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TOP STORIES
Moon Landing Cover-Up Finally Uncovered!
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It was Jazz musician Louie Armstrong not Neil Armstrong that made the 'One giant leap for mankind' back in July 1969 according to top secret documents released by Space Agency Nasa.
According to former Nasa boss Frank Futtock, on the eve of the first mission to the moon, Neil was suffering from several swollen hemorrhoids and had to be replaced by Louie Armstrong.
So much pride was at stake a huge cover-up ensued. People hurriedly turned Neil's back yard into a lunar land scape and sent a film crew there, they then filmed the moon scene in slow motion with Neil bouncing over soil covered trampolines.
Meanwhile as the fake images were beamed into millions of unsuspecting peoples homes Louie successfully landed on the moon and declared " Slap my hide with a large blunt instrument what a wonderful world!" The phrase didn't go down too well with Nasa, so they quickly opted to run Neil's 'One giant leap' eulogy.
Sadly Louie Armstrong has long since passed away, taking with him secrets of the real moon landing. Meanwhile Neil Armstrong was unavailable for comment regarding the truth behind his hemorrhoids.
Saudi Oil Mix-Up Causes Chaos For North Americans
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Millions of motor vehicle users across North America were left stranded at the gas pumps yesterday following the biggest oil mix-up in the history of oil mix-ups.
The Saudi Government were quick to apologize, saying some of their local distributors accidentally sent their empty oil barrels to fruit juice processing plants instead.
The incident did have a lighter side however. Many children were observed across the US and Canada siphoning the gas tanks of stationary vehicles purely for the pleasure of drinking the fruity liquid contents.
US President Geordie Busch however has called for an inquiry into the debacle citing Al-Keeda, a well-known terrorist for dabbling in the affairs of the American People. Canada's Prime Minister was unavailable for comment as nobody really knows who it is.
Van Gogh Painting A forgery
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An historic self-portrait of Vincent Van Gogh, long thought to be of the artist himself
has infact been declared a forgery by a top art forgery expert.
Rene Dubois Hache-Hugo declared the painting a fake yesterday during a live televised antiques show in Saint John, New Brunswick.
The painting owned by a rich businessmen in the area was brought in for an appraisal by the owners butler, stan.
Upon viewing the masterpiece Dubois Hache-Hugo noticed some serious flaws immediately. "The fact that Vincent Van Gogh had a huge black curly moustache didn't help, nor did the fact that he appeared to have a Marlboro cigarette tucked behind his left ear!"
The real defining moment came when Dubois Hache-Hugo looked for the painter’s signature. "The words "Gary" and "2001" were scrawled in black marker pen on the bottom right of the painting. “That sort of concluded it for me." Dubois Hache-Hugo said
The owner of the forged painting has reportedly filed at $2million lawsuit against the so called artist called "Gary".
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OTHER NEWS
Who Said Pigs Can't Fly?
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If you had told Derek and Effie Wipple that pigs could fly they would probably think that there was something wrong with you. Not any more!
The Wipple's had been enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon nap in their two-story Victorian house in Dirt Pond, Nova Scotia when their peace and tranquility was violently interrupted by an ear-shattering crash.
Derek scrambling from his bed looked up and found himself eyeing the rear end of a pig poking through his roof. His wife meanwhile had fainted.
"It was just stuck there! With its arse hanging through our bedroom ceiling" Derek exclaimed. The damage it turned out could have been worse. "If that pig had fallen a fraction to the left it would have shot straight through the skylight crushing us both!"
The 500lb pork chop had been on its way to an undisclosed location in Moncton via a chartered plane along with ten other prime porkers when disaster struck. The plane's underbelly accidentally sheared off dropping the frozen pig carcasses carelessly out of the plane.
There was good news however, a spokesman for Maritime Food Superstores told The Wipples they could keep the prime pig as compensation. "When you have enough meat for a month a little roof repair is the last thing to worry about!” A delusional Mr Wipple exclaimed!"
Celebrity Ventriliquist Outed By His Dummy
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Roy Richards, well known for his one man show 'Butterfingers', featuring his dummy Timmy Chapstick was sensationally outed on national TV last night.
Roy who had been in the middle of a sketch where he appeared to be setting Timmy's hair on fire suddenly passed out. His dummy however did not.
While his master was out cold Timmy began ranting on about Roy having a dark secret. "Roy loves the boys" Timmy rasped, as if overcome by an evil presence. "Roy loves men!" he shrieked. At that moment Roy suddenly awoke and smacked the doll in the face. Timmy screamed, "Your Gay damn it!" before being knocked senseless to the floor.
Roy, clearly embarrassed, excused himself and left the stage. Curiously the puppet continued to speak about Roy's sexual habits. Until a stagehand stepped on its head, silencing it. Roy's management released a statement saying Timmy would no longer be part of his act and that Roy was seeking to replace his dummy with a live ferret.
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