200 OFFICIAL SYMPTOMS OF LATE NIGHT ADDICTION:
101. You wonder where you too can get a motel-quality ice machine for your living space. (LesleyG456)
102. You stab your crabcakes to make sure they're really dead.(LesleyG456)
103. Ordering flowers by mail is never easy. Stick to Andy and Conan's choice and always pick the letdown series from FTD. Even comes with an attached card-"They're wilted. Just like our love." Works great for me every time! (MarkOCona)
104. Have you started noticing that you're using the word "Uffda" more and more in your everyday vocabulary??? After all, Andy knows what it means. So we should TOO!! (Dizza)
105. A neighbor tells you how proud she is that her son is going to be Valedictorian of his graduating class. You think to yourself, "Sure, sure.....Valedictorian....but I bet he never belonged to the Seedy Tweedy Club did he??? Now THAT's something to BRAG ABOUT!!!" (Dizza)
106. Because of Andy, you go see the movie Ransom just to hear the line, "Gimme back my SON!" (TFizz)
107. When you're away on business trips you make sure to pack your special Lollipop tree. No one understands you like your own Lollipop tree does. " I love YOU Lollipop Tree!" (MarkOCona)
108. Suddenly "crack whore" has turned into something to laugh at and it causes a flock of little birdies to fly by singing. I'm going to go throw up now. (MarkOCona)
109. You dream of someone sweeping you off your feet by reading you Max's poetry collection. It's the ultimate definition of romance. (Kristyn687)
110. From time to time you check back to the weather station hoping to see Andy there as the meteorologist and catch a glimpse of him in his "invisible" blue suit. (Kristyn687)
111. You're so upset that you missed Conan's Cabaret Act at the Rainbow and Stars Room on top of Rockefeller Center! Imagine what that ten minute condensed version of the Wizard of Oz must have been like. And you would have PAID ANYTHING to hear him sing that electrifying "down 'n' dirty" rock number :
"Give me anotha'
Give me anotha'
Give me anotha'
Glass o' milk...............Please Momma!!!" (Dizza)
112. You're all set to go see the new Batman movie. Then you find out it DOESN'T star Conan and Andy in the lead roles. Oh well. Guess you'll skip seeing it. Just how good could it be without them as Batman and Robin, huh? (Dizza)
113. Thanks to Andy, you go to Taco Bell to suggest the new advertising slogan-Try Taco Bell. It's even better than drinking your own urine. (MarkOCona)
114. You like any guy that smears saliva on his eyebrows. Everyone knows women are attracted to that. (Kristyn687)
115. What do the Late Night Addicts do for fun on weekends when we're together? Hold hands and skip around NYC, of course! But for some strange reason whenever we hold hands we keep bumping our heads on things!!! (Dizza)
116. You're at a Hallmark Card Store and you pass the section on Encourgement/Cheer so you pick out a card to send to Joel. After all, he's SO DEPRESSED! Cheer up Joel! (Dizza)
117. The pressure is on at work. Tempers are flaring. Your boss barks orders to everyone. You're losing your cool. You scream-"I've had enough of this. Back off, you bright shiny zeppelin of arrogance!" That shuts them all up fast. Thank you Joel. (MarkOCona)
118. You spend mucho hours consulting with your fellow health care amigos, designing the perfect plan to reduce Conan's cholesterol and Andy's triglyceride levels...will keep y'all updated.. we're thinkin' it may involve that prostate brew in the little brown bottle!!!! Gotta gather more data......... (LAB BABE96)
119. You find yourself staying up three and four days a week straight because you feel pitiful for Andy. After all, he's 30,married and is still a virgin. We will pray that the big moment does take place in November, though, so keep your fingers crossed, Late night addicts, and Andy, you tell yourself that it's JUST SEX! (GE Cafe)
120. Where the hell were you during "no sleep week"? You just can't stop kicking yourself for missing those shows! (TFizz)
121. I love Andy, but I just can't forgive him for killing Dr Joyce Brothers!!!! I mean, we know he has sexual problems, but it wasnt her fault. I'm sorry, but the man has just gone too far. (TFizz)
122. At your job you're counseled to be more goal-oriented. It helps if you make a list of goals you would like to set for yourself. Your list looks like this: 1. Increase sales. 2. Dance with Conan. 3. Dance with Conan some day soon. 4. Drink more coffee because you're staying up late watching Conan. 5. Kill the blonde across the aisle that tries to dance with Conan. 6. Dance with Conan so you could die happy. (Kristyn687)
123. Sure, you'd like to have kids one day. But before you have any kids you would first want to build on a separate "Vomit House". Here's how it would work: You would strap your child into a giant tube and he would be fired into the Vomit House. There he could be as sick as he wanted and could fill up the Vomit House all he wanted. You're so grateful to Conan for giving you those words of wisdom on having children. (Dizza)
