|
|
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
U.S. President Makes Key Decisions On Advice From His Dogs
"Come on Spot!"Bush motions his other dog forward, while holding Barney, for a last minute debrief before heading to the White House.
WASHINGTON - (AP). Staggering new claims from an
unidentifiable source from within the White House has claimed that U.S. President George Bush leaves his final decision making to his two pet dogs Barney and Spot.
Contrary to popular belief it is not Dick
Cheney who tells George what he should and should not do. "People assume I am the real man in charge of the USA it simply is no true." Cheney remarked during a lunch engagement at a senior citizens Bingo game.
"Take Iraq. We all wanted a war there yet George remained skeptical. After an hour wandering the
Presidential Gardens with his dogs George returned smiling and said it was 'O.K. to go!'"
The unnamed source also claimed George believes his dogs have the power of telekinesis. "When George's mind fogs over with overwhelming decisions he turns to his pets for salvation" The source continued. "I remember one day in Texas when George was ordering lunch in a local eatery he suddenly became extremely perplexed and frustrated over whether to eat Steak Tenderloins or grits. He leaned down to Spot for a second, smiled then ordered the Tenderloins".
This latest admission has embarrassed senior officials in Washington and some worldwide eyebrow raising. A White House spokesman could neither confirm nor deny the claim.
Canada Set To Get Yet Another National Holiday
Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin hails the nation over his proposed plan to add another national holiday.
OTTAWA, ON. Canada's Prime Minister, dubbed 'Mr. Dithers' for his pendulum approach to policies home and abroad yesterday declared that August 28, his birthday, will be a national holiday.
If his proposals go through we could be celebrating "Dithering Day" as early as this year!" A spokeswoman said. The Prime Minister added "This is what Canadians want. Were all in this together and were all Canadian. Canadians are without a doubt a nation of ditherers and I am no exception to that rule. So now I am putting this day on the table so that we can all dither as one!"
While most provinces hail the idea Quebec and Newfoundland remained opposed. "If the Prime Minister is willing to give us large amounts of financial aid to keep us in Confederation will will certainly think about it." Their respective Premiers declared.
Cardinal urges Catholics not to read 'Me And My Trojan'
 |
|
Cardinal Pastrami, unimpressed by Condom publication
ROME, Italy (AP) - After months of turning the other cheek, Vatican officials are lashing out against ''Me And My Trojan," saying Catholics should not buy or even read the best-selling birth control book.
In a series of radio and newspaper interviews here, Cardinal Tabasco Pastrami said that Dick Wart's novel was a paragon of ''anti-Catholic sexual practice" and was filled with ''gross lies and manipulations" about sexual practise in general.
Pastrami, the cardinal of a small Italian farming village and former spokesperson of the Vatican's powerful office on the habits of catholics, organized a conference last night in that village to castrate the novel.
''I'm really shocked that a book founded on so many errors and on numerous lies could have such success," said Pastrami, who has been mentioned as a potential successor to the current Pope, in the conference announcement.
''Me And My Trojan" is a factual compendium in which the church and its affiliates go to great lengths to cover up condom use amongst catholic followers. Also, the book says, the best condom catholics use are the extra large ultra sensitive 'trojan' variety.
The writer Dick Wart defended his book saying ''These italian cardinals must be mad to think that modern catholic men don't use condoms during sex. I mean years ago families had twenty or more kids now they're lucky if they have one! Am I right? Or are couples having sex less often? I'm glad my book is selling well because it helps other people to have safe sex, like in third world countries and what not.
It is extremely rare for high church officials to criticize a work of popular facts, specialists said. But ''Me And My Trojan," which has sold 25 million copies and been translated into 97 languages, has caused innumerable headaches for the Catholic Church. Plans for a movie, starring John Wayne Bobbit are currently on going.
Man Wakes Up To Find Leg Missing
 |
|
Photo of victim's leg before it went missing courtesy of a notorious limb thief.
Seattle, WA (AP). A Seattle area resident has become the fifth victim in as many weeks of the notorious limb thief known as - 'The Limbputator'.
Artie Clegg, 56, woke Sunday morning following a heavy night of hard drinking only to discover his left leg had vanished.
"Stunned!" Was the word that best described Clegg's immediate reaction. "I didn't think anything was a miss until I went to put my slipper on and found I had nothing to slip it on to!"
Clegg believes only a professional was capable of such a good clean up job. "They stitched me up good and proper and even dressed my nub for me!" He smiled.
A nation-wide hunt is currently underway and the Police are urging anyone with information regarding a missing left leg to contact them immediately. As for Artie he is far from bitter.
"It could have been a lot worse" he reflected, "Imagine if I had woken up without my head!"
