Dear Dizza is recognized and accepted as a somewhat skilled counsellor for Late Night Addiction. Her experience includes, but is not limited to, weeks of intense education and training in coping with the devastating but fun effects of Late Night Addiction, which she herself openly admits to having.
Her advice is sought out by thousands (well, at least sixteen people anyway, but potentially it's thousands) and she welcomes your pathetic cries for help as she "leads you down the Conaningly-crazed path to a happier-yet wackier future!"
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Dear Dizza,
I'm dating a guy right now who hates Conan O'Brien. I'm trying to deal with it as best I can. At first he was all like "O.K. fine, I'll go to a taping of the show with you." But now he told me he's changed his mind and won't go. He won't even watch Conan with me. Maybe he'll gradually get used to Conan? What can I do to make him like the show? I love him, but I love to watch Conan O'Brien too!
From Keep Him Conantastic
Dear Keep Him Conantastic,
Don't "Keep Him"!! DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM NOW! Again going back to my reply to an earlier letter from someone in your situation, let me say this:
Ask yourself: How can a meaningful and lasting relationship be built on this shaky foundation of SEPARATE COMEDY VALUES??? It just can't be done. I can see by your letter than you're thinking, "I can change him." DON'T BE FOOLED!! Wake up before it's too late.
He seems to have had time to learn to accept Late Night into his life, but it's obvious it's of little importance to him. CAN YOU LIVE WITH THAT? Are you willing to give up the comedy of Conan O'Brien that your life now revolves around? Please don't ignore this important issue. The choice is up to you!!
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Dear Dizza,
I have a bumper sticker on my car that says, "I brake for Ostriches." Is there something wrong with me???
Late Night Lesley
Dear Late Night Lesley,
You have what we trained professionals refer to as "TOMORRYITUS SYNDROME." I hope it helps you to know that I too have been diagnosed with the same condition. In my case I feel a compelling urge at least once or twice a week to run into my kitchen, crack a large egg in a bowl and then begin to search for a list of upcoming Late Night guests!
Lesley, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. A fast growing number of people are afflicted with TOMORRYITUS SYNDROME and can still lead an active, Conaningly-crazed life.
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Dear Dizza,
This is way embarrassing. The 411 on my problem is that I can't stop laughing at Late Night skits and monologue jokes whil I'm having sex. It first started when Conan showed that skit where he went to Cologne, Germany. In the skit he said that the city was formerly known as "AFTERSHAVEN"! I couldn't stop laughing at that, even now when I'm writing you with this heinous problem I'm about to wet myself. So, that night after watching, I laughed solid for two hours and later in the morning I had sex with my boyfriend, got distracted and started laughing. Now he thinks it's his problem too and he won't have sex with me anymore. I love him and I don't know what to do.
Horny in Houston
Dear Horny,
Believe it or not, you've helped to diagnose yourself with the key words: "got distracted." I'm sure all your tests will come back showing you test positive for CHROLATE NITEDIST (Chronic Late Night Distraction.)
Laughing uncontrollably at inappropriate moments due to flashbacks of a Late Night monologue or skit is just one of the many common symptoms of CHROLATE NITEDIST. Other Symptoms may include:
Feel free to contact me for the full list of CHROLATE NITEDIST Symptoms, and tell your boyfriend he'd better learn to cope with this because there is no known cure!
Dear Dizza,
My girlfriend who happens to be a Late Night fan is making me take this stupid personality test. She over-analyzes and reads way too much into EVERYTHING. I'm really scared krunkless to answer the questions. Can you help me with this one: If you were a kind of fruit, what kind would you be? The answer could make or break my relationship Dizza. Help me.
Scared Krunkless in Kingston
Dear Krunkless,
Steal..... I mean "borrow" your answer from the great Andy Richter himself! Here is his answer to what type of fruit you should be:
"Something exotic...with a hard exterior but a soft fleshy inside...a pleasing aroma, and tiny little seeds...that are easily choked on."
That'll give her something to analyze!!
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Dear Dizza,
My boyfriend caught me making his Christmas present and he's not talking to me. I was using fabric paints to draw Conan characters on some fabulous, expensive designer underwear. I thought it would be cute and fun, but he just doesn't get it. What's up with him?
Bewildered in Brookline
Dear Bewildered,
Wave adios to that boyfriend of yours and go make a fortune with your Conantastically brilliant idea to create Conan characters underwear!!! And could you please let me know when I can place an order?
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Dear Dizza,
There is a really cute girl at my school and I'd like to get to know her better, if you know what I mean. She's like, totally H.O.T.T. Hot! And I know she is a Conan fan because I saw her wearing a baseball hat with the logo on it. If she's got a crush on the big red one, how can I get her to notice me?
