Project: Power

Let's face it. Our world is in trouble. I'm not talking about about anthrax or World War III either. I'm talking about evil underground monsters and menacing super-villains with their sky castles and volcano bases. We have our fair share of superheros, but lately they just haven't been doing the job. I see ninjas attacking ladies in the streets on a daily basis. Some people say this is the halucinogenic drugs I've been on, but I say it's just evil, and it is running rampant. I've decided that the best course of action against these monsters is a new superhero. I've taken some of these greatest men and machines of our day and placed them together to make a super-being more powerful than anything we have ever known.

To give our super-hero a basic structure. I will bring in Superman. Up until my creation was completed there was no superhero in the entire multiverse that could match the Man of Steel. So, I dug him up from one of his multiple graves and used my Frankenstein machine to bring him to life. Then I dissected him with a kryptonite scalpel and put back together a basic shell for our new hero. Sadly, Superman was an idiot. Let's face it, if you tied the guy up, he would forget he had laser vision, and his biggest skill was flying around stuff really fast. He's lacking some major wits...

However, the first quality of a true hero is a good heart. The hero must be strong and dedicated but must also be willing to smile and make people smile. This is why no one ever liked Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was just too serious. That and the fact that he wore skin-tight pants, did the splits a lot and had a mullet. God, I hated that mullet. Man, sorry, God I hated that... man... It's a good thing he's dead, there are too many action hero wannabes as it is. No, we need someone better than that. Somone not... from Belgium. Therefore I have brought in a man who knows no fear, and has probably never even been to Belgium. This man took a cave-man under his wing and he also blew up a Libyan army base with the help of David Allen Grier. He was still able to make us laugh through it all. I think you know who I am talking about....

Of course!! It's Pauly Shore. There isn't a person in the world who could give charm and quick wits to our superhero like he could. It's too bad he's dead, though. We will just have to clone him for our purposes. Boy I love his movies.

The one problem with Pauly Shore is his frail human skin. Knives and guns can take out Pauly Shore just like any other human being. Someone with an iron hide and a heart of steel and a chest that looks like a mack truck is needed to take care of the defensive side of the Eternal Protector. Now if you are older than fifteen then you know who the perfect machine would be for this. If you are younger than fifteen then you shouldn't be reading this site because I like to say words like "Fuck" a lot. Plus you always watched that stupid "Robo-Wars" shit that they tried to make. I don't want any pussy animals for my superhero. I want a fucking semi-truck that turns into a robotic man with a laser cannon attached to his arm. I want Optimus Prime!

Now, I know you are going to say that Megatron killed Prime but that's all a lie. That cunt could never really hurt Prime. Look at that beast, for Christ sakes! I don't care how many times you shoot him or kick him in the sin or throw dirt in his eyes. He is still going to fucking destroy you. Megatron still got his ass kicked and he cheated. Did I mention I hate cheaters? Optimus prime plus Pauly shore makes for a damn powerful superhero. We aren't finished yet though. Sure, our hero may be invincible, funny, and smart but we still need to make the man have some human qualities. Neither Prime nor Shore are human beings but we want our defender to understand what it feels like to be a scummy homosapien. Without sympathy, the new hero might just go on a power trip and try to squish us instead of protecting us. Not a good thing.

Now, I want you to pretend you don't see the picture above. Think to yourself, who is the most bad-ass'd person on the face of the planet who is still a human. Who are you thinking? Most likely you are thinking about Jet Li. We can't use him though. He may look like a human but he is a god. Too bad. Who is next? Rufio from "Hook"? Good call, but he played a gay kid who gets beat up a lot in some other movie. Can't use him. Bruce Willis! Now, you've got it! He is bald and he is still that damned cool looking? Pretty amazing, huh? Not a soul on this Earth could ever kill Bruce Willis. Don't give me any of that shit about Richard "Eats Penis" Gere beating him in "The Jackal" either. That was a fluke. Bruce got shot in the back by a woman. That's why woman are evil. They killed Bruce Willis. Then Ricky tried to take credit for it. I bet if they ever meet again Bruce will pull Richard's fingernails out. Hell yeah that man is bad ass. He killed an entire fucking city in "Last Man Standing". So now we have four beings as part of our new justice machine. For you math-type faggots, four is a perfect square so that means our super hero is perfect! PERFECT!!

So one more time. Here are the pawns:

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What do we get when we put them all together? We will figure that out in a minute. Now let us choose a name for our man. Look at the names of our pieces:

Superman  Pauly Shore  Optimus Prime  Bruce Willis

If we take parts of each name we should find a good mix. Try these ones:

Super  Opti  Shore  is

I think with that we can come up with a great name. So here it is...

The Hero