|
|
INTERNATIONAL NEWS
Death Row Inmate In Royal Affair Shocker
 |
|
Serial Killer's Royal Sex Romp Confession
A British born death row inmate, Reggie
'The Pipefitter' Rowlands, convicted in 2002 for killing 97 innocent, law abiding Pipefitting contractors has confessed to having a three year relationship with a prominent
member of The Royal Family.
This jaw-dropping revelation comes just days before Rowlands, 63, is due to be electrocuted by US President Geordie Busch in his
home town of Crawford, Texas.
According to America's most prolific killer, it all started back in1989 when officials at Buckingham Palace awarded him the contract of re-fitting a gas boiler in one of the Palace's bathrooms. "I was going about my business when in walked that bird off the 'Quikkie-Slim' ads". Rowlands recounted. "You know? The ginger one with the large arse!"
. Rowlands went on to say that she made suggestive comments about how 'pumped' he looked and kept winking at him."I thought she had a twitch at first but realised she was hitting on me when she asked if I needed help getting my big tool out".
Rowlands now knows why she was chosen to promote the 'Quikkie-Slim' diet. "I assure you it had nothing to do with food!" he winked. Their relationship was dependent on how much work The Palace gave him.
Eventually he was offered work in the States but ran into visa problems. "I decided one day that if I'm going to get a fair crack at work here the opposition needed to be eliminated.
A spokesperson for The Royal Family would neither confirm nor deny the allegation but hinted that whoever it was no longer lived there anyway.
Police Rev-Up Campaign To Run Down Drunks
Scenes Like This Could Now End In Death For Most Drunks Caught Out On The Streets After 7pm
New Orleans, LA - (AP). In the wake of last Summer's horrific hurricane, Katrina, the N.O.P.D have announced drastic measures to clean-up their crime-infested city.
Mayor Roy Nailem gave the green light yesterday for street patrol cops to run-down, without hesitation, any drunk spotted swaying or staggering along the city's downtown sidewalks after 7pm.
"Zero tolerance is now in effect". Nailem declared in a specially arranged interview with CNN. "Everyone knows about it so don't come back and point the finger at me because somebody didn't know. I know. You know. They oughta know."
New Orleans Police Chief Randy Bowler merely shrugged off the suggestion that this was seen as a drastic measure. "It's Police work man. We are told what to do so we do it. If we see you losing control of yourself and putting others at risk we will run you down. Crime's at a prime baby! We need to clean-up this place!"
Louvre Loses Van Gogh's Bidet
 |
|
Van Gogh's Gold Plated Bidet Before Its Disappearance
Paris, FRANCE - (AP). A 19th century gold plated Bidet that was designed by Auguste Rodin for
Vincent Van Gogh has mysteriously disappeared from the Louvre Museum in Paris."This Bidet is priceless, irreplaceable!" Francois Belvedere, a Louvre Museum Curator
lamented.
Van Gogh famous for paintings such as 'The Sunflowers', 'Olive Trees' and 'Bedroom at Arles' commissioned world famous sculpter Auguste Rodin to
make him a Bidet in 1888 so that he could 'Cleanse his unmentionables' away from the horrors of the poverty that he craved so much of. "Van Gogh would use his Bidet after every painting he finished. It was a ritual of his." The curator explained.
The missing 'Throne' was located in the 'Wash Room' section of the Louvre along with other toilets, bidets and wash basins owned by some of the world’s most prolific artists and pioneers.
Gunman Opens Fire In Toilet Stall
 |
|
The Stall Where The Gunman Struck
TORONTO, ON - (AP). A gunman opened fire inside a busy airport
toilet stall yesterday wounding himself and a male 'acquaintance'.
Witnesses described hearing a girly shriek, then saw a man walking backwards from
the stall. This was followed by several shots. People were seen panicking and slipping on urine covered floors as they scrambled for cover.
Washroom regular Eddie
Brockledammer said he was relieving himself when he heard three loud pops and saw a man tumble to the floor beside him. "Everyone just suddenly spun around spraying each other with their urine. Then in blind panic seemed to slip and slide and topple on top of one another onto the floor", he recalled
Angus Cleanbunns, 43, finally gave himself up to Police four hours later. The gunman sustained a bullet wound to his lower body, the result of a stray bullet ricocheting off the stall wall.
Six other people were taken to hospital suffering mostly from minor cuts and bruises.
Operating Table Found In Woman After Op
MINNEAPOLIS, MN - (AP). A Minnesota woman says she has lost faith in the medical system after the operating table she
was on wound up inside her.
Daisy Wilkens, 47, said she started feeling off colour a few weeks after she was discharged from Hospital following removal of her
appendix.
"I waddled painfully into a walk-in clinic and was told that I could not get an appointment because I was not adhering to their 'walk-in' policy." Painfully
Wilkens then made her way to an after-hours clinic and was told that because it was past midnight it she no longer qualified for an after hours appointment.
Finally
Ms Wilkens was found unconscious in a parking lot by a passer-by and the paramedics were called. A thorough examination revealed that she had a six-foot bacteria infested
operating table sewn into the lining of her stomach.
