Greetings artists, thespians and culture lovers. Seamus here with all the latest happenings in New Brunswick's thriving world of entertainment!

This Friday 'Clakety Clack', Moncton's knitting enthusiasts club will be holding a twenty-four hour 'knit-a-thon' with all proceeds going to the New Brunswick wrist strain foundation. All applicants must be over 21 and hold a valid knitting certificate. To register visit the Moncton Bretherin Church of Baptist Fundamendalists in Lower Coverdale. Cakes, buns and cheese rolls will be served to all hearty knitters taking part.

The musical story 'Silence of the Clams', written and directed by famous Acadian playright Ronald Dube-Leclerc opens this Friday at the Capitol Theatre. Dube-Leclerc's tribute to the over fishing of clams along the New Brunswick coast features singers and actors alike. The story centres around Albert Robitaille-Bouctouche, a fisherman having trouble feeding his twelve kids. Drastic actions ensue and with the help of a mysterious mermaid he manages to salvage what's left of the clam industry. Songs are performed by Moncton's resident drag queen Mary 'Mark' Molineau and Tim 'Straight as a curve' Collins.

Albert County Annual Urinating Relay

Last years winners the 'Water Pump Fairies' talking a quick leak!

Spring is here! That's good news for Albert County folk who can relish in the fact that the onset of their biggest attraction is only weeks away! Yes the annual urinating relay! Each team drinks copious amounts of liquid before heading off into the backwoods on a four mile circular trip, stopping at each checkpoint they must fill up at least one fluid pint of urine before dashing off to meet up with their next team player. The winning team receives a years worth of Diet Sprite. If your interested in competing call Burt Pile at 555-7834.

Indoor Ski-Spectacular with the Slalom Globetrotters

Dazzlin' Dave demonstrates one of his head-ball spins

Next week sees America's finest Ski-ing basketball superstars line up an amazing spectacular at the Coliseum. That's right folks - 'The Slalom Globetrotters' will be here to thrill crowds of easily entertained Monctonians with their aerial acrobatic ski-ing basketball antics. Watch as they hit the jumps and bag the baskets! Juggle in mid-air and twirl their balls on their heads! Don't miss it. Tickets are $300.00 Doors open at 7pm.

Herve Hepditch and His Tubular Balls visits Moncton

Hepditch and his limitless supply of household crockery

Next month welcomes the arrival of one of Canada's oddest artists - Herve Hepditch. Famed for his 'tubular balls', Herve plans to wake up downtown Moncton with a display like no other. Yes during this visit he will be positioned in a secret location somewhere on Main Street armed with thousand of plates. Innocent passers by will be randomly attacked by flying plates, tossed in no particular fashion from above. People who are hit by one of Herve's plates will be rewarded with a rare peak at his tubular balls. Moncton's KRAP 103 Radio will keep you up to date with Herve's latest developments!

Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk

MOVIE GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men dont give a crap anyway and you could use the saved energy to swiffer the house after you've been ravaged.

AMERICANS: Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every year.

Until next time dudes...