THEMIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
TEN WAYS TO BE "THE FUNNY GUY" AT WORK
SWEARING AT THE OFFICE
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN...
TEN MOST POLITE WAYS TO SAY YOUR ZIPPER IS DOWN... FROM DAVID LETTERMAN
UNRECOMMENDED CHILDREN'S BOOKS
CAUTION
THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE GAY
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE STRESSED OUT AT WORK
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
TEN WAYS TO BE "THE FUNNY GUY" AT WORK
10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.
9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. AFter everyone gives you sympathy remarks, tell everyone how you were just kidding an tell them that they are all a bunch of fucking queers.
8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting, put on finger in the air and make a noise like you are a hocking up a loogie. Then spit the custard into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say, "Beat that."
7. Inform a male co-worker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker."
Then piss in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good ass
fucking.
6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand
in your pants.
5. Answer every question asked to you with "Fuck if I know" then call
a person a racial slur that doesn't even correspond to their actual
race.
4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with
your nuts. Get them all sweaty, and then walk around shaking
everyone's hands.
3. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes and see
it, tell them it is the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it
up, and realize that their hand is covered in shit, laugh and point
at them and call them a fucking asshole.
2. Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over and
yell, "It won't stop! Help me!" Then when it stops, look down and
say "Oh."
1. Ask to borrow someone's pen. Bring it into the bathroom and stick
it in your ass. Take it back to the person your borrowed from and
ask them to smell it. When they tell you that it smells bad, tell
them, "It should. I had it in my ass.
Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b____. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shi__ing me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shi_. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f__ing problem. 8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? 9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shi_ won't work. 10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shi_ and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. 14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This F__ job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? 8 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a f___ing prick. Thank You, Human Resources
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
thislist.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.
TEN MOST POLITE WAYS TO SAY YOUR ZIPPER IS DOWN... FROM DAVID LETTERMAN
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with
Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
UNRECOMMENDED CHILDREN’S BOOKS
- Clifford the Big Dog is Drooling
- Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
- The Tickling Babysitter
- Charlie Manson’s Bedtime Stories
- Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
- Babar Becomes a Piano
- Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
- Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
- The Care Bears Maul Some Campers
- You Were an Accident
- Babar Becomes an Umbrella Stand
- Strangers Have the Best Candy
- The Little Sissy Who Snitched
- The “Where Did I Come From?” Pop-Up Book
- What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
- Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
- You Are Different and That's Too Damn Bad
- Daddy's New Wife Timothy
- Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
- Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates
There is a new hoax going around. Pass this message
around to all your friends.
A man will come to your door saying he is conducting a survey.
He will ask you to show him your bum. Do not show him your bum. It is
a SCAM. He only wants to see your bum.
I wish I had this warning yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just way too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages; let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football - let's watch Evertbody Loves Raymond.
1. I think we're lost - we'd better pull over and ask for directions.
THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY
10. Can our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up--it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away--the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond ring is just way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong - you must be right again.
1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are Gay. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs,crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself, you flamming faggot!
9. If you're scared to handle worms, minnows or leetches then stop livingin denial. You're an ass puncher (or poofter, for those Down-under) from way back and everyone knows it.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
3. Insist that your e-mail address is: zena.warrior.princess@companyname.com
or elvis.theking@companyname.com .
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "Perhaps it is head cancer!"
11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Don't use any punctuation in your correspondence
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17. Sing along at the opera.
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood or you are washing your hair.
23. Call 911 and ask to place an emergency take-out order.
24. Have your co-workers address you by a wrestling name like "Rock Hard".
25. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
26. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
27. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices that comes from your head that does!"
28. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to financial constraints, we are going to have to let one of you go."
29. Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
30. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE STRESSED OUT AT WORK
1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
7. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
8. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
10. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of
self-control"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be a fuckin' airport."