200 OFFICIAL SYMPTOMS OF LATE NIGHT ADDICTION:

PREAMBLE: We, the people who call ourselves Late Night Addicts, in order to form a more perfect Union of Late Night fans, establish justice, insure domestic tranquillity, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Official Late Night Addict Symptom List for Conan O'Brien and Late Night Addicts throughout the world.

1. You lie about suffering from insomnia to explain your behavioral pattern of rushing to the TV at exactly 12:35 a.m. (Dizza)

2. You go through copies of Road & Track Magazine because you think there might be a reference to Conan driving the desk. (LesleyG456)

3. You secretly lock yourself in the bathroom, put on a black robe, turn out the lights and shine a flashlight in your face to see what you'd look like IN THE YEAR 2000! (Dizza)

4. Your breakfast routine: Drag yourself out of bed, stumble to the kitchen, grab an egg and crack it in a bowl, and then look down to find the list of tonight's guests. (Dizza)

5. You catch yourself adding "Ah, Sweet" when you drink water, tea, etc. (Amymcdem)

6. You become obsessed with the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle because you want to know all about the man named after Conan. (LesleyG456)

7. You're starting to see Conan's face in those Elvis paintings that people sell on the sidewalks. (Amymcdem)

8. Your idea of fun? How about an "old fashioned staring contest"? (Dizza)

9. Before you go away on business, you obtain the TV sections from the foreign papers to make sure you'll still be able to watch Late Night while you're out of the country. (LesleyG456)

10. Tan? Who wants to be tan? Tans are OUT! The WHITE FRECKLED LOOK IS IN!! (Dizza)

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11. While baby-sitting your neighbor's kids they ask you to tell them a great story. You start singing:

"Just another slumber party after a Friday show
A bedtime game of hide and seek - Hurry! Come on. Let's go!
Conan and Andy thought they knew a perfect place to hide
A scary old room they heard about, told never to go inside." (Dizza)

12. You take your DESK into the auto mechanic to have it tuned up for the summer months ahead. (Amymcdem)

13. While out of the country you scan every page of the foreign papers (even though they're all in French) to look for a mention of Late Night. (LesleyG456)

14. You call Triple A on your cell phone and tell them that your DESK has died in the middle of the interstate. You hear "Stalled DESK on I-70 causing big delays both North and South-bound." (Amymcdem)

15. You requested tickets from NBC to a taping of ANDI. You wonder why they don't respond. (Dizza)

16. You go to a lot of post offices looking for the "Love...and other feelings" stamp series. You ask why they don't keep a better supply of the SNOOTINESS stamp. (Dizza)

17. You take it as a personal insult when the TV section doesn't list the show's guests for the night. (LesleyG456)

18. Bumper Sticker -> "I BRAKE FOR OSTRICHES" (LesleyG456)

19. You memorize when they show ads for Late Night: The 3rd or 4th commercial during the 3rd commercial break during the Tonight Show and the 2nd from last 6th commercial break during the Tonight Show. (In California) (MBradyB)

20. While looking at TVs with closed captioning you think to yourself:" The closed captioning on Conan's show is so much better and much more interesting. At least they don't repeat WORD FOR WORD what the person is saying. How boring! " (Dizza)

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21. When you close Windows, instead of the chimes, you get the Late Night ending theme music! (LesleyG456)

22. You write to NBC and demand they put on Conan's Public Service Announcements. After all, they could be helping so many people!! (Dizza)

23. Other people dream of winning the Lottery. You couldn't care less unless, of course, if it's winning THE LATE NIGHT LOTTERY! Now THAT'S something to hope for!! (Dizza)

24. When you visit the Late Night studio on your NBC tour you steal a bottle of Evian that supposedly belonged to a member of the Max Weinberg 7. You feel extra special for having it even when your friends tell you it's only water. (ERigby1000)

25. The tour guide walks away and you sit on Conan's desk even though you were told not even to touch it (and almost get in BIG trouble for it.) (ERigby1000)

26. You know more about Late Night than the tour guide does (who billed himself an expert.) (ERigby1000)

27. You and your friends use the MAGIC of the David Copperfield impersonator to get soda from the machines and to change the street signs from red to green and back again. (ERigby1000)

28. You carry around a tape recorder so just in case you get in an argument you might have a chance of having it acted out on Late Night. (ERigby1000)

29. Everyone else is talking about the movies coming to NBC during May '96 sweeps. All YOU can think about is Conan's four part mini-series JOURNEY PAST MIDNIGHT. Oh, the excitement, drama and adventure!! How will it all end? (Dizza)

