The Rules for Cats and Men
RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room.To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy
one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering."
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a
better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and
comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book
itself.
3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of
the work as possible or at least the most important part.
Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or knitting needles.
The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.
4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in
mind the aim: to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of
the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They
love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on
desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen
and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in
progress!
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when
they have something in their arms, in the dark, and
when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances.
This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost.
Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
17 rules for men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
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