James' Story: Chapter 2!!!!

Spatula and Vietnam Noodle were shocked at the sight of all the carpet warehouses with legs and semi-complex nervous systems.

The planet they were now on was all carpeted: the trees were carpeted, the lawns were carpeted, fire hydrants, schools, and even cardboard boxes in the carpeted streets, which were used as shelter. Only the cardboard boxes were more appropriately described as carpetboard boxes.

Magic Mattress led Spatula and Vietnam Noodle to a magnificent palace, in the center of which was an enormous carpeted mountain. At the top of this mountain resided the Jolly Green Dwarf, who was very delighted when they arrived, as he did not often have such guests in his carpeted kingdom. He welcomed them in.

"Hello, hello, I am most merry to have you visit," said the Jolly Green Dwarf.

Both Spatula and Vietnam Noodle were uneasy to speak, and looked nervously at the Jolly Green Dwarf. Behind them, the Magic Mattress disappeared and suddenly reappeared next to its master.

"Well, don't be nervous, say what it is you have to say," invited the Jolly Green Dwarf.

"It's just that, well, our companions are lost. We are troopers of the Galactic Patrol. We were being chased by the rebel banana peels, and we must go back to find our partners," said Vietnam Noodle.

Spatula nodded the flat part at the end of his handle in agreement. The Jolly Green Dwarf rubbed his chin, thinking.

"I see… I will send for a fleet of Magic Mattresses to help you find your friends," offered the Jolly Green Dwarf.

"Thank you," replied Vietnam Noodle. Spatula wiggled in gratitude.

The Jolly Green Dwarf explained that the fleet of Magic Mattresses would be a while, and invited them to stay at his splendid palace. Magic Mattress led them away to take a tour.

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The palace itself was made completely of chairs. Thousands upon thousands stacked on top of each other to form walls, columns, and even the domed ceilings. The servants in the palace were thirty-two-sided polyhedrons made of congealed cheese that rode around the palace on flying umbrellas. The guards were made of roadkilled ham and fresher deli products.

"Wow!" expressed Vietnam Noodle. Spatula bounced with excitement.

Also located in the palace was a large piece of wood that just sat there. And every day, all the occupants of the palace came to it, and ate their breakfasts on it, and called it the good log. In front of the good log was something also good, yet no one knew just exactly what it was. Beside the good log and the other good thing, there were two enchanted flying golf balls that flew in the air around each other, sometimes forming pictures. Yet the only pictures they could make were of pickles and beach balls, because they were not as good as the good log or the other thing beside it.

Outside of the palace sat an egg-shaped space capsule. This was not just any ordinary egg-shaped space capsule, but one that contained a giant stuffed koala bear retrieved from the depths of the rainforest in southeast Germany, on planet Earth. The egg-shaped space capsule was decorated all around by small plastic bags filled with cartilage obtained from the knee of an intergalactic kangaroo that was Albert Einstein's great uncle.

"Well, Jolly Green Dwarf, I'm very impressed," said Vietnam Noodle.

"Wait. I have saved the best for last."

He led them down another of the many carpeted corridors and entered into a long hall. On the walls, which were made completely of chairs, hung paintings of Dell Presten working at the deli counter of your local grocery store. There were billions of billions of billions of pictures, as there was a picture of Dell Presten working at the deli counter of every grocery store in the universe.

The Jolly Green Dwarf, Magic Mattress, Vietnam Noodle, and Spatula passed by two more rooms. Each was carpeted and each contained an oar of the ancient ships sailed by the Riders of Tuna. These oars were priceless to the kingdom, for they had the scriptures of the ancient Bunghole and Meatball Universe. They told of the one great power of the Bunghole and Meatball Universe, located at the very edge of it. The one power, the Jolly Green Dwarf revealed to them, was destined to be retrieved by Captain and his crew. This power was the Sacred Cheese of the Riders of Tuna.

Just then, an anvil dropped out of the sky and landed on Spatula.

The end of Spatula's handle wiggled in distress, the only part extending from underneath the anvil.

The Jolly Green Dwarf saw that the anvil had a note on it, signed with the initial T in a large circle.

"Tim!"

"We must get this anvil of spatula," said Vietnam Noodle.

"No!" protested Magic Mattress. " I could be a trap. Read the note."

The note turned out to be fifty pages long and was printed in a size 10 font. Vietnam Noodle lay down on Magic Mattress to read the note.

"Well, Tim is threatening us and says that he has our friends held hostage on Asteroid M," explained Vietnam Noodle.

"The cannibalistic, communist, mutated coconuts control that asteroid," said the Jolly Green Dwarf.

Spatula's handle vibrated in desperation.

"Oh, sorry, Spatula," said Vietnam Noodle. Magic Mattress helped him lift the anvil off Spatula.

"The fleet of Magic Mattresses will be here soon, so we must leave now in preparation for the rescue of your comrades tomorrow," announced the Jolly Green Dwarf.

"What will we travel in to get back?" asked Vietnam Noodle.

"That was the next thing I was going to show you," replied the Jolly Green Dwarf. He led the group to the royal garage, which was exceptionally good. He pressed a button that was unusually shaped like a monkey on the back of a deer. The hatch opened, and there was the Great Ship 2000, parked in royal distinction.

The ship was made mostly of rotten squash and a cheap kind of Belgian brass that could talk.

"Here it is, the Great Ship 2000. This will take us to Asteroid M safely," Said the Jolly Green Dwarf.