30. You coulda' sworn you saw Conan's "stunt double" in the 7-11 last night. (LesleyG456)

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31. Every time you enter a room you hear Joel announce your name. "And now, here's ........... " (LesleyG456)

32. You're watching the old classic Gone With The Wind. You can't understand why all you hear are honking horns and fighting cats meowing!!! (Dizza)

33. You're still looking in the stores for that video Conan did with Sting called HELP. Why doesn't anyone have a supply of it YET? "Ya 'gotta help with your hands and help with your heart and help with your head and your hair......." (Dizza)

34. You have one of the show's cue cards tacked to your wall (I do!!) (LesleyG456)

35. You have the brilliant idea of going and getting a bowling trophy, sticking Conan's name on it and writing to him to tell him he's been given the "excellence" award by a popular little group called the LATE NIGHT ADDICTS!!! You wonder who has the MESSY car that we can use to pick up Conan? Oh Conan, guess what? (Dizza)

36. You search your family tree thinking maybe, just maybe, Conan could be your long lost cousin. Then you could have a real excuse to go to family reunions!! (MBradyB)

37. Instead of taking the Princeton Review, you watch Conan's SAT prep sketches to prepare for the test. (LesleyG456)

38. You're looking for a "good" cable company - one that carries the "PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE" channel!! (Dizza)

39. You discover a friend going through all the old Sears catalogs looking for pictures of Conan modeling slacks. When she finds him she says: "Cool. Look at him in those polyester pants." (MarkOCona)

40. You have a low IQ and can't read so you send for Andy Richter's "Conan Can't Read!" seminar. The alphabet cut out in baloney really helps. Here's the sad ending: Now you can read but are living a life of crime to support your baloney addiction!! Help! (MarkOCona)

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41. You won a contest and the prize is a Porsche. You ask if you could trade it for a green '91 Ford Taurus instead. (MarkOCona)

42. You watch the Olympic coverage for John Tesh because you think there might be a chance that Dweezel and Ahmet Zappa will stop by and play a set. (LesleyG456)

43. You will never be able to look at a hot-dog (a WEINER) in the same way ever again. (MarkOCona)

44. You can't play the guitar and you aren't a drummer. You haven't even been in a band like the Bad Clams. Hey, don't be depressed. You can still be a drum machine imitator!!

Chooga-Chooga BOOF
Choog, Chooga BOOF
Chooga-Chooga BOOF
Choog, Chooga BOOF!!! (Dizza)

45. When having a personal crisis you usually follow the advice of your ever so wise BEAR! (TFizz)

46. You have been banned from your local A&P for harassing the employees for not carrying Conie O's, the breakfast cereal of champions. (TFizz)

47. You're attending a traditional Irish wedding. At the reception the Irish band starts taking requests. One of your relatives wants to hear When Irish Eyes Are Smiling. OH NO!! You can't stop yourself from laughing because all you can think of is Conan's VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY CHOIR singing it instead!! A sad but true story from Dizza, who pictured all the band members as those dummies with the big red heads!! (Dizza)

48. You keep in shape by kickboxing dummies with large crotches in a pathetic attempt to impress girls. (MarkOCona)

49. Your favorite lullabye of all time is not "Lullabye and goodnight. Go to bed now and sleep tight." No way! It's gotta' be: "Turn baby away from TV screen......away from TV screen." (Dizza)

50. When you watch interviews with world leaders and celebrities on CNN and the like, you find yourself staring at their lips to see if they shift up past their nose at all. (TFizz)

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51. You're irritated by the fact that you couldn't find "Late Night Cowboy" at the Virgin MegaStore (They're supposed to have everything there!) (TFizz)

52. You quickly e-mail all your Late Night Addict pals when you hear about Conan's new movie: The Brown Dandy. They help you search every newspaper for a listing of where it will be playing first. You can't wait to see is so that you "may never be able to wear brown again!!" (Dizza)

53. You watch the Presidential debates just to hear the Clinton hillbilly yell. Neeeeeeehaaawww!! (LesleyG456)

54. You force all your friends into participating in your Foam Rubber Conan & Andy candlelight vigil. Please let them live!! (ERigby1000)

55. You go to Dole's Web Site to find Dole's CyberWorld. For some strange reason whenever you click on your mouse you hear "Dole". (MarkOCona)

56. I went to a few clambakes over the summer and could never figure out why everyone was eating clams. Gee, what would Conan say, finding clams served at a clambake and not even one Elvis tune playing anywhere. Shocking! Horrifying! (A true story from MarkOCona)

