"To stop all the skinny jokes, Calista Flockhart puts on 400 pounds. Unfortunately, everyone else puts on 800 pounds and the ridicule begins anew."
"The number '3' will be outlawed, thereby making all omelettes either too large or too small."
"The film 'The Matrix II' is released, containing the most amazing special effects to date, including an unbelievable scene where it appears Keanu Reeves can read."
"Charles Manson is finally released from prison when the parole board cannot satisfactorily answer his question 'What makes me any worse than Joan Lunden?'"
"Crayola Crayons will be forced to change the name of its crayon 'Burnt Siena' when Dodgers catcher Carlos Siena spontaneously bursts into flames."
"Cattle will run wild in the streets when all cowboys quit their jobs after realizing that wearing chaps is kind of 'gay.'"
"Sick of women throwing their underwear at him during concerts, Tom Jones announces his retirement, and records a final blues-based album entitled 'I'm Tired Of Inhalin Dem Old Biddies' Stink."
"Still despondent over her breakup with Andre Agassi, Brooke Shields vows to throw herself into her work and make her show 'Suddenly Susan' somewhat less horrible."
"One of Pamela Lee's breast implants will burn itself on the stove while making dinner. Meanwhile half a continent away, the other implant will feel pain in the exact same spot."
"Doctors will use onomatopoeia to rename all medical conditions. Diarrhoea will be known as buggity blap blap verslatch."
"After hearing that Celine Dion is taking two years off to have a baby, the American listening public tries desperately to impregnate Kenny G."
"Soon after the country's most beloved TV personality is killed in a sky diving accident, industrious fans turn tragedy into opportunity by opening Oprah Crater Park."
"At the stroke of midnight in the new millennium, actor Ben Affleck will grab the microphone from Dick Clark, look into the camera and say, 'Wake up America, I'm a dope.'"
"Two billionaire balloonists successfully circumnavigate the globe setting a new record not for distance but for number of people who don't care."
"Monica Lewinski's famous blue dress will be sold at auction to an evil industrialist who will use the DNA to clone his own army of horny, lying rednecks."
"In an official policy change, mob hit men will no longer give their victims the 'Kiss of Death', but the far more pleasurable 'Hummer of Doom.'"
"Tired of all the skinny jokes, Calista Flockhart decides to eat a 25-pound steak on national television. Unfortunately she forgets a knife and has to cut the meat with her elbow."
"An angry and embarrassed ozone layer will slap American scientists with a 20 million-dollar libel lawsuit for 'The demeaning and degrading discussion regarding the size of my hole.'"
"Mark McGwire will become the richest man on earth, when he finally learns to tie a string to every ball he hits."
"Oprah Winfrey will finally quit her daytime talk show, and devote all of her time to her favorite cause - pancakes."
_____________________________
ANDY
"For security reasons, the government will declare it illegal to say numbers out loud. And the singing of numbers will be punishable by death."
ANDY
"The lamb shall lie down with the lion. The lion shall lie down with lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action."
ANDY
"Gillette develops its sharpest razor yet. The first blade shaves your beard, while the second blade shaves your other beard."
ANDY
"During his last days in office, while enjoying a hamburger President Clinton accidentally eats his own hand. Moments later, he eats his other hand. Only this time... it was no accident. "
ANDY
"Thanks to new telephone technology, call waiting will no longer involve hearing a little click, but rather, feeling a little tongue."
ANDY
"Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'"
ANDY
"Computers will finally be able to simulate human feelings. Unfortunately, the only one they choose to act on is 'horny.'"
ANDY
"Pigs will convert to Orthodox Judaism but, shockingly, will begin eating pork."
ANDY
"In a legendary marketing blunder, Kellogg's will replace the two scoops of raisins in Raisin Bran with two scoops of Milton Berle. "
ANDY
"Penguins will begin having senior proms, but will surprisingly still rent tuxes."
_____________________________
ANDY
"Man will devolve back into apes, while apes will evolve into man. Women will not be affected."
CONAN
"A bitter Richard Gere will turn his back on Buddhism after his former friend, the Dali Lama beats him out for the lead in American Gigolo 2."
ANDY
"The planets Jupiter, Mars and Neptune will suddenly stop spinning when they realise they can get just as strong a head rush sniffing glue."
CONAN
"God will schedule a press conference to announce the firing of Jesus and the hiring of Jet's coach Bill Parcells."
ANDY
"Movo introduces it's safest automobile yet. Upon impact, Anna Nicole Smith springs up from underneath the dashboard, pushes her breasts in your face and squeals, 'I love you daddy.'"
CONAN
"After a combined 134 years in broadcasting Mike Wallace, Morely Safer and Andy Rooney will finally leave 60 Minutes - to join the Rolling Stones."
ANDY
"Zoologists will finally figure out why pandas in captivity refuse to mate. They're holding out for a three-way."
CONAN
"Television talk shows will become so hilarious that people stop watching them for fear of literally dying of laughter. At least, that's the excuse I'm planning for piss-poor ratings."
ANDY
"A new monument in Washington is dedicated to former President Clinton. It will be identical to the Washington Monument, except for one striking difference, an unusual bend in the middle."
CONAN
"America realises that Jenny McCarthy is more than a big-breasted blonde with goofy facial expressions and finally begins to appreciate her dynamite ass."
_____________________________
ANDY
"The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life."
CONAN
"To simplify police work, a new federal law will require all know sex offenders to change their name to Kennedy."
ANDY
"The drinking age is lowered to three, in order to quote 'Keep the little bastards quiet!'"
CONAN
"A retired President Clinton will write his memoirs and be sued for plagiarism by Wilt Chamberlain."
ANDY
"Mormons will decide that their religion is too strict and will begin drinking coffee, the occasional beer and the blood of the elderly."
CONAN
"The public demand that the NBA expand to a 52 week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make lame movies."
ANDY
"Space aliens will come to earth intending to deliver a message of universal peace and wisdom. Unfortunately they land on the stage at Def Comedy Jam and end up only telling jokes about how big their women's booties are."
CONAN
"China's overpopulation problem will reach new levels when people discover what an exceptionally pleasurable lubricant duck sauce is."
ANDY
"Scientists will discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion. It doesn't like Scottish people."
CONAN
"The world is rocked when Colonel Sander's secret recipe is discovered to be; one part salt, one part sage and the gayest chicken that money can buy."
_____________________________
ANDY
"God at last reveals himself to humans, who are shocked and appalled by his really bad comb-over."
CONAN
"Jerry Seinfeld will leave television for a career in movies, forcing NBC to change their Thursday night slogan from 'Must See TV' to just another night of crap!"
ANDY
"In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonalds will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets."
CONAN
"The Spice Girls will once again be famous when MTV's The Real World decides to focus on five middle aged, out of work skanky hags."
ANDY
"The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice."
CONAN
"Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big breasted nympho chearleaders' and replaces it with 'big breasted nympho ecconomists.'"
CONAN
"Iraq will become the most powerful nation in the world thanks to their new leader, coach Bill Parcells."
ANDY
"Superstrong fertility drugs will again cause Bobbi McCoy to give birth to seven babies. Only this time four of them will be pregnant."
CONAN
"An elderly President Clinton will become so stooped and bent that no one will be able to tell him apart from his penis."
_____________________________
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