TIPS PAGE 2 #191-381



191) When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!

192) Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!

193) When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyeballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.

194) If ANYONE says they are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.

195) If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead.

196) If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.

197) When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!

198) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him in your dream.

199) Never go mono-a-mono vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

200) Never be funnier than the main character.

201) Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

202) NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

203) NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

204) Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

205) When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

206) If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

207) Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

208) Never walk backwards!

209) If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

210) Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

211) If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.

212) Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.

213) If, at any point, you are running from a monster/villan in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. zig zag, run off the road, do a U-turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up.

214) Don't ever repeat the words someone tells you wrong. Then for sure you'll have the monsters after you. And if that happens fight like there's no tomorrow. And if all else fails RUN LIKE HELL!!

215) If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a hatchet/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

216) Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villan. (i.e.: Predator 2) He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.

217) When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in a horror film, right?) always send your little brother/sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hiding under the steps.

218) If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed. (i.e.: My Bloody Valentine.)

219) Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable.

220) If your running desperately away from a big boogie monster in the woods. A) He's going to pop up on front of you B) Your going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something cleaves your head from your shoulders...Your going to die anyhow, so why not try running backwards.

221) If the Damn power suddenly shuts off. Don't go try to fix the generator.

222) Learn Karate, Well...at least no ones tried to roundkick Jason yet...

223) Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.

224) If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instance you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.

225) If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy.

226) If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... Its a trick, just kill them.

227) Kill everyone you see. If one is possessed, assume all are possessed. Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyway. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you.

228) Don't stay at Farmer Vincent's Motel.

229) Don't buy Farmer Vincent's meats.

230) Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people make out. they are always the first to go.

231) Don't trust anyone with the name of Voorhees.

232) No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping in the lake.

233) When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are dead.

234) If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

235) If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stay near the door!

236) Never buy your kids a toy that talks back.

237) Keep careful track of the number of times you say the magic word that evokes the evil spirit.

238) NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

239) Do not incorporate the magic word that invokes the evil spirit into a catchy tune.

240) Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.

241) If you're a zero in real life, you'll be a hero in your dreams.

242) Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver".

243) When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

244) If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.

245) Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come.

246) If somebody tells you he's from the future, believe him unquestionably.

247) Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.

248) Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.

249) Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.

250) Follow all care instruction of strange animals to the letter.

251) If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

252) Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.

253) After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!

254) In archeology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.

255) Never trust a robot.

256) Don't succumb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood.

257) If the cross in your local church is upside-down, bleeding or otherwise mutilated, find the nearest exit.

258) Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggravation in the long run.

259) Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.

260) If you see a clown walking the streets of your town, stay away from the sewers.

261) If you are at a pool party and a man with blades on his fingers shows up and starts killing people, don't try to comfort or calm him down, just run.

262) Sudden extreme changes in temperature usually causes things to explode.

263) If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS!

264) If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

265) Never, EVER, tell anyone where you keep your Mojo.

266) Don't open the door.

267) The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

268) Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)

269) Never allow yourself to be hurt. You will inevitably go off by yourself to sulk.

270) The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it.

271) Never buy ANYTHING in an old burial ground.

272) If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain.

273) Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go.

274) Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".

275) Never look closely at any dark space after hearing or seeing anything strange.

276) Curiosity kills.

277) Don't take off any clothes.

278) If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave.

279) If you see a book entitled "How to Serve Man" don't board the alien spaceship.

280) Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't believe you anyway.

281) Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.

282) Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

283) If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyway, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.

284) If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from below you.

285) If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens.

286) Never pretend to be the/a local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.

287) If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die.

288) If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.

289) Never, EVER feed the strange animal that your father bought for you in China Town, after midnight.

290) The monster is never dead until everyone else is!

291) If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.

292) If you are dealing with demons, don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets possessed.

293) If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, then listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who think she knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs.

294) If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.

295) If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.

296) When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him.

297) When you hear scary music run the other direction!

298) Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

299) If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it.

300) If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.

301) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.

302) If any man or monster is pursuing you with a weapon, run screaming blindly through the woods and hope to God the creature is deaf.

303) If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately.

304) Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanent psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you.

305) Never wear a badge. You will defiantly die within ten minutes.