Ms Wilkens has announced that she plans to take legal actions against the un-named hospital
|
|
LOCAL NEWS
New Brunswick's Hopewell Rocks Damaged In Kayak Collision
Toppled By A Kayak. The Rocks Pictured At Low-Tide Earlier This Morning
HOPEWELL, NB - (AP). The world famous Hopewell Rocks located in the Bay Of
Fundy suffered an almighty blow last night following a freak kayaking accident.
Kayaking enthusiast Sandra Lee Lupin of Moncton was caught in a tidal swell and
found herself being pushed towards the rocks. "I had nowhere to go". She lamented recounting how her Kayak veered head on into the base of one of the infamous 'flowerpot'
shaped rocks. "The rock simply sheered off its base onto the seafloor". Fortunately Sandra ran aground further along the shoreline.
Parks Canada spokesperson Rory Upskirtz saw this as a premature end to millions of years of natural erosion. "It would have happened sooner or later but I would have preferred later". He said.
The Provincial Government is already seeking plans to have the rock secured back on top of its stack before the park opens again next season. "A Large crane and lots of Quick-setting Cement should do it!" Premier Bunjay Cord was quoted as saying.
Remote Controlled Gerbil Goes On Joy Ride Rampage
 |
|
Driven By Remote Control. The Gerbil that Wreaked Havoc On Moncton's Busy Roads
MONCTON, NB - (Local Press). A joy riding Gerbil caused chaos on
the streets of Moncton Saturday afternoon, testing Police resources to the limit.
The chaos started at 6pm when William Massey of Slipnot Crescent reported his
Dodge Caravan stolen. Moments later it was spotted by two parked patrol cars doing 200kph along Mountain Road with its handbrake on. The initial chase proved too much
for the cops. Unable to manoeuvre around oncoming traffic they were both forced off the road and became added fixtures to a drive through restaurant.
The real fun
started when the joy riding Gerbil hit the highway. "Our guys were going down like flies." Corporal Terry Twatting recalled. This joy rider was off-roading, dirt-tracking and sliding all over the highway. The chase finally ended at the Airport where stunned Police opened the driver door to find a Gerbil perched on the gear selector with a radio
controlled device strapped to his head.
"The owner of this Gerbil will be found and charged in accordance of the law!" Corporal Twatting warned.
.
Newfoundland In Sea Cabbage Crisis
 |
|
Millions of sea cabages like the one pictured are threatening to clog up the shores of Newfoundland
St. John's, NFLD - (AP). Coastal communities across
Newfoundland have been reporting a higher than usual amount of Sea Cabbage
migration this year that could threaten the very livelihood of local residents.
"This year the cabbages have moved farther inland clogging up our coves, inlets and
tickles". Bertie Smallwood, head of Fisheries and Ocean's Canada declared.
"It's so bad some of our boats are getting stuck fast in this green soup!"
It's not all doom and gloom however, many of the cabbages are edible and can turn a huge
profit in the Kebab business. Ernie Stopapopoulous, a Greek immigrant says Kebab sales have quadrupled in recent weeks.
"The boys love cabbage in their kebabs, business is booming!" he said.
Whether or not Newfoundlanders coast to coast will warm to the idea of harvesting the Sea
Cabbages remain to be seen but nevertheless with the fishing industry in constant decline these Cabbages might just be break
this often over-looked, cash-starved island needs!
Drinking In Parking Lots Prove Popular
Whether it be a locally brewed beverage or an open bottle of whisky more and more Monctonians are turning to their local
parking lot for their
Friday night booze fix.
Up to sixteen parking lots in Greater Moncton last Friday reported alcoholic-like party atmospheres. Indicating that outdoor drinking is definitely
on the rise.
"We had several complaints from apartment block residents over the weekend complaining of singing, shouting, fighting and urinating", RCMP officer Roberge Conchon
confirmed. "We definitely have a problem that is growing out of control".
Moncton Major Looney Mittens offered some long-term hope. "Winter is setting in. Just see how many jerks are brave enough to get drunk when the temperature hits minus
40C. We'll worry about the drunks in the spring". He declared, brushing aside the topic.
Meanwhile concerned
Residents are urged to put ear muffs on to help stifle the noisy parking lot atmosphere.
 |
|
Atlantic Canada's Rumour Rousing Bore!
Hot Dog
Rumour lovers everywhere will be thrilled to know that this winter is going to be cold according to meteorologists! Yes folks
New Brunswickers will be in for another cold one. I spent hours literally eavesdropping on the chatter that has enveloped our region. From Cafe's to bar’s to restaurants
everyone is talking cold cold and more cold!
Relish And Mustard
Late Tuesday afternoon around 4.15pm when I was throwing out my garbage I overheard two men mention that they were
planning to spent some intimate time together providing one of the young men's parents were out. Well imagine later on that evening as I was walking by the very household in
question with my trusty binoculars I did see these two men engaging in some pretty heavy activities from within the confines of the bathroom window.
Ketchup
Upon opening a bottle of diet Pepsi in a convenience store during a moment of severe thirst quenching desire I observed
what looked like a stakeout in progress. It was not until I read the local paper the following morning that my observations proved correct!
|