Invisible in Indiana
Dear Invisible,
You won't be invisible any longer if you copy your moves from the great Conando himself. First, make eye contact with her. When she sees you, follow Conan's steps:
(It's important to remain in that frozen position until she either tells you she is wildly attracted to you or she starts to run away, screaming in horror.) Please let me know how you do!
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Dear Dizza,
Quite often I go skiing and I wear a red outfit. After I broke my leg in the first week of Ski season my friends started calling me 'Loser at the Ski Slopes' and it's really annoying the hell out of me. How can I make them stop?
Marc, Aspen, Colorado
Dear Marc,
It seems to me, it's your attitude that needs changing. Why be annoyed to be known as Loser at the Ski Slopes? Use your new found title for all it's worth!
Enjoy your popularity!
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Dear Dizza,
I have a problemo. The relative I adopted for the Christmas holidays after seeing the Unwanted Relatives Drive has started fighting with the one I got during Thanksgiving, who never left. It's not even Christmas yet. How can I get through the holidays without cracking up?
Anon
Dear Anon,
Try getting them to sit down quietly and play games together. What better way to keep them busy for hours than AN OLD FASHIONED STARING CONTEST? If that doesn't work.......remember the other "fun" game......THE TOURNAMENT OF DEATH??? I'll say no more.
Dear Dizza,
I'm like WAY obsessed with Tommy Blacha - The Gaseous Wiener. I think that he's like way cute for a guy who dresses up as a giant flatulating hotdog. However, I heard that he wasn't going to do the wiener again and I'm terrified I'll never see him again. How can I cope?
Obsessed in Oregon
Dear Obsessed,
The Gaseous Wiener discovered fame and fortune when he was given the leading role as Biff Loman in Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" on Broadway. Conan himself helped pave the way for his success by allowing Late Night audiences to view Gaseous in a memorable scene from this acclaimed play. Being visibly moved with emotion by the Gaseous Wiener's acting, Conan was seen wiping away the tears from his eyes.
Because of his memorable performance on Broadway, I'm sure we'll be seeing much more of the Gaseous Wiener as he continues his successful acting career
Best Wishes Gaseous and Break A Leg! (Woops.....maybe not!)
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Dear Dizza,
I'm worried about my cat. I think he might be smoking. There are little tell tale sings, like for example, he has the smell of smoke on his fur and his breath, and he's a little agitated if I don't let him out. I know he thinks he's cool, but he's too young. He's only nine months old, not to mention the possible health risks. Help me Dizza. What do I do to make him stop?
Worried in Washington
Dear Worried,
Aren't we thankful that Conan warned us of the Tobacco Industry's Settlement to get all our poor kitties addicted to cigarette smoking? They're supplying them all the cigarettes they want, so don't blame your little kittens. Give them all the love and support they need.......and get them started on a Nicotene Patch for Felines as soon as possible. Ask your local veterinarian for more details.
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Dear Dizza,
I love Conan and the show so much that I need to express it with a fashion statement, but something different other than just a sweatshirt or a cap. What could I do to make me stand out in a crowd as a true Conanite?
Costumed for Conan
Dear Costumed for Conan,
Why not join the rest of us in setting the newest trend for the coming summer season in beachwear? Here are two good choices:
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Dear Dizza,
I totally overhauled my wardrobe when Conan told us that brown is the "new black." Brown is so not my color. I look like an idiot. It doesn't suit me. I have no money left to buy new clothes now. So am I destined to wear brown for the rest of my life? What can I do?
The Brown Dandy
Dear Dandy,
Yes, until further notice from Conan....stick with brown. I'm assuming by your name that you saw Conan in his movie epic "The Brown Dandy". It inspired so many of us. You might want to follow his character's example and arrange to have an unfortunate accident with a large bottle of brown dye. Hopefully, you'll be left with eyes that see only brown and then you won't have to worry how idiotic you look in brown.......because to you, everyone else will seem to look the same way!! And then you'll look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Ah brown! Beautiful brown."
Dear Dizza,
I love it when Conan sings my baby to sleep with his lullabies. It works. I wish Conan would sing more lullabies because my baby cries a lot during the show and nothing else seems to put him to sleep. Are there any songs you could recommend singing to him Dizza? I need to watch Conan without the constant screaming. Help!
"From a new Mom in Massachusetts"
Dear New Mom,
Let's get you some help!! Here is Conan and Andy's "Hide & Seek" Song that was featured during their Time Travel Week. Try singing this to him. I'm sure it will work just as well.
"Just another slumber party after a Friday show
A bedtime game of Hide & Seek
Hurry! Come on! Let's go!
