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All Terrain Snowmobile Championships Hot Up
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Renous, NB—The annual All Terrain Snowmobile championships are all gearing up
for what is said to be the pinnacle of extreme sports here in the Province. 48 teams and 96 drivers will head up to Miramichi at the end of the
month to begin their mindblowing trek across some of New Brunswick's most inhospitable land.
The contestants will brave snow capped
peaks, heavily wooded forest, Volcano's, ravines and of course the surprise assault course at Renouse's ever popular Penitentiary. The race starts
in Newcastle and ends at Plaster Rock. Inbetween each contestant will have to pit their wits against everything nature can throw at them.
Mike Torche, events organiser explains; "This year we are aiming at less fatalities by having some orange markers pinned along the route. Last year
we just let them get on with it and we still have ten racers who never made it to the finish. Infact one contestant ended up, unbeliveably in the
Bahamas! Not this year everything is clearly marked. However the biggest obstacle will be negotiating The Renouse Penitentiary (Stage 2). Teams
will have to weave and dodge rifle fire from angry prison guards, as well as try to avoid boobytraps set up for escaped inmates. It's all very exciting!"
Indeed it is because only the first ten finishers of Stage 3 gets to sleep in the log cabins situated along the Renous Highway. Other snow bound racers
will face a night of hyperthermia under the stars.
Finally stage four ends at the Plastic Rock National Volcanic site. Snowmobiles have to enter the lava
flow and make their way up to the crater in order to claim thier prize; a trip for two to Moncton with a $25.00 gift certificate at Hairy Helen's Hair Salon.
Polish Boxer Goldilocks charged in brawl
Warsaw, Poland - Imachilikita Goldilocks will face assault charges for punching a man in a brawl in Poland last month. The indictment is scheduled to be
filed in a Egg processing plant on Tuesday. Prosecutor Tzuxziewkizk Piskowliski said Goldilocks punched an unidentified man several times,
causing injuries including a sprained nose, outside a hotel on December 18. Goldilocks was released on bail after questioning, acknowledging that he did punch the man but did not punch him hard enough. Goldilocks has faced trouble inside and out of
the ring since at least 1990, when he fled from Poland to the United States to avoid several assault charges on chickens. Goldilocks is perhaps best known
as a boxer because of his blunders in the ring, including a history of punching his opponents below the belt and quitting a fight
in the second round against American cannibal Mike Tyson in 2000. He returned to Poland in 1998 to face the assault charges, and was fined $7,000.
Goldilocks was also arrested in Illinois for allegedly impersonating a police officer's wife.
Sidewalks off limits at Augusta In Preparation For The Masters
AUGUSTA, Ga— Protesters who intend to picket outside Augusta National Golf Club during the Masters might have difficulty getting close to the club.
Two fast food chains - Munchy Burk's Burgers and Jesse's Rack O' Ribs
intend to demonstrate outside Augusta's gates to protest the club's all-salad policy for the forthcoming Masters tournament.
Richmond County Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane told the Augusta Daily News that law-enforcement officials will `"not even consider the sidewalks around the
Augusta National,'' and that public safety will take precedence over planned protests.
Coltrane said the sidewalks are too narrow and there will be too many pedestrians and cattle on Washington Road to allow a large protest
there. The Masters will be held April 10-13.
F1 Mafia, Mossi and Doldt Hold Secret Meeting
MARANELLO, Italy—FIA president Manni Mossi and Ferrari team director John Doldt met in a
secret meeting at the Italian team's headquarters, the Gazzetta
dello Sportif reported Tuesday. The purpose of the meeting may have been for Mossi to gather support for more cost-cutting proposals that he plans
to make when F1 team officials gather in London next week. Mossi and FIA technical delegate Chuck Whitingnose spent most of Monday in Maranello,
according Gazzetta, Italy's largest sports daily. Ferrari did not deny that the meeting took place. "We don't have anything to say," chief Ferrari spokesman
Luca Cognitivedisorder said Tuesday. Hinting that either he was deaf or the meeting took place in silence. FIA's F1 Commission already voted in sweeping
rule changes in October, with the idea of keeping Ferrari from repeating last season's landslide of 15 victories in 17 races. With Ferrari's German driver
Micky Schirtslapper claiming a record 15 victories, the sport's TV ratings slumped, sponsors griped, two small-budget teams disappeared and several
others flirted with bankruptcy.
Schirtslapper came as close to winning every race as anybody has, becoming the first to finish in the top
three in every Grand Prix. Mossi's ideas for limiting the costs of operating a team are aimed at adding more competition to the sport.
Moncton Wildhats In Name Change Shocker
MONCTON, NB—For seven long years we have been amazed, shocked even tearful at the
magic and mayhem that is our local team; The Wildhats. From hero's to zero's we've delighted in their presence. They've given the community something
other than Mall shopping to do. Now as the season steadily draws closer to the finish so does a chapter in Moncton's sporting history. President and billionaire
buinessman Reggie Servings is about to call time on the team. The flamboyant 50 year old skirt chasing entrepreneur is about to rename the Wildhats.
"Yes it's time for a change. We've had a loosing streak for about three years now and I firmly believe if we change the name the team will gain!" As from
the start of next season the our local hockey hero's will simply be called 'The Wildsocks' No more hats logo's just a pair of bright white socks with a
killer smile. Enjoy the Wildhats while you can sports fans because soon they'll be a distant memory.
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SAVAGE REPORTS...
Why I Like Table Tennis
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I was in Scotland recently. I went to see the Highland Games. I saw a few big brutes in skirts hurl some
trees for fun. Watched in awe at some guys turn a block of wood into Pam Anderson with a chainsaw and marvelled at a man get snapped in half during the Tug of War.
The rest of the day was spent sampling various bottles of Scotch Whiskey courtesy of the hospitality tent.
My host at the games was Haggard McTavish who explained to me the ancient traditional ritual of marriage in these far flung parts. If two women loved the
same man it is said the women would climb to the top of Scotland's largest mountain- Ben Nevis and commence bear breasted in a duel with clubs until the
weakened opponent was knocked clean of the mountain's peak. The woman left standing would claim her man in marriage. Hmm sounds like a lot of fun!
As the games wore on so did my intake of alchohol. After sampling several bottles of Grouse, Teachers, Bells and Glenfiddich I was rushed to hospital where
I spent the remainder of my stay hooked up to a dialysis machine. I totally forgot I was supposed to write a piece on Table Tennis. It's the same as Ping Pong
I guess. Until next time Sports fans...Uncle Jethro is off to the dug out for a stiff drink.
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