306) Choose your friends and relatives wisely. Good choices: chaste teenage girls, any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above), good dogs, younger assistants to world-famous scientists. Bad choices: security guards, law-enforcement and other municipal officials, teachers/professors, executives of companies with questionable environmental/scientific practices, psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology, obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls, and of course promiscuous teenage girls.

307) No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it, it can appear in any part of town, no matter how big the town is.

308) If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.

309) If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.

310) Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...

311) If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.

312) If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't go cause as soon as you'll cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolish by an evil spirit.

313) If someone screams "None of you know what's really going on 'round here" then listen to them.

314) If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.

315) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

316) It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.

317) The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die.

318) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.

319) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.

320) When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.

321) Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.

322) Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price.

323) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed.

324) Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal.

325) If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance your flybait!

326) Try to avoid going into fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins

327) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!

328) Don't go burying your dead pets in foreign cemeteries, because if it didn't work for the Creeds, it sure as hell won't work for you.

329) If an Irish midget is chasing you around and is rambling something about his gold, be a good man and give the guy his damn coin, because, though it may protect you from bodily harm, the midget may just kill your friends and family instead, so give him his coin and everyone will be happy.

330) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.

331) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it.

332) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you, and the Grim Reaper will hand you your one-way ticket to the realm beyond.

333) Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...

334) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as fast as possible.

335) If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating zombies. And there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them then you. But if the zombies come after you (like in Night of the Living Dead) shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them. Don't go back for a friend if he's bitten, he's a goner.

336) Never, ever, use a oujia board alone!! If you do use a board by yourself, DO NOT use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.

337) Never, never, never go by yourself to investigate a strange noise coming from the: basement, attic, or any dark room without a full company of the National Guard

338) If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

339) If you can't drive a moped, don't try; otherwise, you might find yourself in a Robert Englund film.

340) If you have friends who had the same bad dream as you expect them all to die. Also if your mom shows you a glove with knives for fingers, proceed to kill the guy who owned those before his death. Then just don't come back for the 3rd movie in the series, he will get you.

341) If you were ever in anyway related to anyone named Myers, avoid Smith's Grove, Haddonfield, IL, men in black with tattoos of Norse runes on their wrist, and guys named Michael with a white mask on. Also if you run into the guy named Michael and "kill him" he will get back almost as soon as you let your guard down.

342) If you end up in a town with no kids and crazy adults don't drive a van, don't go to any houses on Elm street and fall asleep, and don't trust people wearing Red and green stripes or bladed gloves, they really are burned up killers.

343) If you happen upon small New Jersey towns with lake or forest in the name avoid the wilderness, avoid the lake, avoid camps of any kind. Stay in the main part of town and always believe people named "Crazy Ralph" or who carry eyeballs, or who are a deck hand, and always people who call the aforementioned camps "Camp Blood". Especially on Friday the 13th.

344) When entering a room, close the door, as it will close by it self if you don't and some monster will enter through another door. Of course, destroying the door would be the best option.

345) When something dead and rotten starts to move towards you with the intention to eat you, run like hell. Don't stay around to see how fast they move...

346) If someone you know looks pale and has the urge to eat your brain, don't let them. This will cause some nasty side effects.

347) When you hear someone cutting lumber in the middle of Texas in the middle of the night, don't stay to see what kind of chainsaw they use.

348) Remember, you don't find your friends quicker if you split up.

349) Sex in haunted houses may be kinky but not safe.

350) When you think "this place is spooky" it probably is.

351) If you find out that any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft, by no means should you EVER: a) move into his old house, b) study any of his experiments or works, c) dig up his grave, d) not immediately burn your family tree and any record of his existence; or he will invariably possess you, kill you, and take over your persona!

352) If your roommate at med. school develops a reagent for re-animating the dead immediately drop out! Pursue a career in fast food-- anything, but by all means never, EVER, lock yourselves in a basement/morgue/vault when you test it on a dead body. Refrain from testing it on more than one body at a time and DO NOT let failed experiments escape!

353) If you permit failed re-animation experiments to escape (by disregarding the previous tip) they will undoubtedly group together and come after you with tools!