124. You just came back from Hungary. No, not because you've always wanted to GO THERE. It was just 'cause you wanted to be in the audience when the Ventrilochoir appeared on a Budapest Variety Show. Oh, you were so proud of them!! (Dizza)
125. You set the VCR on its "Daily" feature at 12:35 AM to 01:40 AM (a few minutes earlier and later, just in case). At 12:35 you go to check that it really is recording, and then stay up and watch the show anyway. The next day you watch the show again and make sure you don't miss a single word Conan or Andy say, pausing once in a while to see their different expressions. (RP)
126. You're stocking up on Cap'n Crunch cereal realizing it will be the most popular cereal soon when the Cap'n Crunch stamp will be released. (Kristyn687)
127. You hear the song Endless Love on the radio, and suddenly you're fighting back the tears as you think of poor Conan on his prom night!! Oh it was so sad! (Dizza)
128. You've just adopted two kittens. They're so sweet, adorable and........UH-OH.....you smell cigarette smoke when you pick them up. Can they be addicted to smoking ALREADY?? Good thing Conan warned us that because of the tobacco industry's settlement, they're going to get kittens addicted to cigarettes by supplying them with all they want. Oh the poor kitties!! (Dizza,, who checks her cats regularly........for signs of cigarette smoking!!! )
129. You notice that Stacey's room looks a lot like yours does. (Cobi Jay1)
130. Whenever you look at abstract art you suddenly picture Conan and Andy sneezing and coughing on a canvas!!!! (Dizza)
131. When you get misty-eyed, you go HA! HA! (PJulia1281)
132. O.K., so how many of us have suddenly switched over to using camomile shampoo, HUH???? (Dizza)
133. You've built your life around coming to accept the turkey burger for what it is-inherently deceitful and wrong. Just say NO to turkey burgers. Just say NO. Join me in my crusade against the turkey burger! (MarkOCona)
134. You've already started searching all the bookstores for the book you want so badly.......SO YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH CONAN O'Brien Where is that book? What bookstore has that book? I need that book. I need that book right now!! I want that book!! I have to find that book!! GIVE ME THE BOOK NOW!!!!! (Dizza)
135. You're the AUTHOR of "So, You're Obsessed With Conan O'Brien"! (LesleyG456)
136. You still think Andy is the best.......even though you now know the truth about his vestigial tail!!! (Dizza)
137. All of a sudden you feel that Dirty Dancing is the GREATEST movie ever made! (MarkOCona)
138. The six most powerful words that you've ever heard uttered on the big screen-
Nobody puts Baby in the corner
Nobody puts Baby in the corner
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER! (MarkOCona)
139. You still think Andy's the best and would still invite him to your pool party, even though the pool looks a little "yellow" afterwards! (LAB BABE96)
140. All of a sudden you feel that Dirty Dancing is the WORST movie ever made and refuse to see it! (MarkOCona)
141. The six most pathetic words you've ever heard uttered on the big screen- Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner. Just what kind of a poor excuse for a movie would contain such a stupid phrase, eh? (MarkOCona)
142. You're at your local record store searching for Dazed and Confused. You're shocked and horrified that only Led Zepplin's version of it is available. You get into an argument with the manager demanding they order Conan's version of the Song Remains the Same. What idiot doesn't know yet that Conan's is the popular choice? It's a sad, sad world my friends. (MarkOCona)
143. You find yourself trying to book tickets to see Kenny Rogers at the Wild Wild West Casino this weekend to see if Conan and Ahmed Zappa would do their impressions of The Maverick. (PJulia1281)
144. You wonder when the government is going to figure out that the Mars mission is a scam and that the pathfinder used to be one of Pimpbot's old street friends RedBone Martinez. When will they uncover the truth- Redbone is trying to expand his pimping turf to Mars. It's all a scam. A horrifying scam. (MarkOCona)
145. You search through the Yellow Pages looking for a Big Rig Horn School. If you enrolled, maybe you and Conan could study together. Neeeeeeeeeeehaw!!!! (TFizz)
146. What kind of laugh do you have? Well, you don't know why but you're sounding a lot like Andy lately when you cover your mouth and laugh: "TEE-HEE-HEE! TEE-HEE-HEEEE!!!" (Dizza)
147. You go to the HUB and download all 12 of Andy's variations of those annoying AOL sounds, just to hear him say, "You got mail, but it's probably crap!" (A true story from PJulia1281)
148. Your friends know you best as Sunblock. (MarkOCona)
