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ASK DR PHILIPPA
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Hi! I'm Dr Philippa Phartnocker. Welcome to my advice column. Each Issue I'll be handing down helpful advice to you all. Whether you need
comfort, reassurance or just a little guiding hand I'm here to deal with you and heal with you.
Barbara In Texas Writes:
My husband has a real nasty eating disorder. I always catch him munching on raw bulls testicles. He eats them
like regular people eat potato chips. I don't know what to do? I've tried locking him in a cupboard and even leaving him on a leash outside when
I got to work but he always escapes and heads straight for the local meat shop!
Dr. Phillipa says:
Sounds to me like somebody is not paying him much attention! Eating bulls testicles can be quite demanding
I'm sure but what harm does it do. My advice to you Barbara is pop a couple in your mouth and suck em and see. What have you got to lose?
I'd rather do that than lose my husband. If you like I can send you a couple of my very own bulls testicles recipes. There's stir fried testicles and
my favourite bull's testicles medley with liver and onions. My prayers go out to you both!
Rolandra In Detroit Writes:
Ah is feerin fawa mah life! Mah husban is an hextra terrestool. He know evre thang ah do you here? Last Wensday ah wen to Bingo and he was
there! Ah meen really there! He tell me alihens is gonna harrest me fawa mah sins. Ah haint go no sins honey! Wassat about huh? C' moan tell me
nah?
Dr. Phillipa says:
Hi Rolandra. Looks like your main problem here is written English. I am truly intrigued to know what a hextra
Terrestool is, I cannot find a reference for it anywhere but I'm sure it's nothing too serious. I see you enjoy Bingo. That's nice. Live a long and
happy life my angel of light.
Jarrett in Gander Writes:
I am an unemployed man from Gander. All my friends make fun of me when we go out because my Mother makes me wear her clothes. We are
poor and have no money. Ever since I wore out the crotch in my pants my mum has got me wearing her collection of floral and ginham dresses.
What do I do?
Dr. Phillipa says:
What a delightful letter Jarrett. Wearing woman's dresses can be a magical thing my dear. It brings out your feminine
side. Ask your mother if she has any silken night slips. I assure you you'll feel a lot mor relaxed about yourself next time your out with your friends.
Don't dispair chipmonk woman's clothes are the least of the Lords problems.
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Gaston In New Brunswick Writes:
I have a confession to make. While I don't condone haviong sex with exotic birds I do rather
like it. Do I need counselling?
Dr. Phillipa says:
No you are perfectly sane. I myself find having relationships with various species of exotic birds to be a
stimulating experience. There is a whole different energy that comes from within. Brazilian showgirls come highly recommended. Oh the
joys of life!
Abigale In British Columbia Writes:
My parents left home when I was 11 years old. Do you think that is why I am serving a life
sentence for mass murder? I need closure so I can move on with my life but I can't seem to get peace of mind!
Dr. Phillipa says:
No my dear you are serving a life sentence because the Lord requires you to do it. You were selected to
randomly kill so you could discover yourself. Now thanks to your incarceration you now have your whole life to seek closure and wonder
on life's true meaning.
Aziz In Toronto Writes:
My wife f@#king smells. She has hairy armpits, hairy legs and she never wears perfumes or deoderants.
She is stinking up the apartment with her odour. It's gotten so bad I have to wear an oxygen mask in bed. I can't live like this. Come on Dr
Philippa help me out here!
Dr. Phillipa says:
Dear Aziz, your wife is probably exploring the wonders of nature's way. Is that a bad thing? If you love your
hairy wife you will choose to ignore this. You will accept her, cherish her and have care for her. If however you suffer allergic reactions from
body odours I suggest using Vic's Vapour rub. It will totally rid any stench you are at ill's with. Put a little faith in your soul troubled one.
Monet In St Anne Le Beau Printemps sur le mer froid writes:
How do you make an Omelette again?
Dr. Phillipa says:
Tu prend deux oeufs et fins herbs. Seems you are really trouble free. However I am puzzled as to why you
would ask me for a recipe on how to make Omelettes. Oh you probably watched my show 'Cooking For Oompah' Yes my brother Dr. Phil
suggested I become Oompah's personal cook. I'll send you my TV cook book, sweet lady in Quebecestershire
FINAL NOTE:
All the stories represented here are from people who you should not take advices from. These people are
at the extreme end of life's chain and all stories represented by them should NOT be acted out or copied in any way, shape or form. Thanks for your letters.
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