|
|
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Mysterious Scotsman Bears Uncanny Resemblance to Wanted Terrorist
 |
|
Reports have surfaced showing strong evidence that wanted terrorist Osama Bin-Laden is living somewhere in Scotland.
Laden 51, is wanted by the US for orchestrating the deadly 9/11 attacks. Since that time he has eluded capture.
Only last year he managed to sneak across the border into Pakistan by posing as a Fed-Ex Courier delivering a kidney dialysis machine.
Callum McKirkintilloch a local Scottish sheep herder was the first to raise the alarm.
"There was this fella fiddling around with one of my sheep early one morning. He had his kilt hitched up around his thighs, so I got my gun and shot a few off. He fell backwards into a pile of steaming cow dung. I ran towards him, yelling, but he quickly recovered and ran away across the glens. I'll never forget that glance he gave me as he ran though. It sent shivers down my spine. If it wasn't for that big bushy orange beard and Tam O' Shanter I would have sworn it was Osama!"
Local shop keepers in the village of ClackMannock TullockBannockburn also claimed they saw a wild ginger bearded stranger resembling the terror-tyrant - Osama.
Police investigating these reports found a map of possible terrorist plots in a local pub run by landlord Mallory McNuckles.
"There was this man, he looked a wee bit stupid. Had a big bushy orange beard and a silly lookin' kilt with rabbits on it. He ordered a gin and tonic in a rather weird accent, sort of like a London accent, but foreign. Like those Doctors, you know? Anyway he didn't look normal to me"
The mysterious stranger was last spotted off the Irish Coast in a small inflatable dinghy heading for Belfast. International anti-terrorist agents are asking the general public to be on the look-out for this suspicious looking fellow and added that extreme caution be applied when confronting him.
Boston Bishop In Controversial Healing Furore
Irish-American Bishop, Brendan Brennan has found himself in hot water over his controversial healing powers.
Last week Brennan claimed that by touching peoples posteriors he was infact ridding church goers of the evil that lurks from within.
Brennan's so called 'Posterial Therapy' according to the clergy is nothing more than an excuse to touch whom ever he pleases. "It's utter rubbish what Brennan is proclaiming, Father Finbar O'Flaherty pointed out during the annual Priests for Peace campaign in Boston. "The guy goes round fondling peoples arses and claims it cures them of their inner evils! It's a cover up for his cheap thrills!"
Father Fintan O' Flannell disagreed. "Brennan has always had great hands. He used to do my hair fo me at school. His mere touch becomes total salvation to those in need of forgiveness. If caressing their buttocks releases their inner grief then let him do his job!".
The so called 'Buttock Touching Bishop Of Boston' was unavailabe for comment as he is on a two week vacation on the island resort of Ibiza.
Infant Crime On The Rise
 |
|
Toronto – (AP). Infant crime is on the rise according to Statistics Canada. More than seventy four family homes were broken into last year in the Greater Moncton area alone by children younger than three years old.
Just last week Police arrested a two year old Riverview toddler and charged him with unlawful entry, property defication, possession of Marijuana and attempted theft of a Police Cruiser.
The toddler, who cannot be named or charged for legal reasons is just one of many infants encouraged by their parents to earn a little extra cash.
"Their parents know their child is not going to get a fine. That's why they do it!" Chief inspector Dick Fresno observed.
In this case however the parents of the toddler got more than they bargained for. The infants Grandmother, Betty Ruxpin, is taking them to court and having them legally divorced from their son. She is also seeking compensation from them for causing the child hours of mental grief by training him as a thief.
Millions face poverty in old age
Ottawa - A report by The Canadian Retirement Assistance Plan (CRAP), set up over a year ago as an independent body by the government, is expected to say federal and private retirement schemes face big shortfalls because of inadequate government spending and a lack of Canadian citizens.
The report is likely to say that Canada has to find an additional 200 billion dollars a year to lift pension spending up to the current US average according to a report printed in The Daily New Brunswick Socialist.
The Commission is expected to say that one option will be to raise taxes (a popular method Canadian government's have used for many years due to the lack of creative forsight and much needed immigration into the country) However, Canadian Finance Minister Itsa Crock has made it clear that "We should do nothing to put the public finances at risk and that includes increasing public spending on pensions to US levels."
