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......... we are all peering at this rift I tell them
that is forming. Then my Grandmother says, with a smile, "Oh it's a
stretch mark, but only a little tiny one..
2004
this
journey began Friday October 22
My
Grandfather passed over on Thursday 11-11 of 2004. By Friday I
discovered that a rift had formed between the 2 sisters (my aunt and my
mother.) And from all appearances, the rift that stood between them
was my dad. My dad can be very controlling. I'm certain he had his
own ideas of how everything should proceed, the funeral and the dividing
of the inheritance.
But my
aunt is a strong woman. After her mother (my grandmother) passed
over, she moved her mobile home in next to my Grandfather so she could
tend to him in his old age. She gave everything to make certain that
he found the comfort he needed to sustain him until he was ready to go
home. And as she watched him preparing to make his exit, she had his
whole funeral prepared in her mind.
Thus
the first tear of the rift (that I know of) began when my dad discovered
that she had not arranged, in her mind, for any of the pall bearers to be
from her sisters (my moms) side of the family... Perhaps when she was
arranging it in her mind she just counted the ones she knew would be
there, that she knew she could count on.. and I 'm certain my dad, in his
overbearing way, decided that it simply would not happen that way and was
disregarding to her feeling as he expressed this..
At any
rate, there came to be a rift between the 2 sisters, so that by the time I
got down there, there was like a major rift that could be felt..... As a
matter of fact it was decided that my dad was going to put us all up in a
hotel together some 20 miles distance from everyone else.. in in my head
this is getting all very bizarre.. as with this even it seemed to be a
struggle between the 'haves' and the 'have nots.'
My dad left the poorer country life
to move to the city where he set up for himself a lavish retirement.
This is the lifestyle he enjoys immensely at this moment. new car, new
truck, mobile home for traveling about the country for 6 months at a
time, and all the expenses he needs to cover this lifestyle... and of
course us kids always have a place to go to if we get in a bind and need
to borrow some money....
While on my aunts side, she raised
her kids by herself... and being a single mother I can completely
understand how this feels... and the feeling that they are the 'have
nots' prevails because somehow as it was decided that my dad would put
us up in a motel, my aunt gave all of her children the money to buy
their whole families new outfits for the funeral and it is believed that
she got this money from my grandfathers estate.
There was one other thing that I
couldn't really understand... except that maybe my aunt was taking this
stance because she did not want my dad to go into her daddy's house, but
my aunt would not give the keys to my grandpa's house to my mom so she
could go inside......
At any rate by the time we got to the
hotel everyone in my family knew my stance on the rift and..... even
though there was no physical evidence, I had the feeling that they were
continuing to feed it behind my back.... there wasn't any bad feelings
between us but I was not the one anyone confided to about this... as I
had made it quite clear that I felt, above all, my aunt, who had taken
responsibility of seeing to the needs of her aging father should be
respected and honored in her decisions.....
By the time we got to the Wake, the
apparentness of the rift was being deeply felt...... I can't think of
anyone on my aunts side who approached me first to say hello and give me
a hug. It was just like with sheer determination I sought them out and
said hello..... It was weird.... and then when my aunt came in... well
she didn't come to me, I went to her.. and she was all avoiding, but
allowed me to come to her... but she was avoiding going any where near
my dad....... The rift was there the whole time and I was glad when it
came time to go home.... And this is when I discovered that not only
was us kids staying in the hotel, but so were our parents...........
Another feeling of the rift....
On Monday morning I went down to get
a cup of coffee and my parents and sister and her husband were
there....... I could feel a tiny bit of the rift between us as I simply
do not participate in talking bad about people...... Then my son comes
down and we decide we are going to Wal-Mart's...... Then as we are
leaving my dad says to me, "Don't go away mad." I just laughed and my
son asked what that was about? But I didn't tell him because I believe
it's wrong to try to set one member of a family against another.........
and I believe it does harm to do that...