Vietnam Noodle and Spatula stared in amazement at the great ship. It was better than any Styrofoam spaceship. Along its sides were two gigantic boxes of laundry detergent filled with special fuel.

"The crew shall be composed of myself, Magic Mattress, you, Spatula, and nine guards," said the Jolly Green Dwarf. "The fleet of Magic Mattresses I sent for will be here within the hour."

Magic Mattress led Spatula and Vietnam Noodle on the ship for a tour. The ship was constructed similarly to the Grass. In the control room were two chairs up front and two in the back. Quarters were located in the middle of the ship and the engine room was below everything. At the back of the ship were found the storage room and a small backup generator.

Suddenly, a giant earthquake shook the ship.

"What was that?" nervously inquired Vietnam Noodle.

"Oh, that was just the giant marshmallow man. He tries to push over the palace every month or so. I tell ya, that giant marshmallow man has had some amazing adventures," said Magic Mattress.

The Jolly Green Dwarf came aboard and told the crew to get to the control room. The nine guards made of roadkilled ham and deli products also hopped aboard and took their seats.

"The fleet has arrived and is ready to follow," announced the Jolly Green Dwarf.

Magic Mattress and the Jolly Green Dwarf took their seats in front, and Vietnam Noodle and Spatula sat towards the back.

"Starting the engine now," said Magic Mattress. "Laundry detergent catalyzing… and we're ready to go."

The ship started down the runway. Suddenly, the Belgian brass spoke in a British accent.

"Hello McGuyver. How are you doing today?"

"Just fine, thank you," replied the Jolly Green Dwarf. He looked at the rest of the crew and blushed, so his cheeks turned brown, he being green.

"Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"

"No, I don't"

"Oh well. Pip pip cheerio!"

The Great Ship 2000 left the planet inhabited only by carpet warehouses with legs and semi-complex nervous systems. They went through the wormhole, the fleet of Magic Mattresses following closely behind. They entered back into the section of the Bunghole and Meatball Universe where Captain and the frog with a wart on his left eye that suspiciously looks like Bob Saget were trapped.

"The plan will be to retrieve your companions while the Magic Mattresses attack the cannibalistic, communist coconuts mutated abnormally… and all that stuff. However, we must first send out a scout to find the exact location of your friends," said the Jolly Green Dwarf. "We will divide into two teams. Team X will be composed of myself, the Magic Mattresses, and Vietnam noodle. Team Z will be composed of you, Spatula. The guards must stay back to protect the ship. Listen carefully, team Z. Your job is to fight your way through the Pits of Doom, and then find your course through the Desert of Death. Your final obstacle will be the giant butterfly's nest."

Suddenly, a flying brick with little white feathery wings appeared in front of the Jolly Green Dwarf's nose.

"It's called the Giant Butterfly's Nest of Unending Torturous Wrath." The brick then disappeared.

"Oh yeah, what he said," said the Jolly Green Dwarf. "Be careful to look out for the Subterranean Intergalactic Lima Beans. You will then find the Lord of Asteroid M, the Bagged Phantom. Accompanying him will be the little tampon thing that follows him around and - the sock. You must find the keys to the prison gates and release your friends. The Magic Mattress will then come to retrieve you. The rest of us will keep guard of the ship during your journey. Be careful, team Z, and may the Cheese be with you."

When they entered Asteroid M's gravitational field, the ship began to be pummeled with a barrage of little oriental exercise balls that ring. The Great Ship 2000, however, resisted the blows given by the little oriental exercise balls (that ring), and retaliated by blasting those little pumpkins and weirdly shaped gourds that nobody ever buys too many of at farm stands. Each of these small vegetables actually contained a hand grenade.

"Hurry, team Z! Time is short!" shouted the Jolly Green Dwarf over the blasts.

Spatula was let off by a rope and given a walkie-talkie. Unfortunately, it was made completely of rubber and could neither transmit nor receive. In fact, it really couldn't do anything except bounce off walls if it was thrown at them.

Anywho, he was also given a light saber, more commonly known today as a fluorescent light bulb. Unfortunately, it did not function effectively as a weapon, since it was one of those fluorescent light bulbs that looks like a skinny inner tube with a couple of sticks forming an X at the center.

Once Spatula touched down on Asteroid M, he was immediately attacked by the merciless Grapes of Jimmy Hoffa. He fended them off with his fluorescent light bulb. After fighting his way through the Pits of Doom, where the Grapes of Jimmy Hoffa reside, he approached the Desert of Death. He knew he was there, because there was an immense neon sign floating overhead the read, "Welcome to the Fabulous Desert of Death!" It was not suspended by anything; it just floated there.

He wandered through this sandy realm, and was just at the peak of the single enormous sand dune that comprised the Desert of Death, when he was ambushed by an alien species of Snuffolupugusses, which may also be written more correctly as Snuffolupugi, but the authors of this story really don't know. Anyway, these Snuffolupug… um, well… you get the idea, were wearing straw hats and sipped an unusual green liquid. They attempted to capture Spatula, but he fended them off with his fluorescent light bulb.

Finally, Spatula reached the Giant Butterfly's Nest of Unending Torturous Wrath. He unsheathed his fluorescent, inner tube-shaped light bulb and swung at the sticky web blocking his path. It stuck to it. Trying to pull his light bulb back, Spatula fell into the web and became entangled. As he struggled to release himself, the sticky strands wrapped ever thickly around his wiggling handle.

Suddenly, the Subterranean Intergalactic Lima Beans appeared from over a rift in the ground. They looked murderously at their pitiful prey.