Conan and Andy thought they knew a perfect place to hide
A scary old room they heard about
Told never to go inside!"
Yes, the lyrics could be a little frightening, and the next verse is even scarier, but like Conan sings, "It's a funny thing you know.... Their comprehension is very low. It doesn't matter what you say....." So try it. I'm sure it will work just as well.
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Dear Dizza,
I'm an alien. No really. I know you'll just laugh, but I swear on my left tentacle that I am, indeed an extraterrestrial biological life form. I drink green milk, coloring it with food dye. That's weird even to aliens - who like their milk as nature intended - semi-skinned and white.
SpaceWhore in Sirrius A
Dear SpaceWhore,
Welcome Intergalactic Friend!! (Or should I say,"Nanoo-Nanoo.") I raise my hand to you with the universal Vulcan gesture for "Live long and prosper!"
I'm sure I speak on behalf of all the Late Night Fans out there reading this when I say we always knew there was intelligent life in the universe besides us, and we knew it would be the comedy of Conan O'Brien that would UNITE US ALL!!!
Since you mentioned milk, as a sign of friendship and peace, won't you join me in singing a verse from Conan O'Brien's "Down 'N Dirty" Rock song about milk?
"Give me anotha'
Give me anotha'
Give me anotha'.........glasss of milk.......Pleeeeeeeze Momma!"
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Dear Dizza,
Am I sick? I have become so obsessed with my desk at work, secretly waiting for Conan to take me for a desk drive. What can I do?
Desk-Demented
Dear Desk-Demented,
Listen to me! Say it with me," I AM NOT SICK." There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. Just be careful. Have your desk tuned up regularly by a good desk mechanic and of course follow all safety rules, remembering to park ONLY in areas with clearly marked "Desk Accessible" signs!
Dear Dizza,
I love your column. My Sunday routine begins by stuffing my face with a big bowl of Conie O's and kicking back with "I Said Nee-Ha". I head straight for the Dear Dizza column. You inspire me to such heights of greatness.
As you can probably can tell by now I am a typical fan of Late Night with much too much time on my hands so I'd like to find out the best Late night activities in NYC. Wahoo- make it wild. I need it to be "legally too much fun."
From Mark O'ComeOnLet'sGetLateNightCrazy
Dear Mark O'ComeOn,
"Legally too much fun", huh? O.K., you asked for it. Here's the top choices for best Late Night activities in New York City:
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Dear Dizza,
Any recommendations on how I can control my inner hostility against the cruel society that controls our every move?
Hostile Hank in Houston
Dear Hostile Hank,
Contact your local cable company and demand the "Punch Someone In The Face" channel. That will help to release some of your aggression! Good luck!
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Dear Dizza,
I think Jimmy Vivino of the Max Weinberg 7 is totally H.O.T.T. Hot!!!!!! I keep dreaming that I am alone with him in a small rowboat on a lake. He is playing a beautiful guitar and singing to me. Do you think this is O.K.?
Sincerely Yours,
Just Jimmy 4 Evuh
Dear Just Jimmy,
Actually, NO......I don't think this type of dream is O.K. So change it quick. Make the "small" rowboat big enough for a LARGE GROUP OF THE REST OF US. Then please move over and make some room for me!
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Dear Dizza,
Any thoughts on what Conan will be pursuing five or ten years from now?
An Enquiring Mind from the middle of nowhere
Dear Enquiring Mind,
Good question. Hopefully Conan will fulfil the goals he has set for himself which he mentioned in his AOL Chats. So my bet is that in five or ten years we'll find him "pursuing his real passion: Jazzercize" ...... and "not resting until he has his own line of leisure-wear."
Dear Dizza,
Is it possible to be a fan of Late Night with Conan O'Brien and be a new parent too? Advice?
New Mommy From New Jersey
Dear New Mommy,
Sure it is! But be prepared. Kids do get sick a lot. Here is some advice from the great Conando himself. I'm sure it will help you:
Conan suggests building a separate "Vomit House" for your children, and here's how it would work: You strap your child into a giant tube and then fire him or her into the Vomit House. There they can be a sick as they want to and fill up the Vomit House while you remain a happy Mommy!
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Dear Dizza,
Late Night is so funny that everytime I watch it I have to vomit in my seat. Sometimes I manage to get to the window, but that has brought me great trouble with my landlord. What should I do?
Nauseous in Nassau
Dear Nauseous,
Nasseous in Nassau meet New Mommy from New Jersey!! New Mommy, when the Vomit House has been built, let Nauseous know. I'm sure you two can work something out!
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Dear Dizza,
I'm from Switzerland and I work for Ricola. Now that Conan said Ricola was from Denmark, should I change my nationality?
