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ENTERTAINMENT
WHAT'S YOUR BEEF???
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Canadian Novelist And Drunk Jonty Swaddler Take's On Revenue Canada, MDF and Danasi Bottled Water
Canada is a vast country full of many great things. It has freedom, diversity and natural beauty. What is does not have however is a very respectable taxation system.
Revenue Canada is nothing more than a criminally negligent outfit declared legal because Ottawa made it so. Thousands of people suffer each year at the hands of their numerically challeneged, halfwitted, passive, square headed bible bashing neanderthal employees. Neanderthals who the Federal Government welcome because it is so easy to wrongfully credit and miscalculate peoples taxes without questioning why.
When you have a big country you have to pay for it in the form of Federal taxes and Provinvial taxes. Double the fun for a poorly run democratic society hell bent on profit making while thousands of people are forced into piling up their credit.
Tax tax and tax again! The reason is for you not to know why but just to pay it. Heaven forbid if your taxes have been grossly miscalculated or you are owed a rebate! Expect a court battle to ensue because these bastards will drop, lose or simply ignore your claim because it means they have to pay you back legitimately and they hate that because it means your local Councillor will have to fork out a bit of extra cash from the kitty to pay for a broken street light.
While we are on the subject of negligence and dumbness did you know that MDF dust is just as likely to give you permanent lung damage as cigarette smoking? No? I wonder why! Tell that to the anally retentive stiffs in the anti-smoking lobby who machine MDF flooring all day in there homes and businesses! Your beloved wood contains formalyhide and phenol too you silly fools! Check here if you don't belive me! www.thelaminexgroup.com.au
Canada will undoubtly continue lead the way in negligence and stupidity like it did with Alcan's Flouspar mines in Lawrencetown, NFLD and the Tar Ponds in Sydney, NS, just for the sake of selling dangerous goods to unsuspecting individulas like they've always done. Have you bought any bottles of Danasi mineral water lately? Did you check to see how much bromate is pumped into that crap? Its banned in Europe! Oh what's the use, if I carry on I'll sound like that drivelling obese millionaire twat Michael Moore. Continue fellow North Americans in your passive, ignorant insular paradise, I simply give up!
OBITUARIES
Granny By Gaslight Star Dies
One of Canada's best loved actresses - Fanny Freake, died peacefully last Monday after slipping on a discarded halibut.
Fanny started her carreer in Halifax as a singing prostitute and was a regular fixture along Spring Garden Road during the swinging sixties.
After enrolling at University and studying Arts in Toronto she landed the role as Babbs, an old mysterious woman who saved people from their wicked ways in the long running TV series 'Granny By Gaslight'.
As well as being on the board of Directors at Film Nova Scotia and occasionally appearing in Lesbian porn flicks, Fanny also loved gardening and was a regular guest on Linda Reeves - House and Home. Fanny will be missed.
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LEISURE
Rick O'Shea's Back Country Beer Guide.
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A hearty hello to my fellow beer lovers! Welcome to my little column where I aim to bring you the best in local brewing establishments across Canada.
Last month I visited the Clan McBladder Brewery in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. The family owned business has been thriving for almost two-hundred years now. Current owner Angus Sporron was kind enough to give me a much needed thirst quenching.
The first beer I sampled from this fine brewery was 'McCullochs Tipple'. A fine fruity bodied amber ale full of sparkle and plenty of head. It certainly 'rose' to the occasion as I gobbled a huge mouthful of it's creamy texture giving my tastebuds something really hard to think about. Certainly this 7% alcohol volume had spunk, a hint of saltyness to it and a beautiful rasberry after-taste. Angus said it was on of their best sellers and I coudn't have agreed more! 9/10.
Up next was 'Glace Bay Grit' a tribute to all who mined in that area of this highland region. It looked as black as coal and tasted like the smell of dirty shoe soles. It's odour brought stinging tears to my eyes. Angus pointed out that onions were one of many ingrediants this beer had to offer. Moldy socks sprang to more to my mind. Only for the strongest of willed men this one. 4/10.
Last up was Angus's personal favourite 'Baddeck Bullfrog'. A green/brown mess that smelled vaguely like my crotch after a hard days jog and three weeks without a shower. Did I try it. Of course I did. I swilled it around in my mouth for a bit, and spat it out like mouthwash. Truly vile. Infact it was so vile half of it came streaming out of my nose as I gargled, wretched and gagged. Angus later told me that it wasn't a real beer at all, he just wanted to play tricks on me. When I asked him what the hell he'd given me he told me it was roadkill juice and windshield washer mixed together. Thanks Angus! Until next time beer lovers....
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
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TIPS TO QUIT SMOKING:
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's arse, filter first, then replace it back in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking any of them.
MARRIAGE TIPS: Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing into the sink!
DUMPING YOUR PARTNER:
Make your partner ditch you next time you're having sex by phoning them up and telling them. Note: Only try this if your significant other isn't into threesomes
Until next time dudes...
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