Here is my ever-growing collection of some of the best clean jokes that I've come across. To the best of my knowledge these are just jokes and not based on actual facts; so please do not be offended if you have fallen victim to any similar circumstances. At any rate, feel free to send me any jokes that you may have, and I'll post them here as well.

Click Below for a Printable Version of a Joke: Back to Home Page Back to Main Jokes Page The Tour I Feel Better Already The Fearless Captain Mathematician, Biologist, and Physicist Are You Hiring Wind Currents Back to Main Jokes Page Back to Main Page

Home The Tour      A group of people were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real witch, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible -- It's too hot -- It's too cold and the accommodations are awful...      The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."      "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."      "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."      "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.      "No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it." I Feel Better Already      One day, a magic show came to town. The magician asked, "Is there anyone here on crutches?" A man raised his hand and he was called forward. Then the magician called out if there was someone here who had a speech impediment. A man stood, and was also asked to come on stage.      The magician interviewed the two men, and the first said his name was was Bert, and had a sprained ankle and couldn't walk for a few more weeks. The other man struggled to say his name was "Ch-are-ly, und I uve been ike tiss s-ince b-ir-th."      The magician said "Bert & Charlie, go back behind this screen and wait for my instructions." The two went back, and the magician told the audience that they were going to see a miracle! "Bert!" he cried out, "Bert! Throw out one of your crutches!" A crutch came sailing over the screen and onto the stage. The audience "Oooooo-ed." The magician called out louder, "Bert, throw out your other crutch!" and again a crutch flew out onto the stage. The audience "Ahhhhh-ed".      "Charlie!" shouted the magician, more excited than before. "Charlie, say something!"      "Ya-oo b-etter b-ring da k-kr-utches ack, 'n elp B-ert up off da fa-loor!" The Fearless Captain      Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"      The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.      Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although there were more casualties.      Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"      The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."      The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" Mathematician, Biologist, and Physicist      A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.      The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again." Are You Hiring?      A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.      "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."      "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.   Home