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January 11, 2001
Today I didn't cut so it was a good day. I am depressed and not taking my medication. The main thing that I have been thinking about all day is that I have to go to therapy tomorrow. And how hard it is going to be to leave the house. I am afraid I will Panic. And with a panic attack I always cut. Tomorrow my Therapist whom I will refer to here as Janie will give me my medication for the week. See I have a habit of overdosing so they will only give me a week of medication at a time. I will have to flush this weeks medication so that her and my husband won't know that I haven't been taking it.
Was having a lot of disassociation last night. God how upside down the world is in disassociation. Thought I would describe what it is like for me. You ever seen a house after a fire. How the walls look you know the paint slightly pealing back. And the black swirls. The world is pitch black nothingness.And there's this humm like it comes from the deepest darkest part of hell it's like the bowls of hell calling out. You feel as if hell itself is drawing you in. You feel like you are on the very edge of life and death. You are floating. You can see your body but you aren't a part of it. Your body is performing what you want it to do. but you aren't doing it. I hate disassociation. I want it to stop. Why can't they make it stop. I have been more disassociated this week than normal. It is taking me over.
I am going insane.
Therapy went okay. Told Janie I wasn't taking my meds I just can't seem to lie to her. I promised I would take them. So I have to try to. She asked if I cut, even though I had on long sleeves I told her I did. Guess you have to be honest in therapy or it won't help you. She wants me to work on my trust issues. To help with that she has promised to call me every day next week. Can I trust her to do that? I just dont' know. She has let me down so many times.Just last Thursday I was having a particualry bad night was cutting and cutting and couldn't stop. So I was talking on line to some friends they convinced me to call her so I did. It was 5:00am. So I beeped her twice and she didn't answer. I left a message at her office and went in and cut my legs up pretty messy night. Don't know how many times I cut too many to count.She did eventually call me back by then I had a razor on my wrist.She had me come in and see her which I was glad for. I was so mad at her for not answering my beeps that I didn't tell her I had cut. Wanted to go home and cut more. To punish myself for not telling. Why do I do that? I can't say I was completly honest with her. She asked if I wanted to hurt myself and I said I didn't but I do. I am depressed and suicidal right now. Can't tell anyone. Don't know if I will do anything. Hell I don't have the meds to od on so the only option I have is cutting my wrist and not to sure if I am up to it. My prefered method is to od, wonder why that is if I am a cutter huh?
Odd aren't I?
It's 3:16 am here and I am wanting to cut so bad. I have my razor out. Getting a washcloth for the blood. I am so depressed. Husband is wanting me to come to bed I can't I am afraid. I am disassociating. Afraid to go to bed. I got to cut. It will all go away. God why do I do this? I hurt so bad, want to go away. Crying. Watching the blood. Let it come. I will feel better soon. It doesn't hurt.Why doesn't it hurt me? Cut deeper, it will hurt. Deeper I feel it more but still doesn't hurt. Not disassociating any more. The deeper cut did it. Have I found a cure? Still depressed. Want to die. Take the pills? Got to hurt. Feeling somewhat better. Still bleeding. Not enough though.
Want to cover the wash cloth in blood.
No it's enough for now.
Very depressed today, getting worse daily. I know if i cut I will feel better. Fighting the urge. Just lazed around the house all day. Sleeping, and chatting a bit. Don't feel like doing anything at all. Don't care about anything at all. Friend came over tonight, was glad to see her but didn't really care. Don't care about anything. Had nightmares last night. Memories of my past. Couldn't sleep, tossed and turned all night. Woke up a lot, scared. Thought the it was happening then. I would go back to sleep only to dream the same again. Why won't they go away? Think the only way to make them go away is to end life. I can't live like this anymore. It is just too much. When will it end. Why has my life been so screwed up? How can God let all this happen to one person?
Janie did call. I was surprised. She said she saw my website and liked it. Wonder what she really thought. I just don't trust anyone I guess. Too depressed today to do anything. Didn't even shower. Have spent all day here at the keyboard.But I didn't cut so that is a good thing. Not for lack of wanting to that's for sure. Just don't even care about that either.
Guess today was okay. Didn't cut but I want to real, real bad. Friend was here all day so no time alone. Very depressed. Almost have enough meds saved now. Don't know when I will do it. The time has to be just right.Want to stay up till husband falls asleep and cut. I really need to.
Maybe I will get up later and do it. The need is just so damn bad.
Bad day today. Depressed, very very depressed. All I could think about was cutting. I want to feel better. I have the pills now, I could just take them it would all be over. I want it to end. I want to feel better. Janie called and I told her I was depressed. She talked about cutting a bit and gave me some websites to look up. I did, I had already seen all but one of them lol.She had me call her back before she left for the day, I didn't feel any better. And I still don't. Husband is asleep, I could cut right now and no one know till tomorrow afternoon. But I promised Janie I would try not to.
So how long will I be able to hold off? Damn this is killing me.
Today was so so. At therapy Friday Janie said she will continue to call me everyday. But there is a catch. she will stop calling me the day I cut. Think that sounds like a punishment don't you? Hey I'll be your friend as long as you do as I say. That is how it feels. We talked a little about cutting. And why I do, how it makes me feel. I don't have such a bad urge today. Have thought about it. But not too much. Yesterday I did a lot. Today was pretty quiet.
