More Humor
Dumb Uncle
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a coma.
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant, and she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins: a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that a great name. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
The KGB
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
The devil bought the groceries
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and
for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on
her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so
angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There
ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed
for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her
porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need
food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me
some groceries."
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and
noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE
THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and
said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I
bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her
hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only
sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for
them! PRAISE THE LORD!"
The WORD Works!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at a religious
service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop -Acts 2:38!"
(..turn from your sin...).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. the woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him
in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was
yell a scripture to you." scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she
had an AXE and two 38's
Lot's Wife
What's the last thing Lot said to his wife?
?????????????????????????????????????
Is there anyone following us??
DOCTOR!!!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and
struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over
to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim,
but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,'
he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The woman watched for
a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said.
'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'
The atheist
An atheist took a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charged towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear; right on top of him; reaching for him with his left
paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the
atheist
cried out, "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a Voice came out of the sky, saying,
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be
hypocritical
of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps,
could
you
make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the Voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.
Amen!"
The Indian and the Astronauts
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training
on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space
crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son
translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The
old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found
a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to
translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe
listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.
He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have
come to steal your land."
Thanks to Chris Saunders
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