57. Before deciding which movie to see, you always wait to watch it reviewed by CONAN AND ANDY ON THE AISLE. They're the BEST film critics around!!! They always seem to be able to pick up on a lot of the details that even Siskel and Ebert overlook!! (Dizza)

58. You know you're a Late Night Addict when, while chatting live with Conan, it takes you 50 keystrokes to say "goodbye"!!! (As with Dole's chatroom) (LAB BABE96)

59. You travel to London just to look for Conan's "Watch that Yankee Ass" billboards. (MarkOCona)

60. Oh no!! You find yourself at Chuck E Cheese's every night waiting, just in case Conan and Andy walk through the door and head for the big bin of balls, "playing and giggling like schoolgirls." (Dizza)

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61. Following Dr. Andy's advice, you buy 100 cases of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and eat 5 tubs of butter a day, then brag to all your friends how you've found the fountain of youth and you won't share the secret. (TFizz)

62. Your girl scout troop send Conan and Andy $10 in response to solicitations for money. They need it in order to keep the show running after all their sponsors dropped out. (TFizz)

63. For your Grandmother's birthday, you bake her a pie, and the pie has berries, and they're......SCIENTOLOGY BERRIES AND THEY EXPLODE IN HER MIND!!!!!! (TFizz)

64. You go to your local XXX video store and try to attain the unedited, uncensored copy of "Max on Max." They don't have it. Shucks, and they said they were never going to air that clip again! (TFizz)

65. You add cranberry wrestling to your list of next year's Thanksgiving activities. (ERigby1000)

66. Oh no! You're in trouble! The biggest bully in the school has called you out. He's just about to pound your face in when suddenly you're gone!!! Jump to the right! And just when he thinks he's got you, you're over there! And then you jump to over there! And then you slap him on the side and rip his boot off!!! (TFizz)

67. Your chorus teacher is asking for suggestions for a new piece to work on. You hand her......THE BOB DOLE MEDLEY!!!! All the great Dole songs blended together in one sweeeeeet musical masterpiece featuring:

Sweet Dole Alabama
Macarena (Dole Remix)
DoleFInger
The Doley Man
Proud Doley (Dolin' On The River) And many more!!!!! (TFizz)

68. Your worst nightmare: The Wussy Wagon is coming. It's coming for YOU. (MarkOCona)

69. Whenever you hear a promo for the "Rolanda" show, you put on a crop top, shorts, and combat boots or spontaneously start taking your shirt off while dancing as sexy as you can!!!! (LAB BABE96)

70. Your friends are all excited about the new restaurants that have opened up nearby. You couldn't care less, unless of course you happen to hear of a CONAN O'BRIEN POTATO HUT coming soon. Then you'd be REALLY excited. Ah, potatoes, sweeeeeet potatoes!! You'd be the first on line for the grand opening!! (Dizza)

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71. You rummage through old Playgirls at the central library hoping to find pictures of Nipsey Russell and Abe Vigoda (what hunks!). (TFizz)

72. When you bang your head you see Conan heads not stars! (LesleyG456)

73. Last night while I was in the shower I looked down my back and OH MY GOD I noticed that I had a Michael Bolton tattoo on my right butt cheek!!!!!!!! (LABBABE96)

74. You keep demanding from your local bookstore that they start selling copies of Andy's new book: THE SCARS I'VE SEEN. Just what's taking them so long to start stocking the shelves with it, HUH???? (Dizza)

75. You've always wanted your life to be filled with "action, adventure, bounty and romance" and never knew how to go about getting all that. Well, NOW YOUR FINALLY KNOW!!! You've decided to choose a lifetime career with the FAST FOOD INDUSTRY!!!! (Dizza)

76. You catch yourself describing what you do for a living as "the poisoned Koolaid that is my job." ( MarkOCona)

77. When you go to see Star Wars you find yourself craving a Pepsi whenever R-2 D2 is on the screen. (TFizz)

78. You can skip all your fine arts classes. You've already learned too much about the great artists by watching Conan & Andy critique famous works of art. (MarkOCona)

79. Late Night with Conan O'Brien has become your source for all the important information on the winners of the Westminster International Dog and Cat Shows. Late Night always gives such outstanding highlights that you feel as though you've attended the show yourself!! (Dizza)

80. After witnessing Conan display the People Magazine with Andy on the cover, you waste no time trying to get Andy help for his spending addiction. The only problem is where to find support groups or 5-step programs dealing specifically with Hummel addiction. Andy, how could you let it go to the point of blowing your entire lifesavings on Hummel collecting? I mean they're cute but - (MarkOCona)

