In my case, it has been screaming at me for almost ten years. I have run the gammet from "controlled bulimia" (in actuality a form of ED-NOS...purging normal amounts of food) to full-blown anorexia nervosa. There have been times when I have been able to drown out the "voice" and make healthy choices... other times I've broken down and submitted to the screaming and howling of the little demon. It used to be that even during my "submissive" times, the worst that happened was my bad knee would act up (due to muscle weakness), I'd lose a substantial but not life-threatening amount of weight, and would have very little energy for skating. About three years ago, however, this "obedience" to the eating disorder landed me in the hospital twice.
An eating disorder is NOT who you are, and as much as it may sometimes feel like it, it is NOT a part of you. The eating disorder is a completely separate entity, a foreign invader who, deep down, you want gone. It is a monster. A parasite. A virus. Albeit a very sneaky little virus...I've never heard of the common cold telling its host what a good thing it is doing for the host's body. But that doesn't mean we have to listen to it.
No one type of therapy or treatment is for everybody, but what has helped my continuing recovery has been a combination of working with one of my coaches (who also happens to be a nutritionist), individual therapy to get at some of the "underlying issues," and LOTS of support from friends and team mates. And, as I've said before, there was a point where hospitalization was warranted (both partial and inpatient). If you have any concerns about these types of treatments, or even if you just want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me. I'll be happy to do whatever I can to help.
[alarm goes off at four fifty a.m. TB groans]
RM: Who the heck told the body to set the alarm for five a.m.???
ED: I did. And it's four fifty, not five.
RM: Forget it, we're going back to sleep.
[TB rolls over and pulls covers over head]
ED: Oh, no you don't! We are getting up and we're skating the six a.m. session.
RM: Are you crazy??? We didn't fall asleep until almost one in the morning. There's no way we're going to be able to skate. And even if we can, we're not going to get anything accomplished, cuz the body is going to be too tired to be able to do skate properly.
ED: Who said we were going to skate to make progress? We need to EXERCISE. We're skating for two hours this morning!
RM: What??? We have an hour long session this afternoon. The body has a bad knee, remember? It's going to be sore if we skate that much.
ED: So tell it to pop a few Advil and ice it down afterward. We're going skating and that's final! We didn't go skating yesterday, remember?
RM: Ja, that's because we didn't have any money. And we don't this morning, either, so let's just forget about skating and GO BACK TO SLEEP.
ED: Ah, that's why I set the alarm ten minutes early. We're going to go to the A.T.M. at Jewel to GET some money to pay for the ice time, then we're going to the rink. Now, body, get up!
[TB rubs its eyes, goes to bathroom, gets dressed, etc.]
ED: There's a good body.
[TB goes to kitchen, starts to pour bowl of cereal]
ED: Ohhh, no you don't! We're going skating to LOSE weight. If you eat then you will get FAT.
RM: We're not gonna have energy to DO anything unless the body eats!
ED: [grumbles] Fine, then. Take a handful of cereal. A very SMALL handful.
[TB takes the tiniest bit of cereal and eats it. Then takes another handful]
ED: HEY! That's too much! Bad body! Ohhhh, I'm gonna make you feel guilty for this!
RM: This is insane. We should be in bed right now.
ED: Shut up! Body, hurry up, or we'll be late. If you miss even a MINUTE of that session, I'm making us all stay on the ice an extra half hour!
RM: What the heck are you talking about? And why are you making us skate two hours today, the session we missed yesterday was only forty-five minutes!
ED: Shut up, or I'll make the body skate an extra THREE hours!
RM: You're not making any sense!
ED: I'm the eating disorder. Who said I had to make any sense?
