Piss of a Police Officer....

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him, "I just wanted to see if mine was bigger."
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no,cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him, "sorry, I just ate the last one."
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar....."
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask himhow the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say "what are you talkin about, DUDE?"
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say "hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight......."
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car,sir, the last cop got it.
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner,suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

What's So Bad about Russia?

A boy was in class and he raised his hand and asked his teacher, "What's so bad about Russia?" His teacher said, "thats it, young man, go to theprincipals office."The boy walked into the principals office and the priciple asked him what he was doing there. The boy said "I was in class, and I asked my teacher a question, and she sent me here." The principal said "What was the question?" The boy replied "What's so bad about Russia?" The principal shouted, "You are suspended for two weeks." The boy walked into his house. His mother asked, "What are you doing home so early?" The boy replied, "I was in class, and I asked the teacher a question. The teacher sent me to the principal's office. I asked the priciple the question and he suspended me for two weeks." The mother said,"Well, what's the question?" "What's so bad about Russia?" The boy responded. "Go up to your room andwait for your father to get home." His mother shouted. The father walked into his boys room and said "So I heard you got in trouble at school today. What happened?" The boy said, "I was in class and I asked the teacher a question and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked him and he suspended me for two weeks. I asked mom, and she sent me uphere." "So, what's the question?" The father asked. "What's so bad about Russia?" The boy said. The father picked him up and threw him out the window. A cop saw all this and asked the boy what happened. The boy said, "I was in class and I asked the teacher a question and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked him and he suspended me for two weeks. I asked mom, and she sent me up to my room. I asked dad and he threw me out the window." "So, what's the question?" The cop asked. "What's so bad about Russia?" The boy said. "That's it young man, your going to reform school." The first day at school, his new teacher asked him why he was there. The boy said, "At my old school, Iwas in class and I asked the teacher a question and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked him and he suspended me for two weeks. I asked mom, and she sent me up to my room. I asked dad and he threw me out the window. Then I saw a cop and asked him, and he sent me here." "So, what's the question?" The teacher asked. "What's so bad about Russia?" The boy said."That's it young man, go to the principal's office." Said the rather flustered teacher. He walked into the principal's office, and the principal said, "In trouble already? What happened?" The boy said "At my old school, I was in class and I asked the teacher a question and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked him and he suspended me for two weeks. I asked mom, and she sent me up to my room. I asked dad and he thew me out the window. Then I saw a cop and asked him, and he sent me here. Then I asked my teacher and she sent me to your office." "So, what's the question?" The principal asked. "What's so bad about Russia?" The boy asked. "That's it, I'm sending you to Russia." So the boy is in Russia for the very first day, and he walks out of the airport. Right after walking out, he gets hit by a bus.
Q: Whats the moral of the story?
A: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Dirty Ape
A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. Suddenly, the monkey jumps on a nearby pool table, grabs a pool ball, and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man, "Why in the hell did he do that?"
The man replies, "He always eats things whole."
Two days later the same man and monkey return to the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar, sticks it up his ass, and then eats it.
The bartender, again shocked, asks, "Why did he stick it up his ass first?" The man replies, "Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit."

Ears To You, Boss!
There's this guy who has no ears, who also happens to be the president of a large company. Nearing retirement, he conducts a search for his successor. He narrows it down to three applicants, and he starts each interview with the same question: "What's the first thing you notice about me?"
The first guy answers, "Well, you have no ears." Second guy? Same thing.
But the third guy answers, "You wear contacts, don't you?"
The president is surprised by this and asks, "Yes, how did you know that?"
The man replies, "Well, you can't wear glasses; you ain't got no friggin' ears!"

Indecent Preposition
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y’all from?"
The girl from New York said: "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y’all from, BITCH?"

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for an hour?
A: Because it said "Concentrate".

The Non-Thong Song
oooh that gut so scandalous
and you know a girdle cant even handle it
eatin at home like who is this
with a look in her eyes like she see some fish
she like to eat at the buffet spots
she will eat everything even crumblet drops
not just crumblets she ate a pot
she was eat'in chalupa loca
she eat chicken by the truck truck truck
hams like what what what
baby tuck your gut gut gut
i think i'll eat it again
she eat chicken by the truck truck truck
hams like what what what
all night long
you--can't--wear--a--thonnnnnng.
I hate it when your gut goes bla blup bla blup
I hate it when your flab goes what up what up
fat butt need to do some chin ups sit ups
I better not see you in a thong thong thong thong thong.

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