) Never look back when you are running away from a killer because he will only be in front of you when you turn back around.
690) Even if you think that you can't stomach it, falling in love with the bad guy is probably better than the way they decide to kill you.
691) If your a Priest, keep your faith. You never know when your going to need to make something holy (water, stakes, be inventive).
692) Remember that serial killers are just like the "Energizer Bunny" as in they keep going and going and going and going...no matter how many times you think you them ran over with the car!!!
694) If you are a girl and what you thought to be the monster was just the resident prankster trying to scare you, and then you think you see him trying to pull the same stunt a few seconds later, run. There is no doubt that it is now actually the real monster and your prankster buddy has already been killed.
695) Never consume any part of a dead monster. It never helps.
697) If your mother was murdered recently, expect the killer to attack you.
699) If you and your friends killed a man with your car and dumped the body, expect a man in a robe with a hook to kill your friends and attack you. Take a hint and run!
700) All horror movies with popular characters have sequels, don't be tempted by checks with lots of zeros. Money is no good in hell.
701) On the outside chance that you just knocked down a mad killer who was chasing you, don't use this time to run away. I suggest going back and ripping out his eyes while he is down. If your killer is a male don't be to afraid to try and rip off his genitals. After he is in that pain try to bust his head open with a rock or some other hard, blunt object lying around.
702) If you are in a situation where you think you might be in a horror movie do something crazy that no horror movie would ever show. You might want to try putting your legs behind your head, smacking your ass, and yelling "Pork chops and applesauce" repeatedly. Even if a horror movie did show that, you can at least die knowing you were part of the most interesting horror movie ever.
703) If you're a black man in a horror movie, don't even think that you're going to make it out alive...
704) Enjoy being covered in cold sweat, dirt, blood, mucous, etc. If you try to take a shower, you will die. If you wash your face in the sink, you will see the killer's face in the mirror when you stand up...and then you will die. Being dirty might be unpleasant but it's better than being dead.
705) If you ever get chased by A) Stranger with chainsaw B) Zombies C) Rabid madmen with handy finger knifes, never ever go to the police as they will not believe you and will probably lock you up in a small cell with a window where the killer can enter.
706) Look before you leap. Otherwise you might land in something nasty like a pool of maggots or sharp wire.
707) If you hear the music of the Goblins, RUN!
708) If you see Santa remember....." You better watch out, you better not cry", and you better not rent the sequels!!!! If you ignore the for-warned remember to fast forward through the first 45 minutes..... you've seen them before.
709) Always listen to the town crazy when he warns you of the curse or any other nasty story.
710) If your doctor informs you that you are suffering from a broken heart, and it has to come out, RUN!!!
711) If you are protecting a kid who has been marked as the son of Satan by a religious group.....Think.
712) If you are being chased by the monster, for crying out loud don't be stupid enough to stop at a pay phone and try and call someone for help!
713) Werewolves are NOT cuddly.
714) Never rely on your gun (no matter HOW many you have!)
715) In a chase scene, wearing high heels is a BAD idea!
716) Do NOT dig up canisters with dead green guys in them. Even for a joke.
717) Disabled people usually die, unless they're the main character.
718) If you feel that there are two when there should only be one, do something about it.
719) If your name is Rosemary and your child is that of Satan...what the hell? Go along with it!
720) Beat the serial killer to the punch. See if YOU can be the one to be resurrected multiple times.
721) Lead a cult. This way, if you get killed, you'll most likely be resurrected by your faithful followers.
722) You know that big rift/well/portal/gate that just opened up in your back yard? Don't play in it.
723) Large metal/stone paperweights come in handy during the big showdown with the killer.
724) Being a twin is just asking for trouble. Try and be the good twin, but if it doesn't work out that way, live it up as the evil twin. Might as well have fun while you're attempting to bring about the reign of Your Father, whichever entity that might be (Satan, Yog-Sothoth, whatever).
725) If you find yourself in a strange location devoid of clothing and soaked in foreign blood, something's wrong. Seek help.
726) Severed heads do not make good bowling balls.
727) Never allow yourself to be in bad physical condition.
728) Never be in an isolated place.
729) If a the dead prom queen "wants" you, then agree and you'll have saved the lives of every body.
730) Never be the first or last person in a line, as the last person will be shot, stabbed, killed from behind, and the first person will be killed from the front.
731) Never hold a cenobite to his word. Especially if you've just bargained your way out of eternal pain and suffering. Odds are they're still going to tear your soul apart.
732) If one of your party gets bit by a vampire or zombie, kick his ass out the door, he's history. It will help the other survivors stay alive, including yourself, for your friend who got bit will come back from death to get you.
734) Beware of severed limbs. They will invariably try to strangle, bludgeon or impale you, or inject you with chemicals.