149. Variation on a true story- Had to look over a few resumes that were submitted for a job opening when I noticed the name O'Brien on one of them. Grinning, I read that one first. [warning-fast approaching the variation part of my story] I rubbed my eyes and could not believe what I read under the subheading of A few personal facts-" I led a happy childhood in a large Irish family that provided constant companionship. It was the summers at camp away from my beloved cat that was hard on me. Some of the other kids teased me and called me stinky. Two counselors held me down and shaved my head....." (MarkOCona)
150. Whenever I go West on vacation, I always make sure to take the tour of Salt Lake City via hamster-drawn wagon...(Ladibug998 )
151. Living in New York, its only natural to be paranoid of everyone around you. You never know if the guy sitting next to you on the subway is a serial killer, a rapist, or whatever. Unless he's an Eskimo. Then its all good. (TFizz)
152. When the "In the Year 2000" skit comes on, you sing along with La Bamba, even though your voice isn't nearly as high as his and you just can't hit the pitch. So you take voice lessons to improve your range, and suddenly, late one evening, you are amazed to hear it coming out of your own mouth--'In the year two thouSAAAAAAND!' Dogs are barking, glass is breaking........(Ladibug998)
153. You know that mace and pepper spray aren't always effective. That's why, when you go out late at night, you carry with you a giant roasted turkey leg. The best, and most tasty, form of protection. (TFizz)
154. "Soothing balm" has worked its way into your vocabulary. You don't let a day go by without saying it. It's the greatest phrase in the world. (MarkOCona)
155. This symptom hereby repeals symptom number one-hundred and thirty-seven, declaring the Late Night Addicts official devotion to the film "Dirty Dancing". Following the ratification of this amendment, all positive and amorous feeling towards the aforementioned film will be strictly prohibited in Conan Country. This amendment may only be overturned by a direct declaration by Conan, and NO ONE ELSE. (TFizz)
156. The Late Night Addicts set up a map of the tri-state area, blindfolded Dizza, and then I randomly threw a dart at the map, deciding that wherever the dart landed we would go. After 1,189 throws the dart finally randomly landed closest to South Centerville where we happily drove to steal the flag of Conan and Andy. (MarkOCona)
157. The latest South Centerville News- The flag dedicated to South Centerville from Late Night Show Hosts Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter has mysteriously disappeared, leaving the town in mournful silence.
The latest Late Night Addict News from AOL- All Late Night Addicts have been sworn to silence as to the whereabouts of a Conan and Andy flag which is now safely locked away in a vault somewhere in Conan country........The Late Night Addicts each have visitation rights to this flag under the condition they remain silent as to its location. (MarkOCona)
158. You're taking baths instead of showers now, just hoping to be visited by Bathtime Bob, the Hygiene Cowboy. (Dizza)
159. You dream of going to Naughtyland. Hey, they were giving out money to buy stuff from the Disney Store! (PJulia1281)
160. You are so disappointed your local music store doesn't seem to have "Late Night Episodes On Tape" currently in stock. What do you do? Make your own tapes and listen to them everyday over and over again!! (NikkiDS18)
161. You've been caught spending WAY TOO MUCH time with your new computer game Toxic Conan!!! (Dizza)
162. (A true story) It's the new school year, and you basically want to be obsequious to your 1st period teacher. What do you do? You go on your computer, print out Andy's article from George Magazine because it has a vocabulary word that you learned, give it to your teacher, and get extra credit! Ha! (PJulia1281)
163. When cooking dinner, you have a sudden urge to throw it at the wall. (LesleyG456)
164. When deciding which television shows to watch you listen to one critic and one only: Polly Peacock. (CTGal60000)
165. You kissed the tv screen when Conan was sick and called out to you, "Your lips look so kissable." Then you caught a cold. Coincidence? I think not!! (CTGal60000)
166. You had to build on another room to your house just so you could store all your Conan tapes. You call the room your Late Night Library. (CTGal60000)
167. Conan's show anniversary is listed in your personal planner book under "Important Dates To Remember." (CTGal60000)
168. Favorite curse? "Krunk", of course!! (Dizza)
169. "You don't faint, you swoon." (Chillngirl)
170. You make sure to schedule all your vacation time from work around Conan's schedule. That way you don't have to bother worrying whether your VCR will tape or not!! (CTGAL)
171. You're talking with a friend. You begin to parody a car wreck that you saw this morning. Your friend is laughing heartily. Your reply? "You sicken me." (Chillngirl)
172. Before you sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, you apologize to the turkey. (LesleyG456)
173. You throw out all your husband's clothes and replace them with nothing but brown (brown pants, shirts, ties, shoes etc.etc.) Why? Simple. Conan says,"Brown is the new black." If Conan says it, it must be true. (CTGal6000)
