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TOP STORIES
Taliban Re-Group For Arm Wrestle
KABUL —
a renegade pocket of resistance surfaced yesterday when two men claiming to be
Taliban men approached two US Army officers and challenged them to an arm wrestle. The confrontation
was swiftly averted when one of the US officers opened fire killing them both.
Canada's
Queen Of Comedy Dead At 109
HALFPENNY HARBOUR, NFLD— Determined
to the end. That was Edna McMurdy. The all dancing, all singing exhibitionist extraordinaire.
Edna who starred in Canadian classic comedy's such as "Not Now Vicar", "Boys in the Backroom"
and "Grand Banks Bessie" to name but a few will be remembered in the hearts of Canadians
all over Canada. She lived out her last last forty years on an Island in Placentia Bay, NFLD
drinking and fishing most days.
Upset Woman To Sigh
Louder
Moncton, NB— Failing to elicit sympathy or concern
with her first attempt, IT Solutions office manager Odette
LaRoque was forced to re-sigh louder and more plaintively Monday.
"Well, I guess I'll just clear up everyone else's coffee mugs at the end
of the day myself," LaRoque, 43, told staff members before letting out a
second, longer sigh. "Oh, well." LaRoque, who was unable to elicit
any measure of sympathy with the follow-up sigh, is expected to try her
attention seeking tantrum again Thursday this time with her arms folded and significantly more
desperation in her voice.
Mucus Becoming A Problem
SAINT JOHN, NB— Saint John's Mayor has ordered a major clean up
of downtown Saint John and surrounding areas following complaints from residents.
"It's just disgusting" said Cathy Berle, "everywhere you turn there's the sight of thick green
and brown sticky flem clinging fast to the sidewalk! Oh it makes me so sick!" Several
Pedestrian and traffic accidents have been reported as a result of the cold weather
making the mucus hard and dangerous. "It used to be dog turds on the streets, now
it's Mucus! Whatever next!" voiced Agatha Shaugnessy. A ban on spitting in public
has been put into immediate effect.
Cat Eats House
McGuiness Mills, NB—
Pet owners Reg and Rhonda Belcher of Pet Genetics Canada modified their Pet
Siamese Cat Ironside at the weekend with disasterous results. Ironside grew uncontrollably
and as the weekend wore on so did his appetite. By supper time Sunday the whole
living room had been devoured. That's when Rhonda called for help. SPCA catcher
Steve Steven Steeves — "It was something out of a movie! This cat was like 500lbs in weight
and almost 5ft tall! When we arrived it was in the Belchers garage consuming their snowblower!"
Finally after little success The Hillsborough hunting association was brought in to destroy the
animal, but the Belchers insisted of having its head preserved as a momento.
Priests And Vicars Protest At Sunday Shoppping
MONCTON, NB — The Church clergy
went on the offensive yesterday claiming their livelihoods were being ruined as a result of Mayor Ryan Duffy's majority
vote last February to open stores and retail outlets 7 days a week. "For 86 years my Church has been packed to the
rafters!" Priest LeBlanc lamented. "Yesterday I had two people come to my service and the only reason they were there was
because they didn't have a credit card." In fact Moncton has gone shop-a-holic crazy. Ben Laforger
explained the bonus side. "I ran out of Scotch tape, the mall was open I bought some!" Mayor Duffy has
appealed for calm in the Church and has stated that when the novelty wears off he will return to
Mass on Sundays.
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TOP STORY
Local man has four ears
RUNNY
GLADE, NB— 22 year old Basil Wazzcocks is the proud owner of two
sets of ears! Yes that's right. He's got four ears! He is also thought to
be the only living human in New Brunswick with this condition.
Basil is used to the Radar jokes too, but unsurprisingly he has excellent
hearing. "I can hear my mum walking up the street with the shopping" he
sniggered, "I can hear all sorts of things that I shouldn't."
But ask Basil how his eerie condition came about and he'll tell you it was the results
of years playing in the old plastic factory at Dorchester Cape.
"They started as little pink boils growing out of the side of my head. Then the more
I played at the site the more my boils turned into ears!"
Glad to see Basil has a deafening sense of humour
Bridge Concern
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MONCTON,
NB— Private investigator Dick Head has voiced his concerns over the what he calls
"A bridge over troubled water".
Dick who decided to walk the couple of hundred feet from Moncton to the neigbouring
community of Muddyview was appalled at the condition of the bridge. "Its a bloody eyesore
and a bloody disgrace to public services. This bridge is a rusty old deathtrap. No wonder people
fall onto the mud below - there's holes in the wood! The sooner this metal menace is replaced
the better." Dick bawled, clearly angry and upset.
But he has a point. If something is not done soon the thing will collapse. Its a shame that a piece of
Moncton's engineering history has been left to decay in the same way as other historic properties in
Greater Moncton
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