354) If you absolutely must experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to create the perfect woman from various womanly parts and by no means should you give her the heart of your dead girlfriend with hopes of having her back! In this instance it is much better to have loved and lost and forgotten about the whole mess...

355) If your mother has recently been bitten by a rat monkey and has just eaten your girlfriends dog, SHOOT HER!

356) If your daughter, son, or any acquaintance of yours pukes pea soup in your face when you say "hello!", that person is possessed, and should be dealt with in an appropriate manner!

357) If your hand becomes possessed, and you do manage to cut it off before it kills you, throw it in the microwave for a half hour, don't put it in a waste basket, as it will break free, probably give you the finger, run inside your walls, and kill the prodigy child before she can send the demons back to hell, the forest or wherever they came from!

358) If you have a Krite problem, let the bounty hunters blow them up, as they will only eat every ounce of flesh on your body and do obscene things with your skeletal remains if you don't!

359) Don't worry if people shun you for some hobby of yours, 'cause it'll come in handy later on.

360) Destroy your closet, and saw the legs of your beds, that way, the monsters can only come after you via doors and windows.

361) If you are a rotten, spoiled, stuck-up little kid who "doesn't believe in monsters" expect to believe by the end of the movie. In fact, you will be made to believe in a terrifying experience when you see the monster.

362) If you are the best friend of the star of the movie, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY or expect to be killed and/or taken over by the monster/demon to be used as bait.

363) If you seem to have "psychic" abilities and you and your family are taking care of a very old hotel in the dead of winter, and your father starts acting weird, don't "call" your friend, JUST LEAVE! Do NOT depend on the caretaker of the hotel to help you because he will be intercepted by your possessed father.

364) Clowns are bad. They are NOT funny and nice! If you continue to see a clown over and over again, DO NOT approach it or your parents. Your parents won't believe you and the clown will be prompted to action. Just run away, far away.

365) If you happen to like the paranormal and have spent your entire life dedicated to finding a certain ghost/monster/relic/demon, expect to die a horrible death after facing your goal. You will die because the writers figured you have no life and the audience won't like you.

366) If you are the mean "popular" boy at school or the stuck up snob cheerleader when strange happenings begin to occur, do not expect to live long. People want the sleazy to die.

367) Grumpy, cranky old men have a 50/50 chance of survival. Either you will be violently put out of your misery or you will redeem yourself by coming to your senses in the last 10 minutes of the movie to help stop the monster.

368) If you are the sheriff's daughter, DO NOT form an emotional bond with your father and leave town as fast as you can. You will be the target of the monster and your father will die and eventually used as bait against you.

369) If a meteor crash lands nearby, please do not go and "check it out" especially if you are a drunken, horny teenager. Something oily and seethy will take care of you.

370) If a slow-walking villain (who never runs) is chasing you outside, DON'T run into a house where you lose your advantage! Stay outside and run down the middle of the street, not on the sidewalk next to the dark, shadowy bushes where he can jump out and get you!

371) If you are a smart, shy girl and a villain is going around killing your louder, wilder friends, don't go over and investigate if you get a strange garbled telephone message from your friend. You will meet the villain.

372) Don't bother asking the monster, "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" because its just a waste of time. If you can't kill it by emptying your shotgun into it, it'll take something/someone holy to do it.

373) Don't become an evil scientist. You will be killed by your creation when it goes awry.

374) If your town includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine, has a large, rabid St. Bernard, resides in an old, haunted hotel near a Pet Cemetery, and hangs out with girls with telekinetic powers and old, strange men who manipulate your fellow townspeople. . .you're pretty much screwed.

375) If you are a rich successful jerk, don't expect to live very long.

376) If you live in a town with a horror author whose character accidentally comes alive, run like hell.

377) If a nice girl you've been attracted to comes to your 3rd story window in the middle of the night and she asks you to open it, as much as you might want to, DO NOT and grab your crucifix.

378) If two well known horror villains escape around the same time, don't expect anything good to come of it.

379) Don't investigate anything! It won't do any good!

380) Don't worry about no respect just because you're a coward... you'll be the only one alive.

381) Beetlejuice is NOT "the ghost with the most".


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