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81. You have a sudden urge for a glass of green milk! :) (LesleyG456)

82. I'm busy packing for another trip. Wait a minute- I almost forgot my collection of Late Night Episodes on audio cassette tapes. Episode 129 is a favorite of mine. Gee, it's swell having great classic moments of the past shows read to you. Haven't started collecting any yet? It's still not too late to start. (MarkOCona)

83. You take the employees of the Edison New Jersey branch of TARGET hostage and refuse to release them until Conan and Andy become their new spokespeople. (TFizz)

84. Your co-worker is expecting a baby and would love to know what the baby will look like. You suggest she send a picture of her and her husband to Conan so that he can use the science of modern technology to let her see what the baby will grow up to look like. (Kristyn687)

85. When a rabbit dissection is announced for your zoology class, you start pleading with the teacher, "Please don't kill the bunnies!! I already know they have no egg laying capabilities!! We have nothing to learn!! SPARE THEM!!! SPARE THEM!!!" (TFizz)

86. You go to your local dog shelter and adopt a dog that looks just like Triumph, the insult comic dog. You know it will be any day now that he'll say, "You're a great owner.....for ME TO POOP ON!" Come on Triumph. Say it! "For me to poop on. For me to poop on." He'll say it. Just give him time. Hounds are well known for being quick with the insults. (MarkOCona)

87. How come lately all the men you're interested in have hair like Hawaii Five-O's Jack Lord or say they would give up everything to be in a Rockabilly band? (Kristyn687)

88. You call Ticket Master and say, "Hi. I'd like to know the availability of tickets for Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman starring the Gaseous Wiener as Biff Loman.

Oh and one more thing. I want to make sure that it really is the Gaseous Wiener playing the part of Biff and NOT his understudy. O.K.?".........(Click)......"Hello? Hello?" (Dizza)

89. Sure you like Late Night with Conan O'Brien, but if DANGER BABIES were on in the same time slot you'd watch that show instead. You could watch DANGER BABIES for hours. There is nothing like seeing all those babies living life in the fast lane. They're always on the edge of danger. What a great show. Go DANGER BABIES, Go! (MarkOCona)

90. You sit at your desk and smile a lot. People think you love your job when in reality you're daydreaming of Conan. He comes into your office. He heads right toward you. He says, "Scoot over. Mind if I take your desk for a spin?" Off you go on a wild desk adventure. You keep your desk nice and neat just in case! (Kristyn687)

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91. You end up nearly paralyzed. Your chiropractor says it's from that damn "Beat It" vibrating dance. No more getting down for you. Guess Andy will never notice you now! (TFizz)

92. It's Conan's birthday and you want to make an impression. Cards are just way too impersonal. Your fantastic plan? Climb up his fire escape wearing nothing but a g-string (bearing his likeness, of course) and an acoustic guitar. You serenade him for a full 3 1/2 minutes, which is when he throws a rock at you. (TFizz)

93. You never miss a Jerry Lewis Telethon, just in case Conan shows up and performs "Consider Yourself" from Oliver. Ah, sweet!! (Dizza)

94. You were shocked when Conan showed up for jury duty so you wrote him a letter:

So next time Conan remember your words of wisdom. After all, they help so many other people. Why not YOU? (Dizza)

95. You take a tour of Boston with a company that bills itself "The Best" of Boston. You demand a full refund because the tour did not include Conan's old home, his playground, his old schools, etc. They call themselves "The Best"? False advertising! (Kristyn 687)

96. Your 17th birthday is rapidly approaching....which is when you're able to get your driver's license in NYC. Your mother wants to sign you up for Driver's Ed. "The hell with that" you say!!! You won't settle for anything but DESK EDUCATION!!! Besides, how else can one make it from NY to LA in under twenty seconds??? (TFizz)

97. You convinced your parents to vote for Dole. Why, you ask? Not for any of his policies, nor for his strapping good looks. If he got elected, that would mean four more years of Dole on Conan! Of course, the world isn't fair. (TFizz)

98. When you attend raves, you insist on being called BDog1. (TFizz)

99. Two words: Matzah, sweet Matzah! (LesleyG456)

100. Your office plays an oldie station most of the time. Hunka Hunka Burnin Love comes on and you and a few of your co-workers get up and dance wildly. People think you're a big Elvis fan. If they only knew who you pretend you're dancing with! (KristynG687)

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top of page * dear dizza * symptoms continued...