Bewildered in Basle
Dear Bewildered,
Of course!! Being a Late Night fan, do you think you have a choice? You have to change your nationality now!!
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Dear Dizza,
To get that Conanesque look, should I use a No. 5 Hazelnut or rather a No. 12 Copper rinse?
Colorful in Cologne
Dear Colorful,
I hear the No. 12 Copper rinse works well. Then make sure you never get tan. Tans are OUT! The WHITE FRECKLED LOOK is in!! That should make you completely Conanized.
Dear Dizza,
I just found out that our local TV station is showing reruns of the old episodes of "The Simpsons" that Conan produced. Do I have to watch even though I don't really like the Simpsons?
From Wehleidig in Weil
Dear Wehleidig in Weil,
Of course you do!! And shame on you for even asking such a thing. As part of your punishment for asking this question, you have to copy these phrases 100,000 times on your chalkboard as Bart Simpson does:
1. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
2. I will not prescribe medication.
3. Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
4. Tar is not a plaything.
5. I will finish what I sta
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Dear Dizza,
I have trouble expressing myself when it comes to explaining to people how much I love watching Late Night With Conan O'Brien. I love this show, but when I try to tell that to others I sound like an idiot. Can you help me express my feelings better, to show how much this show means to me?
Fan from Florida
Dear Fan from Florida,
Sure!! I'd be happy to. How about saying: Watching Late Night has changed my life. I went from this,"Ooooh, ooooh, ooooh!" to this....."Ah- HAH!!! Ah-HAH!!!"
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Dear Dizza,
The Max Weinberg 7 ROCKS! How can we get them to do an album together?
Yours Truly,
The Weinberg WONDER BOY
Dear Weinberg WONDER BOY,
Funny you should write to me about this. We recently had one of our newest Late Night Addicts on the NBC Message Board on AOL describe a Symptom of Late Night Addiction that I think would help to answer your question.
He posted, "When you pass by Max's Sony Billboard you are mysteriously drawn to bowing down before it ritualistically. Then you feel his powerful stare and could swear he's following you with his eyes."
So, to answer your question about the Max Weinberg 7, keep bowing before Max's billboard and say a silent prayer. After all, he's the "Mighty Max", the all-powerful one. Then wait for that album!!
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Dear Dizza,
I love Andy. I just want to give him a big hug when I see him. I want to know, besides the stuff about him on the internet, where else can I go to learn more about him?
Andy Fan from NJ
Dear Andy Fan,
As Andy has mentioned before on the show, he's written "THE SCARS I'VE SEEN", a tell-all book about what the celebrities look like from Andy's angle sitting next to them. It's fascinating!
I think there might also be a self-help book in the making. If you remember, Andy was featured on the cover of People Magazine and the article dealt with his spending addiction. Sadly, his entire lifesavings was spent on Hummel collecting. Rumor has it that the book will deal with how he finally took control over his Hummel Addiction and put his life back together. I'm sure it will be inspirational for all of us.
Dear Dizza,
What gift can I give a girl who likes Max Weinberg? I need it to spell L-U-V.
From The LuvMan
Dear LuvMan,
What about a copy of Max's poetry collection? Now THAT spells ROMANCE!!
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Dear Dizza,
Do you sometimes think the show goes a little too far? Like when Max said, "Here's where I buried the bodies of people I didn't like." Or "Why does every romantic relationship have to end in grisly murder?"
Right or Rong from Florida
Dear Right or Rong,
Nah......As Conan said in a recent interview, "I still believe in moral absolutes. Murder, for instance, is wrong.... unless it helps the show."
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Dear Dizza,
I thought things would get better when my girlfriend stopped being so obsessed with Conan O'Brien, but now she's become obsessed with THE BAND, especially LaBamba and Jimmy Vivino. Help! Does this make any sense? It doesn't to me!
Baffled Brian in Buffalo
Dear Baffled Brian,
I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for you and your "situation." It makes PERFECT sense to me. Now just go play the JIMMY FACTOR GAME with your girlfriend and stop your complaining!! (Don't forget to score an additional 50 points if you can name a song the MW7 plays. )
**Dear Dizza would like to thank Late Night Addict Mark for using his "Symptom 210" of the OFFICIAL LATE NIGHT ADDICT SYMPTOM LIST. **
Dear Dizza,
I'm trying to think of where I would like to go with Conan if I could travel anywhere in the world with him. Any ideas?
Tricia
Dear Tricia,
What about London?......Think about the excitement you could have as you hear him say to all the English, "Blimey Guvnuh.....Want to 'ave a chimney sweep? 'Ow about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Blimey! Ah-low there! Ah-low MATE!"
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