735) Remember, the boogyman exists... even in real life... he always exists. He maybe your boyfriend, he maybe your neighbor, he maybe the mysterious homeless man in your town, he maybe that quiet kid at school, he maybe a brutal serial killer, he may have a presidential term, but remember, the boogyman exists....in many different forms. After you kill the boogyman, always remember that the title and or personae will be, unbeknownst to the inheritor, handed down. Watch out.
736) If you are driving down a dark mountain road, and a mysterious car pulls up next to you, and the mysterious driver (who you can't see) turns on the interior lights revealing a clown, and the clown smiles at you and stares you down, give that bastard the finger and speed off as fast and as far as you can, and don't stop until you reach civilization.
737) If you are fighting demons in an isolated mountain cabin, be sure your name is Ash.
738) If the camera (in a horror movie) focuses on YOU and YOU alone while you are trying to complete a task by yourself, you are going to die.
739) TIP FOR SLASHER MOVIE: If you see a sneaky man in a dark jumpsuit...RUN THE HELL AWAY!
740) No matter what they say; Fish DO hold grudges.
741) If your kid says 'Red Rum' repeatedly, then RUN! ( it's 'Murder' backwards)
743) Avoid taking "moderate" doses of Dramamine or Marezene to reduce motion sickness before your plane trip, and then react to the hallucinations by breaking the window (and releasing cabin pressure) to get the monster clinging on to the wing.
744) Be VERY careful what you wish for, and remember, don't take the pot of gold you greedy little bastard!
745) If you're in a horror movie, keep an eye on the time! The further into the movie you are, the more heavy and peculiar weapons you'll need to kill stuff. This is even more true for sequels, so if you happen to spot a "2", "3" or higher number at the pretitles, search immediately for complicated high-power electrical appliances, large machinery or a B.F.G.
746) Make friends with a puppet named Jester.
747) Don't let the paranoid army guy, who is suffering from cabin fever, carry the nuclear war-head.
748) If given a chance to join the bad guys, do it. It'll save a lot of trouble later.
749) If you ever go on a trip to your friends cabin, and discover a RED chainsaw then run. Do not run upstairs or out in the woods. Instead, just tell your friend your going for pizza, get in the car (which won't start at once, not until before your friend comes screaming out the door with the RED chainsaw) and drive off, maybe out of the state. But it must be a RED chainsaw, this means that your friend is a lunatic. If the chainsaw is for example yellow or brown it doesn't matter.
750) Stay away from RED objects, such as RED chainsaw or RED clothing's that are currently being possessed by ancient demons from the underneath.
751) Expose yourself to creepy crawlies early in life so when you find the decapitated body writhing with maggots, you don't scream and attract unwanted attention.
752) Nothing ever good has come after the following phrases have been said:
oLet's play. oNow just calm down. oDid you hear/feel/smell that? oWhat could go wrong? oI'll just be a minute. oWhat's this? oI've got a bad feeling about this. oI don't see anything (Usually cut off by a blood curdling scream, or just cut off usually when the person head separates from his body) oGive me a break! oYour kidding right? oThis can't be happening! oReady or not, here I come. (If this phrase is said during a game of hide and seek... forget it. It is not part of the game you were originally playing)
753) Sure, hiding in that dark closet may have seemed like a good idea at the time, and hey, the killer/monster walked by you right? *BUZZ* Wrong! If you hear the foot steps stop or the beast walks out of the viewing range of that little crack you are staring out of... well, at least hope the monster chokes on you or you dull the blade of the ax wielding maniac. You don't want your death to only be significant in the book of stupidity.
754) Never go to sleep because when you do you dream and monsters can be in dreams.
755) Fog is not romantic.
756) If you are a woman , NEVER casually mention something like, "I have this horrible fear of water/asphyxiation/spiders/dead things/eyeballs". The villain will bring these up in abundance in your next dream sequence.
757) If you are a woman and in the last day your gay roommate has been grimly murdered by a blonde British man , and a burly Irish man shows up from the 1600's , run like hell and phone the cops somewhere other than your home.
758) Don't be the rich kid who goes off to Rome right in the beginning of the picture. Your head will almost certainly be mailed back home.
759) Never wear clothes that show your navel or too much cleavage.
760) When the villain has you cornered, sit down and busy your head in your hands. Within seconds your heroic boyfriend/girlfriend will magically appear to rescue you.
761) Never work out in the school gym anytime after 5 P.M. or on the weekends.
762) Try to refrain from being the oddball. You will probably be killed in a strange , nearly comical manner.
763) Don't collect dolls, knives, Nazi memorabilia, diaries of dead people or mirrors.
764) Move out of your house if you own a garbage disposal, Jacuzzi ,heavy grandfather clock ,or a bunch of stuff in the attic that the last owners left behind.
765) If you had a bad childhood (especially at home), kill yourself now. It's a lot better than dying via the tortures your parents put upon you.
766) Don't bother running away from that tall, pale dude with the pins sticking out of his head. The farther you run, the worse your encounter with him will be.
767) Jobs to avoid: Video store clerk, Minister, day-care worker, janitor, pet store owner , garbage man (people put bad things in their garbage), taxidermist, or anything that deals with large masses of small children.
