You know how guys wonder why women always go to the bathroom together??? It's so we can talk about them, right??? I created this room for just us girls, to laugh, cry and celebrate what sets us apart from the guys. Believe me, I have three sons and between them and their friends, my house is so full of testosterone most of the time, I swear it could be mistaken for a boy's locker room!!! *S* So if you have any favorite "female" themed quotes, poems, pictures or sayings, I would love to hear from you! There's an email link at the bottom of this page or you can click on the back button to go back out to my other pages...stop in the guest room and leave me a note there!!!
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life
that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker-
night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing
the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge
Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but
uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me?
Dear Sir-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed
by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed
to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0
or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original
system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony /
Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General
Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize
button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs.
System will run smooth as long as you take the blame
for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
high maintenance.
A Woman's Little Instruction Book
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.
Women don't make fools of men, most men are the do-it yourself types.
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
If you want a nice man go for a bald one, they try harder.
Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same, they just have different faces so you an tell them apart.
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will find that he already is.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent. But they make great pets.
Men's brains are like the prison system, not enough cell per man.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop."
Husbands are like children, they're fine if they're someone else's.
The following jokes were all sent to me by male friends. They are posted all in fun, of course....
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you can only have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Men are like......
Placemats--They only show up when there's food on the table.
Mascara--They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike helmets--Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Government bonds--They take so long to mature.
Copiers--You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Lava lamps--Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bank accounts--Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
High heels--They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Curling irons--They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Mini skirts--If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbirth.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
