The despair of loneliness


a powerful emotion...


Loneliness is the worst torment of being different. It gnaws you out from the inside, and you can never alleviate the pain, because you have no one to share it with. It leaves you twisted and hollow. The only good I ever got out of loneliness was my poems.
I had hoped not to need this page for a very long time. One cannot force companionship, however; and though I meet many people, it takes time to make true friends.

Poems


telephone wires
precede me into night
dark already in this winter cold
my dreams find me crying
because my dreams cannot find me
i weep ink onto paper
and give my still face to the world

i wander aimlessly
with the thought that
i should be someone else
wondering if it's possible
to make friends
true enough to walk with
all the way to world's ending
all the way to death

i'm not happy anymore

the days are far too dark
and the nights descend too close

i can't find my dreams

my spirit blazes
trapped in this fleshy form
I scream to fly but
i cannot
my flesh yearns
my soul burns
but no matter how i use my hands
there is that I cannot touch

dance the wind into spirals
only movement stills thought
and too much more will kill me
rip me to pieces   inside
i want to sleep, but
dreams pursue me into darkness
morning opens her eye
staring blue into my shattered face
and i run in circles
my hopes devouring

i stare into the sun

until i'm blind

but that doesn't make

     the other

pain

go  away


All Hallow's Eve
night of disguises
to fool the spirits
i would be anything
but this

two a.m. on Wednesday morning
in the chaos of my mind
what is sleep when frost is coming?
what is hope to wind unkind?

standing in hallways
we wait;
jostled and shouting
shuffling through papers
we watch;
apart from the crowd
looking for pathways
we wind;
crowded and empty
pausing at doorways
we wane;
alone in the room

naked from the neck up
i don't need to wear my face for you
let's compare our scars sometime
you'll see what i am telling you


What am i but
one more step along the road?
I cannot wait
for the world to catch up;
Ever i am outside
the circle of others--
Not waiting;
but wishing i could

broken circle;

   some pieces fall together--

   some pieces fall apart.

i wonder why i try sometimes.


And high I flew;
and down I fell;
And, fallen, found myself in hell;

No flames of sin;
nor pitchfork tines;
Just broken dreams, and empty minds.

Hell is
friends who will not speak to you
Hell is
love that is not yours
the difference between real and true
Hell is
the loss of what went before

all my dreams are glory

             nowadays

     and it makes

life


hard to face

             sometimes


caringlost
hopingpain
whereforetruth
lifeinsane


His ice-green eyes
had the look
of one who knew:
Love was false
Friends were empty
And death would come someday

There was pain
in her eyes
and hope.
And between the two a terrible courage.

Courage to weather
the long dark night of an empty soul.
Painfully dark.
With a conceited
desperate
hope
that the sun will someday
rise.

Why am I here

      out of place

      out of time

Unnoticed I leave

      all regrets

      no return


adrift
in a black bleak broken sea
shifting waves lick at eternity
drifting hanging turning wheeling
a grim grey gull thinly screaming


scream

      in an

          empty

      place

knowing,

          alone,

      no one

      will hear


emptiness echoes
with failed dreams,
lost hopes,
futility.
knowing eyes are
windows
unto an infinity
of shadows.
death reigns
from clouds.

All fall down
Crumble row
Hopes and dreams
Fly no more.


The fragile flower of happiness
requires constant care
Anger's consuming flame
take steady fuel
The white dove of hope
is easily misled
But despair resides
in the depths of space
Infinite and
Eternal.

I dream of waking
in a world (a fantasy)
where I am not
alone (to infinity)
hope is a dream
drifting away
reality intrudes
when I most wish
it would go away

looking
inside,
the emptiness is astonishing.

try to fill it
with
things.

it doesn't work.

to fill this space needs
a smile
a touch
a glance

another heart.

Quotations


I feel like... I don't know. Someplace nobody ever goes anymore.
-----The Sandman, issue 41

Adieu, adieu, adieu!
Remember me.
-----Shakespeare, Hamlet

You have just met the Angel of Death. He was a stranger. He is always a stranger.
-----Tad Williams, Otherland: City of Golden Shadow

Alone. Always alone, save for those I met along the way.
-----Charles L. Grant, "Confess The Seasons"

This attic of my mind
these feelings I can't hide
I can't share
I feel alone
-----Live, "Heropsychodreamer"

"Indifference is what helps death invade life."
-----Elie Wiesel (from a speech given at the Savannah Civic Center)

Musings


Touch is the sense of togetherness--
Hand on hand.
Arms enfolding.
To be untouchable is to be alone.
Completely.



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