768) If that guy from L.A. Law shows up in your town, understand that he is no longer retarded! And under no circumstances should you open your mouth when he tells you to if you have the option of kicking him down the stairs.
769) That cute blonde guy who just showed up at your fashion show to take a Runic stone is NOT the right guy to follow to the top of a building.
770) Don't pursue a career in modeling , prostitution , or acting.
771) If you have something the bad guy wants and you aren't the main character, give it to him immediately. You will die quicker than, say, being hacked to pieces with a dull axe.
772) The bad guy is never who you think it is.
773) If you go to a ballet camp in England and the first thing you see when you get there is a hanged body in a tree, go back home to Yankeeville.
774) If you're an actress and having weird experiences relating to that cheese-faced, weed-whacker handed killer you defeated in all your movies, try hanging out with the guy who played him in the films. He's safe because the bad guy can't kill him without killing himself.
775) When you hear on the radio that some mad scientist managed to make flying Piranha and they've escaped the lab , now is not the time to have a pool party.
776) If a big shark just killed your family , don't try to fly to the Bahamas because somehow the shark is going to swim faster than the plane can fly and end up waiting for you when you land.
777) If you're Native American and the film has ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEAD ANIMALS, you're guaranteed to end up impaled.
778) If all the machines in your town are going insane , now is probably NOT the best time to get a soda from the soda machine/see what household item do and do not microwave/wash or dry any clothing/fix the TV.
779) If a big hole appears in your backyard , don't bury Fido in it just minutes before enacting a Satanic ritual.
780) If you go to a town in Maine which apparently doesn't exist in order to find a missing author whose books make people go homicidal, and your Hotel of choice comes complete with an old lady who keeps her husband handcuffed to her ankle, leave well enough alone and go home.
781) That guy who you think is there to save you is only there to block your other exit.
782) When running through the forest/mudslide/ravine/gravel road, try to avoid wearing six inch stiletto heals.
783) Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They will just go psycho and start killing everybody who ever humiliated him.
784) Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They will just go psycho and start killing everybody who ever humiliated him.
786) Slasher killers (Jason, Michael, etc) always attack during some holiday (Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentines day, Graduation Day, etc).
787) Places to avoid: Haddonfield, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Amity Island, Amityville, Michigan, Texas, Maine, England, Elm Street, High School, Mines, The Natural History Museum, Chicago Sewers, and Sleepaway Camp.
788) If you are a hunter kiss your butt goodbye because you will always die.
789) Bullets don't work.
790) Computer defense systems always fail.
791) If small animated puppets try to attack you , tell them their names and offer to shake their hand. They'll be too happy to kill you.
792) Leave your abusive, alcoholic husband BEFORE he tells you he's the new caretaker to a bit hotel and your son starts chanting "Redrum" in a weird voice.
793) NEVER look under the bed, but always check under there somehow. I recommend sawing off the legs and letting the thing come crashing down upon the monster.
794) If this morning your house was occupied by dead spirits and your daughter disappeared into the walls , now is not the time to color your hair.
795) Always carry clever, pocket-sized weapons in your jeans (Hand-held mirror, exacto knife, sealed vials of acid , etc...)
796) Don't tell the villain, "I want to know your pain." That's just asking for it right in the face.
797) No matter how many times you run over something with your car it will not die.
798) Children should not play with dead things.
799) Children do not die in horror movies as a rule but if you are one avoid swimming in any body of water (Piranha, Jaws, The Dark Age, Alligator, etc..). Monsters eat kids in the water.
801) Be aware where the chainsaw is kept, it may save your life.
802) Holy weapons only work against Vampires, do not try it against Cenobites.
803) If there is a rash of child murders and your daughter is acting a little weird it is her!
807) If you enter a dark house and find your best friends in the upstairs bedroom slashed to pieces, do not scream and back into a corner next to pitch dark room.
808) When hiking do not whine and carry on and act like a wimp. This will only attract birds that come and kill you for no apparent reason.
811) Do not talk about a dream you had in which it rained blood.
813) Dolls are evil. Destroy one if you see one.
815) Cars from the 1950s are no good. If your friend refuses to part with his kill him.
819) If your house is nicknamed "Hell House", move away.
821) Remember to wear 3-D glasses to bed.
823) If a young girl is afraid of "water things" at camp, do not take part in the regatta.
824) Do not drive a car with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for repairs.
825) If you're female, and nothing has happened to you yet, and you feel you're in danger of the monster getting you next, ignore the first sound you hear. It's never the monster. It's the phone, doorbell, cat down the street, or something just as innocuous.
832) If an old, bald man, with a goatee and a trenchcoat comes to your town saying "The evil is coming" and it is almost October 31, move away fast.
836) If you find yourself in a boxing match with Jason Voorhees and your punches seam ineffective NEVER tell him to try his best shot or he will be slam dunking your head in a trash can.
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