2003 found me in a new job, with no vacation time I did not make it to the Gatherings, even though my heart now belonged to her.

2004

this journey began Friday October 22

I was sitting at home one day when my dad called to say that they had found my grandfather in a coma in his bathroom and he was not expected to live..  My grandfather was the one who molested me at the age of 13.  After it happened my life went into this huge spiral.. out of control..  At the age of 29, I was sent to a Catholic nun.  She had a ministry in forgiveness and had planted the seed of forgiveness within my soul.. I had forgiven him.. and as he got old, in the place where he should have exited, he had stayed.. I had thought that he was afraid to die, afraid of what his beliefs told him would happen when he passed over.. and so he stayed and regressed back to the mentality of of a 3 year old.. On the day my dad called to say my mom's dad had been found in a coma on the bathroom floor, with the slightest bit of sarcasm I thought, "I'll bet he's too scared to die."

As this is happening my time space line merged with another one.  I am an Indian maiden and I am sitting on my bed looking at an old wound on my arm with the slightest bit of sarcasm.  The man who did this to me is laying on a bed behind me, and I can tell he will be dieing shortly.  He has the look of death upon his body.  He is old and worn out

My mama is standing off to the side and I can feel her gaze penetrating my psyche as I look at the scar of the wound he placed upon me.  She tells me that it is now time to perform the Healing Remnants of Past Wounds Ceremony, for the healing of the tiny bit of sarcasm I am now feeling with the memory of what once happened.

At this time I am in 2 dimensions at the same time, this one here in which my grandfather is dying, and the one in which my mama is gathering the ointments for the ceremony.  Everything that happens to me in these 2 dimensions overlap.  As I prepared my mind to go through this experience, to look at this from the perspective of who that girl became, it became a journey that spanned nearly 40 years of thoughts about it, first the rage and the fear.. the inability to allow myself to be touched by a man, by any man.. to the point where I could see it was affecting who I was and the purpose for which I was sent and the need to transmute these feelings into something pure that I could live with.  Closing down, and opening up wide, lost innocence, and the journey to again find the innocence of life.. the work of transmuting the energy came.  It was an inner need to find a way to transmute the energy, a knowing that this was what I must now do..

In the dimension in which I was an Indian maiden, we were a peaceful loving tribe, loving in our ways and gentle in our spirits.  Our forgiveness ceremony was more about honor.... as if.. if you came upon a baby animal and what you were doing threatened the parents for the safety of their babies, if you suffered an attack, then forgiveness was realizing the bigger picture of why the attack took place in the first place...   When something like this would happen, first the healing of the wound, and then we would be sent back out to the place of attack where we would merge with the animal (or the tribe of the animal) who had wounded us.  The understanding of why the attack took place, being a part of them in their day to day life, understanding their sacred place, this was forgiveness

We walked this way and we walked in peace with the neighboring tribes for countless eon of time less ness.  This was always how we performed the forgiveness ceremony.

Then one day there came to our tribe a tribe we had never seen before.  They ripped through our village, raped our women, killed our men, and tore our hearts apart..

But still we are a peaceful loving people and in time the wounds did heal.  Forgiveness was the understanding of the sacred place this happening in our lives.  Forgiveness was understanding our place in what would be perceived as a threat to these peoples way.  Forgiveness was required.  And so it was required that I merge with this man who had raped me, merge with the tribe they came from, find their sacred place, their sacred truth and merge with it.  And now I carried within my womb the seed of the man who pillaged our village, raped our women and killed our men..  He now lay there on his death bed, and it was with only the smallest amount of sarcasm as I looked at a scar on my arm, that my mama's gaze penetrated my psyche and she announced, "It is now time to perform the Healing Remnants of Past Wounds Ceremony."

From that moment on these 2 worlds touched and intertwined with each other.  No action here did not touch a movement within the Ceremony my mama was now preparing me for.

In this time I began to reflect on what became of that girl.  I was being given some very specific instructions about how the Ceremony was to take place.. here in this one.. for one thing I was instructed that I was to go see him on the 27th of October.

It might sound strange to say that this was the first time I faced him, with him being in a coma and all, but once he had shown me this part of himself, I had never faced him again.  I had ran into him at my Aunts 3 years earlier, which was how I knew he had reverted to a childlike essence, but I had never taken my children to meet him once I grew up.  I had forgiven him but I had no use for having him in my life..  Even after my dad called and said he was in a coma and on his death bed, I did not tell my boss that anything was going on and my energy became to intent on the Ceremony that I was to perform that I forgot to tell my children their great grandfather was in a coma and on his death bed for 3 days.

It was the Ceremony in the other dimension that told me I had to go see him.  He'd had a marked effect on my life.  Before that time I walked in innocence.  It was with this act that I began the spiral that took my life out of control.  Even when I went to get the seed of forgiveness planted within me, I did not mention, except briefly that this had happened.  Mainly I was thinking I needed to forgive the Church for not recognizing us as a part of them.  Having forgiveness come into my heart was not for him, or them.  It was for me.  It was for the pain that walked inside of me, the pain that affected my life on the outside.  These were my thoughts after they told me that I had to go down there on the 27th and face him.

Passing through these thoughts I then began to reflect on who I became..  At this point I know myself to be blessed beyond measure.  I don't even feel worthy of the gifts that are bestowed upon me because I see all my faults magnified.  What happened to that girl, as imperfect as she felt on her journey.. is when she had no one to call out to in her pain, she called out to the Earth, who talked to her back and sent her little messages in the animals.

That girl, she might not have understood why the Earth sent the butterfly to land on her nose on the day she was pouring her tears out, trying to figure out what she was doing wrong, but she knew herself to be blessed.. and in time a new world opened up for her.

In time she found the contract she wrote when she volunteered to incarnate on Earth, and realizing that she realized that in order to know a greater love she had to enter into the heart of the pain.  Therefore someone had to volunteer to incarnate, to be the one whose, one little touch, would send her spiraling straight into the heart of the pain.  Only a friend would volunteer for such a mission, to leave all that was sacred and spiritual, incarnate into a family where the disease was running rampant, and make a path for me to experience a greater love.

So when I went down there on the 27th, it was strange, standing there holding his hand as he lay in a coma.  I looked inside myself to see what I was feeling and there was a soft tenderness there that I had not expected to find.  The trace of bitterness that I thought was still inside of me was gone and what I saw was a man who needed to complete his journey.  It was time to send him our love and wish for him a safe journey home.  I understood that he was holding onto his life for fear of what would happen to him if he let go and surrendered his human body to become spirit body again.  I believed that once he got to the other side he would understand his value in acting out this sickness and I wanted him to understand that I held no ill will for his part on on my path, for I was not able to see beyond what originally happened to the blessing of the growth, for it was through our own suffering that we were made aware of the suffering of others, and found our heart reaching out to others in pain.  So I thanked him for his noble mission, to spend a whole lifetime forgetting his own sacred journey so that a heart such as mind could experience a deeper love for the whole of mankind.

And suddenly I realize I have now found myself in the heart of forgiveness.  The seed of forgiveness that was once planted within my soul has grown and it is now a tree, and I am standing in the face of one of its flowers staring out at him saying Thank you.