My aunts church was giving a dinner
for the family before the funeral and when our family got there I found
my dad and mom sitting a the largest table..... We all pulled up next
to them, but when my aunts family got there... ooooo whee, the rift
could really be felt as no one came to us to bid us welcome. We went to
them......... and I got this really big feeling that, again. my dad was
exerting his place by taking the best seat in the place for him and his
family....... By this time, this whole event is just getting way too
long and stretched out... and I don't really like how it feels upon my
soul as I try to make contact with my cousins from across the rift....
And they would just stare at us without smiling until we would go up and
hug them..
and by the time I got to the
funeral... I just pretty well thought it sucked.... In the first place I
hate Christian funerals because they go against the grain of what feels
natural to me... and the preacher is doing this take advantage of having
all these people in one place opportunity to preach a sermon deal...
and I prefer to keep the last memory of my grandfather as the one from
when he was alive..... not that thing that the funeral home does to you
to make you look unnaturally like you are laying there sleeping deal...
and its just like, my goodness I am ready to go home... no wonder I
never go to funerals when people pass over because the Christian concept
just leaves me feeling empty... And even though I had a really hard
time listening to that sermon, part of what I did hear had something to
do with the importance of forgiveness.... and how they knew that the end
of time was almost upon us... and we needed to be ready...
So I got through that... even though
I think I was getting a bit of an attitude before it was over... and
then we went and did the gravesite visitation deal... but I was ready to
go home.... ready to put back on my Indian spirit clothes...... But my
son says we have to go say goodbye to my mom and dad, who by this time
are back at their trailer, which is parked at my grandfathers house,
which is next to my aunts... and we get there and no ones there.. so I'm
telling my son to say goodbye through his cousin, but then my parents
drive up.. and then my aunts family drives up.... and again the RIFT, as
they won't even say hello or nothing to us, just stand over there on the
other side of the rift staring at us, so again we have to go over and
hug them and tell them goodbye....... and I just
wanted to leave!
Finally get it so I am in my car and
as my son is pulling up behind me my dad comes up and begins talking bad
about my aunt telling me what she is doing...... and I'm just like, Dad
I'm sorry this rift has come between these 2 sisters but there is
nothing I can do about it...... but still he pleads his case to me.. so
finally I tell him that what I see is 2 little girls fighting, with one
being the stronger more dominant in her attitude and one being more
passive. and I told him that I thought the 2 sisters needed some alone
time now to talk this out..... Then he said they had plenty of time
alone... so I told him that he had been here every second my mom had
been here for the last month, so they had not really been alone.... and
that I thought the 2 sisters needed some alone time now so they could
work this thing out.
And then I'm driving in my car back
to Kansas City and the rift is all inside my head because I cannot
figure out what this could possible have to do with the Healing Remnants
of Past Wounds Ceremony.... and I'm thinking on every aspect of what I
had just witnessed and heard.... when I find myself feeling very much
like an ant who is standing in the middle of a rift on the Earths
surface... and from this perspective the rift in the Earth's
surface looks really large, so large I'm uncertain it will ever come
back together again... and my aunt's on one side with my mom on the
other (2 sisters) and my dad is the tear in the middle of the face of
the Earth................. It's huge and it looks like the Grand
Canyon.
So I just ask to be
taken to a place where I can understand it from a different level and
suddenly I am transported to that time/space/place where my Mother said
it was time to do the Healing Remnants of Past Wounds Ceremony, the one
where I was pregnant and about to give birth, even as I could look over
to the side and the see the one who did this to me on his death bed,
even as my Mother is continuing to do the Healing Remnants of Past
Wounds Ceremony over me......... even as I see he has already left and
his body is no longer laying on the bed behind me..
I am hovering above
my body looking very close at this rift I can see upon my
body............................. I am in the eyes of another. My
mother and grandmother are standing in front of me down between my legs
and we are all peering at this rift I tell them that is forming.
Then my grandmother says with a smile, "Oh its a stretch mark, but only
a little tiny one.. and suddenly I realize I am giving birth to a New
World!
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