Work Funnies
How To Brighten Your Day By Annoying Others
1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extradark, 17inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions,"to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when you back up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. Don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:"Do you hear that?"..."What?"... "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
And the Final Way to Annoy People...
34. Send this email to everyone in your email address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them things like this!!!
TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
EXCUSES TO MISS WORK
**If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
*When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
*I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly ie the *log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times while hopping on one foot and singing Ave Maria. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. (My personal fav)
*My stigmata's acting up.
*I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
*I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.
*I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
*Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
*Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