174. I knew Max before he was known as Max Weinberg and went by his real name- Shecky Feinblatt. (MarkOCona)
175. You dread hearing the song "1999" by Prince on New Year's Eve 1998 and you call your local radio station to ask them not to play it. (NikkiDS18)
176. Conan's show is so good it makes you want to puke in your own chair while watching at home-since you can't vomit right there in the studio. (MarkOCona)
177. You call up Late Night while they're doing their interactive phone calls from viewers. You can't get through because the lines are so busy. It's not fair, I have so much to share with them. (LACOB)
178. You write to your German friends asking them if they live near Aftershaven and they reply: What!?! (LACOB)
179. I called in during Conan's "Annual Unwanted Relatives Drive" (1-600-UNWANTD) and I'm happy to tell you that I've now become part of the foster family for Aunt Lydia Combs. Oooooooh.....I can't wait to hear her tell me exactly how I'll die!! What fun that will be!!! (Dizza)
180. You tell your friends and family you won't talk at all anymore unless you have Jimmy Vivino following you playing guitar wherever you go. Sigh! (CTGAL60000)
181. You shout at your television screen when Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa come on and stand in front of Jimmy Vivino. "Get out of the way! You're blocking a good shot of Jimmy!" (CTGal60000)
182. I was going through my diary for last year, as I do... and I discovered I've seen every film/movie that Conan said was great. That's addiction for you. I even own 'Fargo' - one of Conan's favorite movies! (LACOB)
183. You are going to NYC and plan to go to all four taping of the show that week. I actually plan to do this.. isn't that sad ?? I just want to get all that live Conan viewing in that can't be done here in Texas.. how tragic (Phunnyontv)
184. You've always rationalized that the Honey Bear (or honey in a plastic bear) has been an important aspect of rock & roll history. (MarkOCona)
185. Did you go out and buy Conan's new video yet?? It's called CONAN O'BRIEN'S AWKWARD SILENCES.......a great collection of all the awkward "Ew! What do I say now?" moments in Late Night's history. (Dizza)
186.You add an oxygen tank to your collection of 3 Stooges material. (LesleyG456)
187. If I miss one show, just *one*, I get REALLY mad and start throwing things around the house. Then I become depressed and begin to hate myself.....and before I know it, I'm standing on top of my two-story house, wondering if the driveway is hard enough. Then I reconsider the whole thing and decide, "It's not worth missing the rest of Conan's shows......" (Chillngirl)
188. I accidentally typed "andyway" three times while working on a paper recently. Looks like I've got Late Night Addiction really bad! (Ladibug998)
189. I am now making it my life's work to find a new medicinal compound I can name "diadoradel" or trade name "ConanOBrienide", in honor of his highness. I would say, though, that one side effect could possibly be that you grab the nearest guitar and start singing wacky songs. 7cc of diadoradel, stat. (Lab Babe97)
190. "Embryonic Rockabilly Polka-dotted Fighter Pilots
Embryonic Rockabilly Polka-dotted Fighter Pilots
Embryonic Rockabilly Polka-dotted Fighter Pilots
Fighter Pilot Embryos that like Rockabilly......AND are Polka-dotted!!!"
You can't stop singing this song!!! (Chillngirl)
191. For your Halloween costume, you search high and low for an ostrich costume just like Tomorry's. (Kmsmiley78)
192. When passing Max's Sony billboard you are mysteriously drawn to bowing down before it ritualistically. Then you feel his powerful stare and could swear he's following you with his eyes. (PINKNOISE7)
193. Every night you smell the program. Doesn't it smell good? Ah lemony. (PINKNOISE7)
194. When designing your schedule for the next semester, you try and arrange to have to classes earlier than 11AM so you can stay up to watch Late Night and not miss any beauty sleep. (Kmsmiley78)
195. You find yourself singing "Boogity-Boogity Boogity- Boogity Shoop" and wearing a brown suit to work like Max wears that legally could not be buttoned up any higher. (PINKNOISE7)
196. You start referring to your grandmother as "my Lay-Day..." (ERigby1000)
197. What's the best advice Conan has given you? "For every person you DELIGHT, you must ALIENATE TWO!" What wisdom he has!! (Dizza)
198. When going into a commercial, you put on a Jimmy or a Jerry Vivino CD, hit mute, and you now have the effect of being at the studio. (Make sure to clap after each song!) (Dizza)
199. You have to take a business trip to London so you practice your "English." "Blimey Guvnuh- 'Ellow! Do you want a chimney sweep? Chitty chitty bang bang." (MarkOCona)
200. You're doing your grocery shopping and you reach to buy a box of Ziploc storage bags. You glance down and .......OH NO!!.....There's no FINGERMAN on the box.....You start to silently weep......
