ANDY
"If you're over forty and your favorite movie is 'The Apple Dumpling Gang' see a doctor. If not for yourself, then for your loved ones. Do it now."

MAX
"You're all grown up, you can't read and you're keeping it a secret. Well good, cause I don't wanna hear about it!"

CONAN
"You're injured at home and you need emergency medical help fast. How quickly can paramedics get to you? Well there's only one way to find out. Call 911 and report an emergency, then time how long it takes them to respond. When they do arrive, make sure you hide outside, or in a closet, they'll be pretty mad, but at least you'll have gotten what you need, peace of mind."

ANDY
"There's nothing more annoying than cigar smoke. It's foul, it reeks and it'll clear a room. Remember that next time you're on a crowded train."

MAX
"Alimony schmalimony; I ain't paying!"

CONAN
"It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there."

ANDY
"It's Saturday night? Your friends are all out? You've got a case of the nothing-to-do blues. Well here's an idea; why don't you call the police and tell them your neighbor is shooting people. Within a few minutes you'll have a front row seat to the most exciting show around!"

MAX
"Late night at the office, you wish your wife or your girlfriend were there but she's not. Well just remember, when you're boffing the cleaning lady instead watch out for the security camera, you'll be glad you did."

CONAN
"It's 3:00 in the morning. Your term paper is due in six hours. You haven't even started the reading for it yet. How are you going to get that 'A'? Easy. It's called bribery. So hit the cash machine. Then get a good night's sleep, Because the world doesn't need another term paper, but your professor could sure use a new stereo."

ANDY
"If you tell a talk show host sidekick he's good looking and you want to have sex with him. Making him steamy and hot, and willing to cheat on the wife he loves, then not showing up at the agreed hotel...STOP IT! Okay! TORI?!?!?"

MAX
"Hey sometimes condoms break. Deal with it missy!"

CONAN
"So, your parents are getting divorced, it's tough, I know, but it's important to understand that it's not your fault. You never cried, you never made demands, you never complained when they asked you to clean up your room. Did you? Cos if you did… my God what have you done???"

ANDY
"I know how it is, you'd like to help people who are less fortunate that you, but you just don't have the time. Well did you know that it takes much less time and is just as satisfying to harm people who are better off than you are? Shoving a potato up a BMW's exhaust pipe only takes a few seconds. So does dumping a bucket of human waste into a fancy swimming pool, or lobbing a bunch of stink bombs at some rich guy's funeral. Or kidnapping some millionaire heiress' dog. In fact, a few minutes a month is all you really need to make some wealthy person's life completely miserable. And doesn't that make the world a little fairer place."

MAX
"Prostate Cancer is one of the leading causes of death in this country. That's why I have my prostate examined at least three times a day. You should too. Is it time? Alright!"

CONAN
"Just cos all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you have to. Despite what everyone says, it's OK not to do it. In fact, I didn't have sex until I was 32 years old… Can we not do this one?"

ANDY
"Think about teachers for a second. Outside of parents they're the biggest influence on kids. And yet in this society baseball players get paid millions of dollars, while teachers are paid a pittance. Well I've got this to say to teachers: as soon as you start hitting clutch home runs in front of 50,000 paying fans, we'll see about getting you a little more money. Now sit down Poyne Dexter."

MAX
"It's wrong to sleep with someone just because they've offered to advance your career. It's degrading, it's demeaning, it can even ruin your life. Of course, if you are actually attracted to the guy, then that's a different story. Come on Jessica… you know you want it."

CONAN
"The next time you get your kids in the car turn off the radio and tune into them. I think you just might find that your kids are boring as hell. They got nothing to say, I mean they're kids! Then turn that radio back on, pump up the volume and know that you're not missing a damn thing!"

ANDY
"The next time you and your wife are about to have a fight stop for a second, take a deep breath, look into each other's eyes. Take her hands in your's - that'll keep her from scratching you while you kick her in the shins."

MAX
"There will be times in your life when it's hard to follow the exact letter of the law. For example, when the judge rules you have to stay 50 yards away. Well that's hard to measure so here's a good rule of thumb. If you're completely naked except for a dark ski mask yet she can still identify your genitals later in a line-up -- you're too close."

MORE OF ANDY'S PSA'S

ANDY
"Your folks don't understand you. They don't let you do what you want to do. And it's getting worse all the time. Well there is a solution.... RUN AWAY! You can go wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do. Because the bottom line is, it's your life. Don't let it be ruined by a couple of middle-aged squares."

ANDY
"Having trouble in school? All those classes making your head spin? Well maybe you're just not very smart. Why not drop out and try interstate trucking? Because right now you're just embarrassing yourself."

ANDY
"Hey Grandma! Listen! Everybody hates your pearl onions and cream sauce. So just show up, shut up, and eat! And be grateful you were even invited!"

ANDY
"It's Christmas morning. Your son got you the ugliest tie you've ever seen. He asked you to wear it to work. You said no. Your son cried and cried. Why would you wear the tie Daddy? WHY!?! I love you so much, why didn't you wear the tie!?!?"

ANDY
"For most people the holidays are a time for togetherness and family. But for those who are alone and isolated, it can be an extremely depressing time of year. So if you know anybody who's an outcast or shut-in be sure you don't visit them during Christmas time. After all you don't want to be the one to discover the body."