A three-year old was putting his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.
" He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

A three-year old went with her dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, she breathlessly informed her mother there
were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"how did you know?" her mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," she replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10,
who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that,
if any mischief occurred in their town,
their sons were probably involved.

This is Willi, Our Cat

Willi likes to take a bath
but not this way

Cat Bath

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo
to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you
carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the
toilet and close both lids (you may need to
stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his claws will be
reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a powerwash and rinse
which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside
and ensure that there are no people between
the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,
and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet,
and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

I really like this one
Thank you Uncle Tim

A women gets home,
screeches her car into the the driveway,
runs into the house,
slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags.
I won the lottery!"

The husband says,
"Wow?! What should I pack,
beach stuff or moutain stuff?"

The wife yells back,...
"It doesn't matter...
just get the h--- out!"

This sounds like my son Garrett
Thank you Mack

" I'm Sick And I Cannot Go To School Today "

"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
And there's one more ... that's seventeen!
And don't you think ... my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.

My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my spine is weak.
I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent - my spine ain't straight.
My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
... WHAT?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is ... Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
Author unknown

Church Humor~~