FAREWELL ZIPLOC FINGERMAN!! WE'LL MISS YOU!!! (Dizza)
201. Thanks to Conan if there's a game you missed or a movie you didn't see- all you have to do is say-"Yeah- it was a real nailbiter." Say it with me kids. A REAL NAILBITER. A REAL NAILBITER. Very good. Practice it. (MarkOCona)
202. You no longer call yourself a movie-goer. You are, as Andy calls it- a CINE-AST. (Say it CINNY- AST) (MarkOCona)
203. It's a hiatus week - you think to yourself, 'I've seen all these shows, I've got them on tape, I won't bother watching them this time around.' Then you tape them again just to be sure!! (LACOB)
204. You get a tattoo of the Conan cartoony head. (Phunnyontv)
205. If your walking in the park on a nice sunny day and you see Max Weinberg wearing a trenchcoat, run away as fast as you can. (Kmsmiley78)
206. You're attending a taping of Late Night. As they introduce the band members, they walk by Max's drums and you hear Max's drum alarm go off: "This is Max Weinberg. Step away from the drums." (MarkOCona)
207. Living in a large Irish neighborhood as I do, you greet everyone on the street as "My red-haired, potato eatin', leprichaunical young friend." (TFizz)
208. "Don't say that to me. It's INAPPROPRIATE." (MarkOCona)
209. You have to take a business trip to London so you practice your "English." "Blimey Guvnuh- 'ellow and do you want a chimney sweep? Chitty chitty bang bang." (MarkOCona)
210.
"There's a monster in the garden of love
And that monster's name is hate
And if we don't destroy that monster soon
It just might be too late
So let's sip from the wine of tolerance
And have a slice of compassion pie
And we'll all dance together
Beneath the rainbow in the sky..."
Oh excuse me, I'm sorry.....Just singing one of my current favorite tunes......LOL!! (Dizza)
211. Camping Trip by Mark-
Gee it was swell but I started to feel like I was coming down with a cold. I smeared mustard all over my shirt. I didn't feel like hiking with a cold so I threw some raisins in a glass of seltzer water and made a poor man's lava lamp. The raisins- They kept moving man. I just kept staring and staring. Conan said you have to be on a serious drug to find this amusing,eh? Wrong. Maybe the mustard was toxic to my brain but I watched those raisins bobbing for days. Yeah baby. Dig it man. (MarkOCona)
212. You call Andy "Pure Power Richter"! (LabBabe96)
213. You don't know why but you don't trust any astronauts who can't swallow their hamburgers. (Kellinya)
214. When you hear a good joke, how should you react to it?
First you show HORROR, then it turns into acceptance....and then finally into PURE JOY!!! (Dizza)
215. Your yearbook quote?
"Love baby........Don't hate." -Conan O'Brien (TFizz)
216. To sum it all up: Watching Late Night With Conan O'Brien has made you go from this: "Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh Oooh" to this.........."Ah- HAH! Ah-HAH! Ah -HAH!!!!" (Dizza)
The signers of the original Official Late Night Addict Symptom List, by virtue of declaring themselves to be Late Night Addicts, hereby unanimously ratify this list:
Amymcdem (Amy)
Chillngirl (Christina)
CobiJay1 (Lindsay)
CTGal60000 (Gail)
Dizza (Darcy)
ERigby1000 (Erin)
Kellinya (Kelly)
KmSmiley78 (Karen)
Kristyn687 (Kristyn)
LAB BABE96 (Cathy)
LACOB (Linzi)
Ladibug998 (Lorie)
LesleyG456 (Lesley)
MarkOCona (Mark)
MBradyB
NikkiDS18 (Nikki)
Phunnyontv (Jessica)
Pinknoise7 (Chris)
PJulia1281
TFizz (Allison)
****** Compiled from April 26, 1996 through August 26, 1998. ******
No part of the Official Late Night Addiction Symptoms List may be used or reproduced without permission of the Official Late Night Addicts. All rights reserved.
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