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TOP STORY
Hub City Provides Warlords With The Perfect Getaway
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Following the recent arrests of a Turkish marshmallow baron and a Quebec cheese importer shocking new claims have surfaced hinting that
Moncton maybe the perfect haven for international dictators and terrorists looking to get that perfect break away from home.
Recently Jeri Adnams, controversial leader of Northern Ireland's Shinn Vein spent a few days relaxing and asking for donations for his glass
blowing factory in Belfast. "It's true I was in Moncton recently" he admitted from his home in County KillBritain. "It's a beautiful City full of blissfully
ignorant people willing to break a leg to assist anyone whatever the reason!" He continued.
It appears people have already forgotten the days when Osyomama Binladen used to sell Lamb Kebabs from his stall on Main St. The popular eatery
was forced to move out when planning permission was granted to build the Chateau Moncton. Angry and dejected Osyomama headed back to
the Middle East. Many believed that this was the beginning of the tragedy
that unfolded with 9/11.
Even more amazing are the allegations made by strip club entrepreneur Fintan O'Phallus. Ask Fintan who recently dropped by his club and you'd
faint with shock. "Georgey Busch and Tory Blare are regulars here!" He exclaimed, referring to the top American dictator and his British brother in arms.
"They wander in here often, like a couple of giggling teenage girls. Tory pinching Busch's bottom and Busch tweaking Blare's nipples. You wouldn't thing these
playful partners were hell bent on oil reserves and mass destruction!"
It certainly seems that Moncton's passive insular way of life certainly does attract the 'crème de la extreme' to coin a phrase. But if this is a haven for hardened
warlords to relax then maybe we could offer peace in the middle east as well as home and abroad!
Woman Slips In Parking Lot
A woman slipped in the Champagne Mall parking lot late Friday night as she attempted to open her car door.
The 43 year old mother of seven fell backwards into the path of an oncoming tractor trailer who took decisive
measures to avoid hitting the fallen woman. As she caught her footing she watched in horror as the tractor trailer
sped past her onto a busy traffic circle collecting many cars in the process. The carnage didn't stop there. Other
motorists seeing the devastation unfold began weaving wildly left and right many of them heading straight for
the mall parking lot. Innocent bystanders were knocked down like ninepins in the chaos. The woman is now facing
forty seven differen't lawsuits and a hefty fine for cars and trucks damaged in the melee. Thankfully nobody was seriously hurt.
A seperate lawsuit has been filed against the rogue patch of ice.
RCMP Reports Very Little Activity In Metro Moncton
Crimes and misdemenours were at an all time low last month according to latest RCMP statistics for the region. There were no reported cases
of theft, domestic disputes or traffic violations. Police were so frustrated by the lack of action that they began randomly stopping drivers to see
if they thought they had been speeding at all recently. To which all drivers responded that they didn't think they had. Random calls were also made
to residents homes to see if they had been victims of any crimes. This led to a wave of angry citizens filing complaints of Police harassment. You win
some you lose some.
Post Office Scale Breaks Down
Many Monctonians were left unable to post their letters, documents and packages Tuesday following a technical glitch with the weighing scales
at one of Moncton's premier postal outlets. As staff desperately tried to solve the problems, some patient customers stood politely for upto 11 hours
braving vertical fatigue and stiffness as they lined up. Hot coffee and donuts where made available for the hungry and the tired. By midnight operations
were finally able to continue. It is thought the fault lay in the weighing machine being not probably plugged in.
Man Buys 27" Inch Flat Screen TV
Horace Buffett became the proud owner of a 27" Inch flat screen color TV yesterday after walking into Mal-Wart and asking the supervisor if he
had any in stock. Luckily there was one left so a delighted Mr. Buffet bought it.
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BREAKING NEWS
Canadian Military Forced To Borrow Office Supplies
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The Canadian Armed forces are so strapped for cash that they are looking to office stationery supplies as a means to defend themselves.
The damming report, leaked by an unknown source reveals that the Canadian military had been in talks with the United States with a view
to 'borrowing' baseball bats, axe's and billy clubs to replace their ageing cache of rifles, bazookas and grenades. Talks allegedly broke down
last November after the US ruled that these weapons were too violent to use.
When questioned about the seriousness of the Canadian
Forces plight Canadian Commander In Chief - Chip O' Cheeks was also at a loss to explain this country's defense dilemma. "Yes we were in talks with
the US army to help us with our financial crisis but talks stalled. However I am pleased to announced we reached a compromise just recently"
The 'compromise' apparently allows US based office stationery firms to 'donate' Canadian soldiers with staple guns, rubber bands and used toilet tubes
as a means of temporary defense. "Ottawa is the root of the problem" Commander Cheeks was quick to point out. "There is no cash reserve for the military
anymore all money has been spent on other resources such as Gun Registry, new call centers and more tax offices! What can I say?"
In light of these appalling developments many young soldiers are now turning their backs on a career in the armed forces and are now taking up positions
in the Alcohol and Gaming industry.
Beth LaRoche Looks At The Artistic Talents Of Sheeza Bairyheaver
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Cap Oranutang, NB—Hailed by some as one of the most inspiring artists of our generation, despised by others as just another
attention seeking misfit there is no denying the extraordinary talents of New Brunswick Impressionist painter - Sheeza Bairyheaver.
Sheeza recently showcased her works at Saint John's festival of art. Capturing carbon copy likenesses of classic paintings by
Rembrandt, Picasso, Van Gogh, Stuart Little and Slackbladder D'Courcy to name a few. Uninpressed? Not when her paintings
are created solely from the phlegm from her mouth. Her phlegm induced masterpieces have inspired her to write a book to showcase
her many other peculiar talents.
"I had a terrible case of strep throat about ten years ago, the mucus had hardened right in the back
of my throat, one morning after a coughing fit I spat all this green, yellow and brown sludge all over my bathroom mirror. It was then I
decided to combine, phlegm and mucus to canvas" she said. "getting the right colors can be tricky. Smoke cigarettes for shades of
brown and black, eat lettuce and cheese for green, eat plenty of salty fish for yellow and so on. The colors are there."
Sheeza recently added nasal discharge to her repetoire, by shooting mucus out of one nostril while holding the other closed. "great
for country scenes" she pointed out. I have to admit looking at Sheeza's work was quite interesting, but watching her paint is postively
a stomach churning experience. Her book "Body Fluid Colors To Canvass" is out now priced $49.99 plus tax.
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