"The way he plays chess demonstrates a man's whole nature."
                                                                           ~Stanley Ellin       

Attitude Check #8--Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will never hurt me.               
                                       -Old Scottish nursery rhyme

“Pete, there’s a hand up,” my assistant director told me, and my eyes swept across the tournament hall.   On approaching the table at issue, I recognized the players. The fifth grade boy was a strong player, though notoriously rather obnoxious.  He had been expected to do well at this event.  However, his opponent's performance had been surprising.  She was a second grader who had so far managed two wins and a draw, all against older opponents.

The girl's hand was in the air, and as I approached the board I glimpsed the firey glare in her eyes.  Clearly something upsetting had happened.  “What’s the problem?” I asked, bending over the board.

“He started...” she paused a moment, then went on.  “He started calling me names as soon as I sat down.”

“I was just teasing her,” the boy said in a defiant tone.  Earlier in the tournament there had been a similar problem with this same boy, involving both language and behavior.  It was looking like more of the same.

The girl was clearly upset, though holding herself together, while the boy seemed to have the attitude that a mountain was being made out of a molehill.  “What did he say?” I asked her.

“He told me, 'Are you going to start crying now, little girl?  Because I’m going to beat you to a pulp and send you crying home to your mommy, so you might as well start now.'"  The girl glanced angrily at the boy.

“I was just teasing,” the boy said.  “You know, just some trash talking to get her off her game.”  Clearly he thought what he had done was fine, despite previous warnings.

“What did you do?”  I asked the girl.  She told me she hadn’t said anything to the boy, just raised her hand as I had asked players to do during the pretournament meeting.  This young girl had handled herself well in a tough situation, and I was proud of her.

Although the two players were in agreement as to what had happened, I also spoke with both a parent and a coach who had witnessed the whole encounter.  Neither one of them was related to or worked with either player, and both of them substantiated the facts.  I took a brief moment to consider my decision, and then forfeited the game in the girl’s favor.  I didn't go so far as to expell the boy from the tournament, though such a decision would have been well within my authority.

Was I too harsh?  Over the years I’ve made a number of decisions as a tournament director which I’ve later second guessed.  However, this isn't one of them.  

We live in a world where trash talking is sadly not just tolerated, it is celebrated.  Though high-profile athletes, stand-up comedians and popular sitcoms make a specialty out of verbally tearing others down, this doesn’t make it acceptable.  Despite the 'sticks and stones' nursery rhyme, name-calling and putting others down is hurtful and can even leave behind long-lasting damage to a person's self-esteem.  This is especially true among children, who are more vulnerable than adults.  Whether blatant trash talking or the 'witty' rejoinder, cutting remarks represent one person’s attempt to essentially 'walk over' another person or a group of people.  The perpetrator may be attempting to elicit a knee-jerk snicker from observers, or perhaps gain a feeling of superiority.  In the example above, the boy's stated goal was to gain a competitive edge.  But no matter the excuse for putting someone else down, it doesn't justify the pain and humiliation inflicted.  

Some may accuse me of being a bleeding heart on this, arguing that kids just need to 'toughen up' and learn to take it.  I disagree.  The world doesn't need more callousness.  True, life is unquestionably hard, and inner strength and resolve (two primary qualities which chess teaches) are necessary ingredients for success.  However, situational opportunities for learning these lessons manifest themselves every day in many ways, without the requirement of verbal assaults.    

Here are a couple more reasons why trash talking is a bad idea:

1)  Name calling in any form not only betrays a lack of proper respect for one's opponent, it also sets up the name caller to make of fool of himself/herself.  Most of my students have heard the story of “Pete and the cocky eighth-grader," in which I played an opponent who hurled insults at me (a lowly seventh-grader at the time) shortly before I crushed him at the board, when he walked into a standard opening trap.  I’m sure one of the factors contributing to his downfall was the fact that he believed his own trash talking enough that he didn't consider my moves nearly as seriously as he should have. 

2)  Trash talking also betrays a lack of respect for oneself.  It sends the message, “I don't believe I'm strong enough to beat you straight up in a head-to-head fair fight, so I'm going to try to psyche you out with my words in order to throw you off balance.”  Even if the initial assumption is an accurate one, that’s not a message I ever want to send my opponent.  Instead, simply keep your chin up, fight your hardest, and refuse to stoop to belittling your opponent. 

Remember, the character of a person becomes most prominent when they are facing tough challenges, such as during a chess tournament.  Always choose the high road and resist unsportsmanlike behavior.  We each must do our part to make this the kind of world we all want to live in, guided by the Golden Rule:

"Do for others what you would like them to do for you.  This is a summary
of all that is taught in the Law and the Prophets."  (Matthew 7:12, NLT)

Note:  The most fundamental and strictly enforced Chess Odyssey club rule
                 is NO TRASH TALKING.  Our clubs foster long-term fun, excitement and
              learning, partly through keeping the environment as emotionally safe as
possible for all involved.                                                       

-Attitude Check #7 --Regaining Your Courage            
-Attitude Check #6 --A Matter of Heart                     
-Attitude Check #5 --The Fourth Freedom                  
-Attitude Check #4 --The Third Freedom                   
   -Attitude Check #3 --The Second Freedom                    
-Attitude Check #2 --The First of the Four Freedoms 
-Attitude Check #1 --The Four Freedoms                    

© 2002-2004 Pete Prochaska. All rights reserved.

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