Artie Clegg vows to give up drinking and relish every waking moment with his remaining leg. "It was certainly a sobering experience, before today I took being 'legless' for granted. Not anymore!” Meanwhile the hunt continues and the question on everyone’s lips right now is who? when? and where? will the limbputator strike next?
|
|
LOCAL NEWS
New Brunswicker's Love Their Fat, Salt, Sugar
 |
|
Millions of Canadian's love to chow on low end edible garbage. It's abundance is what makes us turn into fat bloated gluttons.
When Adele Bastarache-Hache's family want a treat they reach for anything that contains a potential health risk.
"Usually we eat potato chips, ice cream and cheeseburgers." She smiles handing her two year old son Derrick a plate of fries swimming in melted cheeze and gravy. "My Derrick loves his fries and ice cream pies" Adele continued
Micky Chaisson, Director of New Brunswick's Food Consumption Board said that he had found an awfully high climb in the level of gluttony amongst the general public. "Salt, fat and sugar are a popular choice in today's food chain, add mono-sodium glutomate and you have gourmet junk food - The major financial driving force of this province." Chaisson noted.
"While people love to gobble down deep fried chicken and saturated fat they must also learn to eat in moderation by balancing this with nutritional food such as eating a tomato or two. Otherwise health problems, including weight gain, rectal problems and certain death will occur over time."
Chaisson's picture is a bleak one but Adele, like many other New Brunswicker's dismissed the findings as total rubbish. "It's a scare tactic! Those environmentalists want us to believe cucumbers and carrots are better for you!" She explained that she was looking forward to another fun filled family packed night infront of her widescreen TV chowing on KFC and pizza. "It's a Canadian tradition" She smiled. "no way am I going to change that!"
Flatulent Moncton Couple Sue Landlord Over Eviction
 |
|
Moncton – (AP). A Moncton couple evicted from their apartment last month for being way too flatulent have decided to file a law suit against their former landlord.
Eugene and Betty Froscher who both suffer from debilitating bouts of flatulence were told on no less than three occasions to keep the noise down and to install powerful air freshners. They refused so their landlord served notice.
"I had to evict those people because they were keeping the other tennants up at all hours with what could only be described as deafening farting noises and repeatedly letting foul odours seep from within their apartment". Landlord Jack Ditts explained. "Now I am being made the victim! It's ridiculous!"
The Froschers however see it a little differently. "I agree we both have loose bowels and may have let a few escape on occasion and I agree, sometimes our flatulence caused a little odour but for the landlord to go round telling everyone and anyone that we were a fire hazzard waiting to explode was totally malicious." Eugene stated in relation to their law suit. "He used names like 'The methane twins"', 'the atomic bubble breakers' and 'the farting Froschers' whenever we were in earshot of him, it really hurt." Eugene's wife, betty continued.
Other tennants of the building were amazed when told that their landlord was being sued. "Absolutely stunned" One woman exclaimed. "Those people could be heard two floors up, my walls used to vibrate. We all knew when they had just walked by because the stench was unbearable, dead rats smelled like perfume compared to them!"
Landlord Ditts has vowed to counter sue them for structural damaged and a string of safety violations. "Where would you like me to begin? A cracked toilet bowl, cracks in the wall, stains... the list is endless."
Saint John Addicts Can Now Get Free Heroin, Crack. No Deal For Moncton - Yet!
Three Saint John heroin addicts have started getting their fix for free! Thanks to a government-sponsored study on the effects of controlling hardcore junkies.
It is hoped that the addicts, when high, will function normally and do task orientated things like wash, eat and clean up after them.
For the next two years, the recipients will report to a heavily secured safe injection site in West Saint John, three times a day, seven days a week.
A senior Moncton health official was fuming on learning the news last night. "How come Saint John gets everything and we are just left here to rot!" He exclaimed. A sentiment echoed by many Greater Moncton councillors and city officials. "First they get all the modern heart equipment and we are left screaming and kicking. Now drug addicts are getting their gear free too! Where's our slice of the pie?"
Premier Lord told Monctonians to be patient and to get on with their lives in an orderly manner. "Moncton always cries when other people have the incentive to do something practical. They are seemingly incapable of raising issues or think of solutions for themselves, they never give a second thought about serious issues until someobody else has already beaten them to it!"
Canada Tops Annual 'Unthinking Materialistic Nations' Award
For the second year running Canada has been voted tops of a list of countries where materialism and lack of thought play high in developed regions of the world. The poll studied demography, population, centralisation, retail, entertainment and knowledge of current affairs.
In second place was the USA, narrowly losing to Canada due to their larger wealth and contribution to worldwide influences. Third was great Britain, a small country now showing alarming signs of being swamped by materialism and ignorance.
|