Not wanting to go to bed again tonight. Afraid of the dreams.
Today was uneventful. Spent the day playing online and visiting with hubby. Still very depressed, wondering how to feel better. Taking medication like I'm supposed to, so that is good. Wondering if Janie will remember to call tomorrrow. Haven't cut today. Not even thinking about it right now. That is a good thing. Haven't had disassociation today either. For that I am thankfull. So I guess except for the depression you can say I have had a good day. I can't say that very often.
Not a very good day. Been wanting to cut all day. Janie called and I told her I was depressed she didn't seem too worried about it. All she could worry about is her doing a web page and asking if I would help. Of course I will help. But help me PLEASE! Why wasn't she concerned about how I feel? And then Kevin is so worried about me going to bed at the same time he does he doesn't even care that the reason why I really want to stay up is to cut. I told him I wanted to stay up and watch Jerry Springer. Which I am doing putting off cutting trying not to. But I want to so bad. Talked to Theresa online tonight, told her how bad I want to cut. She told me to tell Kevin and I had already. But he only said it was good that I hadn't cut today. I guess I am glad that he recognizes that. I am not going to cut tonight. I am not. I can't do this anymore. I am tired of the looks that people give me. But I need the relieve it gives. How can I feel the relief without cutting? Haven't disassociated today either. That is doing good these last few days. I really need to cut though
I really need to.
I broke down and cut on the 23rd. Janie called and I told her I wanted to so bad. She had me write and write until I felt better. Thing is after four pages I cut. She called right after I cut and asked how I was feeling and asked if I cut and I told her I did. She said she wouldn't be calling everyday, just as she said. I knew this and thought about it as I cut. Went to see her yesterday. She is making a calendar and going to keep track of my bad days and the days I cut. This is supposed to help. I don't know how but maybe it will show a pattern or something. She has read some of my journal here and likes my work. It is just how I feel, it is truthfull.
Toay was not so good. Lots of anxiety and lots of disassociation. I know if I cut the disassociation will go away; but I promised to try not to. This is so hard. I want to cut so damn bad. I don't know if I can go on like this much longer. The nightmares are getting to me too. I am having them every night again. He is doing it to me over and over in the dream. I can't live like this anymore. Please God make it stop. How can anyone expect me to put up with this. I know if I take the pills it will all be over with. No more nightmares no more past to deal with. No more of anything.
I just want to die God why won't you let me????????
Today was terrible Helen wasn't here all day. I was alone all day. Left alone with the razor staring me in the face all day. Don't know how I stopped myself, but I did. Looking at the bottle of pills I have. I know I can take them any time I want to. I can take them then fall asleep and it will all be over with. If I do it before I go to bed then no one will know I will just fall asleep. Kevin will go to work the next day and by the time he comes home I will be dead. Don't know why hurting myself is so appleaing to me but it is. For now I just want to die. I woke up last night from a nightmare and had throw up in my mouth. I remember it very well. He was making me do things again. I hate dreaming about him. I can't take this much longer. It has to stop. Had some disassociation today though not as bad as yesterday. I want to cut to feel better to feel alive, to want to live. How would that make me want to live? I don't know. I just want to feel something. I feel like a zombie or something. I just found out tonight that social security re-evaluates you after 3 years and that scares me. What if I loose my social security what will I do? I can't work. If I could I would be working right now. I can earn a hell of a lot more than they pay me. I can barely leave my home right now. I don't know what will happen to me now. That is scarring me. It was hard to get it in the first place now what will they do to me? I can't worry about that now I guess. I will talk to Janie about that soon. I guess I won't worry till I get the letter that they are doing it to me. I painted my finger nails and toe nails trying to feel better oh and I shaved my legs too, haven't done that in a month. Don't think any of it helped. Hey at least I am trying. Janie suggested to get make up and stuff and so I am trying to do little things to feel better. Bet I would feel better if I got this house cleaned up some more huh? But I think about it and want to do it, then I just can't get in the mood to do it. All I do is get online or read or lay about. I lay about a lot. Too much I'd say. Am I depressed or just plain lazy? I don't know for sure. I keep the kitchen very clean after all we eat there and it has to be clean but I stop there. Oh well I guess I'll go to bed, put the pills and the razor away till tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day.
Today was terrible. I had urge to cut all day. I gave in around 1:00 and called Janie. She was on her way out and didn't offer much help. She said to write and to call her later if I needed her. So I have been writing ever since, it is almost midnight now. I gave up about 5pm and cut my leg. Then around 10pm I started on my left arm. Still not over the need to cut yet so I will do more I am sure. I feel better but not like I have it all out you know. Don't know where I will stop. Only cut up one leg and one arm and the night is young as they say. Husband will be calling me soon to come to bed though. Don't know what I will do about that. Fell like I could take a whole bottle of pills too. I just feel awfull. I want my life over, I want all this to end NOW! I have been through too much. Every day there is something else wrong. More bill collectors calling. Something else on the house needing to be fixed. Husband is upset about something else. There is just so much wrong with my life.
Nothing ever goes right for me. NOTHING EVER.
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