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Click Below for a Printable Version of a Joke: |
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Got Any Crackers
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" The bar tender says, "No." The duck walks out. The next day the duck walks in and asks, "Got any crackers?" The bar tender says, "No" and the duck walks out.
This goes on for about a week. Finally the bar tender says, "I told you already no! And if you ask that one more time, I'll nail your beak shut!" The duck walks out."
The duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" The bar tender says, "No." The duck says, "Good. Got any crackers?"
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The Panda
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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The Burglar
A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all." The burglar sad, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses." "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus"...
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Donkeys Will Kill You
A guy with a donkey walked up to a psychic and asked about his future. The psychic said, "when your donkey farts 3 times you will die." So the man walked along with his donkey and the donkey farted. The man said "Oh no donkey you mustn't fart again". So they kept on walking and the donkey farted again.
The man said "I can't take another chance with this". So the man then shoved a cork up the donkey's buttocks. Then the man felt relieved so they continued walking. The donkey farted yet again, sending the cork flying. The cork hit the man's head with such speed that he was killed instantly.
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The Parrot
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *very* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Designed by Justin Jones
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