An Open Letter to Buds
<Mia Femme>
Buds,
I got so used to the term that even if it doesn't mean the same thing anymore, I believe that you are still my Buddy, you know, the kind of person one grows old with, the kind of person one trusts and loves for the rest of his life.
First, I want to thank you for coercing (?) me to go to the YFC camp. There were a lot of things I didn't expect to happen. I did not, for one moment, think I could give up something which I have called my own for so many years to. Someone whose existence I was beginning to doubt. That is, I never thought giving up my life to God, the one true Being who loves me despite of me.
Going to the essence of this letter, no, you did not fail me. It was just that I failed to see through you. I guess I was just hurt because everything that happened (the break-up and everything that happened after that) did not turn out the way I visualized them. Do you still remember your wedding plans for 2001? That kind of stuck with me and I was really looking forward to it, which might have explained why I expected so much out of the relationship.
Maybe the fact that you were the first femme I have come to know (and the only Kaydet Girl featured in the Corps Mag I happened to be well acquainted with) contributed to that feeling. These things don't happen everyday.
You don't meet someone who makes your life go round, love them and treasure them with all your heart and the next thing, something struck and everything went blank. With you around, as a co-femme, I felt as if someone understood almost exactly how I feel (although I am not discounting the fact that we are two individuals, unique).
You gave me confidence and believed in me so much that I came to know of myself and of what I can do. When the break-up came, it seemed as if my days with a friend have ended too. Yes, I know that despite that, you told me that we'd still be friends as before. However, I no longer felt bound to you, I no longer felt something that would keep me attached to you. I felt as if you had totally destroyed that common thing we have.
I was hurt.
I felt so rejected. And since you have your newfound friends, I felt as if you no longer needed me.
For months (until the camp), I was like a lover brooding over a lost love. I feel hurt everytime I see you and that new guy together, thinking of the what-could-have-beens for you and that particular "mistah".
I talked to him during the summer nights (pinupuyat nya ako because we stroll around the area
until the wee hours of morning) and he poured out his heart to me, just as you have, a long long time ago. He was telling me of how he (in a way or another) led you to Christ, but somehow when you found your own way to Him, he was left alone.
I felt for him, just as I felt for you. I became so involved, really. I felt his pain, but I did not of yours because we did not talk much after the break-up. It was hard for me to accept that you and him no longer existed, that it was just a pigment from the past, perhaps a scar left over by a wound. The wound it had caused me did not leave a scar from up until the camp it was still fresh. I was so hesitant to go to camp because I know that I will only be hurt to see you with your new boyfriend.
But I believed that some Force brought me there and that was, I affirm, God's. I did not know how to accept and tell you all the things I feel. But I felt that I had to have someone pray over that concern so that I will have the courage to tell you all that and more (and I'm doing so, now!).
I'm sorry if I hadn't told you sooner. I'm sorry if I had been too selfish to see through you. I'm sorry if I made you cry during camp (hindi ka tuloy nakakanta!). I'm sorry if I made it all wrong when things were turning out so right for you. I just didn't know how to take it.
I was healed by the camp, Buds. I finally learned to accept, I finally saw your happiness despite my pain and somehow that happiness helped me heal. I can see God working in you and I've never seen you so happy and contented with your life. Yes, I still hurt but I've done something to make the wound a scar. I'm healing it and I know that in time, it will just be like one of yours, a scar of the past which would remind both of us of a bittersweet moment.
I admit that after yours, I did not become so involved or updated or so into any relationship of a mistah because I was afraid to expect again. I became afraid of persons coming and going into my life.
Buds, I finally found something we again, have in common and that is Christ. There is nothing more I could ask for now because you and I have become one again in Christ. Thanks for everything, especially for understanding. I hope that your new found love can read this to let him know also how sorry I am to have been so rude to him (unknowingly, perhaps). I hope that we could be
better sisters (yihee!) through this.
Even if fate separates us from one another and sometimes we will fail to keep in touch, I will not worry of you because I know that there will be four hands which will be willing to catch you in your every fall, God's and your true love's.
I love you! God bless always!
In Christ,
Buds
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