YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED ONE...
Here's a list of wonderful insults...
I have marked my favourite ones with this
little, snappy crab...enjoy!
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him, would look like socks on a rooster - Earl Long
A modest little person, with much to be modest about - Winston Churchill
At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date - Edith Massey in "Polyester"
Had double chins all the way down to his stomach - Mark Twain
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating - Ayn Rand
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork - Jonathan Swift
He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own - Margaret Alsey
He's a trellis for varicose veins - Wilson Mizner
He's so small, he's a waste of skin - Fred Allen
He'd make a lovely corpse - Charles Dickens
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year - Fred Allen
Her only flair is in her nostrils - Pauline Kael
Her skin was white as leprosy - S. T. Coleridge
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception - Groucho Marx
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere - Noël Coward
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat? - Dr. Gonzo
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey - Jeff Foxworthy
She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it - Bob Fosse
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig - Margot Asquith
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered - James Matthew Barrie
She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin - Will Rogers
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes - William Shakespeare
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum - P. G. Wodehouse
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation - Irvin S. Cobb
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman - Maryon Pearson
Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in - Katharine Whitehorn
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses - Elizabeth Taylor
A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post - Tom Waits
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits - Alexander Pope
He has Van Gogh's ear for music - Billy Wilder
He is brilliant - to the top of his boots - David Lloyd George
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages - Mark Twain
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - - - Forrest Tucker
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot - Groucho Marx
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons - Robin Williams
I wish I'd known you when you were alive - Leonard Louis Levinson
If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck - William Lashner "Veritas"
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers - Rob Wagner
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to - Gypsy Rose Lee
Stay with me; I want to be alone - Joey Adams
Teflon brain (nothing sticks) - Lily Tomlin
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement - Fred Allen
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving - David Letterman
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it - Groucho Marx
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally - Oscar Wilde
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits - Edith Sitwell
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice - Foghorn Leghorn
A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity - Benjamin Disraeli
Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered - Al Capp
As organised as a soup sandwich - Unknown
He has the sense of direction of a Merry-go-Round - Unknown
He would have trouble outthinking a doorknob - Mike Barnicle (Boston
Globe)
He's two french fries short of a Happy Meal - a defendant on "Judge
Judy"
Lady Astor to Churchill "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your
coffee"
Churchill "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."The last five insults were contributed by Bob - Thanks!