The Report cited that for many years union related companies had been ripping public workers off by syphoning their penison money into pointless raffles and charitable events as well as imposing fines on workers attempting to make a living while on stroke. The report also advised people to stop eating out, refrain from buying SUV's, curb smoking and avoid wasting money at Canadian Tire outlets.
"Its just wastful spending, why can't Canadian citizens see that! Another option could be that we could create a cut off point for anyone living over 80 by having them removed from the country to save money". Mr Bull conceded. "Florida is certainly an option!"
|
|
OTHER NEWS
Missing Teen
Survives Eighteen Days
In Grand Piano
 |
|
After eighteen days, Fanette Vachon’s family had almost forgotten that they'd had an 18-year-old daughter.
Quebec Police had all but written her off as just another abduction until she was found, tangled and severely disorientated in the back of an old Grand Piano.
Fanette, who remained hospitalized in serious condition Tuesday night was last seen at a local antique fair in Ste Anne De Batonnette ninteen days ago. When she failed show up for supper her parents became anxious.
"She never missed her fried squid and molasses. That's when we knew something had happened", her mother Charlevoix Vachon remembers. "We told the Police and left it at that".
The following day at supper time Fanette's sister, Babetta mentioned to her parents that "something seemed odd". To which her father replied "I'm sure you'll get over it". As the days moved on so did the Vachon family.
Fanette was finally found by a couple who had purchased the piano after driving over 700 km's to Moncton, New Brunsick to sell it on to another antique dealer. Only when the prospective buyer tried to play the piano keys did they realise something was wrong.
"The keys made a dull thud", Eric Ditts" revealed. "Each time we hammered the keys we heard muffled squeals coming from inside!". On opening the piano they were horrified to discover a teenage girl, her body bound around the strings.
"I'm going to be late for my supper" Fanette whispered weakly as her rescuers looked on in horror. Her injuries included lacerations to the head, neck, chest, arms and legs and a few bruises on her cheeks caused by the Piano hammers boucing up and down on them.
On hearing the news that Fanette had been found alive and well her parents were at first astonished that they even had a second daughter but within a few hours memories of their lovely squid and molasses eating sibling came flooding back along with tears of joy and celebration. A happy ending indeed!
Larc V Amphibious Landing Craft A Boost To Canadian Navy
The Canadian Navy are set to expand following the announcement that they have aquired a Larc V amphibious vehicle. The vehicle used in the early 1970's in Vietnam had since been used for sighseeing tours in and around downtown Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Naval officer Brent Kent said it was a great day for the Navy. "We've had it rough in recent months' he declared. "What with our over enthusastic purchases of poorly equipped, malfunctioning sixty year old UK submarines and malfunctioning helicopters falling off our ships we thought this amphibious 4 wheel drive was just the ticket."
At only $1million CDN our proud Naval fleet can now cruise the coastlines of dodgy countries and spy on them in a friendly manner once again.
Canadian Prime Minister Suffers Bowel Movement
Ottawa – (AP). Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin suffered
a bowel movement shortly before a scheduled visit to a public washroom it was reported last night.
Martin, 68 had been relaxing at his home at 24 Sussex drive when the unexpected event occurred.
"Paul is doing fine!" His press secretary stated early this morning.
"He was in the middle of a monopoly game when he became overwhelmed and was rushed by his aides to a nearby stall"
It is thought Mr. Martin's premature bowel movement was a result of more monetary scams aimed at sweetening Quebec's taste buds to remain in Canada. Martin whose bowels are notorious for running like clockwork have taken a few surprise knocks in recent weeks.
Only last month in a meeting with Danny Williams, Premier of NFLD, Martin unexpectedly lost auxiliary power to his rectum causing a series of embarrassing undertones that left Williams demanding an apology.
Sheds Entered
Dieppe, NB - At least five residents in Dieppe yesterday reported entering their sheds. The reports were mostly from locals living on Chartersville, Melanson and DesRosier Streets.
Nothing unusual was reported after the sheds were entered. Local RCMP officers welcomed the move saying more residents should take up this practice more often.
Doors Opened
Dieppe, NB - At least six people opened their doors yesterday according to a local reporter who was busy monitoring the streets in frigid minus 40 celsius temperatures. All six people opened their doors out of concern for the journalist as it was clear he was showing early signs of hyperthermia one source said.
|
