James' Story: Chapter 1!!!!

The ship swerved around an asteroid to dodge yet another blast. The projectile instead slammed into the asteroid. The debris from the explosion blew a hole the size of a golf ball on the right side of the ship. Smoke poured out of the hole, and the ship's right engine gave out. The crew now was in peril as the approaching banana peels continued to fire.

"Captain, our right engine's gone and the bananas aren't slowing down," said the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget.

The frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget, along with Vietnam Noodle and his Spatula friend, flew the Styrofoam spaceship Grass. Captain, as he was referred to, sat at the head of the Styrofoam cockpit. He was one of the ancients, his roots (or I guess they're mycelia, right?) long since planted and secured in the soil of the Grass. Captain was one of the last remaining of the wise toadstools in the Bunghole and Meatball Universe. Many of the other toadstools were banished by the evil Zandoreksiventonokali… nevermind. Anyway, they were banished to the Realm of Barney Episodes, doomed in their own happiness, their only escape being Barney's secret weapon, imagination. But, luckily for the inhabitants of the Bunghole and Meatball Universe, Captain had eluded the evil Za… forget about it. He went on with his life, continuing to be a loyal trooper of the Galactic Patrol.

Yet now Captain and his crew were fleeing for their lives, wickedly ambushed by the rebel banana peels, followers of the evil Zandoreksiventonokalimartinesquenbalaron-axkacrodiemobousalturnibo, also known by his middle name, Tim.

A direct hit rocked Grass and blew an even larger hole through the roof. Spatula was sucked through the hole into the vacuum of space.

"Spatula, NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Vietnam Noodle. "Spatula and I have been through our lives together, thick and thin." He now was shouting, "You'll pay for this… Tim!"

Vietnam Noodle threw down his bayonet, semi-automatic laser rifle, four-barreled bazooka, ammo, water canteen, live chicken, rubber ball, uninflated balloon, mitten, frying pan, and other assorted cookware he got from the Salvation Army. Then he pulled on a lever labeled "Escape Pod Deploy" and leaped through the hole in search for his lost friend, Spatula.

"Captain, we must land the craft! It has sustained heavy damage and we're almost out of fuel!" shouted the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget.

"We mustn't leave Vietnam Noodle and Spatula," said Captain.

"But we'll die!" panicked the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget.

"Oh, alright, land the ship on that large asteroid right in that direction," said Captain, pointing out the window into deep space.

"But there's nothing there!"

"Oh. Well, if we keep flying in that direction, I'm sure we'll hit something after a while."

"Why don't we land on that asteroid right there?" asked the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget, pointing out the windshield at an enormous asteroid.

"Okay. Land there."

So the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget, the navigator, left his comrades in space. The banana peels followed the Grass to the asteroid.

Captain looked at the landscape. It was covered with trees and large volcanoes. Then he saw a clearing about a mile long and two miles wide, much larger than needed to land Grass.

"There, navigator, land on that high cliff overlooking the large ocean of lava," said Captain.

The frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget argued, "but Sir there's a perfectly good clearing…"

"Just land where I tell you to land!!!" hollered Captain in a satanic, psychopathic voice.

So the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget circled around and barely landed the craft on the high cliff overlooking the large ocean of lava.

"There we go. Now isn't that better?" asked Captain happily.

The frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget perspired, relieved that they had survived the landing. A tomato came out of his ear and ran into the windshield, making a nice tomato splat. It is said from the writings of the Ancients that when someone who eats a lot of lima beans is really stressed out, a tomato can just sometimes jump out of their ear.

The banana peels soared overhead, angry for losing their target. They went back out of the atmosphere into space and left the asteroid. Just to mention, the chief exports of this particular asteroid were tiny little squishy balls that sometimes can be used as a substitute material to produce tobacco products and chips of limestone used as dental fillings on planet Plum.

Captain and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget opened the emergency exit as soon as the banana peels were gone and jumped out of the craft.

"Well, that's that. Let's go see if we can find a Hardy Burgher or something. I'm starving," said Captain.

"Right," agreed the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget.

"I'm sure Vietnam Noodle and Spatula are safe in space for the time being."

************

Meanwhile, Vietnam Noodle found Spatula hanging onto some of the wreckage of the blast. Unfortunately, Spatula was unconscious and badly bruised. Vietnam Noodle took him to the escape craft he had deployed before leaving Grass. This escape craft was also made of Grade F Styrofoam. Although it had endured a barrage of blasts from the rebel banana peels, it was still able to function.

"Come on, Spatula, we'll meet up with Frog and Captain if we take the escape craft."

And so, Vietnam Noodle and Spatula took off in the escape craft, only to fall into a gaping rip in the space-time continuum, blasting them into the icy hellish grasp of Hellmo! They then proceeded to rot in hellish torture and eternal darnation. Suddenly, through the bleak sky, a troop of winged monkeys, followers of the Herring of the Sea swooped down and freed Vietnam Noodle and Spatula from the evil Hellmo. They then were led by the Magic Mattress through a wormhole back into the Bunghole and Meatball Universe, and landed on a planet inhabited solely by carpet warehouses with lags and semi-complex nervous systems.

Later, on the asteroid, Captain and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget came upon a herd of cannibalistic, communist coconuts. These coconuts were, unlike normal coconuts, mutated abnormally, having fang-filled jaws. Also, perched upon their round coconut heads were blue and white sailor caps. They captured Captain and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget and took them to their village, where their tiny hits were made of Ziploc bags and Campbell's soup cans.

"Well, I guess it all ends here, Frog," lamented Captain.

"We must at least try to escape."

"Okiwan iodo ferenzi hasik conderf!" yelled one of the cannibalistic, communist coconuts mutated abnormally with fang-filled jaws and sailor caps.

Captain and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget followed the leader, who appeared to be chanting something.

"Ervikson, no, aghhhhhh! Ervikson, no, aghhhhhh!"

Captain and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget were then separated. The frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget was shocked to see thousands upon thousands of these beings. All wore sailor caps, all were mutated abnormally having fang-filled jaws, and all were chanting, "Ervikson, no, aghhhhhh! Ervikson, no, aghhhhhh!"

The frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget was put down a chute and found himself in the pit of DOOM!!!! Oh… sorry… and Captain was dropped in a similar chute, landing in the pit of …… cuddly little forest animals who made paper mache and other assorted beautiful things.

In the pit, Captain found rabbits and deer, peaceful squirrels and happy pigeons, all nature busy with their work. Captain was fascinated as these friendly animals came to him and introduced themselves. The animals all laughed and welcomed him to their world of cotton candy clouds and other joyous things.

Meanwhile, in the pit of DOOM!!!!, the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget was surrounded by flames and skulls. Tomatoes flew left and right out of his ears. Giant butterflies flew around his head, and elevator music played in his ears. Frog trembled and freaked out and spun around and around and then he passed out onto the hot burning coals which were sometimes used for barbecue and shish kabobs of mushrooms and vegetables from the gardens in the pit of DOOM!!!!

So, to review, Captain was off with the cuddly little forest animals, Vietnam Noodle and Spatula were off with the Magic Mattress, and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget was trapped in the pit of DOOM!!!!