Amongst Them
<Clara>

I could still remember when I first visited the Academy. I was still ten years old then. I was able to see the cadets marching in the field. I was so fascinated with the way they marched. I was captivated by the sparkle exuded by their uniforms. They were like toy soldiers, I thought. I was wide eyed when they passed by me after the parade. My dad asked several of the cadets to pause for a while so that he could take pictures of them. I paused with them too. I was dwarfed of course by those tall cadets. I never knew their names. All I have were pictures of them.      Even as I grew up, my fascination for the Academy was still there. I still kept the pictures. I collected magazine articles about the Academy and the Cadets. I get amazed at people who have relations at the Academy. I get excited whenever I see PMA seal sticked in a car. I have high regard to men who have spent sometime of their life at the Academy and even a higher regard to men who have graduated there.      Never did I imagine myself being part of the Academy in any way I could be. I was just a spectator. Well, not until I met my boyfriend. He too had this high regard of PMA cadets. We shared stories about the Academy, about our first visit and about how we developed the respect and admiration for the Academy, the Cadets and the Cavaliers. I wasn't surprised when he told me that he would be entering the Academy. I didn't get mad or sad with the news. Rather, I encouraged him. I was so proud of him.      The distance between us was bridged by constant letters and phone calls (which were seldom yet when he was still a plebe) and occasional visits. I attended hops and watched parades. Through all his stories and my observatoions, I became acquainted with the affairs of the Academy. I came to know the traditions, special occasions, and the like. I knew very well what goes on during weekdays and weekends. I learned the lingo and was able to speak a little. Call it crazy but I was very very interested with the Academy. I was short of passing the entrance exam and wearing their uniform in order to become a cadet myself. I even assumed the poise of cadets. I was just so involved, I didn't know what was really happening to me then.      Then came that time when my cadet was having difficulty with his Academics. He wrote to me and said that he might be discharged from the Academy. I, of course, encouraged him still. He was then a Second Classman, a cow. I prayed hard and hoped that he might make it but sad to say, he didn't. He called me one night and said, "Hey, I'm out of the Academy. Shall we rejoice?" He was drunk.      The next day, I was in Baguio. There were no words to say. There were only tears. I just let him cry his heart out. I was also crying then. I knew how desperate and miserable he felt. He has dedicated all his life there. He never thought of becoming anybody but to graduate from the Academy and serve the Armed Forces. There were no words to comfort him. All I was able to give then was my prescence. I urged him to start anew. I told him that it's never too late. But he just shook his head. "Honey, please don't close the door. Don't loose hope. Think about me, about our future," I cried.      He hugged me so tight and said "I love you. Don't ever forget that. I entered the Academy with you in my thouhgts. I knew that I would be able to give you a better future. But now, what could I offer you? I'm nothing! I can never be anybody." "Look," I said. "There are other things you could still do. You can never be anybody because you're somebody. Somebody I am very proud of." He only smiled. "Come let's go home now." He gathered his things and took my hand. We went home.      His parents were devastated but they encouraged him still. He didn't want to go out. He said he's ashamed to go out. He always locks himself in his room. He goes out for his meals and when I was around. I thought and hoped that maybe it was just astage he was going through. But one day, he didn't answer and he didn't open his door. I got nervous we tore down the door. There he was lying in his bed and an empty bottle of sleeping pills beside him. He left a note saying sorry and that he loves us all.      It took me a while to recover from that blow. I no longer have anybody who cares for me (I no longer have my parents, you see). Life started to loose meaning but then later on I realized that life still mattered. I realized that as long as I live, there is meaning to my life. Before, I didn't care for anybody but my cadet but right now, I don't only care for him but for all of the people in my country.      I still am fascinated with the Academy. I still attend hops and other special occasions. I already very well know the everyday events in the Academy. I know the lingo, I speak the lingo. I know the in's and out's of the Academy. I know the rules. I know what the cadets do to pass the time and what they do when time is running out. I know what makes smile, what makes them high, and what makes them tick. I know what it feels to be a cadet. For right now I'm one of them.      Never did I imagine that one time I would be part of the Academy in any way I could be. I stopped being just a spectator. I am no longer a mere Kaydet girl. For later on did I realize, that my fascination for the Academy was also a desire - I wanted to be part of the Academy. I wanted to be a cadet myself and right now, I am one of them.

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