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VEND0R: *Take this object, but beware, it carries a terrible curse.*
HOMER: *Thats bad.*
VENDOR: *But it comes with a free frogurt!*
HOMER: *Thats good!*
VENDOR: *The frogurt is also cursed.*
HOMER: *Thats bad.*
VENDOR: *But it comes with your choice of free toppings!*
HOMER: *Thats good!*
VENDOR: *The toppings contain potassium benzoate." (after several seconds of silence,the vendor says...) *Thats bad.*
HOMER: *Can I go now?*

*Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?*

*Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.*

Homer: *Okay, brain. you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this and then I can continue killing you with beer.*
Homer's Brain: *It's a deal!*

Homer: *But Marge! I was a political prisoner!*
Marge: *How were you a political prisoner?*
Homer: *I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?*

*When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.*

Lisa: *Dad, we did something very bad!*
Homer: *Did you wreck the car?*
Bart: *No.*
Homer: *Did you raise the dead?*
Lisa: *Yes.*
Homer: *But the car's okay?*
Bart & Lisa: *Uh-huh.*
Homer: *All right then.*

Homer: (to postal clerk) *Hello, my name's Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: *Okay Mr. Burns, what's your first name?*
Homer: *I don't know...*

Homer: *Mmmmmm... 64 slices of american cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63 (munch munch munch)... (cut to much later)... 2 (munch munch munch)... 1 (munch munch munch).*
Marge: *Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?*
Homer: *I think I'm blind.*

Bart: *Look behind you Radioactive Man!*
Marge: *Why are you talking like that?*
Homer:*And who are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?*

Homer: *How come we always have one good kid and one lousy kid? Why can't both our kids be good?*
Marge: *We have three kids, Homer.*
Homer: *Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.*

Ned: *Heidly-ho, neighboureenos!*
Homer: *Can't talk, got robbed, go hell.*

Bart: *Hey Homer, this house sucks!*
Homer: *Bart, I told you no to use that word. Call me daddy.*

Bart: *These uniforms suck!*
Marge: *Bart, I don't want you using such language.*
Homer: (on the phone) *That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Oh, gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.*

*I think I hate Ted Koppel! No wait... I find him informative and witty. Good night.*

*Must... protect... sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong must protect the sweet... the sweet... zzzzzzz... (in spanish accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power... then... you get the women...*

*Ahh! Hey, get off my sugar! Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!*

*Oh look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!*

*Lisa cried. Then I cried. And Maggie laughed. She's such a little trooper.*

*Marge, with today's gasoline prices, how can you afford not to buy a pony?*

*Boy, if you want anything in this life, you have to work for it. Now be quiet while I listen for these lottery numbers.*

*The alien had a sweet heavenly voice... like Urkel! And the alien appears every Friday... like Urkel!*

*No Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him "Gamblor" and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!*

*Son, the secret to avoiding jury duty is to say that you're prejudiced against all races.*

*You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.*

Homer: *Okay, Herbert! Herbert Powell! Where can I find him?*
Orpahanage Guy: *I can't really tell you that, he could be anywhere, even Detroit.*
Homer: *I know he could be anywhere, so I need you to narrow it down, please!*
OG: *If you ask me, the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia, it's Detroit*.
Homer: *Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the cruelest heartless excuse for a human being I've ever met!*
OG: *Read between the lines you fool!*
Homer: *Ohhhh, I get it... here's 20 bucks, now will you tell me?*
OG: *Mr. Simpson, I don't really...*
Homer: *Just take it and tell me!*
OG: Detroit, he lives in Detroit.
Homer: (sarcastically) *Fine, thank you!*

*Marge, it's 3am. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?*

Reporter: *Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?*
Homer: *I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on that terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!*

(we hear the sound of Bart using the drill in the garage)
Marge: *Oh, who's using the power tools?*
Homer: *I don't know, it's some guy, I guess.*

Homer: *Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesday, and they never tell me where they are going. It's like a conspiracy or something.*
Bart: *A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assasination in some way?*
Homer: *I doooo... now.*

Homer: *No TV and no beer make Homer... something, something...*
Marge: *Go crazy?*
Homer: *Don't mind if I do! Argh, Bleck, Grr, hehehe...*

Homer: *That's it! You've all stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!*

*Damn you, Walt Whitman! I HATE! YOU! WALT! FREAKING! WHITMAN!!! Leaves of grass, my ASS!!!*

*Stupid like a FOX!*

Bart: *I'll fool you good homer.*
Homer: *You talk, but you don't fool*
Bart: ???
Homer: *You couldn't fool your mother on the most foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.*

*He lied to us through song! I hate it when people do that!*

*I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.*

*This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.*

*Wow! That's amazing! And I'm not easily impressed... look! A blue car!*

Bart: *TV sucks!*
Homer: *I know you're a little upset right now so I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.*

Homer: *MARGE, BEER ME!*
Marge: *Were all outa beer homer. Do you want some fruit punch?*
Homer: *Don't toy with me woman!*

*Pfft! English. Who needs it? I'm never going to England!*

*Sleep tight, Hooty.*

Homer: *While I'm gone, keep an eye on that weird-looking kid down there.*
Marge: *Bart?*
Homer: *Yeah..."Bart."*

*Well, from now on I'm never going to let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you and how truly special ... This is really eating up a lot of time. Maybe just a pat on the butt.*

Homer:*I'm Sorry Marge, But these Pork Chops have just 2 movements: Shake and Bake.*
Marge:*You love Shake and Bake, You put it in your coffee!*

Homer:*Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?*
Lisa:*No.*
Homer:*Ham?*
Lisa:*No.*
Homer:*Pork chops?*
Lisa:*Dad! Those all come from the same animal!*
Homer:*Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.*

Homer's Brain:*This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret from your past.*
Homer:*Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.*
Marge:*Oh, my God!*
Homer's Brain:*No, the other secret!*

Homer:*Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?*
Homer's Brain:*Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember.*
Homer:*Naw, I'm going to ask Marge.*
Homer's Brain:*No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.*

Interviewer:*Mr Simpson, why are you here?*
Homer´s Brain:*Don´t say revenge! Don´t say revenge!*
Homer:*Revenge?*
Homer´s Brain:*That´s it! I´m outta here!*
(Step, step, step, step, Door SLAM!)

*Marge, you know me, I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fah-laming!*

*Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbours, I'm coming home loaded!*

*You don't know what its like, I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line, and I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the Truth? You want the TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Because when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend's face, you don't know what to do! FORGET IT MARGE! ITS CHINATOWN!*

Homer: *I don't want anyone giving her a hard time just because she's DIFFERENT!...No jokes...No taunting...*
[Homer spots Uter]
Homer: *AHH! HOO! HOO! Look, that kids got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? Heh Heh!*
[Whip crack of towel]
Homer: *Come're Butterball!*
[Uter wails in torment]
Uter: *Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!*

*Ah, Andy Capp, you wife beating drunk!*

Disclaimer: The Simpsons are a copyright of the Fox Network, and all quotes and pictures were/are created by the genious of Matt Groening, and the other writers on the Simpson's staff. They are reproduced on this website for enteretainment purposes only.

Got any quotes to add? CONTACT ME!!!

Thank you to Ann for sending me a good Homer quote in November 2004.